So Much Happier Blog
The Accidental Maze of Meaning
“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”
I've written before about the importance of writing down your goals and periodically checking in on them so you can stay focused and adjust appropriately as conditions change. One of the most important reasons for this need is that the mind is constantly busy interpreting the events of your life, choosing meaning to assign to them in an effort to help you make sense of your world an keep yourself safe by learning from your experiences. However, this doesn't happen in a vacuum—it happens through the filters of all the previous choices it has made, both consciously and unconsciously, about the meaning of past events, and the stories it has evolved using all that assigned meaning using the data available to it. The interpretation is assigned so quickly, and beliefs based on it spring up so seamlessly, that we're generally not even aware that any of this is happening. We don't often feel a sense of involvement in the process, or the power to understand and change any of this, unless we're specifically working at being conscious of it. We certainly don't receive much instruction on it in the course of a standard education. And yet, intervening in this process for our own good is not outside the realm of our power, and in my experience, it's one of the most empowering things we can learn to do.
There are various techniques we can use to become more aware of our beliefs, as well as the interpretations from which they spring. Meditation, for instance, is an effective tool for becoming aware of many areas of your experience once you've built some basic proficiency with it, and decided where to point it. Talking to a friend with great listening skills, or a cognitive therapist if you need a professional, can help you to gain perspective on your beliefs. A skilled hypnotherapist can be a great help in this. Even just deciding that you want to become aware of this stuff and giving yourself some quiet time every day to jot down any realizations that come to mind can accomplish a great deal. My personal favorite method for increasing self-awareness is the use of Tapping techniques/EFT. I love it because it's a relatively simple self-help technique you can use anytime, and it facilitates the rise of understanding that would be slower to acquire through other methods; because it is a somatic technique (meaning it involves the body), it facilitates access to connections that techniques led solely by the mind never can.
When we use EFT, the mechanics of how we've assigned meaning to past events can quickly become clear in startling but cathartic ways. I can't tell you how many times I've found myself, or heard clients saying something like, "Now it all makes sense!" Realizations arise is organic ways we cannot plan, ways that are in appropriate timing for the current capacities of the person doing the Tapping. It's rare that in an hour-long session some doesn't include one of these illuminating moments. From here, we can look at the effects of previous choices and whether or not they currently serve us. We can keep the wisdom that resulted from past events, but make new decisions about what they mean, and what is possible, as well as how me will behave, in the future.
It is entirely possible, and sometimes even necessary, to realize or choose new meaning for a past event in order to move forward with your goals. Some beliefs are so foundational that holding them means you will not be able to get "there" from "here" because you believe you can't or that it's not safe to do so. While the conscious and unconscious self-sabotage that results when this is the case is often incredibly frustrating, it happens because the most primitive parts of the self are so strongly focused on self-preservation, and will use all means necessary to help us stay alive and safe. This is a worthy goal, obviously, but sometimes unconscious attempts at achieving it are misguided and rooted in outdated information.
If you are not regularly reviewing the state of your goals and of yourself in relation to them, how will you notice when you're stuck in a rut of past (many times unconscious) decisions about what's true and what's possible? Life is always changing all around us. There are sometimes conditions that seem to refuse, unnaturally, to change for an extended period of time, but how will you know when they finally do if you're not looking? How will you notice and leverage emerging opportunities if you're assuming the present will always be just like the past? (Hint: You won't!) When you do engage in this process, you notice when you keep coming up against barriers to progress in a specific area. With this awareness, the problem solving can begin, and we can keep track of whether our efforts are working as we continue to check in on progress regularly. While none of this is glamorous, nothing gets done in the long term without some version of this process being in use. The more you commit to doing it regularly and on purpose, the faster and more streamlined your progress can be. If you haven't already, write down some goals, and decide how often and when you will review your progress toward them. You may feel like you don't know what you're doing, but that's ok. You learn as you go, and you're not alone. In today's world, there are so many resources available to help you whenever you get stuck, but you have to start by admitting what you want and being willing to take some action and keep adjusting course to get there.
Red-Letter Days
“The way to stay inspired and motivated is by doing what you like, doing what you love.”
Sometimes, you just have a naturally amazing day. You wake up feeling rested and enthusiastic, the skies are sunny and blue, you make all the green lights without driving like a maniac, people return your smiles, and you have time to get everything done. Everything seems to hum along easily. It’s so lovely when this happens. But for all the days when it doesn’t, how to stay sane? In a crowded world, we cross paths with so many others, all on their own private missions, all the time. Sometimes there are crashes, whether physical or philosophical. We have to deal with numerous institutions, from governments to schools to businesses, that bring order to our world, but which we didn’t create and may not agree with. There are important people whose happiness we’re trying to contribute to every day. And there are just so many distractions competing for our attention!
I’ve come to think of the happy phenomenon described above as the result of the alignment of numerous factors, some of which are hard or impossible to predict. While you can’t force this experience of ease into being, there are certainly things you can do to make this experience more common. If you’re serious about creating more instances of it, here are some areas to check in on:
· With what foods and liquids are you fueling your body? If your nutrition is not good, and if you’re not properly hydrated, you will start to crumble, both physically and mentally. You can’t be productive if you’re crashing throughout the day because your body is missing essential elements that it needs to function. You need high-quality protein, healthy fats, and lots of fruits and vegetables. You also need more water than you think you do.
· How much sleep are you getting, and is it deep and restful? So many important things are meant to happen when you sleep. If you’re consistently getting less than seven hours per night of high-quality sleep, you’re running on empty. You will have a much harder time with mental focus, and you’re far more likely to be emotionally volatile; your body will feel less coordinated and heavier. Some people need more than seven hours, so if you feel the need to sleep late on days off, try bumping up your sleep time routinely and see how many hours it takes per night before you stop needing that “catch up” time. In addition to sleep, we also need some rest time when we’re not running, doing, or worrying. Hobbies and creative pursuits, reading, time with friends, and other fun, relaxing activities can fall into this category. If you don’t allow yourself any of this kind of time, you’ll have a hard time enjoying your life at all.
· How much exercise are you getting? Moving your physical body both strengthens your fitness and creates happiness chemicals known as endorphins (which can enhance mood for many people just as well as the most powerful pharmaceuticals tailored for this purpose). Exercise has so many benefits for your body and your outlook that it must be considered an essential element in your daily routine. Be smart and check with your medical professional before you make any substantial changes in your health regimen, but do find an activity you can do and work it into your life. Not immediately, but with continued application, you will create more energy than you use this way.
· What gives your life meaning and purpose? Are there things that get you out of bed in the morning because you genuinely want to do them on a deep level? These can be anything really as long as you feel like you’ve chosen to give them an important place in your life and they’re important to you—learning to play an instrument whose sound you’ve always loved, caring for an aging relative, writing a book, climbing a mountain, solving a problem in your community—just something that fires you up when you think about it or makes you feel satisfied when you do it. If you don’t have anything like this drawing you forward, you’re leaving a major source of energy and joy on the table.
· What really inspires you? A particular style of music or a particular composer or recording artist? Movies with heroic themes, well-written novels, beautifully performed theatre, Olympic or other professional sports, the beauty of the natural world, your pet, etc.? When you figure out answers to this, do your best to bring these things into your experience on a regular basis. These things will also create more energy and enthusiasm for you.
· What just annoys the heck out of you? And how can you minimize the impact of these things on your life? Maybe you need to be careful not to spend too much time around the more negative people you know. Maybe you need to wear earplugs when you have to be somewhere really loud. Maybe you can brainstorm about how to spend less time commuting. You get my drift. Sometimes small adjustments can yield a lot of relief.
· What are you doing as a calming daily practice for your mind, emotions and spirit? If you want to have more days when you sail through life with joy and ease, you can’t skip this one, even though it can be hard to carve out the time for it. Find one thing or several things that can occupy this function for you, and prioritize doing one of them every day. Write in a journal, meditate, pray, use EFT/Tapping, spend a few minutes every day thinking about what you’re grateful for, walk mindfully, breathe deeply, or do something else that is calming, relaxing, and that helps you to feel centered and reassured. When you’re attending to your own needs, it’s far easier to be generous and understanding with others.
If some of these suggestions seem annoyingly familiar, as though they’ve come directly from the desk of Captain Obvious, that is most likely because these are some of the most important things we can do as humans to increase the likelihood that we will function well and happily as we go about the business of being alive, and they don’t change over time. When you’re handling these basics, you’re helping yourself to have a far better daily experience, and you’re also far more able to contribute positively to the world around you. It’s a life’s work to become a pro at balancing all this, but you’re probably already good at some of them. Pick one where you know you could do better and start trying new things, and then rinse and repeat!