The Upside of Down

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

— Oprah Winfrey

This week I read an article about how middle children are becoming less common because family sizes are smaller than they were a generation ago.  These "middles" may tend to become more self-reliant and diplomatic, according to some in this position, because they get less attention and have to gain skills through self-reliance and a bit more adversity than their eldest and youngest siblings.  In adulthood, they may cherish these traits, but in childhood it may have been hard to seem less important, less visible.  This got me thinking about the ways in which we can all learn to appreciate the skills we have picked up, by necessity, out of the ashes of our own annoying or upsetting circumstances. 

Even someone whose life looks easy to others has been through trying times.  No one goes through life unscathed. So even without knowing you, I know that you've been challenged, buffeted, and forced to adapt somewhat in your life.  If you think about the times in your life that have been hardest, you may still wish things could have been otherwise and experience some pain in the recollection.  That's very normal. But if you want to stop being defined by these unfortunate events, sometime when you can find a quiet, calm moment, try allowing yourself to perceive beyond the plot points of your story.  What did you learn about yourself as a result of living through this experience?  What decisions about the future did you make that have helped you to become more of your truest self?  Where did you become stronger and more able to spot and avoid trouble in the future?  What skills did you decide to cultivate so that you could meet similar challenges more competently in the future?  And how has all this learning served you since then? How will it continue to serve you and others with whom you can share your wisdom? 

When painful things happen, it's easy to get stuck in wishing they hadn't, because pain obviously feels bad.  We may have experienced real loss, which can be extremely vivid, and it can distract us from the appreciation of what we still have that's good.  Note that I'm not arguing here against the process of grieving, but it need not exist in a vacuum—when it does, that's when we can really spiral downward in unhealthy ways.  If we never get around to acknowledging the hard-won lessons of growth we've achieved through hardship, our self-confidence will lag behind our level of competence.  We won't actually acknowledge or get to enjoy the greatness we already have at our fingertips.  We will let opportunities where we could have excelled pass us by.   We will feel uninspired and unfulfilled because unused aptitudes weigh on us; we know we could be wielding them in the service of our deepest purpose and feeling a glorious satisfaction in it.   Who do you think is more of a blessing, someone who shuffles around demoralized and drained, or someone who has the confidence to own their skills and use their powers for good?  Who has more fun?

You don't have to love that bad things have happened to you, but I do recommend that you purposefully celebrate all the growth you've attained, whatever the circumstances that gave rise to to it.  This is a far more productive place to focus than on past disappointments.  By all means, Tap on the aftermath of those adverse experiences to release old pain, because sometimes the weight of them prevents you from effectively doing much else—you know if you've been reading these blogs for while that I'm the last person who's going to tell you to just "suck it up" and ignore your emotional reality!  But also, train your mind to appreciate the best in yourself and the world around you. This is a powerful commitment that will help you boost your self-confidence and skyrocket your motivation to make progress in all the areas where you most want to win.