So Much Happier Blog
Leading the Charge
“Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.
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Being the one in charge is demanding, and if you are working toward any personal goals at all, this is you! While you get to do things your own way, you also have to be the one driving every aspect of your projects. Unless you're amazing at finding and convincing others to help you out at every turn, you're going to end up doing a bunch of tasks you're not good at and not comfortable doing. You're likely to find some of this painful; working way out past your comfort zone can challenge you at the deepest levels. Even if you have the ability to hire people to help you, you're still going to be the one responsible for your project's results. You'll still be the one who cares most about the outcome. You might not have to do all the tasks required, but you'll have to oversee the work of others, and that opens up a whole new realm of challenges.
If you're someone who is not used to being in charge (i.e., you're not the boss at work and you don't have kids or a successful history with running your own business), moving your goals forward will require you to learn some new operational skills. These may include time management; self-motivation; project planning and management; discipline and persistance (which require a host of mental and emotional management skills); problem solving; and communication skills, among others. Each of these skill areas has the potential to hold you back if you don't have at least a basic level of competency in it. Many people never move forward with important personal goals because they get hung up on these skill sets and don't do what's necessary to learn them. Sometimes this is because of an issue of identity, and unfortunate belief like, "I'm an artist, not a business person," or "I'm just not good at that." In this case, you'll need to do some work on the limiting belief itself, otherwise things will always be hard for you in this area. Sometimes it's just because not enough time and attention has been applied to the area in question. One doesn't learn new things by osmosis unless they're easy.
It's important to realize that while reaching your goal may be a lot of fun, some of the learning process that will make this possible will not be. Just as working out when you're out of shape feels terrible at first, stumbling through your early efforts in other skill building can as well. You might as well know this at the outset, and have coping strategies in place for when you have to attack tasks that make you feel like a hopelessly clumsy oaf. This is tough on the ego, and can be exhausting. You may need recovery time from such efforts, so it's a good idea to schedule short stints working on them in between easier tasks that are more fun for you. Remember that asking for help when you're really stuck is a key discipline. This does not make you weak, it makes you smart. You do not have to know everything. In this information age, that would be impossible, and everyone gets stymied sometimes. It's best not to waste too much time bumping into walls if advice from someone more experienced is available—and as long as you have access to a public library or the Internet, it is!
When you experience resistance or other discomfort as you learn new things, remember that absolutely everyone who has succeeded at anything has gone through something similar. Find friends you can talk to, look for mentors to advise you, and use EFT (Tapping) while you rant and rave and cry if you need to. Admitting to and expressing emotion as you go makes a huge difference. Carrying all of that around under the surface saps your energy, creativity, and confidence.
I wish I could say that once you change a limiting belief, it's just magically smooth sailing after that. It helps a lot to clear out the mental and emotional clutter, but most often, getting where you want to go requires focused effort over time. You'll need to map out a route and take steps often to keep up your gains and your enthusiasm. You'll have to practice more than you'd like to and sweat sometimes as you break new ground. Learning new skills is taxing, but as you practice, momentum builds, and using your fledgling skills gets easier. None of this work is glamorous, but it's necessary if you want to move forward. Pursuing personal goals will help you to feel more alive every day, so continually feeding that charge of excitement is worth it. When you feel like you're struggling, grant yourself appreciation for being willing to work at this, take good care of yourself, and keep moving! Enjoy the process when you can, and when you can't, just keep your mind on your destination.
When You Assume...
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
Ok folks, here we go with more on communication skills. This is an area in which improvement gains you greater power in all areas of your life, so time devoted to it is never wasted. Unless you're a hermit on a mountaintop, you need these skills every day, so we're going to stick with the subject until we've covered what I think are the most helpful general ground rules to remember when talking with other people, whether they're your closest loved ones or perfect strangers.
This next one can prevent combustion when your discussion is approaching a flash point, so don't disregard it because it seems too simple. Here it is: Make no assumptions. Now, you might be thinking, "Right, sure, I get it." But this is much harder to do than it seems at first glance. To really hear what someone else is saying, you often have to continue listening past when you might think you've gotten the message. No matter how close you are to another person, they remain distinct from you, always changing, and ever surprising; it pays to remember that. No one likes for you to assume you know everything about them, because today something may have changed. Sometimes people change so slowly that we don't see it happening, but conversation will reveal new viewpoints.
In order to be part of an authentic exchange, we need the courage to be willing to hear about others' changes, even if they affect us. It's natural and good for all of us to continue to learn, change and grow throughout life. We are supposed to progress, with the accumulation of experience, toward wisdom. Each person with the necessary health and capacities is on their own adventure toward this end. It is ungenerous to try to hold someone in a stagnant place because that's more comfortable for you. If you fear the ways in which others' changes will affect you, that means you have work to do. If you don't do your personal work around that, you'll be unable to truly hear and understand another person.
The prospect of change can be frightening, no doubt about it, so you will be best served by finding ways to handle your fears. Feeling fear is part of the human experience, but like all emotions, it's a signal with a message for you. If you can hear and acknowledge the message, you will usually feel better immediately to some extent. Then what remains is the work of deciding which actions you will take to remedy the cause of the emotion. I cannot emphasize enough how much EFT/Tapping can help you with this kind of work—finding both clarity and the willingness to respond to your emotions appropriately. EFT is an amazing, free tool that is gentle and easy to use. I suggest that you and become comfortable with using it. Even just using the basics can give you significant support in dealing with your emotions.
It's great to acknowledge when someone else's communications strike fear into your heart once the other person has had a chance to say their piece. That helps you not to expend energy hiding how you feel, and it gives the other person the opportunity to consider your place in their process so that you can work out a plan that works for both. However, generally I suggest that you start by checking what you've heard to make sure that you understand. Put what you think they've said into your own words and see whether they agree that you're on the same page. If you are, then you can explain your immediate reaction, as well as your willingness to compromise or work together—or your need for something else entirely. If you immediately spin out when you think you may have heard something you didn't like, you'll tend to get lost in your own thoughts, and any hope of really understanding and finding common ground with the other person goes out the window. It's all too easy for unfortunate misunderstandings to ensue. If you think they're being a jerk, and you repeat back what you think they've said calmly to make sure you understand, they'll appreciate the opportunity to rephrase if they did not communicate clearly. It also gives them an opportunity to hear how what they said sounds, and sometimes people will rethink their position when they realize that it sounds mean or inappropriate.
Reminding yourself that it's your job to allow others to be who they are, and that it's right for them to have the opportunity to follow their own path, may be necessary. So may be the willingness to keep revisiting a subject if understanding can't be reached immediately. Sometimes the greatest leaps in our facility with communication skills come about because relationships with those we care most about challenge us to step up. This process may not always be fun, but it is rewarding if you refuse to give up. The ability to listen calmly and remain open to communications from others is a valuable life skill that will enable you to understand others on a deeper level, make better choices, and relate to them in ways that ultimately work for you.
Communication Tips for Introverts
“Often confused with shyness, introversion does not imply social reticence or discomfort. Rather than being averse to social engagement, introverts become overwhelmed by too much of it, which explains why the introvert is ready to leave a party after an hour and the extravert gains steam as the night goes on.”
After last week's blog about communication skills, one reader asked about tips for introverts, so here are some ideas for those of you who find it somewhat draining to interact with others. The skill sets required for effective communication still apply to you, and you may be excellent at them. You just might need to do some additional thinking about modifications that will take your particular style and needs into account.
Because introverts need more time alone or with only those they feel closest to in order to recharge, they have a tendency to avoid in-person communication more than extroverts. As a result, over time, they may gain less practice in using important communication skills than others, and end up less confident in this area, because there is no substitute for experience. With some concentrated effort, it is possible to bump up your skills by challenging yourself to add interactions here and there, but without overwhelming yourself.
One of an introvert's strengths is that time alone allows an opportunity for learning new information and thinking deeply about it. Introverts may have more patience for inquiry than others, and this can help you to be better prepared for interactions when they do occur. My first suggestion is to embrace this power and do your homework! A great deal can be learned from books, audios and videos about the skills you need to successfully navigate communications with others. One can never predict how someone else will choose to communicate in return once you're in an interaction, but you can plan out what you have to say, and even rehearse how you can best react to a number of different responses. That doesn't mean that your in-person attempts will be without surprises—that will never be the case, even if you're highly intuitive—but putting time and effort into preparation really will help you to feel more confident about using your skills both in specific situations and in general, as in whenever they're called upon unexpectedly. It will also help to make your interactions a bit less stressful, and therefore, less draining.
The next suggestion I have for introverts is that you work on owning, loving, and being willing to explain your introverted characteristics to extroverts. Many introverts feel that the world favors extroverts in that it's set up for people with spontaneous, in-person people skills, and stamina forlonger social interactions, to win. Introverts may have heard many times that they are anti-social, selfish because they don't want to join in, or weak because they are sensitive in ways that others aren't. None of these assessments is fair; introverted people just naturally have a different makeup than extroverted people. Neither is better or worse, but each culture will have opinions about these basic characteristics. Depending on where you were born and what your family was like, you may have had vastly different experiences than someone else with the same characteristics. No matter what you were told, you can learn to celebrate who you are.
At first, it might seem odd to be completely forthright about yourself, but once you start to see that it helps, it will probably become easier. You might begin a conversation with something like, "Because I'm naturally introverted, talking with other people tends to wear me out, and I sometimes prefer extra time to think things through. I want to have this conversation with you, but it might be most productive if we could have it over time. I also like e-mail, so we could do some of it that way. Would that work for you?" Being open will keep others from guessing incorrectly about what's best for you. It helps them to help you, which people will often be willing to do if you give them a chance. Your willingness to explain what you have to offer that is positive because of your introverted nature will also help others who are wired differently to stop and take note of your value. If you're not sure how you would represent this, spend some time thinking about it, and do some research on the topic. Every characteristic brings gifts if you learn to understand and leverage its positive side. You will feel more confident in interactions if you don't feel the need to apologize for who you are.
If you find yourself struggling in the midst of a conversation, for instance when someone misunderstands what you're saying and you don't know what to do, stay calm, breathe, and try again. I promise you that building communication skills through practice with other humans is challenging, frustrating, and tries the patience, at times, of all who attempt it. It's not just you! This is a human thing. But the effort is worth it. This is a skill set you will use on almost every day of your life. The better you are at wielding it, the easier and less stressful so many areas of your life become.
While you will always need plenty of time to yourself, your interactions with other people can become a much greater source of satisfaction as you represent yourself and your needs more clearly. When you can represent your needs and your value calmly but firmly in your communications, you make it much more likely that you will achieve a result that works well for you; you can also help to focus others in on the brilliance they may otherwise have missed, in you and in others they know. And that's a win for everyone!