So Much Happier Blog
Mr./Ms. Independence
“Independence is happiness.”
Following Maslowe’s breadcrumbs, we’ve now arrived at the area of needs related to esteem. Now that we’ve taken care of basic physiological needs, safety, and love and belongingness needs, he postulates that we will become interested in seeing our sense of self-worth reflected back to us from the world around us. One of the achievements we long to feel that we’ve earned is independence, which allows us to know our own strength and our ability to stand alone. While few of us prefer to feel that we must remain alone, being confident that we can handle what comes up in life is an important part of feeling like a competent, whole adult. If it seems that we must always be relying on the support of others to make our lives run, the human spirit within has a tendency to resent the lack of freedom—even if it is we ourselves who refuse to do what is necessary to move toward independence.
When we have done the work to feel self-reliant, the confidence that results can form the basis of endless avenues of growth. Being reasonably sure that we can produce results that consistently avoid complete disaster, we become willing to take some risks, learn by doing, take on adventures that challenge our limits. People who have fulfilling lives have usually acclimated themselves to stretching beyond their comfort zones to some extent in following their desires and goals; this helps to keep life interesting by refreshing our perspective and encouraging creativity. Desire and creativity are natural hallmarks of humanity. If harnessed toward worthy goals, they are the most potent fuels we have behind our journey toward self-actualization, the highest level in Maslowe’s concept of personal evolution.
If we lack the confidence in our own competence and ability to rely on ourselves, we will find it very difficult to get anything done. Nothing kills enthusiasm like the conviction that our efforts are doomed before we’ve even started! The enjoyable journey toward something we’d really love to create becomes incredibly arduous, if not impossible, if we think it’s impossible to arrive. If procrastination is something you struggle with, you’ve likely skipped some steps in the process of building your sense of independence. If you take a look at what’s missing, you may find that filling in the gaps is just a matter of giving yourself a break from blame and worst-case scenarios, realizing that you just need some practice, and devising a simple plan to get it. If your confidence in yourself is very low, you may need to start very small and work up incrementally, which is fine. Whatever works to move you forward is worth doing; since it’s natural for us to have desires and use our creativity, feeling stuck in a rut is never going to be enjoyable.
The growth of independence is a natural part of human development, and most of us do gain some before adulthood. Children who are loved, supported, and encouraged by their parents to challenge themselves appropriately throughout childhood will naturally build confidence in their abilities. However, there are some obvious things that can go wrong, for instance: If a parent is overprotective, the child may not be allowed to be challenged enough; if too dominant, the child may not be allowed the space to develop her own judgment and opinions; if not loving and supportive enough, the child may never feel safe enough to accept a challenge and try it on, as the idea of failure can seem disastrous if you don’t have anywhere to land; if too demanding, the child may feel that they have far too much to do already without adding elective risk in pursuit of a personal goal.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, then you may need to imagine a parent for yourself that you didn’t have. What would the most skilled, loving parent advise you to do in order to build your own skills and confidence? When you look back, what do you wish your parents had done (and not done) in helping you to gain independence? Most of us can come up with some answers here without too much difficulty. Chances are, you’ve thought many times in your life when considering your family, “Why couldn’t they have just…” Once you have some ideas, you can use that imaginary parent as inspiration, brainstorm yourself about what you think would help you, or ask a friend you trust to help you come up with a few small steps you could take to get used to taking manageable risks toward something you want.
If you had the overprotective variety of parent, you may need to just practice taking risks at all, of any kind, like asking a stranger for the time, or taking a slightly different route to a familiar destination. If you had the dominant parent, you might want to start writing in a journal about what you think, and what went well each day, as well as what didn’t and what you might do better next time so that you can develop your own voice. If your parent wasn’t loving and supportive enough, then you need to build the habit of being more loving and supportive of yourself, and gather kind and caring people around you so that you can feel that it’s safe to fail here and there, and ok to take time to recover when necessary. If you had a demanding parent, you may need to practice scaling back on busy-ness in order to create space to try some new things, and find ways to combat your judgmental inner voice.
You may also need to find a coach or a cheerleader who will take an interest in your process and share the journey the way the best possible parent for you would have done. It’s also a great idea to get advice from an expert in your area of interest, whether in person or in book or recorded format. This can help shorten your learning curve, which can make this process seem more likely to end in success, and thus, more fun. As you gain experience and understanding, you can become more bold. Keep in mind that most of us grow more quickly and easily by leveraging positive reinforcement—some kind of healthy reward for small victories, whether it’s a bubble bath or a celebratory dinner with those you love. It also helps to share our ups and downs with others in some way. And for many, thinking about ways in which this learning process might help others in the future can make the process more fulfilling.
No matter what childhood you had, chances are you emerged from it feeling like you missed something or other that everyone else seems to have mastered. We often tell ourselves that we’re hopeless, even broken, because of these missing pieces. This is clearly not an approach likely to lead to growth and happiness. If you can isolate an area or two in which your natural development may have been arrested, even small movements forward in those areas can yield significant returns in confidence, because these movements remind us that reaching a distant goal may be possible after all. We need to know that change and growth is possible to feel like we’re really alive. Do yourself the honor of spending just a little time on considering what you need in order to feel more confident and independent, and I think you’ll find that your horizons broaden such that life’s prospect is suddenly much more appealing.