We're Not Gonna Take It!
“Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy.”
This week, I’ll be addressing a subject that is right up there with politics and religious debates in its ability to annoy just about everyone: The virtues of patience. Now, before you run screaming and try to pretend you didn’t even read this far, let me assure you that this blog post won’t be about trying to make you feel bad for not having any. I hope it will give you a few new angles from which to consider the concept of patience.
Let’s start by addressing the opposite, which is, I think, far more familiar to most of us leading a typical modern life. Things are hectic and we’re trying to balance so many different parts of life and self all the time. This is demanding and difficult. Here are some specific thoughts on why we tend to spend so much time in some variation of this state:
· With the advent of hyper-connectivity, we are constantly aware of hordes of other people anytime we glance at one of the many screens to which we have access. We can see what millions of other people are thinking, doing, and achieving at the click of just a few buttons. It can seem like others have a lot more of the good stuff in life than we do, at least if their own narratives are to be believed. Those who are at all competitive may feel the need to do more in order to keep up at every turn.
· The world seems a lot more crowded than it used to because of the constant crush of new information. With all the people out there doing things, it seems less likely that what we have have to contribute will be seen, acknowledged, and valued. Before the free flow of information was possible, you could be a major contributor in any market by following rules that had been in place for thousands of years in business interactions. Now the rules have changed almost overnight, and continue to evolve at a rapid pace.
· We need a great deal of flexibility and a willingness to learn constantly in order to succeed now. Until you become comfortable with always being in flux, which may take time to learn, all your discomfort might build up in ways that boil over and stop your momentum until you can regroup.
· The world population is growing at unprecedented rates. If you're paying attention, you notice that there are new and worrisome problems connected with this change for which we don't currently have solutions.
· In many places, there are more people on the roads and riding public transportation than ever before, as well as in lines at supermarkets and other necessary stopping points. It can seem like everything is more difficult and time consuming because of the crowds everywhere you turn.
So what is this mythical thing called patience? There's a cultural idea many of us have inherited that tells us patience is a virtue of the very good, and very boring. Patience is not fiery or exciting, and we're often told that people need to be a hot, brightly burning mess in order to get anything great done. We’re given examples of all the great artists who lived hard and flamed out early. Well, that might be fine if you knew what you were passionate about early in life and had the means to pursue it; on the other hand, what if you'd like to live past the age of 30 and have the option to continue learning and doing new things as you go? You’re going to have to last and be able to keep yourself moving. There will always be ample reasons to be impatient in this fast-paced world, but impatience is not a fun or creative state to be in. Because it destroys our ability to apply ourselves in a focused manner over time, mastering impatience is necessary if we want to achieve anything that requires consistent effort.
I like to think of patience as the ability to wait for glorious results and enjoy the work you need to do all along the way to achieve your goals, avoiding having a meltdown that stops your progress anytime something real or imaginary gets in your way. When I put it this way, it probably sounds pretty reasonable and necessary, right? I think the idea that being a patient person means being either deeply, impossibly good or passionless really needs to go!
Here are a few ideas for increasing your capacity for patience, broken out into the areas of self that is involved. Since most cultures today emphasize the mind, the mental solutions may seem more familiar, but they all work together and should be considered:
Mental solutions:
· Read biographies/autobiographies of people you admire. I guarantee that these will not read, "I was born, and then everything I ever wanted happened without my lifting a finger." Even if the person was born into wealth and privilege, his success was not that simple. This puts you in the good company of others who have worked for what they wanted. It also reminds you of the value of a good story, which is what you will create by staying in the game.
· Contemplate how more people on the planet also means more brain power and creativity available to solve the world’s problems and improve quality of life for everyone. Would you want to go back to a time in which there was a lot of unoccupied land, but no essential services? No dentistry? No emergency medical care? I wouldn’t. No, thanks.
· Remind yourself that reality T.V. tempts us to believe that succeeding overnight with little effort is a viable route to our goals. In fact, most of those featured in these programs have done plenty of work behind the scenes to get where they are, if only the work of promoting themselves—which still counts as work!
· Make an effort to become aware of mental nosedives when you are indulging in them. You don't have to be in a deep meditative trance to notice your own thinking. Let's say you just got your 5th book rejection, and you're frustrated. You might think something like, "This book is going nowhere. I don't know why I bother. No one cares about what I have to say. No one likes me." We all string together thoughts like this sometimes, but it's probably clear to the observer that a few publishers passing on your project has no correlation to whether or not people like you. You actually do have power over what to think about yourself and your life, but first you have to practice noticing your mental habits. Then, you can begin to change them by talking gently to yourself as you would a friend in distress. In the above example, you could say to yourself, "Wait a minute. I have plenty of people in my life who like me, and if not, I can make new friends. I bother because I like writing and know I have something to say." Time to be your own best friend! This is another essential life skill that most people never acquire, but being able to give yourself an effective pep talk can be invaluable when you’re working on challenging projects.
Physical solutions:
· In short, take care of your physical body. Ignoring these needs makes it a lot harder to be patient.
· If you're not sleeping enough, you will be irritable and reactive, and you won't be able to think clearly. There's really no way around it. Find the number of hours that works best for you by experimenting.
· You also need high-quality nutrition in order for your body to function well. Learn about nutrition yourself or get help with a basic plan.
· Regular exercise increases your energy, stamina, and strength and helps manage stress. Find something you like to do to get your body moving.
Emotional solutions:
· Anger is the enemy of patience. Most of us have huge stores of built-up anger caused by a lifetime of incidents, which we've swept under the rug because we've been taught that it's rude and unacceptable to express it. If you want to build your capacity for patience, you're going to have to deal with your anger. While there are lots of suggestions you can find for doing this, in my experience, nothing is as effective as EFT/Tapping for processing old emotions without any destructive side effects. Plus, you can do it yourself anytime, anywhere, for free.
· Other old emotions and traumas may be partly behind those previously mentioned negative thought spirals. You may find that processing old disappointments, humiliations, and other discomforts makes it a lot easier to avoid the nosedives over time, because now those memories aren’t dragging you down every time you’re challenged. Some things you can't just think yourself out of because they’re not purely mental. That’s why modalities with physical and emotional aspects are so important.
Spiritual solutions (these are best when they respect your beliefs and traditions, so you’ll need to find what works best for you):
· Ask for help. You can ask people you know or ask for help from some spiritual force, but the act of being willing to ask and being open to receiving help can be transformative on its own. Sometimes if you can relax a bit, you can find creative insights coming to you that were not available before.
· Acknowledge that you don’t know everything about how things you want could come into being. Everyone has different strengths and talents, and that’s ok. If we work with ours and let others work with theirs, and trust that it can all work out, life is more enjoyable and holds more opportunity. Embrace mystery. Allow blind faith to work in your favor.
· Spend some time every day thinking about things you’re grateful for. This is not about denying what may be wrong in your life or trying to discipline yourself about having negative feelings. It just helps you to remember that those aren’t all your life is about. It helps you look forward to enjoyment that you already have access to. Some people like to write these things down. When you’re in bed going to sleep or just after waking up can be a nice, relaxed time to appreciate what’s good in your life.
Allowing yourself to be more patient doesn’t mean you have to deny that you want things, or that there are things in your life that you don’t like. It’s healthy to learn to dial down your moments of full-on freaking out so you can smooth out your experience of life, exhaust yourself less with needless lows, and make faster progress toward your goals. Don’t be afraid to consider ways to bring more of this virtue to life. If it helps, tell yourself that this means you’re being a rebel in this stressed-out, stretched-thin world. I dare you to start making serenity trendy!