Want To "Get Even"?
“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space. ”
Last week we took a look at the process of letting go of things that no longer belong in your life. This week, I wanted to talk about one of the main reasons why we cling to painful events that are already gone. As I mentioned last week, it’s rare that we leave a highly charged situation feeling fully resolved, at peace, and free of it. Usually there’s some piece of it that seems unresolved, confusing, connected to other events in your past in a complicated web, or plain unjust. If you perceive that an injustice was done to you (or even someone else), it may be extra difficult to move on and let go of any lingering ill effects of that situation on your outlook, beliefs, happiness and health. You may obsess about what could or should have happened then, or what comeuppance an offending party should experience. If you’re stuck feeling unable to let go of a situation that is long gone, here are some thoughts on how to move in that direction.
Mentally, try to notice when you’re obsessing about a past event and what you wish could have happened. Just becoming aware of the habit will help point out which past events still drag at your daily existence. Knowing that you have a problem is the first step! See if you can isolate what really still gets your goat about it so you know what exactly you’ll need to work on. Practice remembering that revenge fantasies only keep you tied to this event and reinforce its power over you by stirring up your emotions every time you think of it. They’re also not helping anyone, because carrying them out is a bad choice unless you want to go to jail, and when they’re only in your mind, they only hurt you. Decide if it’s time to really commit to taking back your power over this by processing old emotions, learning lessons, and moving forward more positively. Take note of any beliefs you took on as a result of this event. Are you ready to let go of what you’ve decided this means and allow for the possibility that your perspective on it could change? Would you like to consistently feel better about it?
When you’ve decided that it’s time, you’ll now need to focus on what’s bothering you about this past event and zero in on the emotions that come up around it. I think Tapping is the best for this work, so let’s imagine that you’re going to use it as your method. Take those emotions one at a time and do some Tapping on each one until when you think of your past event, the emotion no longer spikes as much. If you want, Tap while you imagine that revenge fantasy playing itself out—sometimes this ends up feeling really fun and empowering, and once you get it out of your system, you may find it easier to move on to other emotions than anger. Keep Tapping on whatever feels most prominent when you think back to your event. Notice if any new ideas or realizations come to you as you do this. Also notice whether this event seems connected to any others in your past, which might mean that you’ll want to work on those as well. If you get stuck, it can be incredibly helpful to call upon any higher power that you believe in, or ancestors, or the best part of yourself, whatever makes sense for you. When you do this, you put yourself in a more receptive state, and I find that this often breaks up a logjam.
As the intensity of your emotion comes down, and it’s not bothering you so much anymore, it can be helpful to affirm that it’s not necessarily your job to fix everything, right every wrong you come across, teach misbehaving people a lesson, and generally police the universe. Yes, sometimes it’s appropriate for you to speak up and take action, but sometimes that’s for someone else to handle. The most important thing for building your inner calm is allowing yourself to let go of the old unpleasantness or trauma and get back to a sense of safety in the present moment. Once you’re there, it’s much easier to reclaim anything positive that may have come out of the event, including the knowledge of how to avoid a repeat in the future.
The idea of forgiveness is one that can be helpful here, but one we may resist because it has been presented as just the right thing to do, but without enough helpful explanation about how and why it’s actually good for you. I find that the best definition of forgiveness to use during Tapping is often just allowing yourself to let go of attachment to and judgments about a situation and let yourself float free of it with the knowledge that it’s best for everyone that you do so, and get back to a healthier state. After all, when you’re feeling calm, you’re going to be able to make better decisions. If there’s anything you still want to do about this situation, you’ll be better able to do it when you feel happier and freer. This may not make sense to you while you read this, but it’s experiential. If you try it, it just might help you.
In case you need help finding some of the stickiest thoughts people hold about past events, see if any of these statements resonates for you. If so, feel free to just repeat one as you Tap until you don’t feel as strongly about it, or it doesn’t feel as true.
I don’t like this story. I don’t want it to be the story I have to tell about my life.
Nothing is ever going to make this ok.
This always happens to me.
Life is always harder for me than it is for everyone else.
Everything is so unfair.
This was the worst thing that could have happened.
There’s nothing I can do about this.
When you Tap on a negative statement like these that feels true, you aren’t reinforcing it. You’re allowing your emotions around it come up and out so that the power of the thought dissipates. It may take some time. Don’t be discouraged if this is true for you. What’s more important than being able to calm yourself and free up energy that’s been stuck in the past? When you’re able to do this, your sense of confidence in your ability to handle your life will soar. It’s far more enjoyable to be able to sink into the present moment of your life and have all your wits about you because you’re not obsessing about the past or fearing the same kind of experience repeating itself in the future. Doing this work can help you do that, and live a simpler life in which you can focus on what’s most important to you.