So Much Happier Blog
Entering the Quiet
“Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.”
While the next month will be a flurry of activity for many of us, I find it helpful to recall that before the advent of modern technology, the darkest, coldest times of the year were considered to be a time for rest, gratitude for the year's harvest, and envisioning plans and desires for the year ahead. Right about now (in the northern hemisphere) we would have been slowing down, spending more time with family and friends, enjoying the fact that fewer hours of daylight meant fewer hours in which to work, and going to bed earlier. The limitations of light and weather meant that the cycle of the year was not negotiable. Working within it meant that people were almost guaranteed to benefit from this slower time of year.
Since we now have the ability to work 24/7 through the wonders of technology, we are beginning to have trouble stopping or even slowing down at all. You now have a choice about when and how to do this, but if you want to be happy and healthy, it must be done. Rest and relaxation are necessary for rejuvenation of body, mind and spirit. Only when rested do we have sustainable access to our greatest creativity and palette of skills, so as you move through the end of this year, make sure you carve out some time for yourself. Plan to do very little for some of it, and also, at some point, take time to review the high points of the year to better see your present life in context, and then think about what you'd like to create in 2018. Your wish list could include achievements, but also progress you'd like to make on character traits or skills that are more incremental. You might yearn to improve a relationship that's important to you. You might want to add new, supportive habits to your routine. Perhaps you'd like to take a trip to a place you've never been, or to see friends and family you've been missing. Whatever it is, now's the time to play with the virtual chess pieces that might be involved in your mind, and begin to imagine the way forward.
What you set into motion now through contemplation and imagination will build in momentum in the new year, but in order to bring your most productive self to bear in your projects, you need to replenish your energy stores and your heart before you start trekking toward them. This is an excellent time to do some high-quality rejuvenation. Don't miss out on it by letting this busy time blow by without making some room for the relaxation and creative time you need for yourself. This time spent in quiet will help you to ring in the new year with anticipation, joy and intention—so much better than with the frazzled confusion that is your alternative!
The Willingness to Leap
“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”
So far we've addressed the mental and emotional areas of changing a negative belief. The next step in the process of changing a belief that I'd like to share is in the spiritual category. Sometimes when you've followed the steps I've outlined in the previous two weeks on addressing the mental and emotional realities underlying your belief, despite all your best efforts, there's a level at which you'll still plateau and feel stuck. I've found through my own experiences with myself and with clients that bringing whatever spiritual beliefs resonate with you into the process can significantly help in dissolving blocks. Specifically, I often find that asking something that feels larger than your own awareness for help can really pave the way for more rapid progress.
It seems to me that what's happening when we allow ourselves to ask for help on a spiritual level is that we are allowing the possibility of benign change that we don't need to control or immediately understand. Being in a state of openness can create a new kind of space in which synergistic progress becomes more likely. If you have a concept of God or other helpful unseen forces that works for you, Tapping while calling upon it can really get things moving. If you're an agnostic or atheist, try asking all the best, smartest parts of you to work together and help you to find new ways forward. Once you express this willingness to be assisted, you may find that whatever blocks have remained start to diminish without your having to do much of anything, and inspiration may strike. Sometimes all you'll feel is increased relaxation, but later, new, helpful ideas will come to you that will show you your next steps.
If you want to try this approach, remember that it's not mental or emotional. It requires only that you relax, breathe, and ask for help in whatever way seems natural for you as you Tap. If nothing seems to be happening as you try this, just calmly reiterate your request as you tap every point and focus on staying in that place of openness. If you do a few rounds this way and don't notice any change, feel free to keep going. You might also find that it feels great to then do a round or two of Tapping while affirming the most positive thing you can say about yourself, such as, "I'm continuing to do good work here, trying new things and sticking with this. I honor myself for my willingness to do what I can to progress." Even if you don't notice much of a difference, keep in mind that sometimes the effects of EFT are delayed—don't worry, and try to just stay in that state of willingness to receive help as you go about your daily routines. Sometimes people note that they thought Tapping didn't work, but then noticed, days later, that all of a sudden everything had changed. Frankly, staying in a relaxed, neutral state is a great thing to practice no matter what you're trying to accomplish; it helps to keep your mind and body in the most resourceful state possible, and it helps you to avoid gratuitous drama that would drain your energy and distract you from what's most important to you.
While asking for help may not seem like a sure winner, it can be quite powerful. At some of the times when I have felt the most stuck, this approach has helped me to get to a new place, even if it took a few days for a new pattern to settle in. It's a great way to start or end an EFT session, so don't forget to give it a try the next time you Tap. You may find that it opens up new perspectives for you in surprising ways.
The Virtues of Lazing Out
“If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.”
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a busy, demanding life. Some have more obligations than others, and just meeting the demands of daily life can take up all one’s time and energy, but it seems like pretty much everyone has a lot to do these days. Maybe this is because even if we’re blessed with leisure time, it’s a small world now that we can see in real time what’s going on oceans away, so we feel called to participate more than ever. Maybe it’s partly peer pressure; if everyone else is running at a breakneck pace, it seems like we should be keeping up. Or maybe it’s just because we have so many options, and trying things, having adventures, is fun. Whatever it is that keeps you busy, you are not a machine. It’s important to find ways to relax and breathe even in the midst of a full daily routine. If you don’t, you’ll burn out, get sick more often, feel less energetic and enthusiastic, and have trouble focusing on being where you are in each moment; your performance and your attitude will spiral downward, and everything will feel more difficult than it needs to.
We’re all familiar with the concept of taking time out of a busy schedule for specifically relaxing activities (or non-activities) like reading for fun, indulging in a hobby, taking a bath, going to the beach, lying around in bed for no reason, getting a massage, finding a beautiful place outside for a picnic, etc. Enjoyable relaxation is good for you in so many ways. It gives your mind a rest, helps your body unwind tension, reassures you that you deserve to feel good, and helps you to reconnect to your best, happiest self. But how often do you actually make time for this kind of thing? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but wishing you were relaxing doesn’t have the same positive effects as actually doing it! Unfortunately, in many cultures, we’re told that wanting downtime, and particularly quiet time by ourselves, is lazy and self-indulgent—even bad, from a spiritual perspective, because when we’re not busy being helpful, we might somehow get ourselves into trouble. If we take these beliefs on, then if we choose to relax, our basic sense of identity, and of our own goodness, may suffer. We’re supposed to measure our success by the volume of what we’ve accomplished, but realistically, we can’t remain productive without renewing ourselves regularly.
It’s also possible, and, I would argue, important, to find ways to bring relaxation into even moments of the highest productivity. I had a teacher in theatre school who used to say that a muscle that is constantly tense is not useful; a muscle needs to be capable of both tensing and relaxing in order to maintain flexibility, which is required for health and proper function. The same principle holds true for our minds and emotions. If there’s always tension in these, we will be less aware, less resourceful, and less able to function at our best. We’ll be more likely to become brittle, which is not useful, rather than remaining creative and able to roll with whatever comes along, which is. In order to avoid becoming stuck in a mire of self-perpetuating stress, we can choose to keep reminding ourselves to bring an attitude of deep calm to everything we do. We can activate an intention to bring a sense of contentment and mental and emotional relaxation with us wherever we go. We can work to manage our thoughts and emotions so that they are not always spinning and grinding away at our inner peace.
I’m not going to pretend that this is easy. Most of us have not been taught how to do it efficiently, nor given the tools we need when we feel like we’ve gotten ourselves backed into a corner. Even when you’ve spent significant time on learning techniques for success in dropping unnecessary tension and remaining present, life will likely continue to challenge you such that this work remains a life-long pursuit. For some ideas on how to maximize your mental and emotional game, you might want to check out previous blogs of mine. That work is essential—and so is building sources of refreshment, relaxation and joy into your life. The human experience is already plenty difficult, and if art and written records throughout recorded history tell us anything, it’s that this is a constant. If you want to feel flexible and truly alive every day, you’ll need to break up that difficulty with steady doses of enjoyment and renewal. You know best what activities leave you with a burst of joy, energy, and enthusiasm about the future. Make sure you find a place for these in your routine to support your best possible life.
Just This
“ In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.”
Many cultures have historically celebrated, in some way, the winter solstice, which marks the return of the light—in other words, the lengthening of days after the longest night of the year. The darkest time is now past, and we are once again looking forward to longer, warmer days and the fruition of seeds that are only being dreamed now, until they can be planted in the spring. And yet, there’s not much to do now. It’s still dark and cold, and we feel like hibernating, especially if the fall season was busy and social.
Now may be a good time to remember that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. It’s appropriate sometimes to relax and enjoy the comforts of home, family, and the appreciation of what the passing year’s harvest has brought. In today’s harried world, it’s easy to think that taking downtime is lazy or selfish, but what if this is an important time to bond with those who are closest in your life so that in busier times, you’ll have great memories and the confidence that these people are on your side? Playing games, telling stories around a fire, and catching up on rest are traditional things to do at this time of year, and they help us build resilience for later.
There’s one more week of holiday social activity before us, and then with the passing of the old year and the advent of the new, we all begin to break off again to envision and work toward our own ideas. The new year brings with it a sense of possibility and fresh starts, and many people experience a resurgence of motivation and zestfulness about what is possible. Don’t miss this final week of celebratory enjoyment! It’s important for maintaining your morale to take breaks from your normal stressors and appreciate natural rhythms and the good people around you.
New ideas, projects, and stimulation will be along soon enough. This week, have fun, sleep deeply, appreciate the love you have now and have experienced throughout your life, and acknowledge yourself for all the good work you’ve done this year. There will always be more to do and experience, but let your actions flow from joy and enthusiasm in right timing. Right now, and always, without doing anything, you are enough.
Festivity and Fatigue
“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”
Now that the Thanksgiving holiday has passed, I’m sure you’ve noticed a ramp-up of epic proportions in the advertising messages coming at you from all directions. A month of wild merchandizing is upon us! For those of us who celebrate religious holidays in the next month or so, some of these may have their utility as we look for a few nice gift ideas; for others, this will be just so much annoying noise and chatter. Even if you are planning on shopping, the sheer volume of the onslaught, both figuratively and literally, is likely beyond what you would prefer. Time to take some compensatory measures!
According to traditional cultures around the world, we in the Northern Hemisphere are entering the season of darkness. This is a time to dream, rest and renew, and envision next year’s harvest in silence before the light returns—and with it, another cycle of increased activity. Our ancestors slept and rested more at this time of year, and our bodies still remember this rhythm despite the dawning of electric light, and now, the reality of constant connectivity. It’s normal to want to slow down now to conserve energy, eat heavier foods to survive the colder months, and in the language of Traditional Chinese Medicine, build yin; yin is the weight and substance that grounds active energy and keeps us from burning out. It’s the physical and energetic reserves we build up over time so that periods of higher activity don’t drain us to the bone. Yet in modern life, taking this time is often seen as silly, unnecessary, or self-indulgent. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
The modern-day mindset teaches us that everything can be solved with the mind, and yet, in my experience, that just isn’t the case. For example, sometimes body issues need to be addressed at the level of the body. No amount of thinking about exercising can produce all of the results of actually exercising. Physiological changes can happen in meditative states, but these are states that bring the mind, body, and spirit into closer cooperation. The mind alone, spinning in isolation, does not create the same traction.
If you are feeling the call to find more quiet, more rest, more time alone, or deeper sleep, know that this is not a failing. It doesn’t make you weak or lazy. It makes you someone who is able to mark the changing of the seasons and experience the gifts inherent in each. Holiday time can be a happy celebration of this darker, slower time of year if we can allow ourselves to be more fully present with our friends and family when we come together. We can choose more relaxing shared activities instead of overscheduling ourselves into oblivion. We can take this time to focus more on the satisfying fullness of time spent on simple things like the preparation and enjoyment of good, healthy meals shared with pleasant company. If we do this consciously, we can enter a new year with a growing sense of enthusiasm for what the new cycle of endeavor will bring, rather than an ever-increasing sense of fatigue and overwhelm.
In the next month, as the advertising blitz reaches its blaring heights, remember that you don’t owe your attention to anything you do not value. Everyone may want your attention right now, but when motives are impersonal and selfish, or irrelevant to you, you need not give it. You can decide what your priorities are, and then focus on those despite the cacophony of distractions. That’s how you end up living your own life rather than being pulled to pieces by competing forces.
Here are a few recommendations for staying on track:
· Actually write out your intentions for the coming weeks. What on your to do list is an expression of something that’s truly important to you? Who do you want to be every day as you go about your life?
· Read these when you get up in the morning and before bed to help you stay focused. Think about any ways in which you could do better tomorrow. Only you get to add something to these lists, and only when the timing is right
· Be selective and practice saying no to activities and events that you know would overschedule you. Actively protect your breathing room. This also sets a good example for everyone around you, showing them that no one dies if you don’t attend absolutely every possible seasonal event, as we all need to create the balance that is healthy for us
· Remember that resting, recharging, and playing are things you have “accomplished,” elements of living that are necessary and good for us. Give yourself credit for including these and bucking the tides of manic activity that can spiral well-intentioned people into exhaustion and irritability
· Keep redirecting your attention to the enjoyment of the moment, the operative word being joy. Find the joy you can give and experience even when times are hectic by connecting authentically with fellow human beings, even in small, passing moments. These connections are often what we most crave, and what make us feel most fulfilled in retrospect
Keep breathing. Keep refocusing on what’s really important to you and who you want to be. You are the captain of your ship, so go ahead and steer it. Don’t waste the opportunities today offers to be who you choose to be.
I wish you joy and fulfillment in the coming weeks no matter what you may or may not celebrate, and no matter where your adventures may take you. I hope you create happy memories and progress toward your intentions no matter how busy your season. Rest, celebrate, give, and have fun!
Yes to Summer
“If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.”
Temperatures are rising in this northern hemisphere that I call home as we near the official beginning of summer. A sun so insistently hot calls us to take things a little more slowly, hang loose a little more often, enjoy the simple pleasures of wearing bathing suits and sandals and eating outdoors. For many of us, this wakes up the awareness of our physicality and brings us further into the immediacy of the moment. We find it easier to remember to play, maybe because of the associations with summer vacations past, or maybe just because there’s so much to enjoy in this season of lazy, easy sociability. It’s harder to be in a bad mood when there’s so much sunlight and your neighbors are kicking up their heels.
All throughout the cooler, darker months we’ve been working hard and likely resting more. When nights are long, there’s a pull to go inward, hibernate and rest up in anticipation of higher-energy months. Now it’s finally time to balance work with enjoyment and celebrate what we’ve created in the dark. It may now feel more like time to share what we’ve been working on as we continue to move it forward. Sometimes it’s hard to strike the right balance here—there’s still a lot to do (isn’t there always?) and we want to get to the goal. It can be hard to allow what’s going on around us to pull us away from responsibility and discipline. But if we don’t take the time to be a part of the rites of summer, we’ll be disappointed later that we missed out on this sensual season.
If you’re the type who has trouble getting motivated, know that even those who have cracked the code on productivity need to balance out effort with social events and activities that recharge their enthusiasm for life. I’m not suggesting that you use summer as an excuse to get nothing done for months at a time, but staying in the game over time and living your passion require taking breaks. The willingness to partake of the joys on offer in every season will connect you with the life that is unfolding all around you. It helps you to participate zestfully in the passage of time rather than resist it and bemoan time’s scarcity. It helps you to share unique moments with others that you could never have predicted.
I encourage you to let in the sun during these months. You know that feeling of baking for hours on the beach, and how the sun’s rays warm you deep into your skin? How that plus the timeless rhythm of the surf drowns out some of the thoughts and concerns you might have on a routine day? Go out there and find ways to revel in some summer lounging, indulgence in a guilty pleasure of a novel, or other indolence as long as it’s relaxing. Feel free to also enjoy outdoor activities as long as there’s playfulness involved. Splurge on summer fruits that have a short season. Drink lemonade. Nap in hammocks with the sound of wind chimes tinkling in your ears. And give yourself credit for all that you do for yourself and your family and the world on all the days when you’re not indulging like this. Motivation is wonderful. Contentment is good for us too.