When You Feel Like You're Just Done

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”

— Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Further to my blog from last week, this week I’d like to discuss out how the aftermath of disappointment can bear strong resemblance to grief.  The need to grieve when we lose a loved one may seem self-evident; the idea that losing out on something we’ve hoped and worked for may send us into similar emotional territory may seem like an indulgent overstatement.  Yet, depending on the intensity of our desire and the perceived scarcity of what was lost, the similarities can be striking.

Let’s think for a moment about how the five stages of grief, as conceived by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in On Death and Dying, apply in the case of disappointment.  I’m sure you’ve been through an event that you can think back on to remember how you may have gone through these stages even if it was a relatively quick process, in the case of something less intense.  (Of course, not everyone does go through all five stages in a noticeably, and they can occur in a non-linear or simultaneous way sometimes, but each of the experiences probably seems at least somewhat familiar to you.)

·      Denial:  In this stage, we may say things like, “How is this possible?  How did that even happen?”  We feel shocked, confused, disoriented, and unable to wrap our minds around an event.  We may downright refuse to believe that the apparent result is true because we desperately want it not to be.   We may be overwhelmed by the enormity of the change we will experience if the result is indeed true.  If we don’t move beyond this, we are doomed to remain out of step with the reality that others perceive, and that can create a wide range of problems in daily living and relating to others.

·      Anger:  An activating emotion, anger tends to make us want to do something, anything, to feel less hurt, even if our chosen action isn’t rational or helpful.  We want to lash out, blame others, blame ourselves, and rant about the injustice of it all.  We want to feel that we have the power to steer our own lives when we feel out of control, so we look for something to dominate.  If we don’t find a way to move through this, we become one of those perpetually grumpy people who no one really wants to be around.  We may also seem arrogant in our apparent belief that bad things should never happen to us.  Others, sure, but not us.

·      Bargaining:  We look for someone who seems like they might have power to help and beg them to do something, since our own attempts at control through anger weren’t effective, or we assumed they wouldn’t be.  This is another attempt at regaining a sense of power over our life circumstances; that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it can mean a lot of energy expended in trying desperately to avoid dealing with our very natural feelings of sadness and loss.  If we don’t move out the other side of this pattern, we become chronically tense because of a vigilant need to ignore how we really feel, and we represent to ourselves that we can’t handle our own lives and emotions.  We don’t have to do everything alone, and with appropriate help, most people are capable of regaining balance, even if the idea of trying seems scary.

·      Depression:  Here we come face to face with the reality of our loss and the new normal that now presents itself.  Our grief, sadness, and hurt become more fully apparent.  It’s hard to imagine being happy again, or experiencing better results in the future, because we feel downcast and all out of faith.  We may become afraid of experiencing other losses because it’s so hard to process this one, and/or we have leftover emotions from past experiences that we’ve never processed, and it all groups together and seems to overpower us.  The negative stories we habitually tell ourselves about our patterns and potential may keep us spiraling downward even if, at moments, we’d really like to feel better.  If we don’t resolve this state of affairs, we stay listless and unable to experience joy, and that’s obviously not a great way to live.

·      Acceptance:  At some point, it may become easier to acknowledge the new normal and feel resigned to it.  Even better, it’s possible to come to a new understanding of the richness inherent in the upsetting experience we’ve had, or at least put it into a healthy perspective that allows us to return to a satisfying life.  It takes work to find the strength, resolve, and creativity to make sense of loss, since it can so often seem senseless—I don’t think many people go around claiming that being human is easy!  Without the application of earnest effort, though, it becomes all too easy to become embittered, in which case you’re a consistent downer to yourself and those you interact with.  It’s generally a lot more satisfying to feel like you’re contributing to positive outcomes for yourself and others, so it’s important to keep reminding yourself that you can choose to do that even though life is messy and often difficult.

In case you haven’t read any of my previous blogs, at no point do I mean to say that emotions are to be ignored, “powered through,” or denigrated.  Emotions are absolutely an important part of a healthy relationship with oneself as a functioning person.  They give us immediate and compelling feedback about what’s out of alignment in our lives, as well as what’s wonderful and right.  Moving through emotion means, at least to me, admitting the emotions, finding a way to express them that won’t trample on the rights of others (without acting on them, in other words, at least not at first), and then being willing to allow them to transform so that the energy wrapped up in them can be released back to you.  While this can all happen in numerous ways, including less conscious ones, the most satisfying way I know to do this is with EFT/Tapping.  Its use can be deeply comforting, and provides a framework for clearing out emotional detritus that is not serving you.  You don’t lose the memories and the experience you gained when you let the emotions release and transform, but you do gain a wonderful sense of freedom that I, and my clients, find to be a tremendous relief.

When you find yourself experiencing disappointment, remember that it’s a normal part of being human to go through this sometimes.  Life can be pretty chaotic, and we definitely don’t always get what we hope for.  That doesn’t have to make life futile or uninteresting if you have ways to express how you feel in a healthy manner and are willing to learn tools for creating balance after loss.  There’s no standard timeline for finding equilibrium, so try to be patient with yourself; sometimes you’ll have to go back over the same territory numerous times.  That’s ok too.   Extending care to yourself until you’re able to feel more normal again is worth it, because anything else will erode your quality of life as you fight against yourself.  Hang in there, kid.  Give yourself some time and space, ask for help if you need it, and remember that your enthusiasm has eventually returned after other difficulties and losses.  The human spirit is a resilient thing.