Goals? Ugh.

“Joy, rather than happiness, is the goal of life, for joy is the emotion which accompanies our fulfilling our natures as human beings. It is based on the experience of one’s identity as a being of worth and dignity.”

— Rollo May

Goals are a tricky thing.  While many of us have heard about the importance of having clear goals defined to draw us forward, there are numerous pitfalls that divert us from enthusiasm in this area.  The main message of most advice in this area can be summed up by the slogan, “Just do it.”  We’re expected to man up, push past misgivings, write out goals, and then place timelines on them and drag ourselves by the hair, come hell or high water, toward the finish line.  While I do think that this approach can inspire and work well for a small sample of the population, I think for most it’s either vastly unappealing such that goals are never written, or it’s not detailed or enjoyable enough to work any sort of magic for us over time—and most worthy goals take time to achieve.  If the standard two-step idea motivates you, that’s great.  Carry on!  But if not, below are some things I can offer in order to help you gain access to the benefits of working with goals in supportive ways.  We’re not actually going to look at a detailed process for doing that this week, we’re just considering the patterns that get in the way of our entering the process at all. 

·      Let’s start at the beginning.  Goals are supposed to be inspiring, exciting, joyful visions of a future result you’d love to create.  It’s easy to lose sight of this basic truth amidst all the “motivational” rhetoric.  Thinking about goals this way sounds non-threatening and fun, right?  Except…

·      We think that if we decide on and/or write down a goal, that’s it.  It can’t be modified, and if we don’t get to it inside of the amount of time that we’ve assigned to it, that means we’ve failed and all is lost.  This “proves” that we’re never going to have the things we want.  We’ve been here before and it feels terrible, especially because…

·      We know how hard we are on ourselves in our own minds.  Vicious, really.  Usually more so than anyone else in our lives, though we doubtless learned some of this from others along the way—we just ran further with it so that no one can say anything to us we haven’t already said to ourselves 

·      Knowing this, the idea of having an optimistic goal brings up tension and the projected misery we know we’ll experience if anything goes wrong—which it will, because no process is ever perfect!  Suddenly this seems like a cycle that’s to be avoided at all costs, because the result is not joyful attainment, but the disturbance of our peace and self-esteem

Sound familiar?  And yet, people who do have written goals that they actively engage with daily are more likely to achieve the things they want; if we can just get past some of these unpalatable associations with goals, better progress might be in store.  How about some improved conceptual guidelines:

·      Let’s rethink.  Realistic goals cannot be inflexible.  That just doesn’t make any sense.  In this chaotic, messy world, nothing ever goes as planned, so how is it logical to think that we can project an exact estimate of any road between where we are and where we want to be?  Goals need to be living, breathing plans that we can continually adjust as the process unfolds.  The act of changing them needs to be seen as a normal, even enjoyable, part of your interaction with the original idea and the realities of life on Earth.  Sometimes, the unexpected will happen.  Count on it.  When it does, I’m not saying you need to abandon the vision—that’s what makes all the work and adjustment worthwhile—just adjust your concept of the path toward it

·      Assigning time deadlines to the overall goal, and the steps you think will get you there, helps in your planning, and can help keep you on track by giving you something to shoot for—but these will always be arbitrary to some degree.  What you want to do is choose an amount of time that seems somewhat challenging, but still allows you to feel excited about the project.  You can and very well may change it later

·      If people around you tend to be judgmental, you don’t have to tell them all the details of what you’re doing and planning.  It’s generally best to share the nitty gritty only with those who you know can be trusted to be supportive and helpful

·      It’s important to introduce humor into the process where you can.  Working toward goals will tend to require some tasks that you don’t find enjoyable, but the whole thing will go much more smoothly if you can lighten the mood when you find yourself struggling.  Also, remind yourself that growth and change usually involve growing pains, and that’s normal and ok.  But you don’t need to be miserable, and in fact you’ll be a lot less productive and creative if you are.  You can take breaks and ask for help, and you should do both as needed

·      Many people who have become hugely successful went through a lot before that success arrived.  What they did not do is give up on themselves or decide that they were failures when things went awry.  Everyone spirals into negative self-talk sometimes, but only you get to decide how you will value yourself.  Missing a deadline or goal NEVER has to mean anything permanent about you.  While we’re alive, we can still change and learn, and doing these things is some of the most thrilling stuff in life.  When necessary, you will take a break, get some perspective and some rest, and then regroup

·      You will spend time every day thinking about and consciously enjoying the idea of having what it is that you intend to create.  This habit is everything.  It supercharges your ability to stay positive and in the game.  As soon as you lose the ability to enjoy your vision, your motivation will crumble.  This is actually the single most important part of the entire process, because the vast majority of people are most powerfully motivated by pleasure, NOT by pain or avoidance of misery

·      You always retain the right to reshape your process or vision based on the experiences you’re having in the pursuit of your goal.  You might decide that your original plan doesn’t seem to be the best way forward, or you might need to add steps and more time.  You might even decide, once you’ve gotten a taste of progress, that you need to rethink the ultimate goal, because it no longer seems like a good expression of what you want.  You remain in the driver’s seat.  You’re the decision maker regarding what you want your life to be about.  It’s ok to keep tinkering with the vision as you go even if no one else understands what the heck you’re doing.  It’s your life!  And we don’t always know what will be satisfying until we try it out in practice

I hope you’re starting to see that the point of goals is not to hold yourself to impossibly rigid standards or abuse yourself if all does not go according to plan.  The point is to spur you toward a quest for greater achievements, and the experience of greater joy, than you’re likely to just stumble into without clarity and inspiring challenge.  Making and working toward them can and should be fun!  You can make it so!  Let these ideas stew a bit, and next time we’ll consider the details of how to get started with a helpful vision and map out a process.