Oh Boy

“Unlike a drop of water which loses its identity when it joins the ocean, man does not lose his being in the society in which he lives. Man’s life is independent. He is born not for the development of the society alone, but for the development of his self.”

— B. R. Ambedkar

I have often observed that men, not having gone through the same kind of very public and summary protest and reimagining of their traditional roles that women did in the 1960's and 1970's, remain at something of a disadvantage in today's world.  While there are still sectors of of the Western world in which the expectations of women are still fairly traditional, in many cases we feel able to access a wide variety of options in areas of self-expression—hairstyle, dress, identity and behavior—to an extent that men still may not.  True equality will mean that both men and women are able to act and express themselves as they wish as long as their choices are legal and ethical.  Clearly, we are not there yet.

To the extent that men choose to express in ways that seem more traditionally feminine, such as by walking or speaking with more feminine-seeming gestures, or by wearing colors, hair, or clothing styles that don't read as sufficiently "masculine," they are still often abused both verbally and physically with a brutality that women may be able to avoid in a wider variety of choices.  Not that women have it easy, but it seems to me that there are still much narrower expectations of men, exemplified by ignorant yet surprisingly persistent catchphrases like "Boys don't cry."  Feeling emotion is a human thing, not a masculine or feminine monopoly!  Desires for things like the enjoyment of beauty, being playful and peaceful, achieving harmony with others and the world, and defining oneself by things other than work-related success should be viewed as human as well, rather than solely the purview of the feminine.  By denying men a wide variety of choices in self-expression and preference, we deny them the right to be fully human.  Often in my work with men, we need to work on undoing traumas born of inappropriate judgments about who they are, and their value, based on past experiences.  These traumas keep them feeling trapped, and sometimes enraged, because they have felt painted into corners for so long.  I believe that for the good of the future of the whole human race, this kind of ignorance must end.  

I enjoyed a recent article written by a friend of mine who is raising a son, which points out the unnecessary effects of the perpetuation of such strictures, so I thought I'd send it along this week.  I think it's useful for us all to think about how we might be perpetuating obstructive assumptions about who others can and should be.  Not only are they hurtful to others, these tend to come directly back to us subconsciously, and we end up judging ourselves just as harshly as we judge others over identity issues, which is good for no one.  When we can learn to step aside from knee-jerk judgments of ourselves and others, we allow ourselves to live in a more creative, loving world filled with possibility; we have access to more enthusiasm, curiosity, and vitality, which allows us to accomplish more, and do so with greater enjoyment.  The mind is excellent at analysis, which is part of what makes it so powerful; yet, if we allow it to overanalyze others or automatically restrict us, we are misusing its power.  We're also holding back not just ourselves, but everyone around us, from having the joyful experience that is possible if we allow heart and spirit to join the party.

We all have opinions and preferences, and that's as it should be.  However, the tendency of our ancestors to fear and denigrate those who look different or make different choices (that don't actually threaten us in any way) is holding us back now that the world's motley, varied cultures live in such close proximity.  It bears thinking about how subtly learned attitudes may be preventing us from living and letting live so that we can waste as little possible energy on others' characteristics that are just not our business.  Next time you find yourself thinking something harsh about yourself or someone else, think about whether this is worth your mental spin.  If not, get back to putting your energy toward all the positive goals that need your focused attention!