So Much Happier Blog
The Upward Path
“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.”
Among the needs that humans have in the esteem category is the need to feel our own capacity, in other words our ability to handle life as its events wash over us. We all long to feel that we are enough. In fact, in my work with clients, I often find that most of us have a deep-seated horror of not being enough that keeps us in a lack mentality, which in turn continually stimulates the body’s stress response. Numerous factors can feed this vicious cycle, including the amped-up messages we receive daily in many modern cultures that no one is ever enough, that we must all be striving to be the best at all things all the time—which of course is a losing battle, because no one person ever could be. In the end, no one else can decide for you that you are enough. You must simply decide yourself that you are. Maslowe identified several ways in which we seek satisfaction in the process of making this decision, some of which we’ve already covered, some of which we address this week, and some of which we’ll look at next week. Since the highest rung on the ladder of capacity that can be achieved through learning and practice is generally known as mastery, that is where we will set our sights today. This is within the reach of most of us, and a worthy goal to strive for.
One can be a master of information, or of practice, or of both. Someone can have expert-level understanding of a subject matter area, yet be unable to produce results in that area. That person is still a master of intellectual knowledge, and that can be incredibly useful if applied in some way or passed on to others who can apply it. Someone else can be a master of doing something with a high degree of excellence, but be unable to explain it, and lack the benefits that come with studying widely on the subject. He may have focused on results only, and sought only the coaching and information that was absolutely necessary to keep moving forward. This too can be extremely useful, as this kind of mastery leaves a trail that others can analyze and duplicate, and again pass on to others. The master who is most revered, though, is often the one who both understands a subject deeply and can demonstrate that knowledge through action and the creation of exceptional outcomes. This person is often widely influential. She is likely to receive feedback from others to that effect, which helps her to feel significant—but that’s next week’s topic! I’m getting ahead of myself.
Thoreau famously claimed, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” and I think most of us know all too well what he was getting at. Many people fail to find ways to live with purpose, verve, and the feelings of self-esteem we’re addressing here. So if we all desire feelings of competence, and building mastery in any area is helpful in producing those feelings, why don’t more of us commit to striving for mastery? Well, how about: Life is not easy, first of all. Second, if we are not stubbornly purposeful about setting a course and continually working to stay on it, it’s so darned easy to be distracted by what others want for us, by the demands of others, by pain, by pleasure, by loud noises, and heck, by shiny objects! You name it, we’re curious about it. And that’s fine. That’s all part of life. But if we don’t allow ourselves to apply our innate abilities to the pursuit of mastery, we miss out on one of the grander adventures it’s possible to have on this planet.
The process of blossoming into mastery is one filled with drama. I remember years ago hearing Marianne Williamson make the distinction between the “cheap drama” that prevails when you’re living a petty, childish, self-absorbed life, and the worthy drama that remains part of your experience when you’ve grown into a more authentic, mature person. (I’m paraphrasing from memory here, so apologies to Ms. Williamson if something is lost in my translation.) I loved this concept, and I think this applies to growing into mastery as well. Truly mastering nearly anything requires treading a long road that includes difficulty and constant effort and change. It includes learning from others who are available to you, even when you know they’re not the best teachers or you don’t love their personalities. It also includes the necessity of eventually throwing off the strictures of what has been done before, just as a teenager must assert personal independence through acts of rebellion (on whatever scale) in order to become an adult. There will be times when you have support and help, and others when you don’t; portions of the road will inevitably be lonely and dark. At times your prospects will seem hopeless as you hit barriers that seem final. You will lose things along the way, which is part of the price of the journey. You will gain many others, including successes and personal strengths that can’t be taken from you. The empowerment that results from reaching the mountaintop at the end of the road is one of life’s peak experiences (another concept originated by Maslowe, by the way—what a guy). If you ask anyone who you consider to be a master of a subject or a skill set, I think you’ll find that his or her story of the path that lead to mastery was full of ups and downs, and expressed the truly meaningful drama inherent in striving for excellence through exhilarating highs and frightening lows.
While some of this may sound pretty good, the hard parts are no joke. Most of us are never taught the skills that make up the strength known as discipline. Most of us are petrified of discomfort, for instance, and are never given strategies for dealing with it in a healthy manner so that we can keep moving toward our mountaintop. Most of us lack basic knowledge about maintaining the health and balance of the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Many of us were never shown the basics of organization, which is necessary for keeping everything together through a long and taxing effort. Many of us were not instructed in the development of focus and techniques on restoring it when it has evaporated. You can expect more on these topics in blogs up ahead. But those who are keenly aware that they are missing essential pieces in these areas will lack the confidence to take on a process that can be as grueling as the effort toward mastery.
For those who do venture out onto the path, and who persevere through all the strangeness they encounter, life becomes far fuller and richer. Whatever they are able to achieve is far more than they had before, and more than those who never try will ever have. Now, I believe all human life has value, and that we need not be on a path toward mastery in order to be worthy. We still have the power to decide for ourselves that we are worthy for any reason or no reason at all, and in fact I recommend it! Doing so tends to immediately make life feel better, and that tends to enliven our energy and creativity, which in my world is pretty much always a good thing. But if we are able, why not try to wring the most juice out of life that we can? Feeling that we are competent, that we have done good things, and that we can do more is a major component of building self-esteem. Why not reach for something grand and see how far we can climb?
It’s worthy of mention that yet higher than mastery is the realm of genius, but that is reached only when mastery is combined with natural talent to yield the astonishing feats of someone at the pinnacle of his or her area of endeavor. Therefore, as you consider what to master, I highly recommend choosing something that ignites your curiosity with the flame of passion. When you love a subject, learning is a joy, even a happy compulsion. It will be a lot easier to keep going if you always have that flame keeping you lit from within. It will also attract others with its brilliance and power, which can open up opportunities as you reach milestones and require new resources. Now, off you go! If you’re not yet on the path to mastery, dig deep for ideas about where you can place your target. The pace and the goal are entirely up to you, and your business only. What mountain do you want to scale? What's a tiny step you can take to begin?
*I was influenced in this post by some of the resources listed here, including a great book called Mastery.
Mr./Ms. Independence
“Independence is happiness.”
Following Maslowe’s breadcrumbs, we’ve now arrived at the area of needs related to esteem. Now that we’ve taken care of basic physiological needs, safety, and love and belongingness needs, he postulates that we will become interested in seeing our sense of self-worth reflected back to us from the world around us. One of the achievements we long to feel that we’ve earned is independence, which allows us to know our own strength and our ability to stand alone. While few of us prefer to feel that we must remain alone, being confident that we can handle what comes up in life is an important part of feeling like a competent, whole adult. If it seems that we must always be relying on the support of others to make our lives run, the human spirit within has a tendency to resent the lack of freedom—even if it is we ourselves who refuse to do what is necessary to move toward independence.
When we have done the work to feel self-reliant, the confidence that results can form the basis of endless avenues of growth. Being reasonably sure that we can produce results that consistently avoid complete disaster, we become willing to take some risks, learn by doing, take on adventures that challenge our limits. People who have fulfilling lives have usually acclimated themselves to stretching beyond their comfort zones to some extent in following their desires and goals; this helps to keep life interesting by refreshing our perspective and encouraging creativity. Desire and creativity are natural hallmarks of humanity. If harnessed toward worthy goals, they are the most potent fuels we have behind our journey toward self-actualization, the highest level in Maslowe’s concept of personal evolution.
If we lack the confidence in our own competence and ability to rely on ourselves, we will find it very difficult to get anything done. Nothing kills enthusiasm like the conviction that our efforts are doomed before we’ve even started! The enjoyable journey toward something we’d really love to create becomes incredibly arduous, if not impossible, if we think it’s impossible to arrive. If procrastination is something you struggle with, you’ve likely skipped some steps in the process of building your sense of independence. If you take a look at what’s missing, you may find that filling in the gaps is just a matter of giving yourself a break from blame and worst-case scenarios, realizing that you just need some practice, and devising a simple plan to get it. If your confidence in yourself is very low, you may need to start very small and work up incrementally, which is fine. Whatever works to move you forward is worth doing; since it’s natural for us to have desires and use our creativity, feeling stuck in a rut is never going to be enjoyable.
The growth of independence is a natural part of human development, and most of us do gain some before adulthood. Children who are loved, supported, and encouraged by their parents to challenge themselves appropriately throughout childhood will naturally build confidence in their abilities. However, there are some obvious things that can go wrong, for instance: If a parent is overprotective, the child may not be allowed to be challenged enough; if too dominant, the child may not be allowed the space to develop her own judgment and opinions; if not loving and supportive enough, the child may never feel safe enough to accept a challenge and try it on, as the idea of failure can seem disastrous if you don’t have anywhere to land; if too demanding, the child may feel that they have far too much to do already without adding elective risk in pursuit of a personal goal.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, then you may need to imagine a parent for yourself that you didn’t have. What would the most skilled, loving parent advise you to do in order to build your own skills and confidence? When you look back, what do you wish your parents had done (and not done) in helping you to gain independence? Most of us can come up with some answers here without too much difficulty. Chances are, you’ve thought many times in your life when considering your family, “Why couldn’t they have just…” Once you have some ideas, you can use that imaginary parent as inspiration, brainstorm yourself about what you think would help you, or ask a friend you trust to help you come up with a few small steps you could take to get used to taking manageable risks toward something you want.
If you had the overprotective variety of parent, you may need to just practice taking risks at all, of any kind, like asking a stranger for the time, or taking a slightly different route to a familiar destination. If you had the dominant parent, you might want to start writing in a journal about what you think, and what went well each day, as well as what didn’t and what you might do better next time so that you can develop your own voice. If your parent wasn’t loving and supportive enough, then you need to build the habit of being more loving and supportive of yourself, and gather kind and caring people around you so that you can feel that it’s safe to fail here and there, and ok to take time to recover when necessary. If you had a demanding parent, you may need to practice scaling back on busy-ness in order to create space to try some new things, and find ways to combat your judgmental inner voice.
You may also need to find a coach or a cheerleader who will take an interest in your process and share the journey the way the best possible parent for you would have done. It’s also a great idea to get advice from an expert in your area of interest, whether in person or in book or recorded format. This can help shorten your learning curve, which can make this process seem more likely to end in success, and thus, more fun. As you gain experience and understanding, you can become more bold. Keep in mind that most of us grow more quickly and easily by leveraging positive reinforcement—some kind of healthy reward for small victories, whether it’s a bubble bath or a celebratory dinner with those you love. It also helps to share our ups and downs with others in some way. And for many, thinking about ways in which this learning process might help others in the future can make the process more fulfilling.
No matter what childhood you had, chances are you emerged from it feeling like you missed something or other that everyone else seems to have mastered. We often tell ourselves that we’re hopeless, even broken, because of these missing pieces. This is clearly not an approach likely to lead to growth and happiness. If you can isolate an area or two in which your natural development may have been arrested, even small movements forward in those areas can yield significant returns in confidence, because these movements remind us that reaching a distant goal may be possible after all. We need to know that change and growth is possible to feel like we’re really alive. Do yourself the honor of spending just a little time on considering what you need in order to feel more confident and independent, and I think you’ll find that your horizons broaden such that life’s prospect is suddenly much more appealing.