So Much Happier Blog
Fun for the Whole Family
“A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.”
This week in the U.S., a lot of people will be spending time with family and friends they may not see very often, cooking up a storm in a time-sensitive sprint toward serving up dinner for the Thanksgiving holiday, and eating and drinking way too much. What could go wrong?
Often people feel a lot of pressure around holidays to act as family members expect them to, keeping the peace even though there are old, unresolved tensions underneath the surface that cause everyone a lot of stress. We try to have a good time even if we're not being treated the way we'd like to be in hopes of helping everyone to stay happy, or at least civil. Any perceived deficiencies in the experience can bring into stark relief the gap between what we currently have and what we wish we'd had in the past, as well as between what we'd like and what currently is. It's a triggering time for many people, especially when we add in the extra demands on everyone's time, gift shopping (or making) for those whose holidays include a tradition of giving, a hectic round of parties, financial year-end activities at work, extra traffic on the roads, etc. This time of year can be a real powder keg. Not to scare anyone, but it's the time of year when the most heart attacks occur, probably because of the soup created by boiling all the above reasons in a pressure cooker.
As I wrote last week, there are times when you're going to be busier than normal, and that's ok. The trick is, when you're busy and stressed, you need to be taking countermeasures to keep yourself sane. Believe it or not, there are some fast, free, simple things you can do to maintain your stability (go back and read last week's blog for more on that), but chief among them that I'll recommend this week is good old EFT. If you haven't yet learned the points to Tap on and the basics of how to do it, now's your chance! I know it may seem like a small, unimportant addition to your life when there's so much going on that's bigger, louder, and more dramatic than the call to pour a foundation of calm underneath it all, but this is something that is easy to learn and that can pay off every day of your life once you do. Imagine being able to help all of your body's systems to relax measurably in just a few minutes, and being able to calm uncomfortable emotions quickly as well. Life becomes so much better when your emotions and even how your body feels are not at the mercy of everyone and everything that crosses your path. The power of having a tool this effective that's gentle and always available has been life changing for me and many of my clients. I know it works from deep personal experience, and my mission is to help others to have access to all of these benefits as well. That means I'm going to challenge you to go learn it now. If not now, then when? What are you waiting for?
There are many helpful actions you can take to boost your happiness and your sense of well being, but there aren't many that can deliver on so many levels all at the same time—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritua—-as EFT does. To really "get" this in your bones, to see it in brilliant technicolor, you need to commit to using it consistently until you have an "aha" moment or three. I suggest practicing for a few minutes daily for at least two weeks, which should allow you to start feeling comfortable with the routine and notice some real benefits if you don't right away. Then, when you're confronted by something shocking, insulting, annoying, or whatever, you can disappear for a few minutes and Tap yourself back to feeling more like yourself again.
Family members will often have very different ways of looking at life than you do, and those may not be open to change. Sometimes the best thing you can do is learn to accept your differences, but that's generally not something that can be accomplished with only the conscious mind. When there are old memories and patterns that trip up our experience of the present, those need to be addressed at the level where they're held: In the subconscious mind and the body itself. EFT does an amazing job of helping us to gently access and lighten the load of stored experiences so that we can become more free from the automatic reactions that arise before we're even aware of what's happening. You don't have to agree with everyone you're related to on every subject, but clearing out the causes of your knee-jerk reactions allows you to decide how you will behave instead of running on autopilot when an old, annoying subject comes up. You'll gain skill with EFT over time, but even the most basic routine can really help you to stay calm when you feel triggered and trapped. Give it a try, and I think you'll be surprised at how a little can go a long way.
Go Ahead, Indulge
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
Where I live, this is a week dominated by a holiday with gratitude at its core. It has been declared a time in which we should slow down and focus on what is good. That mostly takes the form of gathering with friends and family and preparing an elaborate (hopefully delicious) meal. This makes sense; some of the most basic and important things humans can celebrate are love and good food available in plenty. However, mixing the challenges of huge numbers of people all moving around at once, gatherings of hungry people who may not always get along, and the cooking of many dishes, with tricky timing issues all to be ready all at the same moment, can make for some pretty tense times! It may not be easy to navigate such treacherous waters with grace. How to keep your cool when you’re in the crossfire of such dynamics? Here are a few things that I think might be helpful to keep in mind in order to get the most out of this Thanksgiving holiday. If you don’t celebrate it where you are, you can still probably relate to the challenges and potential of such gatherings.
Let’s start with this: So much of what we experience is the result of what we choose to focus on. It’s a lot harder to choose your focus when you’re already annoyed and in a reactive place, so start thinking now about the underlying purpose of the holiday. If you can direct your awareness to the things in your life that really are good right now, and choose to really indulge, go all out, in appreciating them, you can get a running start into the spirit of the day. When you have that momentum going, you may find that it’s easier to stay focused on what’s going right rather than getting hot under the collar as soon as your most predictable relative starts up their most trying behaviors right on cue.
You get to decide which things in your life are worthy of gratitude. No one else has the right to make these decisions for you. When people you don’t see often declare their overly frank opinions about your life in front of others, that can seem like an assault on your value as a human being. It can also bring up subjects you’d rather not talk about in front of an entire roomful of eager beavers whose opinions you weren’t seeking. If you have reminded yourself in advance which things in your life you genuinely feel good about, you can carry those good feelings with you to buoy any disappointment you feel at being asked about areas you’re not so excited about. You also know some subjects you can steer conversation toward that will help you feel more comfortable. These subjects may also help others to feel that you are doing well, and they don’t need to worry about you. When relatives seem to be giving you grief about how you live your life, sometimes it’s because they legitimately care about you and just aren’t doing a good job of expressing that in a way that seems supportive. On the other hand, the really may be trying to put you down in order to make themselves feel superior, or in order to try to guilt you into something or other. In that case, you are still in control of what you choose to think about yourself and your value. It’s good to open to constructive criticism, but criticism that comes from anything but a loving and positive place can be safely thrown out. You can always ask someone you respect and admire for her opinion later if you feel confused about someone’s message and motives. But be determined to hold onto your gratitude, and it will be easier to remain grounded in your sense of self, complete with your remembrance of all the sources of joy in your life.
If conversation lags, or if Negative Nell just won’t stop with the horror stories, feel free to ask him about what he’s most grateful for, and then do your best to join him in appreciating and celebrating those things. This can bring out some surprising and sometimes touching stories about the past that you didn’t know about your family members. I find that hearing the stories of the best things that have happened to people I know, as well as how they avoided disasters or managed them to the best of their abilities, is fascinating. It helps me to understand them better, and also to feel the ways in which I am part of something bigger than myself, because I have shared life with them.
Make an effort to meet others with a predisposition to find something to appreciate about them, even if it’s small and simple. For example, maybe they’re wearing a nice color, or clearly made a significant effort to make a tasty dish to contribute to the day. Often people go through life feeling that they’re not appreciated, and when you acknowledgment them in some way, they brighten. Most people also enjoy talking about themselves, so a compliment may lead to a pleasant conversation, or at least a tolerable conversation, even with someone with whom you don’t seem to have a lot in common. Letting someone elaborate on something that makes them feel good about themselves can get things spinning in the right direction so that everyone can have a good time.
When all else fails, cling to others with a sense of humor (as long as they’re not excessively mean spirited). In life and in family dynamics, some things are absurd. Sometimes you are. It helps to laugh at yourself and at the absurd moments you encounter. Having a buddy with whom at least you can laugh, even if a gathering is uncomfortable, can be a relief and help you to keep everything in perspective, not to mention to remember it more fondly when all is said and done.
Sometimes it’s also appropriate to cry. The most intense experiences often occur around or in connection with family members, so give yourself a break when everything seems difficult. This intensity is part of life. Around those closest to you, you also tend to learn the most, specifically because of the element of challenge—the ways in which you have to expand your viewpoint to comprehend someone else’s, or the ways in which you become more compassionate to others with certain problems because you grew to understand how those problems come into being.
A heart filled with gratitude is one that has more to give: More compassion, more understanding, more appreciation of others. If you take responsibility for maintaining your gratitude in the most positive manner that you can muster, it becomes easier over time to both enjoy what you can in any situation and to stay true to your values even in the face of conflicting viewpoints. While I’m not suggesting that remaining stubbornly inflexible no matter what should be the goal, I do think that you have a unique viewpoint and life to live that no one else can replicate. The only thing you can ultimately control is yourself: Your thinking, your focus, your behavior. It’s your job to be you. Resolve to do it well, and to make use of the best tools and ideas available to you. The world needs the best you have to offer, this week and every week.