So Much Happier Blog
Stopping the Insanity
“For fast-acting relief try slowing down.”
In recent weeks, we've been touring the kinds of pressure we're all under in living a modern-day life, and there are many! Any time period in history has its challenges, to be sure, and living in these times is far from all bad; we can now benefit from many innovations that dial down the difficulties of just surviving in a way that previous generations could not; in fact, the knowledge that the Internet has made available on virtually all subjects has been a massive game changer that allows us to solve many problems much more quickly and thoroughly. It also allows nearly instant communication around the globe at low cost. This has fostered greater cultural understanding and cooperation than has ever been possible before. But as previously discussed, this new day has its own particular downsides. The pace at which we now live is causing a panoply of problems born of the stress of being pulled in so many directions at once.
So what do we do about this? Most of us know very well that we're stressed out way too much of the time—it feels like there's never enough time. And time is one of the only things we still can't manufacture. It seems like an impasse, a problem that inherently can't be solved.
It's easy to become frantic in trying to keep up with everything and then just lock into autopilot and repeat. This right here, friends, is the status we most need to disrupt. There are solutions that will work for you, but you'll need to proactively stop and take some of that precious time of yours to consider what they might be. Your presence, your intent, your actions, remain incredibly powerful. If you feel hopeless and frantic, it's because you've forgotten about them and become mired in other people's worlds.
The single most useful thing you can do is consider who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses, and what you truly want at the deepest levels. This can sound like a radical proposal (doesn't this make you selfish, and really, how will it help anyway?) However, it's only by asking these questions that you find where you can be most effective. We all can't be good at everything, and the things we're not good at, or just flat out don't like, drain us of energy and motivation. Doing things we like and are good at, conversely, inspires and energizes us. We're more productive, we're happier and more pleasant to be around, and we can better adapt to challenge when we're not exhausted and dispirited. This is pretty common sense, but it can also seem too simple.
Then, you must take action. How can you support your long-term passions and goals on a day-to-day basis? Marking out time on your calendar for specific activities is also necessary if you're serious about making progress, because if you don't prioritize, you won't end up with any time for your high-importance activities. Further in this direction, decide to start noticing when you're on autopilot and remind yourself that small decisions matter. It may not always be clear what steps will help you to further your goals while still satisfying the important responsibilities you need to maintain, but you have to play if you want to win! When you're learning to tip the balance of your life toward conditions that support you, you will have to learn by doing, so just try something. Others may have helpful ideas for you, but only you know for sure what works for you. Over time, you get better at making good decisions as long as you're staying focused on your goals.
If clarity is your first need, your second is flexibility. It's hard to shake off daily disappointments, annoyances, and unfairness, but if you don't find a way, the changes you want to make will be over before they start. The experiences that life brings us, both good and bad, are extremely vivid, and letting go of the past is both a huge challenge and a necessity for maintaining a happy focus on goals. While there is a lot of information out there on how people stay calm and present in every moment, most of us are not actively taught these skills.
There are many approaches you can take to learning skills in this area. I suggest learning some sort of meditation technique (Tapping counts!), moving your body to stay healthy and generate endorphins, and getting adequate sleep and the best nutrition you can for your personal needs. Doing all of this together will build your ability to be flexible in the face of daily challenges. That may sound like a very tall order if you're currently living each day as a mad dash, but by using your priorities as a guide and making more of your decisions consciously, you can find ways to slowly whittle down the distractions bit by bit. You can reduce the pace at which irrelevant information and demands bombard you and guilt you into acting against your own knowledge about what would be best for you.
Most of us are hampered in our health and happiness by frequent overwhelm. We must take back our decision-making process from the chaos. We all know what it's like to wish for magical, total solutions, but life so rarely hands us those! Counting on one just showing up is a lovely fantasy, but not a good strategy for living the life we desire. With this in mind, what can you do today to make a new, more supportive decision about your tomorrow?
Girl Power!
“Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.”
I have a beef with a lot of the language I hear out there in the motivation and personal development arenas. There are many wonderful teachers giving their all and providing excellent information. However, too often I find the available advice to be heavily skewed toward that which boils down to exhortations to students to man up, stop whining, and just do it, whatever the "it" of the moment may be.
We all have access to both masculine and feminine energy and wisdom, but because the past two thousand years or so have been a time of dominance of masculine energy, experience, and thinking, most of us alive now have all been taught that action and tangible results are what matter in life. The measure of success during this time has been how much wealth one could amass (whether or not one had any plan for actually utilizing it) and how much power and influence one could gain over others. Not to say that the desire to gain rewards is bad or that masculine energy is no good! It can be a very helpful and motivating thing to enjoy achievement, rewards, and the process of earning a place of respect in the world. Masculine energy, and men, have a unique and important viewpoint to contribute that is 50% of the necessary picture. But we've been severely out of balance with the feminine energy side of things, which would vote that rewards not be gained at the expense of others' rights, health, and safety; that wealth be used to improve daily life for self and community rather than being endlessly hoarded as a symbol of self-importance; that those who are not the most competitive, aggressive high achievers still have inestimable value that may reveal itself through states of being rather than states of doing.
Through my experiences with clients and my own personal work, I have found that the reasons behind the difficulties most people have in creating the success they want generally lie in accumulated pain and in fear, rather than in laziness or weakness. They don't need to be shamed into action, particularly since shame is a poor motivator—it may spur someone to temporary action, but it's likely to leave him more demoralized than when he started once any challenge appears to block his wave of progress. We don't need to be whipped into a panicked frenzy about how little time we have to spend on this planet through rallying cries like, "You can sleep when you're dead!" Instead, we need to learn motivation techniques that are self-perpetuating, those that have a tendency to build momentum over time; such techniques are built around positive feelings like fun, appreciation, and the satisfaction of personal values. If we try to power our dreams and goals on shame or frenzy, we inevitable burn out, because prolonged exposure to these feelings steals energy rather than creating it. A few people may continue to pick themselves up and keep going through cycles of ultra-high activity and demoralizing crashes, but for most people, the extreme swings that mark the reality of this paradigm are not helpful or productive.
In pursuing what you truly want, here's what I suggest to help you bring the power of the feminine viewpoint into play:
· When envisioning a goal, start with the ideal, whether or not it seems attainable. Then, work forward from where you are now and backward from where you want to be to come up with a sequence of steps to get there. This is essential work, but also, know that the roadmap you're creating is just a draft that you're likely to revise many times unless the goal is very simple. Avoid becoming rigid about adhering to your plan, and attempt to remain open and curious. Curiosity is an aspect of feminine energy.
· Keep in mind that even a master in a given field doesn't know everything, and must constantly adjust plans in order to stay on course as life throws curveballs. Get used to the idea that flexibility is an absolutely necessary life skill, and challenge yourself to build this capacity little bits at a time. For example, you might want to rehearse a sequence of supportive thoughts that you can bring to bear when something unexpected happens. Then, when you’re interrupted or required to reconsider your course, you have that thought string to fall back on to help you remember that this is not a disaster. Compassion for the self and others is a gift of feminine energy.
· Make space for your intuition, by which I mean the mysterious gifts of your unconscious mind's workings, your connection with and experiences with others, and your connection with the divine if that's something you believe in. This is a huge area, but one worth investing in in whatever way you are inspired to do so. Many of the world's most creative and prolific artists and inventors have powered their plans with ideas that seem to flow to them effortlessly in odd moments. We can all learn to be more open to such processes. Intuition is one of the superpowers of the feminine, and we can all learn to make use of it.
· Make sure you think about how your values underlie the goals you pursue. If your goal is not truly an expression of your highest values, achieving it will be unsatisfying. Take time to really listen to what’s in your heart about what brings you joy. Creating harmony with the self, as well as with others, is a feminine-energy strength.
· As long as you take time to celebrate and feel good about your small victories, making progress can and should be fun. Most people almost never stop and appreciate what has gone well and the small achievements they’ve made within a larger process. In failing to do so, they leave a huge source of daily happiness and renewal on the table. If you’re not having fun, you need to focus more on why you want to achieve your goal, and how great it will feel when you do. It’s fine to acknowledge that you’re not sure how you’re going to find your way to success, but then it’s time to get off that topic and get back to feeling great about where you’ve decided to go. This greatly contributes to the creation of positive motivation and energy, and should be part of your daily routine. Fun and playfulness are some of feminine energy’s greatest strengths.
· If you feel stuck, it may be because you’re struggling with one of your emotions; try actually allowing yourself to be open to any messages that the emotion has for you. Even the most unpleasant emotions have wisdom to offer if we’re willing to listen for it. Talk out or write down what you’re feeling. You may uncover something that you’ve been afraid to admit, but is your truth at the moment. If you try to sweep all your emotions under the rug, you’re wasting a lot of energy, because it takes effort to keep them under there. If you let them come up and examine them, you get that energy back, and you can apply it to whatever you want. You get even more energy back if you’re willing to actually feel those feelings so they can be released and transformed. Again, ask for help from a professional if you’re stuck. Refusing to acknowledge emotions is not a sign of strength, it’s a sign of fear, and if indulged, it will lead to brittleness and eventual meltdowns. The willingness to confront your personal truths is one of the feminine aspects of courage.
Here are some of the ways in which it's ok to be uncomfortable as you work toward the fruition of your best ideas:
· Say you find that the next step of your roadmap requires that you learn something that's not fun or natural for you. Does this mean that you're on the wrong track? No! It means that you were not born knowing how to do everything that life requires. Welcome to life on planet Earth! It's usually best to get a basic grounding in the skills you need, even if you decide to find or hire help with that skill going forward. You don't have to master every skill, but you need to know enough to be able to supervise or partner with others effectively. Learning something brand new is uncomfortable, but this discomfort is just part of the process of growth. Flexibility is a feminine aspect of power.
· Working toward a big goal can be frightening. You may need to grow into a more expanded, more competent person in order to get to it, and you may wonder if you can, or even should, do this. After all, who will you be then? What will you have to give up? Will you like yourself? Will your loved ones still like you? How will you cope? If you're confronting issues of identity, but your goal is something you really want, don't be afraid to get help from a friend, a psychological professional, or a coach in finding a way through your dilemma. If you don't resolve your conflict, you're likely to encounter resistance from your unconscious mind. This can take the form of all kinds of obstacles, from illness or injury to confusion and lethargy to fears that stop you in your tracks. Your subconscious mind is the more feminine-energy part of your mind. It’s also a much bigger, more influential part of your mind, so you might as well learn to work with it rather than against it.
· You may worry about how your life will change if you do reach your goal. What if people criticize you? What if you get a lot of unwanted attention? Or you might just worry that you won't be able to make it happen at all. Either way, you need a constructive way to deal with worries and fears. There may be past experiences and traumas you need to heal. As usual, I will recommend EFT/Tapping here. It's a fantastic tool for helping you to calm yourself down and regain perspective so that you can go about your business resourcefully. When we act in states of fear, we have less brain power at our disposal, less access to our creativity, and often less physical coordination. When we act from a sense of confidence, we tend to have a much better experience. It’s worth some effort to change your emotional, mental, and physical state before making decisions or putting plans into action. Healing is one of feminine energy’s superpowers.
· You may encounter the negativity and naysaying of others. While this can be hurtful, no one but you has the right to decide what is appropriate, or possible, for you. Even if Negative Nellie has your best interests at heart, she is not the boss of you! Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something when you feel deep down that it's part of your life's purpose to try. Find more positive people to support you, and work on your own resistance to negativity. Rehearse saying something like, "Thank you for caring about me. I'll think about about what you've said." Then proceed to make whatever you believe is the best decision for yourself. People often think they’re protecting us by discouraging us from endeavors that seem dangerous to them, even if their fears are based in their own personal issues that have nothing at all to do with you. It’s up to you to decide what’s worth your time and effort. Feminine energy can be stubborn, and this can be a good thing!
· Making mistakes and failing at attempts feels bad. It won't generally kill you, though, and through these experiences, we often learn the most valuable lessons about how to get where we want to go in ways that we won't ever forget. Take the time to review what went wrong, talk it over with someone you respect, and put your new awareness to use going forward. The more comfortable you become with the idea that you will sometimes fail, the less likely you'll be to freak out and quit—and the more you'll learn over time. You'll also end up with terrific stories, which will make you a more entertaining human being. Everyone wins! Being able to laugh at oneself and the absurdities of life is another aspect of feminine power.
I hope you can now see that the more feminine-energy parts of you that may resist forward motion have valuable gifts to offer you if you pay attention, instead of trying to trample them under a stampede of frenzied, oblivious action. By all means, get inspired by the ideas of making great contributions and reaping spectacular rewards, but please don't allow anyone to convince you that you should ignore 50% of your own available wisdom. When you’re uncomfortable, allow yourself to pay attention to what’s going on, and write it out or verbalize it so you can decide whether there’s an important message in your resistance. Even if not, it’s best to find a way to care for the resistant parts of you rather than forcing yourself to soldier on despite your discomfort. Fear is a part of life, but there are things you can do to dial it down in a loving, compassionate way and get out of the fearful perspective without self-judgment. Once you do, you’ll be more likely to succeed and more able to enjoy the journey to everything you want. What’s stopping you from making the progress you want? Go ahead, write it down and see if there’s a helpful message in there for you!
To Love and Be Loved
“Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.”
A discussion of love and belongingness needs would certainly not be complete without a look at romance and intimacy, so that’s what we’ll focus on this week. In case you haven’t noticed, the world we live in is obsessed with romantic love, and the dream of intimate relationships between “soulmates,” pairs of people who seem to have achieved perfect harmony. Practically every song on the radio and every story line ever written include stories of loves won and lost. While many of us do seem to yearn for a deep sense of intimacy and connection with another, others find the idea of this less compelling, or find that what they yearn for is outside the accepted norm of romance; for some, what feels like a truthful expression of self in this realm will lie well outside the much idealized (but less often achieved) happy long-term monogamous relationship between two people. The good news is that, whatever your vision for yourself, there are likely many others in this wide world who want to achieve something similar, and with whom you might find what you’re seeking. Your chances of success are greatly enhanced if you’re willing to be honest with yourself and others about what that is, and courageous enough to stand up for it.
Anyone who has been in love knows that the feelings that result are intoxicating, blissful, both calming and energizing, inspiring. The chemistry of what happens in our bodies when we’re in this state is very real, and it all just feels, well, really good! Often effortlessly so. It’s natural to want to stay in it. However, maintaining this state over time requires some effort, the building of numerous skills that must mature with practice and experience, and the willingness to be challenged repeatedly. In some ways, this kind of love is even more challenging than familial relationships specifically because we are not related (at least let’s hope!) Your family members didn’t choose to be related to you, but they always will be. In romantic partnership, we’re clear that the other person always has a choice in whether to stay or walk away, and knowing this creates constant vulnerability. If one hasn’t done the necessary work to feel like a successful independent person who can comfortably live alone, this vulnerability can feel nearly unbearable. Human beings are social creatures who come pre-set with a terrible fear of being rejected and alone. Allowing love in is, in some ways, a radical act of optimism and one of the greatest leaps of faith it’s possible to make.
Vulnerability in relationships is also a product of allowing someone close enough in to really see us for who we are. In revealing ever more of ourselves, we give the other ever more chances to judge us as not good enough, and to wound us with that judgment. For many people, the fear of not being good, not being enough, is the worst of all. The idea of letting someone else see us clearly, and giving them the opportunity to confirm it if they will, can be terrifying. But one of the greatest benefits of taking a chance on love is the opportunity to be seen with our faults and loved anyway. This doesn’t happen every time—obviously—but when it does, it can go a long way toward helping us to heal from our fears of inadequacy. There’s no substitute for working on bolstering our self-worth from within, but real, accepting, caring love rewards our radical leap of faith by unleashing radical forces of healing. I think part of the reason so many of us pine for it is that we instinctively know the truth of this. While sexuality need not be a part of the equation in order to experience this kind of healing, there’s nothing like feeling that we’ve shared all the aspects of ourselves with another and still been acknowledged as worthy and lovable.
In order to keep love alive over time, here are some of the essential skills:
Courage. Love is not for the faint of heart. Maintaining enough vulnerability to foster intimacy can be taxing. Sometimes you’ll get hurt. You’ll need to have the courage to take another chance on this happening again and again even as you work on ways to hurt each other less. Relationships are not perfected overnight. Some relationships are easier. Others are harder, but offer great rewards that make the difficulty worth it. Each relationship is different.
Flexibility. Being truly close to another can be a wild ride. Each human being is unique, and we are so complex to be, to some extent, unpredictable always. Remaining close to someone over time means being willing to allow them to grow and unfold even when that is inconvenient for you.
Curiosity. If you can’t find others genuinely interesting, your long-term relationship prospects are slim. Intimacy requires taking an active interest in another and being willing to share in their revelations; you must be willing to be thrilled by their life as well as your own.
Generosity. Being close to someone else over time requires that you be willing to give as well as to take. If a partner feels that the balance of generosity is unequal in a relationship, they are likely to withdraw, and rightly so.
Openness. A good long-term relationship must be built on honesty and truth; it must allow both parties to share the best of themselves, and at least some of the worst of themselves. It also needs both parties to be able to openly adore the other much of the time. No relationship is all sunshine and rainbows, but if we’re unable to show love and appreciation openly, the relationship will not feel good. We also need to be able to allow ourselves to be adored and accept the love of the other.
Creativity. Each relationship being unique, there are no standard solutions that will work for everyone in all situations. Problem-solving skills are crucial in your ability to keep love alive. Issues will crop up, but if you come to the table with a determination to find a way through that works for all parties, and put your thought and creativity behind the pursuit, you are far more likely to find an excellent solution.
Patience. Sometimes solutions to the problems that arise will take time to find and implement. Sometimes we must live with discomfort. But being truly present in an intimate relationship can spur tremendous growth and excitement in life.
There are plenty of other fine qualities that aid in the maintenance of intimate relationships, of course, but these are a few to get you thinking. Are there others that you’ve worked hard to hone? Add a comment below to share what you know about making love work.
Despite all of our best efforts to perfect the art of being happily close to others, mystery will always be a part of our relationships. Chemistry is mysterious. How, why, and when people change is mysterious. Our evolving desires are mysterious. As much as we might like to feel an unshakeable sense of stability in our intimate relationships, it’s best to continue to strive to be comfortable with the idea that some things will always be unknown. It takes humility to admit that there will always be things we don’t know, but in this information age, it should be obvious that no one can know it all! Acknowledging this makes it easier to enjoy the surprises without feeling affronted by them, and that allows the journey of love and intimacy to be a lot more fun.