What's the Point of Having Emotions, Anyway?

They can interrupt our stream of thought, our peace, and our progress.  We're not sure what we're supposed to do about this uncomfortable state of affairs except to hide it and soldier on.  We wish we could just reason our way out of them, but they're slippery little devils, and they seem to always regroup and charge at us again.  Is there any way to win against these persistent disruptors?

We find ourselves in this predicament because many cultures tend to devalue the emotional self.  Many of us are taught that emotions are basically useless, an annoying impediment to be minimized and swept under the rug.  (Certainly there are some who are far out of balance in the opposite direction and would teach us to value emotional drama as the height of human experience.  After thousands of years of the domination of masculine archetypes on this planet, though, this is not the most common issue that I see.)  The truth is that the emotional side of us needs to be in balance with the others—physical, mental, and spiritual—if we are to enjoy the happiest, healthiest life experience.  It is possible for all of us, all genders, ages, and nationalities, to find and cultivate this ongoing balance in a way that works for each of us, though for each the optimal balance will be unique.

Let’s take a brief look at the functions of each of the previously mentioned parts of the self so that we have an idea of what we’re aiming for. 

• The physical is the most obvious, comprising the tangible, physical body.  Health here generally looks like a well-functioning set of limbs, organs, and sensory apparatuses and enough physical energy to accomplish our desired daily routines and goals.
   
• The mental self exists to process information, learn, and apply that learning.  A healthy mind is one that can accomplish these tasks relatively quickly and efficiently, without undue confusion, distraction, or negativity. 
   
• The spiritual self is harder to define because it is the least tangible and most subjective of our parts; we each have different ideas about everything from whether a spiritual aspect of us even exists to what this part of us is capable of, and what place it should occupy in daily life.  I would suggest that the purpose of this self is to connect us with an intelligence greater than our own personal viewpoint; I think that the healthy spiritual self helps us to understand our place in the grand scheme of things (however we envision it) and to relate to past, present, and future in a way that gives our lives a satisfactory sense of connection and meaning. 
   
• Since the emotional self is the subject of this article, I have saved that for last.  In my view, this part of us exists in order to:

1. Show us how we’re doing as far as living in accordance with our values and abilities
2. Reveal whether the thoughts we habitually think are serving us
3. Let us know in a visceral way when there are factors in our lives affecting us adversely that we should not ignore

A healthy emotional self is one that sends us clear signals to which we can quickly react in order to rebalance when some internal or external factor isn’t supporting us; these signals flow into our awareness at manageable levels and do not overwhelm or paralyze us if we acknowledge them in a timely manner.

As for the first of the three functions of emotions noted above, you may have noticed that it’s easier to ignore thoughts and events that don’t have much of an emotional charge for you.  When emotions come up around a thought or event, you are likely to give it more of your time and attention.  In doing so, you are also likely to solve problems, make new decisions, and generally improve in this area of your life over time.  Emotions, then, are an important source of feedback that can be used to catalyze positive change in your life. 

Often the emotions that get your attention have to do with decisions you’ve made and the results of those decisions.  For example, let’s say you initially told a friend that you would help her with a home improvement project, but you never made the time to follow through, and you end up feeling disappointed and guilty.  If you didn’t value having friendships in your life and being a reliable person, as well as believe yourself to be capable of doing better than you did, you probably wouldn’t feel as bad about your failure to help out.  If you take the time to acknowledge the message you’re being given by your emotions, you’ll consider how to prioritize such opportunities and obligations in the future so that you’ll be living more in alignment with your values.  You’ll feel less confusion and guilt if you act out those new priorities. And through acting on such messages continually, you’ll have more clarity around your decisions, and end up living a life that brings you more satisfaction.

As for the second function, the idea that our emotions result from our thoughts may seem surprising and even suspect if you haven’t considered it before, but I think that if you try it on, you’ll find it to be true.  This concept has the added bonus of empowering us to change our own internal experiences rather than feeling that we're totally at the mercy of external factors and chemical happenings—like the digestive results of what we ate for breakfast or hormonal fluctuations, which both men and women routinely experience.  I know I would much rather be able to do something about how I feel in any given moment by attending to my thoughts than to feel that my emotions are totally outside my sphere of influence.  Try this experiment:  Next time you find yourself in a foul mood, try stepping back and looking at what you’ve been thinking about, and then the individual thoughts you notice.  If you can find some of the thoughts behind your discontent, and then manage to substitute even a few slightly more positive thoughts, you’ll find that you start feeling a little better.*  It can take some practice to remember to do this, and some discipline to back away from those loud feelings, but it feels good to know that you have a choice about how you feel in any given moment.  Returning to this pursuit habitually will help you to leverage the power of your mind to choose happiness; building this skill can pay you back hugely for your efforts in better overall moods and a greater appreciation of what's good in your life.    

For the third function, I’m sure you’ve experienced an uncomfortable or undesirable situation that you tried to ignore until your emotions built to critical mass.  For example, a friendship has taken a turn for the worse, and you don’t like how you’re being treated, but you let it pass at first.  Over time, the effects of numerous small slights build up, and you find yourself becoming more and more angry.  Logically, you might reason that none of this is really a big deal, but you eventually can’t ignore your anger anymore.  You become willing to confront the friend, risking the end of the relationship, but at least allowing the situation to resolve one way or the other.  If we were to rely only on our minds to make decisions, we might rationalize all kinds of things that would not be for our highest good—but the emotional self can let us know emphatically when something is out of balance, making us far more likely to act.

One of the difficulties many of us face in in deciding to deal more directly with our emotions is that, once we’ve lived for a while in confusion about how to appropriately utilize them, we tend to have a backlog of past unexpressed emotions rattling around inside of us.  We know that this can lead to a sense of general stress, overwhelm, and even physical illness.  Once we start focusing in on them in an attempt to do better, it can be surprising how much there is built up; sorting it all out can seem impossible and just not worthwhile.  Another difficulty is that, since we often don’t get training of any kind in putting our emotions to good use, they seem deeply mysterious and fickle.  It’s true that their origins can be hard to trace initially, but once you do get into the habit of reacting quickly to the messages they offer, your clarity about them can increase a great deal.

My favorite tool for sorting through this backlog of emotions with efficiency is Emotional Freedom Techniques, also called EFT or Tapping.  It’s safe, free, and easy to use on your own if you want to.  It allows you to express and process old emotional stuff that is no longer useful, and to do it more quickly and effectively than anything else I know.  While it takes some courage to address and clean up old emotional news, it really can result in an incredible sense of freedom and increased happiness.  And of course, clearing confusion and allowing your current emotional signals to reach you more directly allows you to reap all the benefits of a healthy, highly functioning emotional self.  This can look like the enthusiasm and capacity for joy of a healthy child tempered by the wisdom and compassion of a mature, balanced adult.  I don't know about you, but I'd love to live every day in harmony with a balanced emotional system.

Like anything else, working with your emotions takes practice.  It involves skills that you can build and eventually master, and I cannot recommend improving your skills in this area more highly.  It's incredible how much happiness we can all gain through these techniques no matter where we're starting.  For more information about EFT/Tapping, enter your information on the Home page of this Web site to get a free report on how to use it and subscribe to my newsletter.  I wish you health and great happiness in every area of your life as you continue your journey toward the life you desire!

*Note:  The first time I read about a process like this, it was in a book by Esther Hicks.  I would like to appropriately credit her body of work as one of the most helpful and robust I've ever found on building one's capacity for positive thought and constant emotional improvement.