So Much Happier Blog
Fun for the Whole Family
“A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.”
This week in the U.S., a lot of people will be spending time with family and friends they may not see very often, cooking up a storm in a time-sensitive sprint toward serving up dinner for the Thanksgiving holiday, and eating and drinking way too much. What could go wrong?
Often people feel a lot of pressure around holidays to act as family members expect them to, keeping the peace even though there are old, unresolved tensions underneath the surface that cause everyone a lot of stress. We try to have a good time even if we're not being treated the way we'd like to be in hopes of helping everyone to stay happy, or at least civil. Any perceived deficiencies in the experience can bring into stark relief the gap between what we currently have and what we wish we'd had in the past, as well as between what we'd like and what currently is. It's a triggering time for many people, especially when we add in the extra demands on everyone's time, gift shopping (or making) for those whose holidays include a tradition of giving, a hectic round of parties, financial year-end activities at work, extra traffic on the roads, etc. This time of year can be a real powder keg. Not to scare anyone, but it's the time of year when the most heart attacks occur, probably because of the soup created by boiling all the above reasons in a pressure cooker.
As I wrote last week, there are times when you're going to be busier than normal, and that's ok. The trick is, when you're busy and stressed, you need to be taking countermeasures to keep yourself sane. Believe it or not, there are some fast, free, simple things you can do to maintain your stability (go back and read last week's blog for more on that), but chief among them that I'll recommend this week is good old EFT. If you haven't yet learned the points to Tap on and the basics of how to do it, now's your chance! I know it may seem like a small, unimportant addition to your life when there's so much going on that's bigger, louder, and more dramatic than the call to pour a foundation of calm underneath it all, but this is something that is easy to learn and that can pay off every day of your life once you do. Imagine being able to help all of your body's systems to relax measurably in just a few minutes, and being able to calm uncomfortable emotions quickly as well. Life becomes so much better when your emotions and even how your body feels are not at the mercy of everyone and everything that crosses your path. The power of having a tool this effective that's gentle and always available has been life changing for me and many of my clients. I know it works from deep personal experience, and my mission is to help others to have access to all of these benefits as well. That means I'm going to challenge you to go learn it now. If not now, then when? What are you waiting for?
There are many helpful actions you can take to boost your happiness and your sense of well being, but there aren't many that can deliver on so many levels all at the same time—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritua—-as EFT does. To really "get" this in your bones, to see it in brilliant technicolor, you need to commit to using it consistently until you have an "aha" moment or three. I suggest practicing for a few minutes daily for at least two weeks, which should allow you to start feeling comfortable with the routine and notice some real benefits if you don't right away. Then, when you're confronted by something shocking, insulting, annoying, or whatever, you can disappear for a few minutes and Tap yourself back to feeling more like yourself again.
Family members will often have very different ways of looking at life than you do, and those may not be open to change. Sometimes the best thing you can do is learn to accept your differences, but that's generally not something that can be accomplished with only the conscious mind. When there are old memories and patterns that trip up our experience of the present, those need to be addressed at the level where they're held: In the subconscious mind and the body itself. EFT does an amazing job of helping us to gently access and lighten the load of stored experiences so that we can become more free from the automatic reactions that arise before we're even aware of what's happening. You don't have to agree with everyone you're related to on every subject, but clearing out the causes of your knee-jerk reactions allows you to decide how you will behave instead of running on autopilot when an old, annoying subject comes up. You'll gain skill with EFT over time, but even the most basic routine can really help you to stay calm when you feel triggered and trapped. Give it a try, and I think you'll be surprised at how a little can go a long way.
Festivity and Fatigue
“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”
Now that the Thanksgiving holiday has passed, I’m sure you’ve noticed a ramp-up of epic proportions in the advertising messages coming at you from all directions. A month of wild merchandizing is upon us! For those of us who celebrate religious holidays in the next month or so, some of these may have their utility as we look for a few nice gift ideas; for others, this will be just so much annoying noise and chatter. Even if you are planning on shopping, the sheer volume of the onslaught, both figuratively and literally, is likely beyond what you would prefer. Time to take some compensatory measures!
According to traditional cultures around the world, we in the Northern Hemisphere are entering the season of darkness. This is a time to dream, rest and renew, and envision next year’s harvest in silence before the light returns—and with it, another cycle of increased activity. Our ancestors slept and rested more at this time of year, and our bodies still remember this rhythm despite the dawning of electric light, and now, the reality of constant connectivity. It’s normal to want to slow down now to conserve energy, eat heavier foods to survive the colder months, and in the language of Traditional Chinese Medicine, build yin; yin is the weight and substance that grounds active energy and keeps us from burning out. It’s the physical and energetic reserves we build up over time so that periods of higher activity don’t drain us to the bone. Yet in modern life, taking this time is often seen as silly, unnecessary, or self-indulgent. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
The modern-day mindset teaches us that everything can be solved with the mind, and yet, in my experience, that just isn’t the case. For example, sometimes body issues need to be addressed at the level of the body. No amount of thinking about exercising can produce all of the results of actually exercising. Physiological changes can happen in meditative states, but these are states that bring the mind, body, and spirit into closer cooperation. The mind alone, spinning in isolation, does not create the same traction.
If you are feeling the call to find more quiet, more rest, more time alone, or deeper sleep, know that this is not a failing. It doesn’t make you weak or lazy. It makes you someone who is able to mark the changing of the seasons and experience the gifts inherent in each. Holiday time can be a happy celebration of this darker, slower time of year if we can allow ourselves to be more fully present with our friends and family when we come together. We can choose more relaxing shared activities instead of overscheduling ourselves into oblivion. We can take this time to focus more on the satisfying fullness of time spent on simple things like the preparation and enjoyment of good, healthy meals shared with pleasant company. If we do this consciously, we can enter a new year with a growing sense of enthusiasm for what the new cycle of endeavor will bring, rather than an ever-increasing sense of fatigue and overwhelm.
In the next month, as the advertising blitz reaches its blaring heights, remember that you don’t owe your attention to anything you do not value. Everyone may want your attention right now, but when motives are impersonal and selfish, or irrelevant to you, you need not give it. You can decide what your priorities are, and then focus on those despite the cacophony of distractions. That’s how you end up living your own life rather than being pulled to pieces by competing forces.
Here are a few recommendations for staying on track:
· Actually write out your intentions for the coming weeks. What on your to do list is an expression of something that’s truly important to you? Who do you want to be every day as you go about your life?
· Read these when you get up in the morning and before bed to help you stay focused. Think about any ways in which you could do better tomorrow. Only you get to add something to these lists, and only when the timing is right
· Be selective and practice saying no to activities and events that you know would overschedule you. Actively protect your breathing room. This also sets a good example for everyone around you, showing them that no one dies if you don’t attend absolutely every possible seasonal event, as we all need to create the balance that is healthy for us
· Remember that resting, recharging, and playing are things you have “accomplished,” elements of living that are necessary and good for us. Give yourself credit for including these and bucking the tides of manic activity that can spiral well-intentioned people into exhaustion and irritability
· Keep redirecting your attention to the enjoyment of the moment, the operative word being joy. Find the joy you can give and experience even when times are hectic by connecting authentically with fellow human beings, even in small, passing moments. These connections are often what we most crave, and what make us feel most fulfilled in retrospect
Keep breathing. Keep refocusing on what’s really important to you and who you want to be. You are the captain of your ship, so go ahead and steer it. Don’t waste the opportunities today offers to be who you choose to be.
I wish you joy and fulfillment in the coming weeks no matter what you may or may not celebrate, and no matter where your adventures may take you. I hope you create happy memories and progress toward your intentions no matter how busy your season. Rest, celebrate, give, and have fun!
The Parade Approaches
“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.”
It’s November 1st, and we might as well acknowledge that the holiday season is upon us, love it or hate it! Many of the world’s most prominent religions celebrate important holidays in the course of the next two months, and while this means something different to each of us, there are commonalities. We’re likely to be busier than usual with social engagements. We may travel to be with loved ones at the most traffic-jammed times. We may be planning to host festivities, and be preparing for both fun and lots of unusual tasks and people underfoot. We may be feeling trepidation about spending time with people who we don’t really enjoy. Dreading seeing (or being!) that crazy uncle, or difficult memories from prior years. Most families, and groups of friends, experience plenty of love and fun, and also inevitable complexity. It’s a mixed bag of joy and obligation. Strap in. It’s on!
If you love it, you still need to remind yourself to take time to breathe, rest, and rejuvenate periodically throughout the coming weeks. As the calendar year draws to a close, it’s a natural time to start reflecting on what happened this year and start envisioning what we might like to work toward and experience in the new year. Don’t miss this moment, this opportunity. If there’s no contemplation at this time, you’re more likely to ring in the new year with a scattered, frantic, overstressed desire to turn back to and turn up the volume on your routine and your own personal priorities, and this can escalate into poorly chosen New Year’s resolutions; if we try to legislate ourselves into unrealistic changes, we end up disappointed and demoralized. I think it’s a much better policy to make resolutions throughout the year as needed—when we’re in a calm, centered state and we can choose sustainable plans that support our deepest desires and purpose. But if you must jump on the resolution bandwagon in January, you’ll do a much better job of it if you allowed yourself some room to breathe and reflect in November and December.
In order to really be present and drink in the enjoyment of the moments with loved ones that we’ll be given, that same allowance of breath and self-care is important. If you’re going like a speeding Mack truck for months at a time, running on too little sleep and no personal downtime, you’re more likely to resent what you give to others, and more likely to be a little irritable all throughout. If you’re not getting in a few workouts per week of whatever variety works for you, you won’t feel vital and healthy as you pile on the extra busy-ness. Instead, you’ll end up feeling slower, heavier, and you’ll likely have a harder time managing stress. If you’re not planning healthy meals among the indulgences, you’ll become nutritionally depleted to some extent, which will impact your stamina for the worse. If you’re giving no thought to your internal world, you’re likely to let your own needs go for too long before you tune in and rebalance, and it’s when we’re out of balance that we’re more vulnerable to getting hit with colds or the flu. You can’t party if you’re coughing and sneezing up a storm! To keep yourself in the game, start thinking now about how you can reserve at least some time every week for catching up on your own rest and other physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.
If you tend not to enjoy this time of year, now’s the time to give some thought to why that is. Make sure you’re clear about the factors in play and see if you can proactively address at least some of them in a new way.
· If you tend to overschedule yourself, block out time every week that’s for your relaxation and catching up on things so you don’t have to feel so overwhelmed, and don’t compromise it!
· Build in time doing, watching, or listening to things that make you laugh. This helps in regaining perspective, plus it’s really good for you!
· If you like to give gifts but tend to procrastinate and make yourself miserable, put time on your calendar starting now so you can spread this out over time and enjoy it more.
· If there’s someone you dread seeing, enlist the help of someone else who knows how you feel, and brainstorm about how you might improve the encounter. Ask for help from someone who might be willing to run interference, for instance. Read up on ways to communicate more effectively. Don’t just tell yourself that nothing can be done! You might find ways to make everyone more comfortable so that more good times can be had by all.
· If you tend to feel down at this time of year because of unhappy memories, or the anniversary of a sad event, plan ways to honor how you feel, and again, get help if you need it. There are lots of people who have this kind of experience at this time of year; those people can understand much of what you’re going through. You don’t have to go it alone, and that’s not a healthy thing to try to do. Seek the help of a professional or find a support group or a friend who can listen when you need some caring attention.
· EFT/Tapping can be a great help in getting your true feelings up and out in a productive way, and in restoring your calm as challenges come up. If you haven’t taken the time to learn the basics, now is a great time to do it! Don’t wait until you desperately need it to get comfortable with this simple yet very powerful tool.
Perhaps you’ve noticed I’m suggesting that you work to become conscious of where the pitfalls are, and map a route around or over them rather than just allowing them to take over again this season, whatever they may be for you. Sometimes it takes time to improve your experience, but if you just keep inching forward, it can be done.
There are wonderful opportunities for enjoyment and fulfillment during this season. Take some time before things kick into high gear to look around and remember what tends to go wrong and plan for the things you’d like to go right. Nothing ever goes exactly according to plan, but why not give yourself an advantage and see what happens? Time with family and friends is precious, and it deserves the same kind of care and attention we would give to any important goal or endeavor. When you turn your conscious attention on something and pursue it with clear intent, chances are you will improve it. I’ll be cheering you on! I wish you happiness in all your holiday festivities and solemnities, and I hope that the remainder of 2016 is filled with blessings for you and those you love.