So Much Happier Blog
Life's Too Short for Beige
“The word ‘courage,’ one of my favorite words, the root or the etymology of that word is ‘cour,’ which means heart. I think true courage is actually following your heart and not getting or succumbing to what other people’s definition of what your life should be. Live your life.”
We all have choices to make in the items we surround ourselves with—furniture, decor, clothing, tools, etc., and these impact us on a daily basis. When you’re in a moment of choice, what if you took an extra moment, an extra breath, and asked yourself whether there’s an equivalent item that would please you more because it has a feature you’d enjoy, such as color, texture, or additional functionality? What if you only chose to bring things into your daily experience if you felt great about doing so? What if you knew that everything you touched during the course of your day was the result of the best, most supportive choice you could have made at the time, and you could enjoy interacting with it as a gift from your earlier self?
Time and technology march on, and your things may wear out and need to be replaced. Nothing, no matter how great, is ever the ultimate anything. Not to mention that looking to things to supply happiness is not an effective strategy, as happiness comes mostly from within. Too much emphasis on the potential of things to solve all our problems is unrealistic. However, human beings embody an evolutionary dynamic, meaning that we seem to always be driven collectively toward learning, growth, and progress. We also tend to enjoy expressing our evolving preferences, both personally and collectively, in our life choices. There is definitely joy to be found in choosing what is beautiful, supportive, and in alignment with your truth. Why not incorporate conscious thought about this so that you’re getting the best return on your effort wherever possible?
Note that I’m not suggesting that it needs to take a lot of money to do this. Personally, I’m a practiced denizen of thrift stores and buy/sell/trade Web sites, because they help make my resources go farther. And for example, something small that has recently improved my daily experience quite noticeably is the installation of dimmer switches in the bathroom and bedroom so that we can wake up to gentler light rather than blinding a morning stupor right out of the gate! This was not expensive, but it’s a really lovely change that makes our early mornings a gentler, more enjoyable experience.
Another example is that I personally have a conscientious objection to beige. I just hate it; for me, it’s the embodiment of drabness and depressing lack of creativity. “But I love it,” you might be thinking! “It’s a restful, serene neutral color!” To which I say, good for you. Whatever floats your boat. I just won’t ever be painting it on my walls, because I’m into bright, rich colors that delight my particular eyeballs. It’s about making choices that look, feel, taste, smell, and sound inspiring to you. Usually, choosing your favorite color won’t cost you any more. I encourage you to insist on it.
Making small choices that will bring you a focus for your gratitude is an excellent policy. If you find that you’ve got items you’re not enjoying, see if you can donate, sell or trade them in favor of things that are a better fit for you. When you make future choices, take that extra moment to ask yourself whether this item is the best you can do right now (and apply just a little patience if not). This alone can help your creativity rise and supply other options. Be you, and honor what you truly enjoy. After all, life is too short and precious to waste on blah!
Your Grateful Presence
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
In the U.S., last week we celebrated Thanksgiving, a holiday entwined with the seasonal return of nature’s harvest and plenty. Generally, we congregate with family and friends and eat way too much. We have leftovers for days. It’s a lot of fun if you like that sort of thing! The underlying meaning of the thing may be getting a bit lost in the holiday trappings, though, so this week I decided to slow down the view to make sure we don’t just blow right past it.
Nowadays most of us don’t farm our own produce, so we’re not focused, out of self-preservation, on minute natural rhythms the way humans have been throughout recent history. It’s easy to work oneself into a pace at which such things seem to fade into an irrelevant background blur, and the time of year barely enters the picture. Yet, leaving behind our ability to notice and relish the delights of each season removes a powerful tool for grounding, presence in the moment, and pure enjoyment. When we pretend that it doesn’t matter that this planet and its cycles are the backdrop for our experiences, we’re not fully here, and time can pass with a monotony that flattens out what can be most zestful about being alive. The enticing, mysterious, unique fragrances you encounter when hiking a trail at various times of year, for instance. A bright, clear blue sky, or one filled with clouds that sunshine occasionally streaks through in a burst of rays. The singing of birds and insects only present for a time. The arresting invigoration of a cold snap versus the soothing warmth of a summer breeze. Life is not only about technology! It’s also about being a physical, sensual being.
Our relationships with others can often pull us down to earth as well, reminding us to feel grateful for what’s good. Others surprise, delight, and challenge us in ways that will always keep life interesting. These interactions stir things up and keep us reaching for greater joys and better solutions. No one alone can produce a harvest as spectacular as one created in cooperation with worthy partners. Even poor interactions with others remind us of who we do and don’t want to be, which can spur us onward if we keep moving.
As long as you’re not in a life-and-death situation, it’s never a bad time to look around and notice what is unique to this moment. What’s going on in the outdoors today? What weather will you be dressing for, and what can you notice about it rather than completely avoiding its features? What kinds of fun have you had, or could you have, in it? What fruits and vegetables are in season, and how can you enjoy them right now? Who are you most grateful for and how can you express your feelings to them? Who is it that you can’t stand, and what does this have to teach you of tolerance or the courage to act?
By endeavoring to find gratitude throughout the year, even in the bleaker times, we fan the flames of inspiration. We practice awareness of our environment, which helps us to unlock opportunities we otherwise wouldn’t notice. We practice happiness, which can be a result of a diverse skill set and good old-fashioned effort and focus, not just of things going our way. We help others around us to enjoy the fruits of harvesting the moment and what it can offer us rather than only lamenting what is absent. When we do this, we can feel richer without much in our circumstances changing, and this is a kind of power that, in turn, can change everything.
Teaching Happiness
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”
Many of us struggle with creating happiness, motivation, and fulfillment, in large part because we weren't given the tools to successfully foster these things on a daily basis as part of our schooling. It's never too late to learn, though, and that's what this blog and my work are all about. It was refreshing, then, to read this week about how various governments are beginning to experiment with adding the development of important happiness-related skills to their school methodologies in order to help kids to be healthier mentally and emotionally, and perform better in school. Predictably (I think) it works really well.
Here's a link to the article I read, and I thought I'd just go ahead and pass it along this week. I hope it serves as a reminder that increasing focus on learning things like giving ourselves credit for what we do well, feeling grateful, and empathizing with those around us has real and measurable positive results. What can you do to model these results this week?
A Case of the Blahs
“I love to listen to the music that first inspired me - I get that fresh feeling back.”
There are times in which, even when things are going well, and despite all our best efforts, we are going to feel just…uninspired. There are so many factors that go into creating our experience of each day that we can often be surprised by how things seem to display, at any given moment, a natural tendency to come together—or not. It’s impossible to predict the daily outcome of the interaction of all things that affect us; that is just how things are on planet Earth, and it certainly keeps life interesting! It can also be pretty frustrating, say when you’ve got a certain amount of time allotted for something and then the unexpected happens and gets in the way. If this happens several times in a row, it can really disrupt your momentum. Or if you’ve been down with a cold, sometimes it takes longer than you want it to for you to get back up to speed and feel your enthusiasm for life returning. For whatever reason, there are those days when you just don’t feel like doing anything at all.
What to do when you feel this way? Depending on what your day looks like, you may have more or less latitude to change up your plans on the fly. Here are some thoughts on what to try the next time you get blindsided by a case of the “I don’t wanna, you can’t make me’s.”
· Allow yourself a moment to take a couple of breaths and acknowledge what’s happening. Most of us have been taught to just push through any emotion or preference that arises unexpectedly, but over time, this habit gets us into trouble. The more we repress what’s really going on internally, the more we resent the responsibilities, and sometimes the people, in our lives. We also add a potent risk factor for actual physical illness and disease. If you just get into the habit of letting yourself be aware of how you feel, you can take it into account in some way that you decide is appropriate. Sometimes just acknowledging it and the validity of your right to feel normal human emotions is enough to improve your outlook. Sometimes taking action of some sort will also be well advised
· Think for a moment about what you absolutely need to get done today. There are commitments that are not optional—for instance, the kids and the dog need to be fed. But other items on the list might be nice to have, but not really necessary, if you’re being totally honest with yourself
· If you decide that some task(s) can move to a different day, what would you like to do instead? Sometimes what you need is a break, some breathing room to do not much of anything, some time to regroup. But maybe there’s something that needs doing that would be more fun for you than what you had originally planned. One excellent secret of greater productivity is being able to swap tasks around to harness your enthusiasm at any given time. Sure, there are some tasks you’re probably never going to want to do, and sometimes you’ll have to just do them anyway. But there are days when cleaning and organizing/filing, for instance, might seem kind of fun, and there are times when it’s going to seem like cruel and unusual punishment. How can you roll with that?
· Sometimes the best thing to “do” is something that will boost you overall state of inspiration. What are your very favorite things to do, things you would do nearly every day if you had all the time in the world? Watch movies? Go to concerts? Play silly games with family members? Have a three-hour lunch with a close friend you could talk to forever? Go play a sport that makes you forget everything else for a while? Read a book by your favorite author? Whatever it is, it can be amazing how rejuvenated you can feel after a little time spent in this pursuit. Allowing yourself this time can energize your entire week
· What signals are you getting from your body? Does it need care that you’ve been procrastinating on? If you haven’t been drinking water, moving your body, or getting decent nutrition lately, ending up in a funk of some sort is a pretty likely outcome. Sometimes we pretend we can ignore the body’s needs. Zoolander-esque news flash: We can’t.
· Change your perspective by thinking about what’s going well in your life and what you’re grateful for. This can be as simple as the sun rising each day, or the fact that you’re still alive! Celebrate what you have accomplished, whether recently or in your finest moments. Sometimes feeling better just requires that you allow yourself some time to consciously feel good about yourself. Self-acceptance and self-congratulation can really prime the pump of your enthusiasm for life. It’s not arrogant to admit that some things about you are pretty awesome, and most of us don’t do this enough
· Ask for help. Most of don’t do this enough either. It might surprise you how often others are willing to help if you explain your situation and ask whether they can pitch in. As long as you’re not ordering them around, a lot of people actually like to feel like they’re helpful and being supportive of others
· Hug someone you love and tell them that you love them. When you don’t know what else to do, you can’t go wrong with this one, and sometimes it can very quickly change your state of mind
· What has worked for you before in the past in similar situations? Is there something you’ve been wanting to do that you could allow yourself time for?
· Be creative. If you like to paint, or write, or sing, or play an instrument, spend a little time doing that just for fun, or make yourself laugh by thinking up captions for the frowny cat picture above
· Even if it seems like nothing is boosting your mood, know that tomorrow will be different. Sometimes a night of decent sleep can change everything. Sometimes you’ll come out of a funk just as mysteriously as you went in
Feeling resistant to life’s requirements sometimes is completely normal. If you allow yourself some flexibility in how you approach your task list and your daily experience, you may find that the quality of your life actually improves as a result of these times. Any experience can be an opportunity to know yourself better and to find better ways of expressing the best of yourself in life. I hope that the next time you find yourself feeling less than enthused, you’ll be able to change something up without feeling bad about having to confront this part of the human experience.
Go Ahead, Indulge
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
Where I live, this is a week dominated by a holiday with gratitude at its core. It has been declared a time in which we should slow down and focus on what is good. That mostly takes the form of gathering with friends and family and preparing an elaborate (hopefully delicious) meal. This makes sense; some of the most basic and important things humans can celebrate are love and good food available in plenty. However, mixing the challenges of huge numbers of people all moving around at once, gatherings of hungry people who may not always get along, and the cooking of many dishes, with tricky timing issues all to be ready all at the same moment, can make for some pretty tense times! It may not be easy to navigate such treacherous waters with grace. How to keep your cool when you’re in the crossfire of such dynamics? Here are a few things that I think might be helpful to keep in mind in order to get the most out of this Thanksgiving holiday. If you don’t celebrate it where you are, you can still probably relate to the challenges and potential of such gatherings.
Let’s start with this: So much of what we experience is the result of what we choose to focus on. It’s a lot harder to choose your focus when you’re already annoyed and in a reactive place, so start thinking now about the underlying purpose of the holiday. If you can direct your awareness to the things in your life that really are good right now, and choose to really indulge, go all out, in appreciating them, you can get a running start into the spirit of the day. When you have that momentum going, you may find that it’s easier to stay focused on what’s going right rather than getting hot under the collar as soon as your most predictable relative starts up their most trying behaviors right on cue.
You get to decide which things in your life are worthy of gratitude. No one else has the right to make these decisions for you. When people you don’t see often declare their overly frank opinions about your life in front of others, that can seem like an assault on your value as a human being. It can also bring up subjects you’d rather not talk about in front of an entire roomful of eager beavers whose opinions you weren’t seeking. If you have reminded yourself in advance which things in your life you genuinely feel good about, you can carry those good feelings with you to buoy any disappointment you feel at being asked about areas you’re not so excited about. You also know some subjects you can steer conversation toward that will help you feel more comfortable. These subjects may also help others to feel that you are doing well, and they don’t need to worry about you. When relatives seem to be giving you grief about how you live your life, sometimes it’s because they legitimately care about you and just aren’t doing a good job of expressing that in a way that seems supportive. On the other hand, the really may be trying to put you down in order to make themselves feel superior, or in order to try to guilt you into something or other. In that case, you are still in control of what you choose to think about yourself and your value. It’s good to open to constructive criticism, but criticism that comes from anything but a loving and positive place can be safely thrown out. You can always ask someone you respect and admire for her opinion later if you feel confused about someone’s message and motives. But be determined to hold onto your gratitude, and it will be easier to remain grounded in your sense of self, complete with your remembrance of all the sources of joy in your life.
If conversation lags, or if Negative Nell just won’t stop with the horror stories, feel free to ask him about what he’s most grateful for, and then do your best to join him in appreciating and celebrating those things. This can bring out some surprising and sometimes touching stories about the past that you didn’t know about your family members. I find that hearing the stories of the best things that have happened to people I know, as well as how they avoided disasters or managed them to the best of their abilities, is fascinating. It helps me to understand them better, and also to feel the ways in which I am part of something bigger than myself, because I have shared life with them.
Make an effort to meet others with a predisposition to find something to appreciate about them, even if it’s small and simple. For example, maybe they’re wearing a nice color, or clearly made a significant effort to make a tasty dish to contribute to the day. Often people go through life feeling that they’re not appreciated, and when you acknowledgment them in some way, they brighten. Most people also enjoy talking about themselves, so a compliment may lead to a pleasant conversation, or at least a tolerable conversation, even with someone with whom you don’t seem to have a lot in common. Letting someone elaborate on something that makes them feel good about themselves can get things spinning in the right direction so that everyone can have a good time.
When all else fails, cling to others with a sense of humor (as long as they’re not excessively mean spirited). In life and in family dynamics, some things are absurd. Sometimes you are. It helps to laugh at yourself and at the absurd moments you encounter. Having a buddy with whom at least you can laugh, even if a gathering is uncomfortable, can be a relief and help you to keep everything in perspective, not to mention to remember it more fondly when all is said and done.
Sometimes it’s also appropriate to cry. The most intense experiences often occur around or in connection with family members, so give yourself a break when everything seems difficult. This intensity is part of life. Around those closest to you, you also tend to learn the most, specifically because of the element of challenge—the ways in which you have to expand your viewpoint to comprehend someone else’s, or the ways in which you become more compassionate to others with certain problems because you grew to understand how those problems come into being.
A heart filled with gratitude is one that has more to give: More compassion, more understanding, more appreciation of others. If you take responsibility for maintaining your gratitude in the most positive manner that you can muster, it becomes easier over time to both enjoy what you can in any situation and to stay true to your values even in the face of conflicting viewpoints. While I’m not suggesting that remaining stubbornly inflexible no matter what should be the goal, I do think that you have a unique viewpoint and life to live that no one else can replicate. The only thing you can ultimately control is yourself: Your thinking, your focus, your behavior. It’s your job to be you. Resolve to do it well, and to make use of the best tools and ideas available to you. The world needs the best you have to offer, this week and every week.
The Enigmatic Turbo Boost
“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”
Last week we considered a systematic, structured approach to planning out strategies for change in your life. Using a template like that one can be extremely helpful to keep you on track. Doing so also helps to remind you that it’s normal for change to be a process that requires a continuing loop of thought, work, and experience—most of us don’t have a functioning magic wand to make change instant and effortless, unfortunately! However, there’s also another side to this coin…a more feminine-energy aspect of the change process as I see it, and that’s intent.
Just deciding that you’re going to do something and holding the intent as you go about the business of the structured approach opens you to unpredictable leaps of insight that might not favor you otherwise. Inventors and artists often say that the idea just appears, or the story tells itself. In order to benefit from this kind of serendipity, it’s important to pose a request to the unconscious parts of yourself (in which you could also include your connection to a higher power if that makes sense to you) to send you answers your conscious mind might not find. I call that request intent. It really does have a power that’s hard to describe because the experiences it creates are not structured or linear, but more like the capricious comings and goings of a bird in the night.
Here’s the process I recommend:
· Once you’ve gained some clarity using the more structured approach, define the problem you wish to solve as specifically as you can. Use positive language, as in, “I intend to come up with an idea/find information that will help me to become well easily and in an enjoyable way” rather than “I don’t want to be in pain.”
· Even if you have absolutely no idea how this could happen or doubt that it could, be open to finding a solution. Invoking an open state allows help to arrive in ways that can be surprising.
· Be willing to be a little stupid while you wait. In other words, refuse to worry about how inspiration might strike, and ignore anyone who tries to tell you that a solution is impossible. I personally know some people who have done “the impossible,” and there are plenty of people you can read about who have too. Sometimes finding what you need just takes some time.
· Know that the subconscious deals in the language of symbol. Some people find it useful to keep a pad of paper by the bed at night in case they have a dream that seems meaningful, or some interesting idea that might be helpful. You might think you’ll remember it in the morning, but often you won’t if you don’t write it down.
· Be on the lookout, in a relaxed way, for anything you come into contact with in daily life that might apply to your problem. Keeping your intent in mind can do wonders to help you notice things you otherwise wouldn’t—an overheard conversation, an advertisement, a passage from a book that sparks an insight you can use to move forward.
· Holding your intent in mind also helps you to focus on what you want to move toward rather than the thing you don’t want. For most people, this feels a lot better and helps in maintaining openness to possibility. That’s more productive than dogged pessimism that can result when you harp mentally on the problem. That tends to drain people’s energy and creativity in a hurry.
· When you think about reaching a solution, enjoy the vision of how that will be, how it will feel, and what it will enable you to do. This helps to make the end result seem more real and keep you excited about the prospect as you wait.
· It’s also a good idea to share your intent with others you can rely on to be supportive. Those others can then keep an eye out with you, and may become the source of new information and ideas you wouldn’t have come across yourself.
· Avoid sharing your intent with anyone who might not be supportive.
· Take moments throughout the day to be grateful for what is good in your life already, and for solutions you’ve already found that were a big help in reaching a goal or a milestone.
While you don’t have to become a single-minded, obsessed weirdo about this, I do recommend that you bring your intent back to mind several times per day. Otherwise it’s easy to become busy and forget all about it for days or weeks at a time, and then you’re losing all the benefits you might have enjoyed with a bit more focus. And don’t worry if all of this seems a little awkward at first. It may take you some time to become comfortable with the idea of focusing on an intent that might seem unlikely; your mind may tell you that there’s no point, but the mind is not in control of all things. Working with your intent is not a substitute for structure and strategic action, but it can be a real boost to a process you’ve begun to move your life forward. Try it out and see what happens. You just might find that interesting experiences are set in motion in ways you couldn’t have predicted. Structure and intent together form a synergistic whole that you might find to be a new adventure in the pursuit of your ideal.