So Much Happier Blog
Welcome, 2019!
As we begin a new year, I decided to share a beautiful guest blog by my friend Lexi Soulios. I hope you’ll take in the energy of this blessing and return to it all year long when you need to feel refreshed (bookmark it for yourself if you’d like to do that). Enjoy, and I look forward to sharing all the blessings off 2019 with you!
GENTLE, LOVING BLESSINGS FOR YOU 💖
...as we leave the darkest days of the year behind.
✨ MAY YOU BE BOUNTIFUL in all things good and nourishing this year.
✨ May you see the support that's available and feel comfortable receiving, so that YOU CAN THRIVE.
🌿 May you remember each day to close your eyes and take a deeeeep breath...to fill your lungs with the MIRACLE OF *YOUR* LIFE.
✨ If fear and worry steal your ability to be in the present moment, may you realize that you are MORE THAN CAPABLE of handling any challenges you encounter.
✨ If shame weighs on your shoulders and caves in your chest, let your mind come upon a new curiosity about where that shame was born. YOU ARE GLORIOUS and GOOD and DESERVING OF SUNLIGHT ON YOUR FACE!
✨ If you often work to suppress an ever-present anger, please know that healthy anger CREATES NEEDED BOUNDARIES and PROTECTS LOVED ONES. If you have more anger than you can handle, may you notice if you’re carrying anger on behalf of someone else—and be able to give it back to them. (It’s theirs to handle.)
🌿 For every day that you step your feet onto our precious earth, may you feel your DIVINE RIGHT TO EXIST, to be exactly who you are, exactly where you are.
✨ May your world reflect back to you all the ways YOU ARE WANTED AND LOVED. 💗
✨ May you FEEL WORTHY and KNOW YOUR OWN VALUE.
✨ If you're calling in a new job, a new home, a new assistant, a new partner...may you realize that this person or situation you are praying for is praying for YOU too. 🙏🏼
YOU ARE THE ANSWER TO OTHER PEOPLE'S PRAYERS.
Every characteristic that is *uniquely you* is *uniquely right* for where you’re meant to be and who you’re meant to be with.
🌾 If you feel absolutely stuck and unable to move forward in the way you want, may you realize that every block in the way (of your wealth, your ideal partnership, your peace of mind, your joy) is not as formidable as it may seem.
BLOCKS CAN BE BROKEN DOWN INTO SMALLER BITS AND CLEARED.
🍃 May patterns of overwork, over-responsibility and over-giving disintegrate, and a more HARMONIOUS FLOW of give-and-take and BALANCE BE RESTORED in your field.
🌺 MAY YOU ALWAYS BE BLESSED with physical comforts, genuine connection, and plenty of sacred time for quiet and rest.
☀️ As the light returns to our hemisphere once again...
may your JOY GROW,
your PEACE OF MIND COME TO STAY,
and your HOPEFULNESS EXPAND INTO VISIONS OF THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES before you. 🌅
Wishing you and all your loved ones a wonderfully auspicious start to 2019.
Shifting Sands
“Mindfulness is about love and loving life. When you cultivate this love, it gives you clarity and compassion for life, and your actions happen in accordance with that.”
Last week, we looked at the importance of setting boundaries in order to support your long-term functionality and excellence. This week, we’ll delve into the “how” of knowing that your boundaries need attention and making new choices. Since we are living in a world of limitations in bodies with specific needs, there will always be limits on how much activity we can sustain. Just to make things confusing, though, we’re all different. The range of talents and physical capacities that exist across the members of the human race is wide. What works for others won’t necessarily work for you, and vice versa. Attaining mastery at anything takes trial and error and a whole lot of practice. Only through testing your limits can you really know whether a condition is truly a limitation or merely a plateau. Boundaries, then, are often temporary in their usefulness, with a need to be periodically reevaluated if they are to serve their purposes and not become limitations of their own.
As mentioned last week, one of your best indicators of a need for a boundary is the constant feedback of your emotions. If you listen to what they’re telling you in real time, you’ll save yourself an enormous amount of angst and inefficiency by gaining clarity and being able to act on it; if you ignore them, the pain inherent in your situation is likely to become louder and louder until you are unable to ignore the message. By then, things may have gotten much worse than they ever needed to be. Situations may have fallen apart. Your health may have suffered, because stress is physically bad for us. You will have experienced, to at least some extent, the opposite of inspiration—disappointment, loss, and frustration. So much of this is avoidable if you just take a few minutes out of your day to notice and admit what’s going on with your emotions and why.
Ignoring what’s true for you may be more comfortable in the short term, but the longer you ignore the truth, even if it seems you can’t change it, the more of a powder keg your repressed emotions become. This is why, when someone is new to Tapping, I often recommend that they use the very simple “tap and rant” technique, in which you pretend you’re talking to a best friend who will support and commiserate with you about all your frustrations while maintaining her/his sense of humor. You just vent, mentioning every little thing that’s bothering you while Tapping. Not only is this fun because we usually try to hold all this in, and it feels a little outrageous and rebellious to let it out, but it relieves pressure physically by calming your body as well. Once you’ve spent some time on this, you’re usually more clear on what your most important, timely issues are. Now you can give those the attention they need with greater focus.
When you’ve achieved this clarity, you can more easily recognize situations that are untenable and need your creativity. In what way would you like those to change? How can you communicate your desires clearly to others so that they understand your preferences and requests? What will you do if change is not forthcoming, and how will you communicate your contingency plan along with your request? All of this can be very scary depending on what you stand to lose if others choose not to cooperate with you on a solution. Luckily, Tapping is also great for releasing fear and finding your courage! Fear is a constricting, immobilizing force. If it’s stopping you from doing what is best for you and others, you’ll need to relax its grip so you can move. By Tapping while expressing the emotional and physical sensations of fear, we teach the body that it’s ok to feel fear and still relax and function. Life you n today’s world is complicated, whereas many of our body’s systems evolved extreme reactions to protect us from physical harm in times of emergency. Tapping helps us to bridge the gap between the ancient protections and the push-and-pull needs of modern life.
Living the life you really want requires that you be in touch with what’s true for you. If you make important decisions about your life without doing some work to clarify what you want and need and how the choices in front of you can serve these, you will always feel like you’re wandering around lost because there’s no YOU there informing and guiding the way. If you leave yourself out, you leave discretion over things that materially affect you to others, or to chance. Taking the reins consciously can be demanding, but that’s why daily work on clarity and emotional management is so important. Doing it can keep you calm and on the path when you might otherwise run screaming from confusion and overwhelm, perpetuating a cycle of mindless drama that saps your power. Just like exercising the body, doing this work is not optional if you want to operate at peak capacity. What will you do this week to increase your sense of calm and clarity?
Your Line in the Sand
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
Most people know that it’s supposedly a good thing to set up appropriate boundaries in relationships, but setting them, and more importantly policing them, can seem like a bewildering process in which all targets are constantly moving. Becoming comfortable with communicating your boundaries ultimately takes self-knowledge and confidence, as well as discipline and faith. This can all seem like a pretty tall order! Since every one of us is different, we can learn from each other, but mastery only comes with practice in listening to our inner indicators on how much is too much of anything. Our emotions are a huge portion of these indicators, and we ignore them at our peril. If we don’t receive and act on their messages, relationships crumble. The pursuit of balance within relationships may be laborious work, but the creation of it is an essential element of any real peace and happiness.
A lot of people who are empathetic find it difficult to say no, either because they’re afraid of conflict, or because they just prefer to make others happy whenever possible because it’s more fulfilling—a noble goal. Of course, too much investment in making others happy (needing positive outcomes too much) usually ends up yielding annoyance in you and everyone around you. Neediness is not much fun to experience from any angle. If you need an outcome that is not within your control, your happiness will always be at the mercy of others and of fate, and you will always feel like a victim to some extent. On the other hand, when someone comes at you with a great deal of need about something, you might feel an overwhelming sense that they are trying to manipulate you, or that if you say no you’ll be proving that you’re a bad person…after all, this person NEEDS something you might be able to give or contribute to. The values fostered by one’s religious and cultural influences can amplify the discomfort by teaching us that we should always give to someone in need. Yet, obviously, one person can never be all things to all people, especially on a planet with billions of other people on it. It would be possible to very quickly over-give to the point of the annihilation of your energy and physical resources, which would not be at all helpful to anyone in the long run. This is what setting boundaries is all about.
I read an interesting article once about Mother Teresa that revealed her personal struggles. Despite being a massively inspiring presence on the world stage, demonstrating selfless love and compassion in the extreme for the poor and needy over a lifetime of religious service, and cutting a truly saintly figure, she apparently quietly battled depression for decades. Now, there can obviously be many contributing factors when someone is affected by clinical depression, including chemical issues that may be independent of the effects of mental, emotional, and spiritual life experiences. However, there is a growing understanding that, most often, there are strong experiential factors that go into creating someone’s depression. I personally don’t find it at all surprising that someone who worked tirelessly amid the most unfortunate people, in the most poverty-stricken areas, having taken personal vows of poverty and service, might have gotten pretty burned out emotionally from seeing all that suffering. I have to wonder if she took breaks. I wonder if she had sympathetic friends to laugh with sometimes to keep from constantly and solely mourning over what she saw on a daily basis. I wonder if she sought the help she needed. Even someone saintly is still in a human body, having a human experience, and subject to human emotions that need to be managed.
Most of us are not so saintly. We’re just normal humans living our lives and trying to make something good come of them. I’m not saying that we can’t do great things, but first, I think we need to understand the importance of sustaining ourselves. We need to learn how to operate our bodies sensibly so that we have a chance at health and stable moods. We need to learn to observe and learn from our experiences so that we can gain enough maturity to go beyond merely surviving. We need to learn that both caring for ourselves and caring for others are necessary if we want to be powerful sources of good. And we need to learn that without bringing rejuvenating and joyful experiences into our everyday experience, we will quickly become depleted, desperate, and even dangerous individuals.
When you can successfully cultivate your own overall balance, then it becomes easier to understand how much you can give to others before you need to retreat and renew. It becomes easier to notice which kinds of service to others are so much fun that you can happily do them all day long, and which kinds you come to dread because your strengths and weaknesses make you unsuitable for them. From a place of balance, it’s easier to admit what kind of tool you are and where you can be of most use rather than trying to prove that you can do absolutely whatever is asked of you at all times. And it’s easier to notice when something is making you uncomfortable because it’s going against your most important personal values, which will drain you very quickly every time.
Here are some recommendations for growing your capacity to set and insist on the honoring of your personal boundaries:
Learn to pay close attention to your emotions. They are one of your best indicators of how much you can currently handle. You can practice stretching your comfort zone over time, but if you do too much too fast without building in recovery, you’re likely to fold.
Make working on the quality of your nutrition, sleep, and exercise a non-negotiable part of every day. No two days are the same, so you’ll always be adjusting, and there’s no need to be a perfectionist, just don’t ignore these basics.
If saying no is hard for you, practice, practice, practice. Start with strangers if that’s easier. When you can execute a simple, cheerful “No thank you” response to random requests at will (when appropriate), you can start replicating that in higher-stakes relationships through more practice.
When your “no” affects others, it will be appropriate to give a short explanation, compassionate to both yourself and the other, about why this is your answer. Still, firmness is your goal. Being honest about what you can actually handle will serve everyone better than your saying yes and then collapsing midstream.
Cultivate friends with whom you can discuss the confusing situations that arise in life. No one should have to go it alone, and seeking other viewpoints can often help us make far better decisions than we could have arrived at alone.
Keep in mind that in order to have the space to give what you most want to, you have to keep yourself from always being so full up that you just can’t take on one more opportunity, no matter how perfect a match it seems for you.
Know that while you must take responsibility for yourself and your own actions because you’re the only one who can, you can’t take responsibility for everyone and everything else. Not knowing your boundaries amounts to hubris. Everyone else has a part to play too, so let them, and encourage them to seek their own balance.
Celebrate often both what you are able to give to others, and the ways in which you give to yourself. Allow yourself time to rest and play, then do it all again.
Jumping Off the Hamster Wheel
“To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.”
If you've been reading my blogs for a while, you know that I'm all about helping you find ways to dial down stress. This week, we'll look at the importance of making choices that are right for you despite the lure of endless possibilities. Living in a world with 24/7 access to electric lights and incessant information means that we know there's always something we could be doing. That can be overwhelming, and some people feel this as a constant. Combine that feeling with the Puritanical ideals of our country's European settlers, which became a part of the fabric of our collective philosophy, and you have a culture-wide tendency to believe that if we can be doing something, then we must. Anything else makes us lazy, selfish, and useless. This is a recipe for anxiety; it will erode your happiness and physical health more insidiously than almost anything else you can experience. No one wants that, but how do you halt this cycle when so many options and imperatives are always staring you in the face?
First, let me acknowledge that this is difficult. Options, information, and entertainment are fun to play with, and therefore hard to put down at the best of times. Also, if you believe that opportunity is obligation, then your self-image will suffer when you take time away from attending to the constant requests of people and advertisers that will assail you throughout your waking hours, never mind the things you'd like to be doing to address your own priorities. Then there are any frantic mental habits you inherited from family and others before you were old enough to notice. This constant stimulation gets your mind into the habit of racing, and then it takes serious effort to retrain it to allow some empty space and relaxation to permeate.
When there's an abundance of anything, whether information or food or opportunity, maintaining health and balance requires that we learn to set boundaries. We need some hard stops that will carve out appropriate time for sleep, exercise, healthy eating, and leisure. Those can be planned and tinkered with until they seem optimal in the grand scheme of your life, your needs and your desires. The trickier boundaries to set and police are those that will keep you functioning well when unexpected circumstances arise. These you need to brainstorm on the fly. Learning to do this well is a constantly evolving effort, since we change throughout life, and in small ways each day. It's more art than science, and only you can really know how well it's working for you at any given time. If you're constantly exhausted, resentful, or frustrated, it's not! So where does one start when it's clear that better boundaries are necessary?
There's a concept in Qi Gong, a Chinese healing art, that one should never do anything to more than 70 percent of one's capacity. Reserving 30 percent at all times means that there's leftover energy at the end of the day. You're not collapsing into sleep desperate for regeneration without which you cannot function; instead, you just need small adjustments to keep you in balance, and your sleep can regenerate you more deeply on all levels as well as build yin—energy reserves and power. Then, when you go through any periods of high activity, you can get through them in better shape. You'll have to rebuild your yin later to replace the overage you've used, but you are not a mess if you have to overextend yourself somewhat. If you encounter a health challenge when you're in the habit of reserving your 30 percent, you'll be able to bounce back from it more easily, and that's obviously very important to your quality of life.
Some other keys for learning to set appropriate boundaries:
- Write out and read daily two lists: Your goals and your highest values. Both help you to work out your long-term plans, and to make those on-the-fly decisions about when to say yes and when to pass. These decisions are subjective. If you don't have a strong commitment to your plans and values, you'll flounder more than is necessary when faced with a choice.
- Remember that no one can do everything that sounds interesting in any given lifetime. Focus on doing the things that seem most right for your interests and abilities (while remaining creative about workarounds and breakthroughs where you identify limits). Revel in how these things are yours, and make you unique and wonderful!
- Just because someone wants something from you doesn't mean you need to say yes to the request. If you're afraid of what will happen if you say no, you may need to work on your communication skills, your list of priorities, or your self-esteem. This last one is a long-term project in most cases, but every day is a good day to start. In order to set appropriate boundaries, you have to see your own life as valuable, just as much as everyone else's. If you're not sure what to do here, get help from a book, class, or specialist.
- Start to watch for beliefs that keep you stuck and challenge them. This takes some doing, but once you decide to notice your thoughts, you'll begin to become aware of them--whenever you feel frustrated or irritable, that's a great time to ask yourself what you were just thinking. Very often those thoughts will comprise some destructive beliefs that are sabotaging you. The stories we tell ourselves, when they're fatalistic (suggesting we are powerless to change our conditions) or negative in ways that trigger and prolong old, outdated patterns, have a huge effect on what's possible for us. Once you know your patterns, you can work on untying those old knots and freeing up powerful stores of energy for whatever you choose. I'll write more about what to do to change old beliefs in the future (and you can bet it will include using some EFT!) but the first step is noticing what's happening and being aware of what you'd like to change.
You will be most successful, and most able to help others, when you know how to live in balance. It's no good to anyone if you're chronically exhausted or overwhelmed and cranky. When you prioritize your own health, you are a living example of principles that can help everyone around you. No one else can do this for you, because no one else has first-hand knowledge of what you need. A willingness to set appropriate boundaries is an essential step in fostering your balance, happiness, and ability to be the best of yourself every day.