I Don't Wanna!
“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”
In any extended discussion of failure, I think it’s appropriate to consider the possible role of our own resistance to change in our analysis of the results we create. While some choices we make may be values-based and therefore non-negotiable (and appropriately so), sometimes we resist necessary growth and skills building because we don’t want to admit to our own deficiencies, or because we don’t want to commit to the work it would take to correct them. This is very human, and not terribly problematic if you’re willing to notice this tendency, see it for what it is, and confront it in proper timing for you so that you can keep moving forward. If you stay mired in your own resistance, though, you are highly likely to repeat behaviors that will block your success over and over. And you probably won’t even realize it.
Dismantling your resistance can be frightening on the very deepest levels of the subconscious. The fear of change, of the unknown, is the most potent immobilizer you’re ever likely to experience. When we allow it to remain unquestioned and unnamed, we pretty much guarantee that effective and lasting growth will remain out of reach. This fear is what prevents us from searching for the root causes of our chronic resistance, including patterns of self-sabotage, which will not allow us to break new ground and succeed in new and bigger ways.
This fear can be masked by all kinds of misdirection—apparent arrogance, chronic pessimism, overwhelm and over-emotional reactions, listlessness, defensiveness, harsh self-judgment—all of these point to the perceived danger of shining light on where we have work to do. Which of these you exhibit will usually go back to patterns you learned in the cauldron of your family’s dynamics or through other formative experiences. Again, all of this is normal! Life is demanding, and these signs of resistance may be indicating that it’s not time for our next step forward. However, it may also be necessary to admit that deep change will never be comfortable, and the time for it will never be truly “right.” At some point, if you really want to make progress, you’ll need to prioritize getting over a wall that you know is standing in the way of your desired progress.
Admitting that part of the problem is you is the first step in overcoming resistance, and like any skill, it becomes easier with practice. After all, no one is perfect, so every one of us will remain a work in progress until the day we move on to greener pastures. Being willing to see where we’re falling short of the behaviors and abilities needed to create the lives we want is essential unless we want to live lives of quiet desperation. Subsequently addressing any problems you find within yourself also naturally expands your ability to do so more effectively in the future. Only burying your head in the sand guarantees that you will remain stuck. Any action you are willing to take to start a ball rolling opens up possibilities that can snowball in your favor.
Wherever you want to expand, I promise you that others have already begun blazing paths, and many have written books or created videos to help others like you along a similar path. If they’re honest, they’ll admit that this kind of work is hard, and uncomfortable, and not fun, but it’s also incredibly rewarding to break through former blockages and free up your life and your future for dreams that otherwise would have had no chance of becoming real. No one is alone in any of this. Though each person is unique, the human condition is defined by access to all the same emotions, the same palette of experiences, which we all share. When we isolate ourselves, either socially or just in our habits of thought, we make life so much harder for ourselves than it has to be.
If you feel stuck in loops of negative experience that you can’t seem to interrupt, it may be time to call upon your reserves of courage, seek advice from someone more experienced, and take a look at yourself and your own limitations, then imagine a process that can lead to the progress you want. No one really likes dwelling on their own weaknesses, but it’s rare that these are immune to sustained effort. Usually there’s room for at least some improvement, and even a little can be the difference between remaining stuck and breaking down barriers that once seemed hopeless.