So Much Happier Blog
Surge Forward or Have Patience?
“Every great and deep difficulty bears in itself its own solution. It forces us to change our thinking in order to find it.”
Because we live our lives in a constantly changing landscape of influences, we're always learning about the possibilities that are open to us, and the new ones constantly appearing through the creativity and interactions of the billions of other people who share the planet with us. The flow of ideas through which we move makes it possible for us to be learning things without even realizing it. Our minds are continually synthesizing everything they take in, giving us access to the building blocks with which to come up with our own new ideas. Often we disregard such ideas without even fully vetting them because of old programming left over from the past; this slows down our own progress, as well as the progress of humanity as a whole, by depriving it of your potential contributions, which is why it's a good idea to stop sometimes and take stock of what you really want. You may find that your old goals no longer satisfy. When you really open your mind to what would excite you most to work toward, you may find that it's time to make adjustments.
If you never do this, you may find your energy and enthusiasm tanking without realizing that it's because you're not moving toward anything that feels truly inspiring. For instance, I have a client I recently worked with who had been starting to yearn for a particular change, but hadn't really admitted this to him/herself until we sat down together and there was some dedicated time and space to say, "You know, I think what I really want most right now is this." It turned out to be something quite achievable, and within a week, everything was being arranged in a new way to support the stated goal. This person was relieved and energized, and couldn't wait to do the work of actualizing the new plan. And isn't that where we'd all like to be—enthusiastically meeting life every day and enjoying the tasks we take on?
On the other hand, it's also very possible to be vigilantly on the lookout for new opportunities and feel that they're not showing up, which can be particularly frustrating when we see how quickly everything is changing around us, including for other people we know. My best recent story about this is my own. I had been looking for ways to make a change in a particular area of my life for what felt like way too long without feeling like I was getting anywhere—despite doing everything I could think of that seemed in line with my desires. When a new opportunity finally did arise, I had an epiphany about why the process I'd gone through to get to that point was actually going to end up being important and useful in ways that were previously unforeseen.
Without telling the whole long story here, I'll just say that that the new state of things included a resolution to something old and very thorny that I'm still not finished dismantling, but that will feel like a great accomplishment to me when I am. It wouldn't sound all that splashy to everyone, but I feel like I've gained higher, more satisfying ground and a deeper understanding of the good that can come of something that has been extremely difficult for me for a long time. I see a bigger, and quite expansive, picture now of where this fits in the context of my life, and there were times when it seemed like this story would never make any sense. All this is really to say that sometimes the only thing to do is persist, because the alternative is to lie down and give up. If you do persist, the creative, constantly aware parts of your mind that are always working may eventually reveal patterns to you that you did not see coming at all. The moment when it all coalesces can be a gorgeous, stunning thing that is worth the wait. I'm still not super psyched that this whole thing took as long as it did for me, but feeling like it was all to a purpose makes all the difference in the world.
Sometimes one of the hardest things in life is to know whether you should be surging forward or waiting for opportunities to align. This will always be individual and therefore mysterious, something no one else can dictate to you. But I think finding the balance here involves both making space for awareness by reexamining your circumstances with regularity to find what's true for you in the now, and being willing to persist and have patience when it looks like there's no possible resolution to your problems. Things will keep changing, and eventually, those changes will align to help your cause if you're paying attention and ready to seize the moment.
Where in your life do you think you need to reexamine right now and where do you need to have patience? This is a question to ask yourself often. It can really get the creative parts of your mind activated and working for you. You might want to do this with someone else, taking turns talking through both sides of the question. If you try this and have any useful realizations, I'd love to hear about it in the comments section below. I hope you end up with new realizations that keep you moving ever onward and upward.
The Moment of Truth
“In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.”
The last installment in this series about changing a negative belief has arrived! This week, we'll look at the role of taking new actions in order to solidify your new beliefs. Notice that this is the last step in the process I'm recommending, and that is purposeful; you may also note that it bucks the trend of the most commonly spouted advice about feeling fear and resistance and just "powering through it," "walking it off," and acting anyway. While that can be helpful advice when you've already done your internal preparations and are beginning your foray into the realm of the new, taking it on to the exclusion of doing your internal work can be downright dangerous. If you take such a harsh, dismissive view toward the parts of yourself that are not yet on board with your choices, you are likely to treat others with similar harshness and arrogance. In case you haven't noticed, our world doesn't need a whole lot more of these right now. How about a more responsible approach?
Once you've made progress on your old belief through your mental, emotional, and spiritual attachments to the old, and you're feeling pretty good about what seems possible to you now, it's time to decide on some small actions you can take to affirm all the good work you've done and take steps toward your goals. These should be items you know you can do, even if they challenge you a little. Then, you're going to choose one to do first. Now that you've decided, are you totally comfortable starting it now? Take a moment to imagine that you're about to begin, or even go ahead and pick up the phone or otherwise act like you're going to do it immediately. At this point, you may start to notice resistance, fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts arising. This is actually a good thing, because it clarifies what is likely to trip you up as you work. You can be happier and more productive if you Tap for each of the emotions, sensations, and thought patterns that you've noticed before you really hit those tasks.
If one of your thoughts was, "I can't do it...I'm just not good at this," that probably brings up a bunch of emotions about times when you think you failed in the past as well as fear in the present. First, you might Tap for the fear you feel about taking action. Then, when that's calmer, you might work on past memory that means failure to you, and how you felt about it at the time, as well as how you still feel about it now. Keep doing this until the idea of taking action now is the first step in a learning process. When it feels like everything you think of yourself is riding on the outcome of every little task, you won't keep going if something goes wrong. If, however, you can get to an understanding that even something that seems like a disaster need not stop you indefinitely because it's just another opportunity for learning, then you will be very hard to keep down. That's what I want for you, and Tapping can help you to get there naturally so that your new belief seems logical and stable.
When you take the time to work with your reactions rather than trying to stuff them down and discount their value, you build a calmer life for yourself while continuing to learn about what motivates and what stops you from being your best self every day. You may not be able to completely remove all of your discomfort, but you can gain a lot of relief with Tapping, even if the same things continue to come up as you take action toward your goals and you need daily maintenance for a while. Some new patterns take time and practice to stabilize. While change usually takes longer than we want it to, knowing that you have the power to feel better in just a few minutes of Tapping is empowering. The rest is just rinse and repeat! You have all the basics of how to change outmoded beliefs at your disposal. So now that you're unstoppable, what will you do to wield your powers for good?
Goals? Ugh.
“Joy, rather than happiness, is the goal of life, for joy is the emotion which accompanies our fulfilling our natures as human beings. It is based on the experience of one’s identity as a being of worth and dignity.”
Goals are a tricky thing. While many of us have heard about the importance of having clear goals defined to draw us forward, there are numerous pitfalls that divert us from enthusiasm in this area. The main message of most advice in this area can be summed up by the slogan, “Just do it.” We’re expected to man up, push past misgivings, write out goals, and then place timelines on them and drag ourselves by the hair, come hell or high water, toward the finish line. While I do think that this approach can inspire and work well for a small sample of the population, I think for most it’s either vastly unappealing such that goals are never written, or it’s not detailed or enjoyable enough to work any sort of magic for us over time—and most worthy goals take time to achieve. If the standard two-step idea motivates you, that’s great. Carry on! But if not, below are some things I can offer in order to help you gain access to the benefits of working with goals in supportive ways. We’re not actually going to look at a detailed process for doing that this week, we’re just considering the patterns that get in the way of our entering the process at all.
· Let’s start at the beginning. Goals are supposed to be inspiring, exciting, joyful visions of a future result you’d love to create. It’s easy to lose sight of this basic truth amidst all the “motivational” rhetoric. Thinking about goals this way sounds non-threatening and fun, right? Except…
· We think that if we decide on and/or write down a goal, that’s it. It can’t be modified, and if we don’t get to it inside of the amount of time that we’ve assigned to it, that means we’ve failed and all is lost. This “proves” that we’re never going to have the things we want. We’ve been here before and it feels terrible, especially because…
· We know how hard we are on ourselves in our own minds. Vicious, really. Usually more so than anyone else in our lives, though we doubtless learned some of this from others along the way—we just ran further with it so that no one can say anything to us we haven’t already said to ourselves
· Knowing this, the idea of having an optimistic goal brings up tension and the projected misery we know we’ll experience if anything goes wrong—which it will, because no process is ever perfect! Suddenly this seems like a cycle that’s to be avoided at all costs, because the result is not joyful attainment, but the disturbance of our peace and self-esteem
Sound familiar? And yet, people who do have written goals that they actively engage with daily are more likely to achieve the things they want; if we can just get past some of these unpalatable associations with goals, better progress might be in store. How about some improved conceptual guidelines:
· Let’s rethink. Realistic goals cannot be inflexible. That just doesn’t make any sense. In this chaotic, messy world, nothing ever goes as planned, so how is it logical to think that we can project an exact estimate of any road between where we are and where we want to be? Goals need to be living, breathing plans that we can continually adjust as the process unfolds. The act of changing them needs to be seen as a normal, even enjoyable, part of your interaction with the original idea and the realities of life on Earth. Sometimes, the unexpected will happen. Count on it. When it does, I’m not saying you need to abandon the vision—that’s what makes all the work and adjustment worthwhile—just adjust your concept of the path toward it
· Assigning time deadlines to the overall goal, and the steps you think will get you there, helps in your planning, and can help keep you on track by giving you something to shoot for—but these will always be arbitrary to some degree. What you want to do is choose an amount of time that seems somewhat challenging, but still allows you to feel excited about the project. You can and very well may change it later
· If people around you tend to be judgmental, you don’t have to tell them all the details of what you’re doing and planning. It’s generally best to share the nitty gritty only with those who you know can be trusted to be supportive and helpful
· It’s important to introduce humor into the process where you can. Working toward goals will tend to require some tasks that you don’t find enjoyable, but the whole thing will go much more smoothly if you can lighten the mood when you find yourself struggling. Also, remind yourself that growth and change usually involve growing pains, and that’s normal and ok. But you don’t need to be miserable, and in fact you’ll be a lot less productive and creative if you are. You can take breaks and ask for help, and you should do both as needed
· Many people who have become hugely successful went through a lot before that success arrived. What they did not do is give up on themselves or decide that they were failures when things went awry. Everyone spirals into negative self-talk sometimes, but only you get to decide how you will value yourself. Missing a deadline or goal NEVER has to mean anything permanent about you. While we’re alive, we can still change and learn, and doing these things is some of the most thrilling stuff in life. When necessary, you will take a break, get some perspective and some rest, and then regroup
· You will spend time every day thinking about and consciously enjoying the idea of having what it is that you intend to create. This habit is everything. It supercharges your ability to stay positive and in the game. As soon as you lose the ability to enjoy your vision, your motivation will crumble. This is actually the single most important part of the entire process, because the vast majority of people are most powerfully motivated by pleasure, NOT by pain or avoidance of misery
· You always retain the right to reshape your process or vision based on the experiences you’re having in the pursuit of your goal. You might decide that your original plan doesn’t seem to be the best way forward, or you might need to add steps and more time. You might even decide, once you’ve gotten a taste of progress, that you need to rethink the ultimate goal, because it no longer seems like a good expression of what you want. You remain in the driver’s seat. You’re the decision maker regarding what you want your life to be about. It’s ok to keep tinkering with the vision as you go even if no one else understands what the heck you’re doing. It’s your life! And we don’t always know what will be satisfying until we try it out in practice
I hope you’re starting to see that the point of goals is not to hold yourself to impossibly rigid standards or abuse yourself if all does not go according to plan. The point is to spur you toward a quest for greater achievements, and the experience of greater joy, than you’re likely to just stumble into without clarity and inspiring challenge. Making and working toward them can and should be fun! You can make it so! Let these ideas stew a bit, and next time we’ll consider the details of how to get started with a helpful vision and map out a process.