The Functional Value of Compassion
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Every major world religion upholds the importance of extending compassion to others. Usually, this is presented as the right and virtuous thing to do, to be done for its own sake. There's much to be said for that, but there's an additional argument to be made for the importance of compassion that is more mechanical, more specifically practical: Without coming to a place of compassion for another person, it's not possible to fully forgive them for wrongs they've done—and without forgiveness, we remain both bound to and continually irritated by that person and their wrongs. In this state, we can never be free.
Compassion, then, becomes a way in which we give to ourselves, paying into our own freedom from the burdens of the past. If you want to lead a happy life, you can't dig in your heels and hold onto resentment against everyone and everything that ever contributed to your discomfort. In fact, that's pretty much the recipe for a very unhappy life. On the other hand, it's usually not enough to decide with your conscious mind to let someone off the hook. If you want to do a thorough job of it, you need to get your subconscious on board, and its job is first and foremost to protect you. Legitimately finding compassion for someone else requires that you heal sufficiently from the ill effects of their actions to be released from the hold of your own trauma enough to see beyond it. From a more whole perspective, you can see that this person is flawed, like every other human you know, including you. It becomes possible to understand, at least a little, what might have possessed them to behave in the way they did. This willingness tends to build momentum if we let it, reminding us of episodes precipitated by our own less-than-fabulous life choices, which in turn reminds us of how similar we all are, and primes us to let go of the past and want what's best for everyone in the future.
This is a very natural cycle, and becoming efficient at moving through it is one of the greatest keys to happiness you could ever find. The tough part is the personal healing. Frankly, emotional technologies have lagged so far behind physical, mental, and spiritual ones in modern society that there isn't a lot of guidance on the specific hows of accomplishing such healing. This is why I find EFT/meridian tapping techniques to be so exciting—they simplify the processing of events with emotional impact, facilitating rapid broadening of perspective in ways that are gentle, , and organic, and appropriate for the individual. This is what true emotional healing looks like, and most of us have been taught to struggle toward it by attempting to will it into being by sheer force. Sometimes people get there by persistence, through clear intent and continuing to stumble toward the goal, but this is a long and painful way toward forgiveness. When better ways are available, I want to make them available to others, and this is why I do what I do. The personal empowerment that results when you can step yourself forward at will through such a process is so freeing, and the world would be a vastly better place if no one felt stuck and alone with their most difficult emotions. Tapping can help to spring us all from the old, outdated ties that mold us into the shapes born of past trauma.
Compassion and forgiveness are certainly virtuous on their own merits, and thinking of them as always the goal is a good way to keep ourselves on track to avoid the regrets that can result from our own actions. However, we cannot avoid the importance of emotional healing, and the self-serving bonus to our own happiness that accrues when do the work to facilitate it. It feels so much better to have the wherewithal, the resources, to extend generosity to others than to remain stuck in the tension and misery of trauma and resentment. The more you practice moving through the cycle, the more of your own energy you free up to spend on the things that bring joy and meaning to your life.