So Much Happier Blog
That's Nice, Dear
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Two weeks ago, I blogged about creating a balance in life between giving and receiving; we looked at how to be an insightful giver, and also a gracious receiver. This week, I want to address one of the things that can go wrong with this balance. What can be done when something less concrete that we very much want to give, such as a personal talent or message, is not well received? This becomes a core issue for many people, and one that often causes a great deal of pain, because it gets to the heart of the ways in which we define and value ourselves.
The roots of this problem are usually planted in childhood, but they can be attached to any time period in which we chose to give something personal and precious to us only to have it rejected or minimized by someone else—or many others. One of the difficulties of being alive is that we are born as beginners at everything. Anytime we try something new, we risk failure and humiliation to some extent. If you’re alive for more than a few years, chances are you’re going to have an experience in which you do something you think is beautiful, only to have someone stomp all over your enthusiasm and let you know just how mediocre your effort seems in their eyes. The difficulty really sets in when that person is someone whose good opinion is deeply important to you, or when what you’re giving seems like a fundamental part of yourself, and no one seems to get it.
It’s natural for human beings to want to give of the best of ourselves and to be acknowledged and appreciated for that. Some of the tensions that tend to come up around the holidays have to do with not being seen and acknowledged by family and friends the way we want to be, the way we feel we deserve to be for what is best in us. So here are a few things to try if you find yourself in this position:
· Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder—beauty that is very plainly visible to you may be invisible to someone else because everyone’s worldview is colored by natural tendencies, upbringing, and experience. It’s extra-hard to remember this when what you want those close to you to see is you, but try to acknowledge that other sane opinions than yours are possible, and have compassion for their selective blindness if you can. No doubt someone has tried, at some point, to convince you of the great value of something that you just don’t care for. As my family used to say, this is why they make chocolate and vanilla. Not everyone has to like everything. Work to accept that, sometimes, important people in your life will not fully understand everything that’s important to you.
· If you’re not getting the appreciation you think you deserve for what you have to give, ask yourself if what you’re giving is really as great as you think it is. Be willing to get some friendly feedback from people you trust and who do appreciate you generally, or from an expert adviser whose opinion you respect. They may be able to point out ways in which your honing a skill or two would help others to appreciate your offerings. You can choose see targeting what you have to give to an obstinate person as a challenge that might help you, and learn from the experience. The feedback you get also might confirm that what you’re giving is pretty wonderful already, and it’s just not that obstinate person’s cup of tea. If so, go back to the first point above.
· For the sake of your fulfillment and self-respect, go find some other people who think what you have to give is amazing. There are clubs and organizations for practically everything under the sun. If you put in some work, I can virtually guarantee that you will find some fellow humans who will be delighted with what you have to offer. Get your appreciation from people who truly want to give it, and release those who don’t from attempts at manipulation. Everyone will be happier. I’m not saying it’s easy to stop wanting acknowledgement from people close to you, but the happier you are about yourself, the less you’ll need it—and paradoxically, the more likely they are to come around at some point in the future as you gain confidence and the appreciation of others.
Giving of who you are and what is best about you is an important part of a balanced, happy life. If you’re not feeling that enough other people know, truly see, and acknowledge the goodness you have to give, then this is a worthy area for effort and growth. You have unique qualities that will add to the life experiences of others in positive ways. You’re in the best position to know what those are based on your talents and passions. Don’t give up. Keep learning and be willing to make new connections, and you’ll eventually make progress in finding the appreciation you deserve.
I Gotta Be Me!
“Even if all these needs are satisfied, we may still often (if not always) expect that a new discontent and restlessness will soon develop, unless the individual is doing what he is fitted for. A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately happy. What a man can be, he must be.”
We’ve now reached the final need in Abraham Maslowe’s hierarchy: Self-actualization, and this is where things really get fun. When all one’s other needs are met well enough, he observed, only then is one freed to take on “the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.” This isn’t about merely remaining functional and motivated to get up in the morning. This is about living out your own passionate quest for being the very best possible version of yourself. He acknowledges that there are some rare individuals who have such a need for achievement in this area that they can and will ignore many of the other basic needs in order to focus on it (think of the artist who will live in squalor because all she or he cares about is creating), but these people are very much in the minority. In fact, it’s far more common for people to feel sufficiently beaten down and exhausted by the constant effort it takes to maintain a stable daily routine that they never really make it to the finish line of the hierarchy—which is probably why the whole structure is so often represented by a pyramid in which the self-actualization sector is the relatively small area at the top. If you’re someone who cares about happiness and the art of creating more of it, then spending more time in this sector is your ultimate goal; you’ll need to think about setting up your life to support you in continually refocusing on getting back into this zone.
Maslowe was also clear about the idea that the pursuits to which each person will be drawn when they’re spending time in this sector will be unique. Only he or she knows where the desire for self-actualization must lead. I’m reminded of how my mother always said that when you have more than one child, you see that they just come out different, right from the start! Everyone I know who has raised children has experienced phases of their development when they just get a wild idea and lobby hard for it, whether it’s eating nothing but grilled cheese for weeks at a time, or an insistence that they wear layers and layers of clothing rather than just one outfit at a time, because that’s just how they want to roll. One could argue that this is early evidence of the self-actualization drive. People like teachers who spend time around lots of children often remark on how they don’t have to try to be unique. They just are. And yet, many of us feel, later in life, that we have nothing unique to offer. We feel deflated, dispassionate, bored, or uninspired. Sometimes this happens because we’ve suffered disappointments and don’t know how to deal with them constructively. But often, it happens because others’ opinions and attempts at control have drowned out the inner adventurer. We learned to tone it down because it wasn’t going over well. Partly, this stems from parenting conventions that we’re only slowly learning to move beyond that involve a focus on maintaining authority at all costs lest we lose control of the little beasts altogether. However, it also stems, I think, from the tendency of parents of young children to be sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and to find it easier to try to shut down a child’s annoyingly endless energy and creativity in favor of a little peace and quiet in many single moments throughout the child’s early life. This is not necessarily bad, as long as that energy and creativity are encouraged at other times. After all, we all need to be taught basic manners in order to get along well in society with others, and learning that our rampant self-expression can be trying to others is valuable feedback. But if a child is not encouraged toward her own uniqueness enough, she will learn to bury it. If that happens, the way toward happiness must involve excavating and bringing it back.
It’s also true that others can feel threatened by the extent of our differentness. They may feel unable to cope with the challenge to their own thinking and habits; they may have trouble seeing the beauty in something they’ve never before valued; they may genuinely worry that we will not be treated well in the world because of our unique characteristics; they may worry that they will not be treated well because of their association with us; they may even be jealous of our creativity or sense of self. For whatever reason, there will always be those who will try to train us out of our uniqueness, which is an essential component of our brilliance.
Even if we’ve been encouraged toward self-expression while in school, many of us find that the transition to life as an adult is a shock to the system. Often we’re terribly unprepared for the rigors of earning an income, setting up a life that works, and generally fending for ourselves. In many cultures, there are no longer meaningful rites of passage to help us make the transition. A sense of true community and mutual support can be hard to come by in this age of individualization. No matter how brilliant we have the capacity to be, at this point we learn, often in very unpleasant ways, that there are some things we’re entirely clueless about. There are things we didn’t even realize our family or community members were handling for us. Life is harder and more painful than we expected, at least in some ways, and this can seriously erode our confidence. If we don’t quickly find ways to adapt effectively, we can easily fall back into the realm of the lower basic needs and get stuck there.
If this has happened to you (and if it has, you’ll know it by the dissatisfaction you feel with your life and your conviction that there’s never time to just do what you want), here are some suggestions:
· If you don’t know anything that really gets you feeling excited to be alive, think back to your childhood and remember things you loved to do when you were small. Let’s say you could happily make mud pies outside for hours. What was it that you enjoyed about this? Was it being out in the sunshine? Was it the texture of the dirt in your hands and working on the recipe? Was it having time to yourself to think? There are clues in these memories, so take the time to revisit them. Don’t worry about what anyone else thought about what you were doing. Just remember the bliss and what made that time fun.
· When you start to have a better idea of the things you enjoyed in a pure, self-expressive way, think about how you could recreate some of that joy in your life now. What can you do, even if only every once in a while, that helps you to bring that enjoyment back? Maybe it’s just something simple, like being more aware of the textures of the objects you come into contact with daily. You don’t have to reorder your entire schedule in order to start moving in the right direction.
· Once you have some ideas of a few things you’d love to have back in your life, you will likely feel some excitement about your ideas. Do not, however, expect others in your life to buy in whole hog and want to do all of those things alongside you. Some may, but some won’t. That’s fine! Go find others who love those things as well and join up with them if your activities are better enjoyed in a group. You may need to ask for support in making the time available to take action on some of your ideas. You can volunteer to help others in your life to do something similar if they'll help you. Everyone in your life deserves to follow his/her own unique passions. Your loved ones will be far happier if you allow and encourage them to do that.
· Look for friends who support your expression of your inner adventurer, whether they’re personally interested in the same things or not. Some people will appreciate hearing your stories because they get to sample things they don’t really want to do by living vicariously. Learn to support others in this way as well.
Some schools of thought teach that in order to experience bliss, we should let go of all attachment to earthly pleasures and to outcomes, and give no time to desires for anything but spiritual focus. There are many fine books and other works that espouse this view, and if you look into it, you’ll see that this path encourages a specific kind of brilliance. While I’m interested in all kinds of adventures and I love to read about what others find meaningful, I’ve never wanted to live a solitary life on a mountaintop. I want to live a meaningful life in the midst of all the craziness of daily life around others, and to see where my innermost desires will lead; I think our most deeply held desires can be key to living out lives that elevate those around us and the wider world in which we move and breathe. Personally, I want to experience that world and experiment with it. And it could be said that those who turn their focus habitually inward are also following a kind of desire of their own. After all, who could keep that up if it didn’t somehow excite them?
It need not be selfish to be who you are, to focus on becoming more and more of yourself. Maslowe defined this as a basic and natural human need. I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, you haven’t chosen a life of solitary meditation on a mountaintop either. I recommend spending some time in thinking about how you can follow your inner adventurer and still participate generously in the lives of others. This is your mission, if you choose to accept it. Where will your adventure lead, and what will you choose to express and give?