So Much Happier Blog
Making Peace with Mistakes
“A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.”
Hate making mistakes? Hard on yourself for every little thing you drop, forget, or struggle with? Well, join the club! Despite the fact that making mistakes is an inevitable part of the human condition, prevailing cultures often tell us in a variety of ways that they are unacceptable (as are we when we make them). Right from when we’re born, we may get yelled at or disciplined by overwhelmed, sleep-deprived parents for crying, which is our only method of communicating at this point. Or for any behavior that’s difficult for the parent to handle, even if it’s totally normal. In school, we may get in trouble for mistakes, as well as any non-conformist behavior. Anyone outside our family may have very different expectations of children, and make nasty comments or give us the stink eye in an attempt to dominate and control us when they see us as unruly. Parents struggling to make ends meet may communicate in many small ways that the stakes are high across the board, and the family can’t afford to make any missteps. Even if adults think their actions reflect valid concerns, and are intended for our own good, we get the message over and over that stepping out of line is a mistake—and making mistakes puts us in danger by removing the good will of those who feed and protect us. This perceived danger can feel terrifyingly real.
The obvious fly in the ointment is that no one can avoid making mistakes—it’s just not possible! Setting up expectations of perfection creates an awful, impossible standard. When we’re too young to think for ourselves, we blindly take on this expectation of ourselves as it’s fed to us. This sets up a poisonous relationship with our self-image that festers in the subconscious, where this tension remains as an invisible, unconsidered habit. The consequences to our happiness and success can be devastating until we are able to consciously see this dichotomy for what it is, and decide to reject it. We then have to do the hard work of unmaking the old habit and forging new ones.
Unfortunately, though, we aren’t likely to get a whole lot of support in this. Most people have been taught patterns of self-shaming, which makes them unsympathetic to anyone who is trying to break free. Considered or not, their reaction may be, “Everyone tries to make me feel bad about myself. Why should you get off scot free? You think you’re so much better than I am?” Some people will try to shame us for their own ends, as a way to grab power and manipulate us. From a practical standpoint, this actually isn’t surprising—it’s one of the most effective tactics out there for those unscrupulous enough to use it deliberately. It’s also what they’ve been taught to do through observation of others. If you want to break the old habit of reflexive self-shaming, you’ll need to be willing to stand up to a firestorm of resistance from yourself and others, all of which may tempt you to think you’re a bad person because you’re not perfect. But you never have been and never will be perfect while you’re alive, because again, this is what it is to be human. “Perfection” is impossible, and while we’re at it, thoroughly subjective! You know, just in case this isn’t all confusing enough.
In the process of working through your tendency to be reflexively, immediately horrified and deeply frightened by making a mistake, you will be confronting a depth of feeling that is uncomfortable to say the least. To get yourself through this process, I recommend that you do a lot of Tapping! Whenever you make even a small mistake, let yourself notice how you feel instead of trying to ignore it, and Tap down the worst of your upset. When you do this repeatedly, the idea that you don’t have to be perfect to be good and to deserve happiness will start to sound more true, more normal. Yes, plan to atone for ways in which your mistakes have affected others, but know that this too becomes easier when you Tap. When you’re not being crushed under the weight of your own emotions, it’s possible to empathize with someone else even when you’re the one causing them difficulty. It becomes less tempting for you to remain defensive. You may create a greater capacity for compassion and listening, and more willingness to stop trying to hold others in your life to impossible standards as well. Note that as always, if you get hung up at any point, you may want to find instruction to get beyond a plateau, or consult a professional if you need assistance with anything traumatic.
Beyond improving your tendency toward overreaction, and despite the fact that this may seem out of reach at the moment, you may also find that you can come to value some opportunities that mistakes may afford, such as:
This drives parents nuts, but some things we only truly learn through experience. Sometimes you can dole out advice you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do anyone any good! People may need to see a situation play out in real time with an emotional punch to understand what it all means. Some things will only sink in on a deep level when we make a mistake. Then, we’ll never forget the lesson because it was so vivid.
Sometimes creative ideas come to us in the process of trial and error. By getting into the game even when we’re nowhere near perfection, we start up an engine of feedback that can spark all manner of new perspectives and surprising solutions that we would not have produced through thought experiments alone
Through mistakes, we can learn humility by being reminded of our imperfections and the validity of others’ viewpoints. We sometimes need to be slowed down and shaken out of our ruts in order to see and absorb the wisdom of them.
Despite a learned tendency to be hard on yourself, you can learn to accept your imperfection and find peace with human errors. Maybe you’ve never credited all the ways in which mistakes have saved you from experiencing far worse things because of past experience. Take a moment now and think about this: In what ways have you learned from your mistakes throughout your life, what have they saved you from, and how can you remember to appreciate what you’ve learned? By changing the stories you tell to include this appreciation, you can build the habit of seeing mistakes as broadening experiences that may hold greater blessings than you would ever have thought in the first flush of realization. When you’re less afraid of your own harsh judgment, you’re less afraid of a messy existence in which you can try, fail, learn, and succeed—then rinse and repeat.
Stalking the Wild Motivation
“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal—a commitment to excellence —that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”
Motivation is a tricky animal. Just the concept of it tends to conjure up feelings of overwhelm, fatigue, and sometimes even shame as we remember the times we've tried to whip ourselves into shape in the name of it; many of us have been taught that motivation means harshness, activating our inner drill sergeant to yell repeatedly at us that life is not yet the way we want it, and we don't measure up, so we better get up and march. We think we need to hold on tight to disappointment, self-recrimination, and the knowledge of just how far we are from our goals—otherwise, we'll be lazy, useless people. Right?
Wrong. This is the best wisdom we've come up with over the course of thousands of years of hierarchical thinking and a habitual, homicidal imbalance between masculine- and feminine-energy processing. While this is not the worst effect of this long-term imbalance (not by a long shot), it is definitely counterproductive. It's not that there's no place for the inner drill sergeant, but over-reliance on it to the exclusion of other approaches to motivation will leave you exhausted and dispirited. It will also feed a vicious cycle in which you think the problem is hopelessly you: You're not good enough, you're not capable, you're just lazy, and on and on.
Most people are actually far more motivated by positive feedback than by blame and negativity. Think about it—during the times in your life when you felt most fired up, energized, and active in the pursuit of a goal, was it because others were constantly berating and insulting you, or was it because things were going pretty well already and you felt a charge of optimism and excitement about a positive vision? If you're like most people, the answer is option two.
Natural motivation bubbles up from a wellspring of creativity and optimistic desire within. If you want to nurture it and foster its long-term health, look to divert anything that will disrupt its otherwise perpetual motion: Memories of past difficulties and the negative beliefs about yourself you've formed as a result; others' careless comments or active sniping at your goals that tempt you into destructive cynicism; bad habits that steal your physical vitality; the overwhelming noise and distraction of a busy world. We've examined all of these in previous blogs, so you can look for clues there as to how to minimize these distractions. Staying motivated is mostly about removing inappropriate influences and feeding your creative energy. This is your new job. Learn to love it and become expert at it.
If you find yourself trying to grit and muscle yourself to greater productivity, take a time-out and ask yourself why you don't want to take on your tasks right now. If you can acknowledge the reasons, you can do something about them. Are you grumpy because you skipped a meal and you need to eat something? Is it because you aren't getting any time to work on the things that actually excite you? Are you low on energy because you're sleep deprived? Are you resenting an interaction with someone that keeps playing in your head and distracting you? Are you afraid of failing? Whatever it is, maybe you can take action on it before you proceed. If not, you can at least start thinking about what changes you can make to help yourself out going forward.
The more you clear away what's in the way of your natural enthusiasm, the more you automatically wake up with a pleasant desire for putting in some work toward what you want to create. Sometimes, you'll need to work on reprioritizing and giving your schedule something of a makeover. Sometimes, all you need is a few minutes of daily Tapping to express built-up emotion and relax your body (or meditation, or journaling, or painting, or prayer, or something else expressive and/or relaxing). We sometimes need to do things we don't enjoy in order to live and keep the lights on, but we always have power over how we're thinking and approaching our tasks. As we make more supportive choices, creativity and motivation can thrive.
Sustainable Motivation
“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm.”
There are two basic options you have every time you seek to motivate yourself toward a task or a goal. One acts like Superman's Kryptonite, draining your energy, creativity and sometimes even your will to live, and the other acts like a vast array of brand-new solar panels, powering your progress with no further investment through the inevitable daily dose of the sun's rays. You may now find yourself wondering, if this is true, why in the name all that is good would anyone choose the first option? That's an excellent question! In this blog, we'll look at why we do this, and what the two options are in the first place.
The first option, which most people vastly overuse in the quest for motivation, is shame. I've heard it said that while guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong, shame is the feeling that you are wrong. Did you get the difference? Give a moment to sink in, because this is important. Shame is, frankly, guilt gone too far. If you believe that you just are bad, that doesn't leave you anywhere to go, and if that doesn't drain your will to live, I don't know what would! The purpose of feeling guilt at all is to let you know that you've veered off course, and you have some work to do to get back on track so that you're living within the parameters of your own values. And here's where we get down to the reason why we then flip into shame: We were taught to.
The application of shame is a very popular tactic for attempting to keep children (and later, adults) in line. If a caretaker implies that a child's behavior is bad and love may be withdrawn because of it, she is likely to be scared into submission. She is also likely, with limited understanding, to take away the message that she is bad—sometimes that's even the intended message. The point of all this from the adult perspective is to maintain some control, and to teach the child safe and desirable behavior. Parenting is hard, children are energetic and unruly, and sometimes anything that works without obvious harm is the goal.
Adults will use shame tactics on adults for control as well, because they know that subconsciously, many will be intimidated and manipulated by them without even noticing what's happening. Also, these are the tactics they were taught themselves—and these things get passed on generation after generation. You can see this playing out in arenas like politics, advertising, and religion, not to mention family dynamics. We learn, from the way others try to motivate us, how we should try to motivate ourselves. And while I'm no child development or parenting expert, I can tell you that for adults, this approach is a disaster.
I want to move on to a better way, while first acknowledging that though you can do a lot through the power of choice and intention, you may need more than that in order to turn away from the habit of overindulgence in guilt and shame. Many of you know what I'm going to say next! EFT, y'all. Otherwise know as Tapping. It's simple to learn, free to use, and once you're comfortable with it, you can use it to rewrite how you experience old memories and how you process new experiences. Depending on your situation, this may take some work. It may even be appropriate to seek guidance from a mental health professional as you do this work, depending on your situation. But I have not found anything else to be as helpful and empowering across such a range of complaints. That said, now let's move on to greener pastures!
The second way to motivate ourselves is through joy. Does that sound good to you? If not, you may find that you have a lot of programming around this concept that causes you to immediately assume that this is dumb, wouldn't be effective, is the territory of the self-indulgent, etc. If so, that right there will prevent you from fairly considering just how efficient it actually can be, and making some amazing progress. What I find to be true over and over is that when we find ways to amp up our inspiration around who we are and the path we're on, everything becomes easier and more fun. That, in turn, builds confidence and optimism, not to mention enthusiasm and physical energy, that will carry us through challenges and setbacks when necessary.
So how do we go about connecting to the infinite power source that is joy? You'll find your own tricks and refinements, but the essential part of the endeavor is in acknowledging that you have a unique part to play in life that has to do with many factors, including where you came from, your family, your friends, your natural talents and the skills you've built, as well as your desires and passions. You are valuable. Knowing that you have something special to offer, you then get to decide how you will assemble all of your pieces into a work of art. This should be fun!
- If it's not fun yet, consciously ask yourself all throughout the day how you could make your tasks more fun. You're alive today! Act like it! Celebrate it!
- It's also important to celebrate what you want (your vision for your future) as well as what you have right now, and love both as best you can. If you're really loving and appreciating something, anything, you're building reserves of joy
- Lastly, celebrate yourself. You will always make mistakes and do some things badly, especially if you're learning, growing, and trying new things. That never means that you are bad. It means that you're human, and there will always be more to learn
- If others are sending you the message that you're bad, that's about them, not you. You decide what you will improve about yourself. It's great to take feedback into account, and others can teach us a great deal, but you are the final arbiter of what's right for you and your timing
- Every day, you need to be spending some time purposely enjoying and honing your vision, and considering your best next steps for getting there. You need to "keep it real," in other words, allow yourself to think of that future you want as a real thing that's being built right now
- It's also important to train yourself to be awake, alive, and aware in the present moment, because that is where all opportunity will show up. Have you ever noticed that an opportunity is never offered to you in the past or the future? If you're spending too much mental time in either, you're missing out on what's happening and what's possible right now!
Powering your life with joy and inspiration is like hooking up to a renewable energy source that draws you forward. It's the most efficient and sustainable way to boost yourself into the future you want, so think about adding more of it if you want to generate perpetual motivation.