So Much Happier Blog
Jumping Off the Hamster Wheel
“To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.”
If you've been reading my blogs for a while, you know that I'm all about helping you find ways to dial down stress. This week, we'll look at the importance of making choices that are right for you despite the lure of endless possibilities. Living in a world with 24/7 access to electric lights and incessant information means that we know there's always something we could be doing. That can be overwhelming, and some people feel this as a constant. Combine that feeling with the Puritanical ideals of our country's European settlers, which became a part of the fabric of our collective philosophy, and you have a culture-wide tendency to believe that if we can be doing something, then we must. Anything else makes us lazy, selfish, and useless. This is a recipe for anxiety; it will erode your happiness and physical health more insidiously than almost anything else you can experience. No one wants that, but how do you halt this cycle when so many options and imperatives are always staring you in the face?
First, let me acknowledge that this is difficult. Options, information, and entertainment are fun to play with, and therefore hard to put down at the best of times. Also, if you believe that opportunity is obligation, then your self-image will suffer when you take time away from attending to the constant requests of people and advertisers that will assail you throughout your waking hours, never mind the things you'd like to be doing to address your own priorities. Then there are any frantic mental habits you inherited from family and others before you were old enough to notice. This constant stimulation gets your mind into the habit of racing, and then it takes serious effort to retrain it to allow some empty space and relaxation to permeate.
When there's an abundance of anything, whether information or food or opportunity, maintaining health and balance requires that we learn to set boundaries. We need some hard stops that will carve out appropriate time for sleep, exercise, healthy eating, and leisure. Those can be planned and tinkered with until they seem optimal in the grand scheme of your life, your needs and your desires. The trickier boundaries to set and police are those that will keep you functioning well when unexpected circumstances arise. These you need to brainstorm on the fly. Learning to do this well is a constantly evolving effort, since we change throughout life, and in small ways each day. It's more art than science, and only you can really know how well it's working for you at any given time. If you're constantly exhausted, resentful, or frustrated, it's not! So where does one start when it's clear that better boundaries are necessary?
There's a concept in Qi Gong, a Chinese healing art, that one should never do anything to more than 70 percent of one's capacity. Reserving 30 percent at all times means that there's leftover energy at the end of the day. You're not collapsing into sleep desperate for regeneration without which you cannot function; instead, you just need small adjustments to keep you in balance, and your sleep can regenerate you more deeply on all levels as well as build yin—energy reserves and power. Then, when you go through any periods of high activity, you can get through them in better shape. You'll have to rebuild your yin later to replace the overage you've used, but you are not a mess if you have to overextend yourself somewhat. If you encounter a health challenge when you're in the habit of reserving your 30 percent, you'll be able to bounce back from it more easily, and that's obviously very important to your quality of life.
Some other keys for learning to set appropriate boundaries:
- Write out and read daily two lists: Your goals and your highest values. Both help you to work out your long-term plans, and to make those on-the-fly decisions about when to say yes and when to pass. These decisions are subjective. If you don't have a strong commitment to your plans and values, you'll flounder more than is necessary when faced with a choice.
- Remember that no one can do everything that sounds interesting in any given lifetime. Focus on doing the things that seem most right for your interests and abilities (while remaining creative about workarounds and breakthroughs where you identify limits). Revel in how these things are yours, and make you unique and wonderful!
- Just because someone wants something from you doesn't mean you need to say yes to the request. If you're afraid of what will happen if you say no, you may need to work on your communication skills, your list of priorities, or your self-esteem. This last one is a long-term project in most cases, but every day is a good day to start. In order to set appropriate boundaries, you have to see your own life as valuable, just as much as everyone else's. If you're not sure what to do here, get help from a book, class, or specialist.
- Start to watch for beliefs that keep you stuck and challenge them. This takes some doing, but once you decide to notice your thoughts, you'll begin to become aware of them--whenever you feel frustrated or irritable, that's a great time to ask yourself what you were just thinking. Very often those thoughts will comprise some destructive beliefs that are sabotaging you. The stories we tell ourselves, when they're fatalistic (suggesting we are powerless to change our conditions) or negative in ways that trigger and prolong old, outdated patterns, have a huge effect on what's possible for us. Once you know your patterns, you can work on untying those old knots and freeing up powerful stores of energy for whatever you choose. I'll write more about what to do to change old beliefs in the future (and you can bet it will include using some EFT!) but the first step is noticing what's happening and being aware of what you'd like to change.
You will be most successful, and most able to help others, when you know how to live in balance. It's no good to anyone if you're chronically exhausted or overwhelmed and cranky. When you prioritize your own health, you are a living example of principles that can help everyone around you. No one else can do this for you, because no one else has first-hand knowledge of what you need. A willingness to set appropriate boundaries is an essential step in fostering your balance, happiness, and ability to be the best of yourself every day.
The Upward Path
“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.”
Among the needs that humans have in the esteem category is the need to feel our own capacity, in other words our ability to handle life as its events wash over us. We all long to feel that we are enough. In fact, in my work with clients, I often find that most of us have a deep-seated horror of not being enough that keeps us in a lack mentality, which in turn continually stimulates the body’s stress response. Numerous factors can feed this vicious cycle, including the amped-up messages we receive daily in many modern cultures that no one is ever enough, that we must all be striving to be the best at all things all the time—which of course is a losing battle, because no one person ever could be. In the end, no one else can decide for you that you are enough. You must simply decide yourself that you are. Maslowe identified several ways in which we seek satisfaction in the process of making this decision, some of which we’ve already covered, some of which we address this week, and some of which we’ll look at next week. Since the highest rung on the ladder of capacity that can be achieved through learning and practice is generally known as mastery, that is where we will set our sights today. This is within the reach of most of us, and a worthy goal to strive for.
One can be a master of information, or of practice, or of both. Someone can have expert-level understanding of a subject matter area, yet be unable to produce results in that area. That person is still a master of intellectual knowledge, and that can be incredibly useful if applied in some way or passed on to others who can apply it. Someone else can be a master of doing something with a high degree of excellence, but be unable to explain it, and lack the benefits that come with studying widely on the subject. He may have focused on results only, and sought only the coaching and information that was absolutely necessary to keep moving forward. This too can be extremely useful, as this kind of mastery leaves a trail that others can analyze and duplicate, and again pass on to others. The master who is most revered, though, is often the one who both understands a subject deeply and can demonstrate that knowledge through action and the creation of exceptional outcomes. This person is often widely influential. She is likely to receive feedback from others to that effect, which helps her to feel significant—but that’s next week’s topic! I’m getting ahead of myself.
Thoreau famously claimed, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” and I think most of us know all too well what he was getting at. Many people fail to find ways to live with purpose, verve, and the feelings of self-esteem we’re addressing here. So if we all desire feelings of competence, and building mastery in any area is helpful in producing those feelings, why don’t more of us commit to striving for mastery? Well, how about: Life is not easy, first of all. Second, if we are not stubbornly purposeful about setting a course and continually working to stay on it, it’s so darned easy to be distracted by what others want for us, by the demands of others, by pain, by pleasure, by loud noises, and heck, by shiny objects! You name it, we’re curious about it. And that’s fine. That’s all part of life. But if we don’t allow ourselves to apply our innate abilities to the pursuit of mastery, we miss out on one of the grander adventures it’s possible to have on this planet.
The process of blossoming into mastery is one filled with drama. I remember years ago hearing Marianne Williamson make the distinction between the “cheap drama” that prevails when you’re living a petty, childish, self-absorbed life, and the worthy drama that remains part of your experience when you’ve grown into a more authentic, mature person. (I’m paraphrasing from memory here, so apologies to Ms. Williamson if something is lost in my translation.) I loved this concept, and I think this applies to growing into mastery as well. Truly mastering nearly anything requires treading a long road that includes difficulty and constant effort and change. It includes learning from others who are available to you, even when you know they’re not the best teachers or you don’t love their personalities. It also includes the necessity of eventually throwing off the strictures of what has been done before, just as a teenager must assert personal independence through acts of rebellion (on whatever scale) in order to become an adult. There will be times when you have support and help, and others when you don’t; portions of the road will inevitably be lonely and dark. At times your prospects will seem hopeless as you hit barriers that seem final. You will lose things along the way, which is part of the price of the journey. You will gain many others, including successes and personal strengths that can’t be taken from you. The empowerment that results from reaching the mountaintop at the end of the road is one of life’s peak experiences (another concept originated by Maslowe, by the way—what a guy). If you ask anyone who you consider to be a master of a subject or a skill set, I think you’ll find that his or her story of the path that lead to mastery was full of ups and downs, and expressed the truly meaningful drama inherent in striving for excellence through exhilarating highs and frightening lows.
While some of this may sound pretty good, the hard parts are no joke. Most of us are never taught the skills that make up the strength known as discipline. Most of us are petrified of discomfort, for instance, and are never given strategies for dealing with it in a healthy manner so that we can keep moving toward our mountaintop. Most of us lack basic knowledge about maintaining the health and balance of the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Many of us were never shown the basics of organization, which is necessary for keeping everything together through a long and taxing effort. Many of us were not instructed in the development of focus and techniques on restoring it when it has evaporated. You can expect more on these topics in blogs up ahead. But those who are keenly aware that they are missing essential pieces in these areas will lack the confidence to take on a process that can be as grueling as the effort toward mastery.
For those who do venture out onto the path, and who persevere through all the strangeness they encounter, life becomes far fuller and richer. Whatever they are able to achieve is far more than they had before, and more than those who never try will ever have. Now, I believe all human life has value, and that we need not be on a path toward mastery in order to be worthy. We still have the power to decide for ourselves that we are worthy for any reason or no reason at all, and in fact I recommend it! Doing so tends to immediately make life feel better, and that tends to enliven our energy and creativity, which in my world is pretty much always a good thing. But if we are able, why not try to wring the most juice out of life that we can? Feeling that we are competent, that we have done good things, and that we can do more is a major component of building self-esteem. Why not reach for something grand and see how far we can climb?
It’s worthy of mention that yet higher than mastery is the realm of genius, but that is reached only when mastery is combined with natural talent to yield the astonishing feats of someone at the pinnacle of his or her area of endeavor. Therefore, as you consider what to master, I highly recommend choosing something that ignites your curiosity with the flame of passion. When you love a subject, learning is a joy, even a happy compulsion. It will be a lot easier to keep going if you always have that flame keeping you lit from within. It will also attract others with its brilliance and power, which can open up opportunities as you reach milestones and require new resources. Now, off you go! If you’re not yet on the path to mastery, dig deep for ideas about where you can place your target. The pace and the goal are entirely up to you, and your business only. What mountain do you want to scale? What's a tiny step you can take to begin?
*I was influenced in this post by some of the resources listed here, including a great book called Mastery.
Ever a New Summit
“Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”
Another among the esteem needs that Maslowe wrote about is a sense of achievement. This is an important factor in our conviction of self-worth, both because human beings are built with a natural drive toward creativity they long to satisfy, and because most cultures revere those who have achieved unique and groundbreaking results. It’s worth periodically looking at how you’re feeling about what you’ve achieved in the course of your life so that you can address your innate desire for a sense of achievement; doing this helps to show the way toward keeping your self-esteem at healthy levels.
So what is achievement? Dictionary.com defines it as, “Something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort, great courage, etc.; a great or heroic deed.” So this is no walk in the park—it needs to be an accomplishment that required unusual innate qualities, or strife, or both. And who decides what it should be and when the criteria for accomplishment have been met? In the context of a discussion about self-esteem, only you decide what an achievement is and when you’ve attained it. Others will have opinions about what you’ve done, and that will most likely impact your self-assessment to some degree, which we’ll discuss in later blogs in this category. But no one can ultimately decide for you when to be satisfied with your own performance. That is your responsibility, and the process of deciding shapes both your life and your opinion of yourself. This is where clearly defined goals can be useful. If you have taken some time to think through what you want to the best of your current abilities, it’s far easier to direct yourself along the path to the finish, and to be certain about when you’ve arrived. If you haven’t clarified your goals, you are far more likely to encounter confusion about where to go, what to do, and when you’ve accomplished something about which you can feel satisfied.
Here are a few other factors that will impact how you feel about your accomplishments:
· Was the goal something you really wanted to pursue?
Most likely you’ve had the experience of having put considerable time and effort behind something that didn’t bring you the satisfaction you originally expected when you finally achieved it. This can happen for numerous reasons, such as:
o It was never really expressive of you. Someone else wanted this for you, and you went along, either to make them happy, or because you thought it was a good idea, but you never noticed that your own passion was never truly engaged.
o Somewhere along the way it would have been appropriate to adjust the goal, but you refused to do so for whatever reason. People do and must grow and change. It’s normal to realize once you’re in the middle of an effort that your expectations or process need to adjust in order to keep pace with what’s true for you. A goal is meant to draw you forward, not lock you rigidly in place.
o Your goal was not worthy of all the time and effort you poured into it. If you spent years on a complicated revenge scheme, you might eventually achieve it. However, if you felt satisfaction at the result, there would also be shame mixed in; you would know that your achievement spoke of your own unresolved pain and pettiness. If you had, instead, taken steps to express your pain, forgive over time, and protect others from injustice, you would likely have felt satisfaction that was clean and clear of internal conflict.
· Was the process enjoyable?
o If the process of getting to your goal was not enjoyable, you may have forgotten to build fun into your process. Sometimes we think that only through suffering can we create results that are glorious. While it’s true that the application of discipline required to achieve things that fit the dictionary definition of achievement will probably result in some discomfort, it’s also important to be able to enjoy your life during the times that you’re waiting for the gratification at the end of your road. All of it is your life, not just the occasional end point of an extended effort.
o If you hated every minute of working toward the goal, once you achieve it you are most likely exhausted, depleted, and in the habit of being in a bad mood. You may also have convinced yourself that this is the only way anyone gets anything done, and that life is grim and difficult (if you didn’t already believe these things before).
o Was someone else trying to control you throughout the process? If so, you’ll end up with a strong flavor of resentment about the whole experience, even if you like the end result.
· Does your goal result in a satisfactory change in your life?
o If you thought that your achievement would result in a harvest that didn’t appear, you’re likely to feel frustrated even if you feel great about what you did. Sometimes we follow in others’ footsteps and expect to have the same experiences, which doesn’t always happen. Sometimes we pin our fantasies to our goals, such as fame and unreasonable fortune, and are surprised when the fantasy elements aren’t a part of the achievement.
o If your goal did result in the expected harvest, it’s still possible that you didn’t end up feeling the way you thought you would about it. We have a tendency to expect external achievements alone to change how we feel about life and about ourselves, but this discounts the inner game that we must also play in order to feel good about life. As the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.” You can’t outrun your own negative emotional and thought patterns. No achievement will absolve you of the need to do the inner work that is uniquely yours.
No matter how satisfied you are with an achievement, you will find that, as soon as it’s yours, you want something else! This is a normal part of life as a human being. We are creative, evolution-oriented beings who crave experience. This is why it’s best to avoid seeing any goal as the solution to all things in your life and focus on more on a sense of enjoyment of the process—otherwise you’re missing out on the vast collection of moments that make up the majority of your existence. People who look back at their lives in old age often regret that they were not more engaged in all the small and less significant moments of life, and that they did not take every opportunity to be present to the love and enjoyment that was available in every one of them. It’s all important. But if you feel unhappy about what you’ve achieved in life when you take all of it into consideration, I hope you’ll take the time to consider deeply what it is that you most want, and begin to chart a course toward it. Working toward goals that feel great and significant is a basic human desire; if you want to live a life that feels whole, you must not neglect this. And try to do it with zest for maximum enjoyment!