The Golden Rule of Gift Giving

“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.”

— Brian Tracy

In recent weeks, we’ve been looking at what place giving and gratitude have in your life. This week, we’ll be combining them into the consideration of the art of giving to express gratitude. Let’s face it, most of the time (barring joke gifts, which can be fun in a whole different way) it’s far more satisfying to give gifts that delight the receiver than to give items that are a random guess and likely to provoke a lukewarm reception at best. I’ve been told by family and friends that I’m good at choosing gifts that others appreciate, so I’ll lay out a few tips below that may help you to navigate the selection of any gifts you’re planning to give this holiday season. For some people, receiving gifts may be the primary way that they perceive they’re loved (see The Five Love Languages for a full explanation of this interesting concept). For others, it’s still a way in which they may feel seen and understood if the gift addresses their most passionate interests.

Expressing love and gratitude to the people in your life is first and foremost about tuning into them. If you want your gift to be a rousing success, the golden rule is to give the recipient what he or she wants or needs to receive. If you stay focused on this, you can’t go too far astray. Here are some specific tips on how to find out where to focus your ideas:

-Listen. If you already have or are willing to build strong listening skills, gift giving is just so easy! People talk freely about what they like, what they’re working on, and what they’re hoping for. Sometimes they’ll mention outright an item or experience that will help or please them, and if it’s in your price range, you’re done!

-Ask. You can ask what’s going on with someone and what they’re into lately even if they don’t volunteer information that will help you to know. If that’s not illuminating, you can also try asking someone else who knows the person for ideas. Even if your co-conspirator doesn’t have a specific suggestion, s/he might be able to remember something that sparked your giftee’s enthusiasm recently, and then you’ll have a subject area to guide you. And bonus—often others will enjoy helping you with the process if you just ask!

-Brainstorm. This is the part that should be creative and fun for you. There will be many possible options related to any given area of interest, including things you might make, find, or buy. Depending on his personal style of dress or home decor, you might find something your giftee could wear or display that alludes to his interests. You might be able to purchase an antique or vintage item, or a book or film, that will educate or entertain. You might be able to arrange for an experience she would enjoy having all set up. If you don’t have much of a budget, you might use your own skills to create something that will be useful or beautiful; if you’re not crafty, you might enlist the help of someone who is, or someone who has a lot of other contacts who can advise you. Internet searches can help expand your ideas list instantly if you’re stuck, as can searching within a Web site that will suggest items based on another search.

-Research suppliers and acquire or make your item. Once you have your decision about what you want to give, you get to put it all together, all the while looking forward with happy anticipation to giving something that will be meaningful, and brighten up your giftee’s day.

-This part can be a little trickier because it may involve your ego, but try to remain flexible, and willing to let your giftee decide to return and exchange your gift or even to eventually regift it in the future, extending the usefulness of the item and the joy it can provide in the world. Things must come and go into and out of people’s lives if they are to remain in right relationship with their belongings. It is the loving intent behind the gift that matters most. Once you have consigned your item to this person’s collection of things, it is now up to her/him to make decisions about its best use. An important part of giving that helps everyone to feel good about the experience is allowing others to be who they are and manage their lives in a way that suits them and their greatest happiness.

The art of giving gifts that truly express your gratitude for your relationships can take some doing, but it can also be a lot of fun if you allow it to be. It’s fine to put your own spin on things, but remember that people most appreciate gifts that fall within their interests, not yours. When you show that you’ve listened for what they like, and cared enough to choose something within their areas of passion, they will feel your good intentions and appreciate your efforts. Even something small and inexpensive can end up having a great deal of meaning, and act as a constant reminder of your relationship and your regard. Many things can increase your bonds with others, and giving can be a really wonderful, enjoyable one.