Interview with The Feng Shui Guy

“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.”

— Brian Tracy

Ariel Joseph Towne, The Feng Shui Guy

Have you ever been curious about Feng Shui?  You're in luck!  I sat down with Ariel Joseph Towne, a.k.a. The Feng Shui Guy, to talk about this ancient art form:  What it is, how he came to know it, and how it can help to create balance in your life.  Our lively conversation ranged over topics such as how he helps people support good sleep, his secrets on fostering synchronicity, the dynamic connection between inner and outer work, and the importance of inner quiet and gratitude.  Be sure to check out his Web site for more information about his books and coaching services. 

Who's Driving This Thing?

“The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

— Carl Rogers

I’ve noticed in my work with clients that many people are much harder on themselves than they would be on anyone else, especially people they love and care about.  Something for which one would easily forgive a friend becomes unforgiveable in oneself for reasons that are hard to fathom.  Sometimes the client will even say that it seems irrational for him to feel so guilty about something relatively minor, and yet he does.  What gives?  And why is this such a common experience?

I think the answer is that we have learned this behavior, usually from people who had no idea what was being passed down, in two different ways.  First, the conscious part of the equation:  When we’re children, we hear from all the adults around us, as well as from friends and peers, about what constitutes being a “good” person.  We may have trouble unifying everything we’re told into a cohesive theory about how to behave, but we do know that we’re supposed to try to be “good.”  We doubtless remember times when we were accused of behaving badly and intentionally embarrassed by someone, whether publicly or privately.  We may learn that life tends to go more smoothly when we behave in a pleasing way toward others; we then take on the job of policing our own behavior, taking on the voices of people we respected or feared and obeying them even in their absence.  This is relatively easy to recognize if you think about it—by which I mean that it may take some work to notice when you’re trying to please someone who’s not there, but if you pay attention to how you make decisions, you’ll probably start to see some of these habits before too long. 

And now for the second part that is not conscious.  Figuring out how this piece is affecting you can be quite a bit trickier.  In The Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton writes about how recent scientific study has revealed that children under the age of six spend most of their time in different brain wave states than adults.  Until the age of two, children exhibit mostly delta brain waves, which in adults are associated with sleep states, and from ages two to six they spend most of their time in theta brain wave activity, which in adults is associated with the kind of “suggestible, programmable” state that hypnotherapists lead people into in order to help them accomplish change.  In other words, young children are generally not in a fully conscious state that adults would recognize.  They do not have access to conscious decision-making and analytical abilities.   Therefore, whatever a small child hears is downloaded into her subconscious directly.  Did you get that?  Young children have no filter; what they hear is recorded directly into their subconscious minds as truth.  When you were young, you learned a great deal that you are not aware of now, and it’s still affecting you today unless you’ve taken concrete steps to update that information. 

That explains a lot about why it can be so hard to change old habits and beliefs even if we want to.  The reasons why we feel a certain way may well be rooted in events and verbal commands we can’t even remember!  We have years’ worth of programming that we’ve never had the opportunity to examine.  We may remember plenty from childhood, and still be unaware of some pivotal beliefs that were instilled in us very early.  The people who taught them to you have changed or may not be alive anymore, but the messages have not.  Part of your mind is being run by ghosts.

We all know that parenting is a tough, demanding, and often exhausting job.  Parents do what they can to keep us safe and healthy and stay sane at the same time.  One of the methods most use is the application of shame to keep us in line—a sharp tone of voice telling us to stop it and a withering look, questions about what we were thinking when we did something that seemed really dumb or dangerous from an adult perspective, maybe a slap upside the head to let us know just how unacceptable our choice was.  (Some of this is non-verbal, or even learned from things we just overheard rather than experiencing them personally.)  If they can make us feel bad about certain choices, it’s less likely that we’ll make them again.  While this can be effective, its continued use can also leave us with a general feeling of not being good enough/as good as others, or the feeling that we need to talk to ourselves harshly in order to avoid bad decisions and consequences.  Once it’s installed, this habit of self-talk can run for decades or a lifetime without your awareness of what it’s really about, or that there are other alternatives.  The only thing that really makes this second half of the equation different from the first is that it occurs before we can be fully aware of what’s happening, and we may not be able to recall it later.

Some of this may not seem very empowering.  After all, what can we do about things we don’t even remember in the first place?  In fact, there are ways to clean up even the mysterious things that may be holding you back.  Making positive change happen in your life often requires the use of tools that can open a dialogue between your conscious and your unconscious mind.  My favorite of these is EFT/Tapping because it’s highly effective, and it’s a self-help tool that almost anyone can learn and use safely.  Once you’ve spent some time getting the hang of it, it’s astonishing what you can learn about yourself and what might be keeping you stuck in a particular area of your life.  It takes practice to become confident in this dialogue, but it’s well worth the effort if you’re someone who would like to feel better physically, emotionally, or spiritually, or to work toward more positive mental habits.  Despite what we may have been taught, it is possible to learn to treat yourself more kindly, and think and problem-solve more constructively.  Quieting habitual negativity can free up a lot of energy for better physical health and greater creativity.  And now that you know more about how children function, you might want to spend some time thinking about how you talk to the little ones in your life.  What you say to them will shape their habits more directly than you might think.  Choose your messages carefully to support their long-term health and happiness just as you learn to be more careful with how you speak to yourself.  

Onward and Upward

“The longer you hang in there, the greater the chance that something will happen in your favor. No matter how hard it seems, the longer you persist, the more likely your success.”

— Jack Canfield

Just keep going.  This is one of the most important principles I know of in the grand scheme of creating a successful life.  You don’t have to always be running—you can walk, skip, hop or dance—and it’s ok to take a breather now and then when you need it.  But if you can build the habit of just doing what you can to move forward a little bit every day, your progress toward what you want will be much faster than if you tend to exhaust yourself and drop out, or reconsider everything when you don’t get immediate results. 

In such a fast-paced world, one in which we’ve been shown that everyone can become an “overnight” success by just getting on a reality T.V. show, our expectations may have become a bit unrealistic.  For most people, success is the result of years of effort, which invariable include lots of ups and downs.  Even those who seem to have gotten a big, lucky break have usually spent plenty of unglamorous time preparing and wondering at times if they’d ever get anywhere.  Just like the rest of us!

I would suggest that this time of uncertainty and constant application yields precious abilities, even when it seems like nothing is happening.  When we keep going despite resistance, worry, boredom, and annoyance, we’re building a habit of focus and healthy stubbornness that can serve us throughout life.  Of course, I’m not implying that we should be so stubborn that we never consider our results and adjust course, or listen to the constructive feedback of others.  I am in favor or each person dancing to their own drummer, though; you must ultimately be the one who decides what is right for you, and sometimes even the most well-intentioned advice must be ignored if it doesn’t seem right to you and for you.  Some of the people who have invented the most astonishing things throughout history have been told over and over that creating what they saw in their mind’s eye was impossible. They kept going and perfected those things anyway.  Healthy stubbornness in action!

There are many ways to keep yourself going when it’s difficult and uncomfortable to do so.  I suggest broadening your tool set so that you have a better chance of staying in the game when the going gets frustrating.  For example:

·      Figure out what motivates you and roll with it.  Are you someone whose abilities wake up when you’re moving toward something good, or working to outrun something you fear?  Most of us respond somewhat to both, but you may find that one or the other is more effective for you.  If you like to imagine moving toward something you want, remind yourself at least once a day what you’re working toward by imagining it vividly—preferably numerous times per day.  This will bring you little surges of energy and the ability to recommit to your task every time you do it.  You can also give yourself a little pep talk here and there and remind yourself of the progress you’ve made.  If you get fired up when you imagine moving away from something bad, you can imagine something like that instead—see, hear, and feel people talking about how you failed and they knew you’d never amount to anything, etc.  For most people, far more repetitions of the positive style of motivation is best, but throwing in a vision of what you definitely don’t want can sometimes add some spice to the mix.

·      Take care of your physical needs without fail.  Don’t skip meals, but keep them healthy.  Get regular exercise, which builds energy and helps manage stress and lift your moods, and stretch your muscles to stay limber.  Get at least seven hours of sleep per night.  Brush and floss.  You get the picture.

·      Tell only the people you know you can trust to be supportive about your big goals.  The last thing you need is a lot of negativity from people who think small, or are threatened by your unique vision. 

·      Commit to being a lifelong learner.  No one starts off as an expert.  We all build expertise in the areas we choose over time, and it never happens overnight.  You don’t have to keep up with all information all the time, but you do need to keep up with your chosen field of interest, and again, it’s a fast-paced world out there.  This will take some time and attention always if you want to be good at what you do, but it will also keep exposing you to the brilliance of others, which is inspiring.

·      Find ways to blow off steam when you hit road blocks.  Do or watch something that makes you laugh yourself silly.  Spend time with friends.  Volunteer for a worthy cause and get your mind off your own troubles.  Spend some time on a hobby that just makes you feel good.  Read biographies of successful people, who I guarantee went through hard times before they became famous and respected for their contributions.  Write out your woes in a journal.  Go outside and enjoy the natural world.

·      Be willing to rethink your strategy as you try things and learn from your experiences.  Consult others who have done something similar for advice and a change of perspective.

·      If you crash and burn or fall off the wagon in some way, know that everyone experiences failure sometimes, and we often learn far more from these episodes than from we do from smooth sailing.  Failures and mistakes may feel terrible when they’re happening, but they are not the end unless we decide they are.  If you’re still alive, there’s still more left within you.

·      Remind yourself that what you have to give is unique and important.  Even if it’s not yet ready or not yet connecting with an audience or customers, someone out there needs and is waiting for what you have to offer.

For some people, succeeding to a level that feels satisfying takes far longer than they ever hoped or imagined.  If this is you, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—this is a very common human experience.  We can’t always know beforehand exactly what will get us to our destination.  Just keep taking a step forward every time you can, keep learning, and above all, just keep going.

Red-Letter Days

“The way to stay inspired and motivated is by doing what you like, doing what you love.”

— Raphael Saadiq

Sometimes, you just have a naturally amazing day.  You wake up feeling rested and enthusiastic, the skies are sunny and blue, you make all the green lights without driving like a maniac, people return your smiles, and you have time to get everything done.  Everything seems to hum along easily.  It’s so lovely when this happens.  But for all the days when it doesn’t, how to stay sane?  In a crowded world, we cross paths with so many others, all on their own private missions, all the time.  Sometimes there are crashes, whether physical or philosophical.  We have to deal with numerous institutions, from governments to schools to businesses, that bring order to our world, but which we didn’t create and may not agree with.  There are important people whose happiness we’re trying to contribute to every day.  And there are just so many distractions competing for our attention!

I’ve come to think of the happy phenomenon described above as the result of the alignment of numerous factors, some of which are hard or impossible to predict.  While you can’t force this experience of ease into being, there are certainly things you can do to make this experience more common.  If you’re serious about creating more instances of it, here are some areas to check in on:

·      With what foods and liquids are you fueling your body?  If your nutrition is not good, and if you’re not properly hydrated, you will start to crumble, both physically and mentally.  You can’t be productive if you’re crashing throughout the day because your body is missing essential elements that it needs to function.  You need high-quality protein, healthy fats, and lots of fruits and vegetables.  You also need more water than you think you do.

·      How much sleep are you getting, and is it deep and restful?  So many important things are meant to happen when you sleep.  If you’re consistently getting less than seven hours per night of high-quality sleep, you’re running on empty.  You will have a much harder time with mental focus, and you’re far more likely to be emotionally volatile; your body will feel less coordinated and heavier.  Some people need more than seven hours, so if you feel the need to sleep late on days off, try bumping up your sleep time routinely and see how many hours it takes per night before you stop needing that “catch up” time.  In addition to sleep, we also need some rest time when we’re not running, doing, or worrying.  Hobbies and creative pursuits, reading, time with friends, and other fun, relaxing activities can fall into this category.  If you don’t allow yourself any of this kind of time, you’ll have a hard time enjoying your life at all.

·      How much exercise are you getting?  Moving your physical body both strengthens your fitness and creates happiness chemicals known as endorphins (which can enhance mood for many people just as well as the most powerful pharmaceuticals tailored for this purpose).  Exercise has so many benefits for your body and your outlook that it must be considered an essential element in your daily routine.  Be smart and check with your medical professional before you make any substantial changes in your health regimen, but do find an activity you can do and work it into your life.  Not immediately, but with continued application, you will create more energy than you use this way.

·      What gives your life meaning and purpose?  Are there things that get you out of bed in the morning because you genuinely want to do them on a deep level?  These can be anything really as long as you feel like you’ve chosen to give them an important place in your life and they’re important to you—learning to play an instrument whose sound you’ve always loved, caring for an aging relative, writing a book, climbing a mountain, solving a problem in your community—just something that fires you up when you think about it or makes you feel satisfied when you do it.  If you don’t have anything like this drawing you forward, you’re leaving a major source of energy and joy on the table.

·      What really inspires you?  A particular style of music or a particular composer or recording artist?  Movies with heroic themes, well-written novels, beautifully performed theatre, Olympic or other professional sports, the beauty of the natural world, your pet, etc.?  When you figure out answers to this, do your best to bring these things into your experience on a regular basis.  These things will also create more energy and enthusiasm for you.

·      What just annoys the heck out of you?  And how can you minimize the impact of these things on your life?  Maybe you need to be careful not to spend too much time around the more negative people you know.  Maybe you need to wear earplugs when you have to be somewhere really loud.  Maybe you can brainstorm about how to spend less time commuting.  You get my drift.  Sometimes small adjustments can yield a lot of relief.

·      What are you doing as a calming daily practice for your mind, emotions and spirit?  If you want to have more days when you sail through life with joy and ease, you can’t skip this one, even though it can be hard to carve out the time for it.  Find one thing or several things that can occupy this function for you, and prioritize doing one of them every day.  Write in a journal, meditate, pray, use EFT/Tapping, spend a few minutes every day thinking about what you’re grateful for, walk mindfully, breathe deeply, or do something else that is calming, relaxing, and that helps you to feel centered and reassured.  When you’re attending to your own needs, it’s far easier to be generous and understanding with others.

If some of these suggestions seem annoyingly familiar, as though they’ve come directly from the desk of Captain Obvious, that is most likely because these are some of the most important things we can do as humans to increase the likelihood that we will function well and happily as we go about the business of being alive, and they don’t change over time.  When you’re handling these basics, you’re helping yourself to have a far better daily experience, and you’re also far more able to contribute positively to the world around you.  It’s a life’s work to become a pro at balancing all this, but you’re probably already good at some of them.  Pick one where you know you could do better and start trying new things, and then rinse and repeat!

A Time for Everything

“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.”

— Robert Fulghum

Here in the U.S., we’ve just celebrated Independence Day.  It’s a fun, social holiday when it’s customary to gather for backyard barbeque, swimming, lawn games, and festive libations, and then we finish big by blowing things up.  Hopefully, only fireworks.  The whole thing is an excellent expression of the exuberance of summer, as well as the freewheeling attitude that begs to prevail during the hottest weather.  In some ways it feels like the high point of summer, a day that epitomizes everything this season stands for.  So it can seem like something of a letdown to get back to normal life the day after.  How does one go on working when it seems like it’s high time to drop everything and hit the beach for a month, responsibility be damned?

It’s a fine thing to partake of the customs and spirit of each season, and yet there will always be things that need doing.  There are also things you probably want to be advancing for yourself during this time—goals that reflect true desires you’d like to see fulfilled.  How can you stay motivated in the midst of distraction in the form of good times to be had all around?  Some thoughts:

• First of all, don’t fight the fun!  Find ways to let yourself enjoy the opportunities that present themselves.  If you don’t do this enough, you’re likely to get fed up at some point and bolt from the things you actually want to be doing because all that self-denial has made you want to rebel.  What this balance between work and play should be is unique to each person, and takes trial and error to discover.  It’s also not a constant, so you’ll need to be honest with yourself about what you’re craving on a daily basis and do your best to find sensible ways to feed any craving that you know is healthy.
• Next, look at the list of what you’re working on and see if you can streamline it to make a little more room than usual to breathe.  Do you have to make progress on all of those items?  Could you work on only one thing per week, even if you’re really charging forward on that thing, in order to create a little more head space and know when you’re done each day?  Could you pencil in a little more free time here and there to do with as you like?  What would go undone if you did that?  Maybe you can live with the answer to this. 
• Where could you lighten up on others, who are also probably experiencing a similar draw toward a little more down time?  Can you see ways to lower your expectations of others a little so they feel more freedom to enjoy extra relaxation without guilt?  It’s not very nice to do less if you’re just going to burden others with more.
• Once you have made a little room for yourself, consider why you want to make the progress you do.  Reminding ourselves of the purpose behind actions that may not immediately pay off is crucial to generating the energy necessary to getting things done.  For example, cleaning the bathroom is not an inspiring prospect, but keeping germs and dust under control means you get to experience health and the pleasure of living in a clean, uncluttered environment.  Focus on the happy result you’re working toward, and it gets a lot easier to get up and go.
• Finally, you can take all the fun you’ve experienced at recent social events, or other pleasant experiences, and play the memories like music in the background when you’re working.  Whenever you think of it, remember the laughs, the play, and the good times with people (or animals) you feel close to; you can even think about the ways in which the work you’re doing is likely to impact them for the better, no matter if the benefits are indirect.  For example, if you’re cleaning the house, you can think about how nice it will be for them to visit a clean space next time, and imagine the fun you’ll have when they do—or even just how your clean house supports your health, which helps you feel good enough to join in whenever there’s an invitation.

It’s natural to feel some connection to the character of the seasons.  If you acknowledge what’s on offer at any particular time and find ways to adapt and enjoy it, you’ll be serving your overall happiness and continued effectiveness.  None of us is a machine, nor should we be.  Choose to be a human and take part!

Ready, Set, Groan!

“Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.”

— John F. Kennedy

“Number one, like yourself. Number two, you have to eat healthy. And number three, you’ve got to squeeze your buns. That’s my formula.”

— Richard Simmons

There's something that I don't think people talk about nearly enough about the first two weeks to a month of starting a new exercise regime: It's going to suck.

How 'bout them apples? I bet you didn't expect me to write a statement like that! But I find that this uncomfortable early period derails a lot of people who get started on renewing fitness goals with the best of intentions, and even great feelings of commitment. We're told that exercise boosts endorphins, which produce euphoria, and can reduce stress and even clinical depression. And yet I know from personal experience as well as from the experiences of my friends and clients that those first few weeks are a challenge like no other. You'll be tired, you'll be grumpy, you'll resent the loss of time you're used to having for other things, you'll have sore muscles, and you may come up against a whole host of body-related beliefs and issues that have the potential to derail you until you've built up some momentum.

Several important things can go wrong during this period:

1.     If you don't know your body really well, it's very likely that in your initial enthusiasm, you will overestimate what you can and should do to get started.  You have probably taken on, on some level, the "no pain, no gain" mentality, and the belief that you need to buckle down and "just do it." You have been made to feel that your lack of fitness is the result of your being too soft and wussing out on a disciplined approach throughout your life.  You think that forcing yourself to power through pain and discomfort through sheer will power is the answer, so you ignore your body's signals and plough ahead with a plan that is perhaps overambitious.  You then spend days or weeks hobbling around in agony until you decide that this exercise thing is for the birds.

·      In the first few weeks of activity, you are likely to have some muscle soreness or stiffness.  Starting slowly helps keep this manageable, but many of us shy away from anything that feels like pain, and will start finding reasons to discontinue the effort.  Epsom salt baths can be helpful here, and it’s also important to make sure you’re stretching appropriately for your chosen exercise.  Keep in mind that your body will get used to moving if you stick with it.  A life that includes a rewarding level of fitness need not include a lot of pain, but you may need to move through some in the beginning.  Give yourself credit for being willing to go through this adjustment phase for your long-term good.

·      Seriously addressing your nutritional needs is a great idea, particularly when you’re about to make greater demands on your body’s energy output and general functioning.  There’s a lot of great information available out there for free from your local library and online, and I encourage you to use it to educate yourself.  Sorting through it can be overwhelming, though, so don’t be afraid to consult an expert.  A nutritionist can help you figure out what your body needs in order to function at high levels.

2.     If you do know your body well and make (or work with a professional to make) a plan that is more realistic and sustainable/scaleable, you're still going to be dealing with the ups and downs that accompany the process for building and solidifying a new habit.

·      For some of us, the problem is going to be that it's hard to stay inspired when we're at the beginning of a new road, and all we can see is a daunting upward climb ahead. The ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other when the goal seems so far away can be a huge challenge. Planning ahead by putting some support structures in place to help you get through this time is an excellent.  You might want to find an exercise buddy to at least check in with on a daily basis so you know someone else is by your side having a similar experience. You could also tell a few positive people what you're doing so that they will be rooting for you, and can offer you encouragement and pep talks when you need them.  It might be helpful to make sure you have something fun to look forward to every week that will help buoy your mood if things feel difficult, something that you really enjoy.  In short, plan to support yourself now in any way that you know works for you.  You’re taking on a worthy challenge.  When you succeed in establishing a habit of healthy movement, it supports your entire life in ways that are more than the sum of the apparent parts.

·      For others, the opinions of others may be a danger zone. If you have naysayers around you, you're going to have to find ways to escort the voice of their negativity out of the building, whether figuratively or literally, in order to stay focused. You may also need to do your own internal work to replace that voice with a more positive one, and to create a strong vision of the new self you're becoming to whom this new fitness habit is natural. You may find yourself asking, who will I be if I create a habit of fitness?  Here you may encounter some beliefs about who you are that need to change.  There are many gentle modalities that can assist you here, from journaling and affirmations to hypnosis and EFT.

·      If exercise has never been fun for you, you’ll need to find ways to choose activities that you’ll will dread doing the least, and add elements that boost your enjoyment of time spent moving. Maybe working out in a group will change your dynamic for the better. Groups also offer an immediate support network that can offer encouragement and solidarity, and for many, this is a game changer. Maybe listening to upbeat music you love will really get you going, or watching a T.V. program that really engages you (only do this if you're doing activities that don't demand your focus to avoid injury, though). And make sure the program is positive—you don't want to start associating your active time with sad, frightening, or otherwise upsetting experiences, even if they're imaginative. This will likely sabotage your enthusiasm over time, which is the last thing you want.  I will acknowledge that we’re all different, though, and it's important to know what works for you; for instance, I do have one friend who, along with her family, thinks that horror movies are hilarious, and they get together and laugh themselves silly watching them.  For most people, that probably isn't the case, so watching horror while exercising is probably not a winning strategy for the rest of us!  For some, the idea of doing something repetitive like walking or stair climbing seems way too boring.  It's important to start with something gentle like walking or swimming if your current fitness level is low, but as you gain experience with exercise, you can try new things and see if there are other activities you enjoy more, or as part of a rotation of several choices that keeps things interesting for you over time.

Next week we’ll look at another, more subtle category of challenge you may need to address.  For now, keep in mind that despite the difficulties inherent in starting something new, exercise is an essential ingredient in the recipe for creating a balanced, happy, healthy life.  Celebrate the ways in which you’ve already built it into your life, and remember that it’s supposed to be fun to move your body.  Physical activity is a pathway to a great deal of the joy of being alive.  If you’re currently working on creating this habit, hang in there!  I’ve been where you are, and I know that your work will pay off for you if you stick with it and remain responsive to your body’s changing needs.

Yes to Summer

“If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.”

— Herodotus

Temperatures are rising in this northern hemisphere that I call home as we near the official beginning of summer.  A sun so insistently hot calls us to take things a little more slowly, hang loose a little more often, enjoy the simple pleasures of wearing bathing suits and sandals and eating outdoors.  For many of us, this wakes up the awareness of our physicality and brings us further into the immediacy of the moment.  We find it easier to remember to play, maybe because of the associations with summer vacations past, or maybe just because there’s so much to enjoy in this season of lazy, easy sociability.  It’s harder to be in a bad mood when there’s so much sunlight and your neighbors are kicking up their heels.

All throughout the cooler, darker months we’ve been working hard and likely resting more.  When nights are long, there’s a pull to go inward, hibernate and rest up in anticipation of higher-energy months.  Now it’s finally time to balance work with enjoyment and celebrate what we’ve created in the dark.  It may now feel more like time to share what we’ve been working on as we continue to move it forward.  Sometimes it’s hard to strike the right balance here—there’s still a lot to do (isn’t there always?) and we want to get to the goal.  It can be hard to allow what’s going on around us to pull us away from responsibility and discipline.  But if we don’t take the time to be a part of the rites of summer, we’ll be disappointed later that we missed out on this sensual season.

If you’re the type who has trouble getting motivated, know that even those who have cracked the code on productivity need to balance out effort with social events and activities that recharge their enthusiasm for life.  I’m not suggesting that you use summer as an excuse to get nothing done for months at a time, but staying in the game over time and living your passion require taking breaks.  The willingness to partake of the joys on offer in every season will connect you with the life that is unfolding all around you.  It helps you to participate zestfully in the passage of time rather than resist it and bemoan time’s scarcity.  It helps you to share unique moments with others that you could never have predicted.

I encourage you to let in the sun during these months.  You know that feeling of baking for hours on the beach, and how the sun’s rays warm you deep into your skin?  How that plus the timeless rhythm of the surf drowns out some of the thoughts and concerns you might have on a routine day?  Go out there and find ways to revel in some summer lounging, indulgence in a guilty pleasure of a novel, or other indolence as long as it’s relaxing.  Feel free to also enjoy outdoor activities as long as there’s playfulness involved.  Splurge on summer fruits that have a short season.  Drink lemonade.  Nap in hammocks with the sound of wind chimes tinkling in your ears.  And give yourself credit for all that you do for yourself and your family and the world on all the days when you’re not indulging like this.  Motivation is wonderful.  Contentment is good for us too.

I Gotta Be Me!

“Even if all these needs are satisfied, we may still often (if not always) expect that a new discontent and restlessness will soon develop, unless the individual is doing what he is fitted for. A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately happy. What a man can be, he must be.”

— Abraham Maslowe

We’ve now reached the final need in Abraham Maslowe’s hierarchy:  Self-actualization, and this is where things really get fun.  When all one’s other needs are met well enough, he observed, only then is one freed to take on “the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.”  This isn’t about merely remaining functional and motivated to get up in the morning.  This is about living out your own passionate quest for being the very best possible version of yourself.  He acknowledges that there are some rare individuals who have such a need for achievement in this area that they can and will ignore many of the other basic needs in order to focus on it (think of the artist who will live in squalor because all she or he cares about is creating), but these people are very much in the minority.  In fact, it’s far more common for people to feel sufficiently beaten down and exhausted by the constant effort it takes to maintain a stable daily routine that they never really make it to the finish line of the hierarchy—which is probably why the whole structure is so often represented by a pyramid in which the self-actualization sector is the relatively small area at the top.  If you’re someone who cares about happiness and the art of creating more of it, then spending more time in this sector is your ultimate goal; you’ll need to think about setting up your life to support you in continually refocusing on getting back into this zone.

Maslowe was also clear about the idea that the pursuits to which each person will be drawn when they’re spending time in this sector will be unique.  Only he or she knows where the desire for self-actualization must lead.  I’m reminded of how my mother always said that when you have more than one child, you see that they just come out different, right from the start!  Everyone I know who has raised children has experienced phases of their development when they just get a wild idea and lobby hard for it, whether it’s eating nothing but grilled cheese for weeks at a time, or an insistence that they wear layers and layers of clothing rather than just one outfit at a time, because that’s just how they want to roll.  One could argue that this is early evidence of the self-actualization drive.  People like teachers who spend time around lots of children often remark on how they don’t have to try to be unique.  They just are.  And yet, many of us feel, later in life, that we have nothing unique to offer.  We feel deflated, dispassionate, bored, or uninspired.  Sometimes this happens because we’ve suffered disappointments and don’t know how to deal with them constructively.  But often, it happens because others’ opinions and attempts at control have drowned out the inner adventurer.  We learned to tone it down because it wasn’t going over well.  Partly, this stems from parenting conventions that we’re only slowly learning to move beyond that involve a focus on maintaining authority at all costs lest we lose control of the little beasts altogether.  However, it also stems, I think, from the tendency of parents of young children to be sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and to find it easier to try to shut down a child’s annoyingly endless energy and creativity in favor of a little peace and quiet in many single moments throughout the child’s early life.  This is not necessarily bad, as long as that energy and creativity are encouraged at other times.  After all, we all need to be taught basic manners in order to get along well in society with others, and learning that our rampant self-expression can be trying to others is valuable feedback.  But if a child is not encouraged toward her own uniqueness enough, she will learn to bury it.  If that happens, the way toward happiness must involve excavating and bringing it back.

It’s also true that others can feel threatened by the extent of our differentness.  They may feel unable to cope with the challenge to their own thinking and habits; they may have trouble seeing the beauty in something they’ve never before valued; they may genuinely worry that we will not be treated well in the world because of our unique characteristics; they may worry that they will not be treated well because of their association with us; they may even be jealous of our creativity or sense of self.  For whatever reason, there will always be those who will try to train us out of our uniqueness, which is an essential component of our brilliance.

Even if we’ve been encouraged toward self-expression while in school, many of us find that the transition to life as an adult is a shock to the system.  Often we’re terribly unprepared for the rigors of earning an income, setting up a life that works, and generally fending for ourselves.  In many cultures, there are no longer meaningful rites of passage to help us make the transition.  A sense of true community and mutual support can be hard to come by in this age of individualization.  No matter how brilliant we have the capacity to be, at this point we learn, often in very unpleasant ways, that there are some things we’re entirely clueless about.  There are things we didn’t even realize our family or community members were handling for us.  Life is harder and more painful than we expected, at least in some ways, and this can seriously erode our confidence.  If we don’t quickly find ways to adapt effectively, we can easily fall back into the realm of the lower basic needs and get stuck there.

If this has happened to you (and if it has, you’ll know it by the dissatisfaction you feel with your life and your conviction that there’s never time to just do what you want), here are some suggestions:

·      If you don’t know anything that really gets you feeling excited to be alive, think back to your childhood and remember things you loved to do when you were small.  Let’s say you could happily make mud pies outside for hours.  What was it that you enjoyed about this?  Was it being out in the sunshine?  Was it the texture of the dirt in your hands and working on the recipe?  Was it having time to yourself to think?  There are clues in these memories, so take the time to revisit them.  Don’t worry about what anyone else thought about what you were doing.  Just remember the bliss and what made that time fun.

·      When you start to have a better idea of the things you enjoyed in a pure, self-expressive way, think about how you could recreate some of that joy in your life now.  What can you do, even if only every once in a while, that helps you to bring that enjoyment back?  Maybe it’s just something simple, like being more aware of the textures of the objects you come into contact with daily.  You don’t have to reorder your entire schedule in order to start moving in the right direction.

·      Once you have some ideas of a few things you’d love to have back in your life, you will likely feel some excitement about your ideas.  Do not, however, expect others in your life to buy in whole hog and want to do all of those things alongside you.  Some may, but some won’t.  That’s fine!  Go find others who love those things as well and join up with them if your activities are better enjoyed in a group.  You may need to ask for support in making the time available to take action on some of your ideas.  You can volunteer to help others in your life to do something similar if they'll help you.  Everyone in your life deserves to follow his/her own unique passions.  Your loved ones will be far happier if you allow and encourage them to do that.  

·      Look for friends who support your expression of your inner adventurer, whether they’re personally interested in the same things or not.  Some people will appreciate hearing your stories because they get to sample things they don’t really want to do by living vicariously.  Learn to support others in this way as well.

Some schools of thought teach that in order to experience bliss, we should let go of all attachment to earthly pleasures and to outcomes, and give no time to desires for anything but spiritual focus.  There are many fine books and other works that espouse this view, and if you look into it, you’ll see that this path encourages a specific kind of brilliance.  While I’m interested in all kinds of adventures and I love to read about what others find meaningful, I’ve never wanted to live a solitary life on a mountaintop.  I want to live a meaningful life in the midst of all the craziness of daily life around others, and to see where my innermost desires will lead; I think our most deeply held desires can be key to living out lives that elevate those around us and the wider world in which we move and breathe.  Personally, I want to experience that world and experiment with it.  And it could be said that those who turn their focus habitually inward are also following a kind of desire of their own.  After all, who could keep that up if it didn’t somehow excite them?

It need not be selfish to be who you are, to focus on becoming more and more of yourself.  Maslowe defined this as a basic and natural human need.  I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, you haven’t chosen a life of solitary meditation on a mountaintop either.  I recommend spending some time in thinking about how you can follow your inner adventurer and still participate generously in the lives of others. This is your mission, if you choose to accept it.  Where will your adventure lead, and what will you choose to express and give?

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

“It’s easy to not feel misplaced if this tidal wave of appreciation is coming your way.”

— Christoph Waltz

Last week we looked at the importance of gaining significant skills in some area of your choice as a way to bolster self-worth.  The second part of Maslowe’s posited esteem needs is, in his own words, “the desire for reputation or prestige (defining it as respect or esteem from other people), recognition, attention, importance, or appreciation.”  He found that, even if we feel great about our accomplishments, abilities, and our value from within, it’s important that the reactions of others align with our assessment.  If they don’t, if we haven’t clearly earned the respect and commendation of others for having produced something valuable, we will likely feel unsatisfied until the respect of others does show up. 

Humans exist within an evolutionary dynamic in which we tend to be always reaching for new ideas, better solutions, and more progress—not just biologically, but with our hearts, minds, and spirits as well.   This all makes sense, as thriving in a constantly changing world like ours requires the ability to adapt just as constantly.  We wouldn’t have survived for long as a species without this drive to adapt and grow.  Since we’re social beings, it also makes sense that to be considered valuable within a group, it helps for an individual to be good at contributing to the progress of the group, rather than just his own.  In the harsh climates of centuries past, it was extremely difficult to survive alone; if one was not important to a societal group, one’s very survival could be on the line.  Perhaps the reason we long for the adulation of others for our contributions is that, without it, we still feel vulnerable and afraid of being banished as the weakest link.  In the modern world, even though most of don’t live in tribal cultures anymore, it can still be horrifying to contemplate being deemed unimportant or unworthy by family, colleagues, friends or other communities. 

Even if we’re not as afraid as all that, it can also be frustrating to have given our all to something only to find that others don’t value it as we do, or as we thought they would.  Such miscalculations may tempt us to doubt the very abilities and results that we were proud of, and to doubt our worth.  I’m sure you’ve been through something like this, and it does not feel good!  Being out of synch with others can make you feel alone even if you're not.  It’s hard to hold onto your sense of self-worth if you continually receive the message from others that your contributions are not valued, and you're profoundly different from others. 

On the other hand, the perks of adulation, of succeeding in earning the respect of others and enjoying a good reputation, have always been worth having.  In the distant past, if you had the best reputation for valuable skills and abilities, you might have become a tribal leader with access to all the best resources.  You might have lived in the best location, had your choice of a mate, and had a disproportionate say in the decisions affecting the group.  Today, it’s not so different.  You might achieve your share of all of the above (house, spouse, platform from which to influence others), plus a lot more autonomy in directing your future separate from any group.  The prevalent cultures today favoring individualism, the universal nature of money in today’s world, and the relative ease of travel mean more personal freedom for those who now succeed in gaining respect and reputation.  You might even earn some degree of fame (the extreme version of recognition), which can open even more doors for you.  These are the very things for which people have vied across centuries.  Wars are still waged for these things by those who see no way to gain them except through force.  We humans cannot seem to help wanting the privileges that come with the respect of others across time and cultures.

In fact, in a study done by the Harvard Business Review and Tony Schwartz that surveyed nearly 20,000 people, referenced here, workers who responded that they were treated with respect by higher-ups “reported 56% better health and well-being” than those who didn’t!  So not only do we crave the respect of others, but when we don’t think we’re getting it, our very health is likely to suffer, in many cases significantly.  Plenty of other research corroborates this story.  If that’s not an argument for thinking deeply about how you can earn a more satisfactory level of appreciation from others, I don’t know what is—going without it is bad for you!

How, then, can we address a perceived lack of respect and appreciation from others?  Some ideas:

• While it’s a lot of fun to spend our time doing and creating things we enjoy ourselves, if you want appreciation from others, you’ll need to think about how your contributions benefit or please others.  Be willing to try on the way others think, even if it’s foreign to you.  You might find that doing so is a lot more fun than missing out on some of the perks discussed above.
• Once you’ve thought that through, you’ll need to work on adapting in order to provide experiences or results that others will respect and enjoy.  I am not saying that in working in this area you need to leave behind the pursuits that please you, not at all, but you may need to be receptive to the idea of branching out.
• If those from whom you most want respect are significantly different from you in values and preferences, there may come a time when you need to admit to yourself that what it would take to earn respect from them is unacceptable to you.  While this kind of impasse can be quite disappointing, there is also power in accepting that you need to find your respect and appreciation elsewhere, and let go of any fruitless power struggles; those can waste a lot of your energy, and people only really change of their own accord.  If you’re trying to make them change, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
• From a perspective shared by most of the world’s major religions, compassion for others expressed by helping someone in need for no personal gain at all is its own reward.  Yet, because this is a widely held perspective, and because receiving appropriate help and love from someone who expects no return often feels good to the receiver, this too can lead to the respect of others and a favorable reputation.  This is a different route toward these than mastery of a particular skill set.  If you lack confidence in your own ability to shine in other ways, or you are someone who is more inspired by the idea of gaining respect for having and sharing personal qualities such as kindness and generosity, then you can bolster this area of your life by focusing on giving more while still maintaining your own health and balance.

Earning the respect of others is a collaborative process.  It requires listening and responding to feedback.  You have to be willing to find ways to surprise, delight, and benefit others, and to enjoy the process of co-creation.  The good news is that in many ways we are hard-wired to cooperate for mutual benefit, and when we do receive the approbation of others, it tends to be a pretty darned enjoyable experience.  It won’t do to ignore your own opinion of yourself; that must be maintained through meaningful accomplishments and the expression of personal qualities that you yourself can decide are valuable.  But the innate desire we have to be considered worthy by others is important to our happiness and health.  If this area of your life feels a bit empty, you may make big gains in your overall satisfaction by spending some time in consideration of how to improve it followed by some tailored action.  I wish you great success in your efforts to value yourself and to be appreciated for your work and your fine qualities. 

The Upward Path

“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.”

— Michelangelo

Among the needs that humans have in the esteem category is the need to feel our own capacity, in other words our ability to handle life as its events wash over us.  We all long to feel that we are enough.  In fact, in my work with clients, I often find that most of us have a deep-seated horror of not being enough that keeps us in a lack mentality, which in turn continually stimulates the body’s stress response.  Numerous factors can feed this vicious cycle, including the amped-up messages we receive daily in many modern cultures that no one is ever enough, that we must all be striving to be the best at all things all the time—which of course is a losing battle, because no one person ever could be.  In the end, no one else can decide for you that you are enough.  You must simply decide yourself that you are.  Maslowe identified several ways in which we seek satisfaction in the process of making this decision, some of which we’ve already covered, some of which we address this week, and some of which we’ll look at next week.  Since the highest rung on the ladder of capacity that can be achieved through learning and practice is generally known as mastery, that is where we will set our sights today.  This is within the reach of most of us, and a worthy goal to strive for.

One can be a master of information, or of practice, or of both.  Someone can have expert-level understanding of a subject matter area, yet be unable to produce results in that area.  That person is still a master of intellectual knowledge, and that can be incredibly useful if applied in some way or passed on to others who can apply it.  Someone else can be a master of doing something with a high degree of excellence, but be unable to explain it, and lack the benefits that come with studying widely on the subject.  He may have focused on results only, and sought only the coaching and information that was absolutely necessary to keep moving forward.  This too can be extremely useful, as this kind of mastery leaves a trail that others can analyze and duplicate, and again pass on to others.  The master who is most revered, though, is often the one who both understands a subject deeply and can demonstrate that knowledge through action and the creation of exceptional outcomes.  This person is often widely influential.  She is likely to receive feedback from others to that effect, which helps her to feel significant—but that’s next week’s topic!  I’m getting ahead of myself.

Thoreau famously claimed, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” and I think most of us know all too well what he was getting at.  Many people fail to find ways to live with purpose, verve, and the feelings of self-esteem we’re addressing here.  So if we all desire feelings of competence, and building mastery in any area is helpful in producing those feelings, why don’t more of us commit to striving for mastery?  Well, how about:  Life is not easy, first of all.  Second, if we are not stubbornly purposeful about setting a course and continually working to stay on it, it’s so darned easy to be distracted by what others want for us, by the demands of others, by pain, by pleasure, by loud noises, and heck, by shiny objects!  You name it, we’re curious about it.  And that’s fine.  That’s all part of life.  But if we don’t allow ourselves to apply our innate abilities to the pursuit of mastery, we miss out on one of the grander adventures it’s possible to have on this planet.

The process of blossoming into mastery is one filled with drama.  I remember years ago hearing Marianne Williamson make the distinction between the “cheap drama” that prevails when you’re living a petty, childish, self-absorbed life, and the worthy drama that remains part of your experience when you’ve grown into a more authentic, mature person.  (I’m paraphrasing from memory here, so apologies to Ms. Williamson if something is lost in my translation.)  I loved this concept, and I think this applies to growing into mastery as well.  Truly mastering nearly anything requires treading a long road that includes difficulty and constant effort and change.  It includes learning from others who are available to you, even when you know they’re not the best teachers or you don’t love their personalities.  It also includes the necessity of eventually throwing off the strictures of what has been done before, just as a teenager must assert personal independence through acts of rebellion (on whatever scale) in order to become an adult.  There will be times when you have support and help, and others when you don’t; portions of the road will inevitably be lonely and dark.  At times your prospects will seem hopeless as you hit barriers that seem final.  You will lose things along the way, which is part of the price of the journey.  You will gain many others, including successes and personal strengths that can’t be taken from you.  The empowerment that results from reaching the mountaintop at the end of the road is one of life’s peak experiences (another concept originated by Maslowe, by the way—what a guy).  If you ask anyone who you consider to be a master of a subject or a skill set, I think you’ll find that his or her story of the path that lead to mastery was full of ups and downs, and expressed the truly meaningful drama inherent in striving for excellence through exhilarating highs and frightening lows.

While some of this may sound pretty good, the hard parts are no joke.  Most of us are never taught the skills that make up the strength known as discipline.  Most of us are petrified of discomfort, for instance, and are never given strategies for dealing with it in a healthy manner so that we can keep moving toward our mountaintop.  Most of us lack basic knowledge about maintaining the health and balance of the body, mind, emotions and spirit.  Many of us were never shown the basics of organization, which is necessary for keeping everything together through a long and taxing effort.  Many of us were not instructed in the development of focus and techniques on restoring it when it has evaporated.  You can expect more on these topics in blogs up ahead.  But those who are keenly aware that they are missing essential pieces in these areas will lack the confidence to take on a process that can be as grueling as the effort toward mastery.

For those who do venture out onto the path, and who persevere through all the strangeness they encounter, life becomes far fuller and richer.  Whatever they are able to achieve is far more than they had before, and more than those who never try will ever have.  Now, I believe all human life has value, and that we need not be on a path toward mastery in order to be worthy.  We still have the power to decide for ourselves that we are worthy for any reason or no reason at all, and in fact I recommend it!  Doing so tends to immediately make life feel better, and that tends to enliven our energy and creativity, which in my world is pretty much always a good thing.  But if we are able, why not try to wring the most juice out of life that we can?  Feeling that we are competent, that we have done good things, and that we can do more is a major component of building self-esteem.  Why not reach for something grand and see how far we can climb?

It’s worthy of mention that yet higher than mastery is the realm of genius, but that is reached only when mastery is combined with natural talent to yield the astonishing feats of someone at the pinnacle of his or her area of endeavor.  Therefore, as you consider what to master, I highly recommend choosing something that ignites your curiosity with the flame of passion.  When you love a subject, learning is a joy, even a happy compulsion.  It will be a lot easier to keep going if you always have that flame keeping you lit from within.  It will also attract others with its brilliance and power, which can open up opportunities as you reach milestones and require new resources.  Now, off you go!  If you’re not yet on the path to mastery, dig deep for ideas about where you can place your target.  The pace and the goal are entirely up to you, and your business only.  What mountain do you want to scale?  What's a tiny step you can take to begin?

*I was influenced in this post by some of the resources listed here, including a great book called Mastery.

Ever a New Summit

“Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

Another among the esteem needs that Maslowe wrote about is a sense of achievement.  This is an important factor in our conviction of self-worth, both because human beings are built with a natural drive toward creativity they long to satisfy, and because most cultures revere those who have achieved unique and groundbreaking results.  It’s worth periodically looking at how you’re feeling about what you’ve achieved in the course of your life so that you can address your innate desire for a sense of achievement; doing this helps to show the way toward keeping your self-esteem at healthy levels.

So what is achievement?  Dictionary.com defines it as, “Something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort, great courage, etc.; a great or heroic deed.”  So this is no walk in the park—it needs to be an accomplishment that required unusual innate qualities, or strife, or both.  And who decides what it should be and when the criteria for accomplishment have been met?  In the context of a discussion about self-esteem, only you decide what an achievement is and when you’ve attained it.  Others will have opinions about what you’ve done, and that will most likely impact your self-assessment to some degree, which we’ll discuss in later blogs in this category.  But no one can ultimately decide for you when to be satisfied with your own performance.  That is your responsibility, and the process of deciding shapes both your life and your opinion of yourself.  This is where clearly defined goals can be useful.  If you have taken some time to think through what you want to the best of your current abilities, it’s far easier to direct yourself along the path to the finish, and to be certain about when you’ve arrived.  If you haven’t clarified your goals, you are far more likely to encounter confusion about where to go, what to do, and when you’ve accomplished something about which you can feel satisfied.

Here are a few other factors that will impact how you feel about your accomplishments:

·      Was the goal something you really wanted to pursue?

Most likely you’ve had the experience of having put considerable time and effort behind something that didn’t bring you the satisfaction you originally expected when you finally achieved it.  This can happen for numerous reasons, such as:

o   It was never really expressive of you.  Someone else wanted this for you, and you went along, either to make them happy, or because you thought it was a good idea, but you never noticed that your own passion was never truly engaged.

o   Somewhere along the way it would have been appropriate to adjust the goal, but you refused to do so for whatever reason.  People do and must grow and change.  It’s normal to realize once you’re in the middle of an effort that your expectations or process need to adjust in order to keep pace with what’s true for you.  A goal is meant to draw you forward, not lock you rigidly in place.

o   Your goal was not worthy of all the time and effort you poured into it.  If you spent years on a complicated revenge scheme, you might eventually achieve it.  However, if you felt satisfaction at the result, there would also be shame mixed in; you would know that your achievement spoke of your own unresolved pain and pettiness.  If you had, instead, taken steps to express your pain, forgive over time, and protect others from injustice, you would likely have felt satisfaction that was clean and clear of internal conflict.

·      Was the process enjoyable?

o   If the process of getting to your goal was not enjoyable, you may have forgotten to build fun into your process.  Sometimes we think that only through suffering can we create results that are glorious.  While it’s true that the application of discipline required to achieve things that fit the dictionary definition of achievement will probably result in some discomfort, it’s also important to be able to enjoy your life during the times that you’re waiting for the gratification at the end of your road.  All of it is your life, not just the occasional end point of an extended effort.

o   If you hated every minute of working toward the goal, once you achieve it you are most likely exhausted, depleted, and in the habit of being in a bad mood.  You may also have convinced yourself that this is the only way anyone gets anything done, and that life is grim and difficult (if you didn’t already believe these things before).

o   Was someone else trying to control you throughout the process?  If so, you’ll end up with a strong flavor of resentment about the whole experience, even if you like the end result.

·      Does your goal result in a satisfactory change in your life?

o   If you thought that your achievement would result in a harvest that didn’t appear, you’re likely to feel frustrated even if you feel great about what you did.  Sometimes we follow in others’ footsteps and expect to have the same experiences, which doesn’t always happen.  Sometimes we pin our fantasies to our goals, such as fame and unreasonable fortune, and are surprised when the fantasy elements aren’t a part of the achievement.

o  If your goal did result in the expected harvest, it’s still possible that you didn’t end up feeling the way you thought you would about it.  We have a tendency to expect external achievements alone to change how we feel about life and about ourselves, but this discounts the inner game that we must also play in order to feel good about life.  As the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.”  You can’t outrun your own negative emotional and thought patterns.  No achievement will absolve you of the need to do the inner work that is uniquely yours. 

No matter how satisfied you are with an achievement, you will find that, as soon as it’s yours, you want something else!  This is a normal part of life as a human being.  We are creative, evolution-oriented beings who crave experience.  This is why it’s best to avoid seeing any goal as the solution to all things in your life and focus on more on a sense of enjoyment of the process—otherwise you’re missing out on the vast collection of moments that make up the majority of your existence.  People who look back at their lives in old age often regret that they were not more engaged in all the small and less significant moments of life, and that they did not take every opportunity to be present to the love and enjoyment that was available in every one of them.  It’s all important.  But if you feel unhappy about what you’ve achieved in life when you take all of it into consideration, I hope you’ll take the time to consider deeply what it is that you most want, and begin to chart a course toward it.  Working toward goals that feel great and significant is a basic human desire; if you want to live a life that feels whole, you must not neglect this.  And try to do it with zest for maximum enjoyment! 

Mr./Ms. Independence

“Independence is happiness.”

— Susan B. Anthony

Following Maslowe’s breadcrumbs, we’ve now arrived at the area of needs related to esteem.  Now that we’ve taken care of basic physiological needs, safety, and love and belongingness needs, he postulates that we will become interested in seeing our sense of self-worth reflected back to us from the world around us.  One of the achievements we long to feel that we’ve earned is independence, which allows us to know our own strength and our ability to stand alone.   While few of us prefer to feel that we must remain alone, being confident that we can handle what comes up in life is an important part of feeling like a competent, whole adult.  If it seems that we must always be relying on the support of others to make our lives run, the human spirit within has a tendency to resent the lack of freedom—even if it is we ourselves who refuse to do what is necessary to move toward independence.

When we have done the work to feel self-reliant, the confidence that results can form the basis of endless avenues of growth.  Being reasonably sure that we can produce results that consistently avoid complete disaster, we become willing to take some risks, learn by doing, take on adventures that challenge our limits.  People who have fulfilling lives have usually acclimated themselves to stretching beyond their comfort zones to some extent in following their desires and goals; this helps to keep life interesting by refreshing our perspective and encouraging creativity.  Desire and creativity are natural hallmarks of humanity.  If harnessed toward worthy goals, they are the most potent fuels we have behind our journey toward self-actualization, the highest level in Maslowe’s concept of personal evolution.

If we lack the confidence in our own competence and ability to rely on ourselves, we will find it very difficult to get anything done.  Nothing kills enthusiasm like the conviction that our efforts are doomed before we’ve even started!  The enjoyable journey toward something we’d really love to create becomes incredibly arduous, if not impossible, if we think it’s impossible to arrive.  If procrastination is something you struggle with, you’ve likely skipped some steps in the process of building your sense of independence.  If you take a look at what’s missing, you may find that filling in the gaps is just a matter of giving yourself a break from blame and worst-case scenarios, realizing that you just need some practice, and devising a simple plan to get it.  If your confidence in yourself is very low, you may need to start very small and work up incrementally, which is fine.  Whatever works to move you forward is worth doing; since it’s natural for us to have desires and use our creativity, feeling stuck in a rut is never going to be enjoyable.

The growth of independence is a natural part of human development, and most of us do gain some before adulthood.  Children who are loved, supported, and encouraged by their parents to challenge themselves appropriately throughout childhood will naturally build confidence in their abilities.  However, there are some obvious things that can go wrong, for instance:  If a parent is overprotective, the child may not be allowed to be challenged enough; if too dominant, the child may not be allowed the space to develop her own judgment and opinions; if not loving and supportive enough, the child may never feel safe enough to accept a challenge and try it on, as the idea of failure can seem disastrous if you don’t have anywhere to land; if too demanding, the child may feel that they have far too much to do already without adding elective risk in pursuit of a personal goal.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, then you may need to imagine a parent for yourself that you didn’t have.  What would the most skilled, loving parent advise you to do in order to build your own skills and confidence?  When you look back, what do you wish your parents had done (and not done) in helping you to gain independence?  Most of us can come up with some answers here without too much difficulty.  Chances are, you’ve thought many times in your life when considering your family, “Why couldn’t they have just…”  Once you have some ideas, you can use that imaginary parent as inspiration, brainstorm yourself about what you think would help you, or ask a friend you trust to help you come up with a few small steps you could take to get used to taking manageable risks toward something you want.

If you had the overprotective variety of parent, you may need to just practice taking risks at all, of any kind, like asking a stranger for the time, or taking a slightly different route to a familiar destination.  If you had the dominant parent, you might want to start writing in a journal about what you think, and what went well each day, as well as what didn’t and what you might do better next time so that you can develop your own voice.  If your parent wasn’t loving and supportive enough, then you need to build the habit of being more loving and supportive of yourself, and gather kind and caring people around you so that you can feel that it’s safe to fail here and there, and ok to take time to recover when necessary.  If you had a demanding parent, you may need to practice scaling back on busy-ness in order to create space to try some new things, and find ways to combat your judgmental inner voice.

You may also need to find a coach or a cheerleader who will take an interest in your process and share the journey the way the best possible parent for you would have done.  It’s also a great idea to get advice from an expert in your area of interest, whether in person or in book or recorded format.  This can help shorten your learning curve, which can make this process seem more likely to end in success, and thus, more fun.  As you gain experience and understanding, you can become more bold.  Keep in mind that most of us grow more quickly and easily by leveraging positive reinforcement—some kind of healthy reward for small victories, whether it’s a bubble bath or a celebratory dinner with those you love.  It also helps to share our ups and downs with others in some way.  And for many, thinking about ways in which this learning process might help others in the future can make the process more fulfilling.

No matter what childhood you had, chances are you emerged from it feeling like you missed something or other that everyone else seems to have mastered.  We often tell ourselves that we’re hopeless, even broken, because of these missing pieces.  This is clearly not an approach likely to lead to growth and happiness.  If you can isolate an area or two in which your natural development may have been arrested, even small movements forward in those areas can yield significant returns in confidence, because these movements remind us that reaching a distant goal may be possible after all.  We need to know that change and growth is possible to feel like we’re really alive.  Do yourself the honor of spending just a little time on considering what you need in order to feel more confident and independent, and I think you’ll find that your horizons broaden such that life’s prospect is suddenly much more appealing.  

The Way Toward Heath

“I believe that the greatest gift you can give your family and the world is a healthy you.”

— Joyce Meyer

In the pursuit of a life that feels safe and secure, health is an extremely important topic.  Few things can be such a distraction from a life lived on our own terms as physical pain or disease, or emotional or mental pain and dysfunction.  Tending to our health is not as simple as building walls around our property or choosing our friends wisely (though these things may have their complexities).  I would have to say that there is more misinformation and confusion around what sustains health than in virtually any other area of inquiry I can think of.  Most of us are disheartened by the sheer volume of contradictions we encounter as we do our best to take care of ourselves and our families, and the fear-mongering rhetoric designed to sell us things pertaining to our health.  There is more information available than ever before in history, but no clear consensus on what works, and we are in danger of becoming overwhelmed and giving up entirely on having the experience of balance and vitality we’re after.

Many of us did experience vibrant health as children.  If so, we have a memory of what that felt like, at least.  We know what the best-case scenario is, and we can try to recreate and support it with our best efforts.  Those of us who didn’t may feel that the quest to gain it has about as much chance of success as a search for a legendary pirate’s treasure chest.  How can you find something you’re not even sure is really possible?  More on this later.  But chances are, if you’re out of your teens, that you may have encountered some sort of health challenge, whether that’s an old injury that just never healed quite right or a chronic issue that you haven’t been fully able to resolve.

Once we’ve had this experience of an unwanted problem that interrupts our physical, mental, or emotional functioning, fear of what the future may hold often creeps in.  After all, if this could blindside us, what else is in store in this life?  If the body can betray us in this way, how can we ever trust it again?  Of course, we may have been taught to have an adversarial relationship with our bodies before there was ever injury or meaningful illness in our lives.  We learn early from our families and communities about what our bodies do, what they mean, what we can expect from them.  If we see people around us suffering and feeling disempowered about maintaining and renewing health, then we come to believe that the body is fragile, and that our health is already eroding with each birthday.  We hear messages about how as we get older, aches, pains, and illness are inevitable.  Aging starts to sound like a bad deal for us, something to dread.  Does this sound to you like a helpful mindset for living in successful partnership with your body, mind, and emotions? 

If you notice that you have negative beliefs about your ability to enjoy health, working to be healthy, or taking appropriate care of your mind, body, emotions, and spirit, what can you do about that?  As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, admitting you have a problem is the first step.  Once you’re aware that there are conditions in place in yourself that you don’t prefer, congratulations!  You are now in a position to do something about it.  While these beliefs remain unconscious and unexamined, your life is likely to proceed in much the same familiar direction.  Becoming aware of disempowering beliefs can be painful and frightening, as this tends to stir up uncomfortable memories and the emotions that go with them.  This is where it might be a good idea to get help from someone more experienced, whether that’s a psychologist, a spiritual counselor, a coach, or a book about someone else who went through something similar and can give helpful guidance.  There is enough evidence now about the very real effect that our thoughts, beliefs and emotional states have on our long-term health that we should all be taking these into account and finding new ways to optimize them if we’re serious about supporting lifelong health.

Vast numbers of books have been written, and will continue to be, about the mechanics of what you MUST do to create and maintain health.  I am not going to enter the fray here by trying to give you some seven-step process to perpetual perfection.  As someone with some experience in dealing with chronic physical pain from different sources over the course of years, I feel that the most important thing I can add to the collective pool of knowledge is that we are each unique.  There is no one-size-fits-all solution.  I give you permission now to stop looking for it.  Now, before you wail in despair that managing your own health without a formal education in medicine is too large a project for you to be taking on, let me ask you, how does it feel to be clueless about how to maintain your health?  What if you could, little by little over time, learn what your body needs until you felt your energy, harmony, and confidence beginning to overflow?

The truth is, of course, that you can.  This doesn’t happen overnight, but if you decide that it’s what you want, and start thinking in this way, you will start compiling information that will help you in your quest.  You’ll start to notice that you feel better when you eat certain foods, sleep for a certain amount of hours starting and ending at certain times, do certain kinds of physical activity.  You’ll notice that you have more energy after spending time with certain people and less after spending time with others; some activities are more energizing, others more draining.  What most of us feel best with is the creation of balance, such that you intersperse these so that you never end a day feeling too drained, and you always add in some things that energize and uplift you to keep you going.  If you’re going to eat things you know aren’t good for you, at least you learn to balance that with making sure you get some high-quality nutrition into your body every day.  It’s the noticing and the intention to support your own health that will begin to swing your trajectory in a wide arc, over time, into an entirely new direction.  Those two things have more power than you might believe.  They don’t seem like the solution to anything when you’re desperate and in pain, but they are the long-term solution to finding what you need in order to thrive.  Most of us do our best to ignore pain signals from our bodies, minds, and emotions in favor of remaining functional, because this is what we’re taught to do.  We think there’s no point in dwelling on the negative or opening up to the experience of what the pain has to tell us because we haven’t considered that there might be wisdom there.  If you have a helpful technique to use, often there is, and it’s not necessarily hard to find (ahem…Tapping…or meditation or journaling or any number of others).  As you have some success in observing, implementing small changes, and feeling positive results, it will be easier to keep activating that intent to continue learning and implementing your way to vigorous health.

If you’ve never had the experience of health that you want, or it’s been a long time since you have, and you’re feeling disappointed and pessimistic, you will need to work on your ability to trust—trust that the world is large enough to contain the ideas and guidance you want, trust that you are capable of learning and growing, and trust your body to communicate to you when you are doing something right and when you may be contributing negatively to the issue at hand.  Read stories or watch movies about others who have triumphed in any situation for inspiration.  Allow yourself to relax for at least a few minutes a day and imagine how good it will feel to, well, feel good; really allow yourself to enjoy the experience of imagining this.  Enlist the support of others in reminding you of problems you’ve solved in the past, and all the fine qualities you have that can help you in moving forward this time.  Make sure you’re bringing some humor into your life by listening to one of the many brilliant comedians working today, spending time with someone who makes you laugh, or doing anything that tickles your funny bone.  Humor is essential to getting through hard times, and has profound healing powers of its own.

If you want to speed up you progress, then, as with anything, it’s a great idea to go do some research on what people who are considered to be successful in this arena have to offer.  Read stories about others who have had similar challenges to yours, or who are just passionate about health and sharing what they’ve learned.  Search for experts in relevant medical fields.  Find local health practitioners, including natural health experts like nutritionists and acupuncturists, who are highly rated online and seek their expertise.  Just remember that you are not everyone else.  What has worked for many others may not work for you, and vice versa.  If you’re really after health security, you’ll need to commit to firing up a lifelong curiosity about how to support your health as you continue to balance all the other areas of your life.

I wish I could say that I have all the answers and I can make it easy for you from this day forward to maintain glowing good health throughout your life.  I believe that the truth is that you are the only one who can chart the appropriate path to this goal, but there is support available for you every step of the way.  No one else could do this for you even if they wanted to, because the responsibility for the choices you make every day will always rest with you.  I think you’ll find that over time, as you grow to trust in your ability to care for yourself successfully, you’ll enjoy the ability to make your own choices and strike your own balance as a privilege.  The process will cease to be so overwhelming and become more satisfying, and you will become a source of information and guidance for others.  With no disrespect to the wisdom inherent in the Star Trek franchise, I say that I think that in today’s world the healthy functioning of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual unit is really still the final frontier, practically speaking.  Most of us aren’t ready to move beyond this challenge into the realm of space—currently an inspiring, fantastical, glorious avoidance of the fact that we’re not even able to get our basic selves together!  We still have so much to learn about doing a decent job of being healthy humans on this planet.  This is a challenge that’s worthy of us too.  By all means, let’s keep dreaming big, but let’s also do the work to buoy ourselves up long enough to get to our biggest goals by attending to the unglamorous bits too.  May you have the most radiant health this week, this month, this life!  Feel free to comment below on anything you find to be a particularly helpful part of your own health regimen for the benefit of others.

Money, Honey!

“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

— Mark Twain

Continuing to follow along with Maslowe’s concept about the needs we must take care of before we can really thrive as a total human being, in this week’s blog, we’ll take a look at another aspect of security:  Your ability to make enough money to support yourself and your family.  We’re not talking here about your ability to live the most abundant life possible, as that will be for a later post.  This one will be about how to create the feeling that you can always handle your basic financial needs.

Your feelings about making money, saving money, and spending money are shaped most profoundly by what you were taught experientially by your family.  If you saw your parents and other family members struggling to make and have enough money, then you most likely learned that making money is hard, and that not having enough is something to be feared.  If you watched their fortunes go up and down, you probably came away from that experience feeling that money is fickle, and one can as easily lose it as gain it.  If you were often told that your family couldn’t afford the things you wanted, then you may have learned to resent money as a concept altogether.  I’m sure you can see that these attitudes that so many of us learn about money are not at all helpful in our quest to feel safe and secure enough to pursue the life goals that most excite us.

With these attitudes in tow, we are far more likely to talk ourselves out of taking even small risks in moving toward our goals.  We will tend to move through life with a sense of fear and pessimism about our possible monetary outcomes.  We are likely to feel that we’re not equal to the task of providing for ourselves and those we love during changing times.  All of this will sap our energy and enthusiasm for life in ways it’s hard to fully comprehend until we’re able to finally find ways to transform these beliefs and attitudes.

As far as monetary skills, some of us are lucky enough to have been taught some of these at home.  If you did learn some basics about balancing a checkbook or budgeting, for instance, then you may have built some confidence around your ability to handle money.  If you were allowed to participate in discussions about financial decisions, then you probably built more there.  Those of us who were very fortunate may have learned about investing, or how to run a business. It’s also possible that you learned some things at school that were relevant to finance.  You may have had classes in junior high or high school that touched on the basics of earning and using money.  You may have elected to take classes in college about business and finance.  All of these create advantages that help us to feel competent in the financial arena of life.  Unfortunately, many of us come through our schooling with little to no practical learning about financial matters such that we lack confidence and a sense of literacy in this extremely important area.  If you didn’t learn these early, you may still be struggling to learn them now, but there are resources available to help you at every turn if you are willing to look and learn from them.  It’s not hopeless, even if you’re not where you want to be!

Once we enter the workforce, we start learning through trial by fire if we’re still relatively clueless at that point.  Now we are responsible for earning money and paying our expenses.  We’re likely motivated by both needs and desires to make ends meet.  We start gaining valuable on-the-job skills, and realizing that some of the things we picked up along the way, like social and communication skills, have very real practical value on the job.  If we’re willing to continue learning and stay flexible, we can often parlay our gains in experience into better job opportunities or entrepreneurial ventures.  If we stop learning or aren’t assertive in looking for expanding opportunities, for whatever reason, then we’re not building the confidence in our ability to earn that would help us to create the important sense of security we’re after.

Another way to build confidence in your ability to support yourself is through life experiences in areas not related to income.  Say you encounter a health challenge and are able to make lifestyle and attitude changes to help you in regaining vibrancy as you follow a recommended course of treatment.  Rising to the occasion has taught you that you have power within the circumstances that present themselves in your life; you have the ability to roll with the punches and come out better than before, with new knowledge, skills, and belief in yourself.  Or say you have a serious issue in a relationship with someone close to you, and you confront it and take action to improve the relationship.  While the skills you learned in doing so may not seem immediately relative to your income, you will often gain faith in your ability to handle whatever comes to you in the future.  And you may also find that those skills will eventually help you in your moneymaking ventures down the line.  Things that you are particularly good at in life have a way of making themselves useful in surprising ways. 

The world we live in has changed so much, and so rapidly, that many of us were never formally prepared for the kind of economy in which we now must function.  It wasn’t long ago that the norm was for a worker to spend 30 or more years working at the same company and retiring with a financial package designed to keep him going for the rest of his life.  Now the norm for a similar worker is to move to a different job, and often workplace, every few years.  She is now responsible for her own retirement income.  We are at a distinct disadvantage if we’re not good at negotiating and selling ourselves and our talents, or if we’re afraid to try new things and branch out into different kinds of work.  Things move quickly in this economy, and sometimes it’s necessary to regroup and take an opportunity that’s being offered even if it’s not what you were looking for.  It’s possible to leverage every step you make into more of what you want, but sometimes patience is required.

If you want to feel a sense of security that will free you, here are the items I recommend considering:

• Take stock of your financial skills.  Do you know how to budget, balance a checkbook, organize your yearly information to get your taxes filed?  If not, spend some time on basic financial literacy.  These skills are essential to feeling secure around money.
• Learn about the basics of investing.  What are some of the kinds of investments available?  It can be very helpful to ask people you know about what investment ideas they’ve come across and chosen to use.  Obviously, it’s better to ask people who seem like they’re doing relatively well financially!  You may not put this research to use right away, but the more comfortable you become with investing concepts, the more easily you will be able to make good choices when it’s time.
• Regularly take stock of your marketable skills and update your resume.  Often we don’t give ourselves credit for the skills we’re constantly learning in the course of life and work.
• Think about skills you have that you might not normally include on a resume, but that help you to remember that you can be flexible, and that you have learned and grown all throughout your life.  If you don’t like trying new things, find ways to stretch outside your comfort zone, and make an effort to enjoy the thrill of the novelty. 
• Have the courage to examine the beliefs you were taught about money and your ability to have enough.  Find a process you can follow to transform any that are clearly not helpful.  Often this process yields tremendous gains in your confidence and ability to excel going forward! My favorite way to address this is through Tapping, which can help you to quickly gain clarity and improve your money-related beliefs, but there are many possible paths to the same result.  Find one that appeals to you and do this essential work.

I hope this post has given you a few things to think about as you work toward creating a sense of confidence in your financial safety and security.  Until next time, I wish you and your family all monetary happiness!

There's No Place Like Home, Part II

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”

— Maya Angelou

In the last blog, we examined the importance of your feelings of safety from the outside world while you're at home. This week, we'll talk about maintaining a safe, secure environment inside the home, which is just as vital to your health and happiness for all the same reasons.  There are two aspects of safety we’ll touch on, both physical and emotional safety; both need attention if we are to feel that we are truly free to reach confidently for the things we most desire out of life.

When we're spending time in at home, in the space that's supposed to be just for us, we deserve to feel supported, loved, understood, and protected.  We live in environments that we ourselves have created in our imperfect image—we are constantly confronted with the choices that have made it what it is; we've made these choices over time, sometimes without even realizing that we're doing it.  The countless small decisions of the past add up to an effect that we feel every time we open the door.  Let’s take a few moments to consider what you’ve established and whether you feel good about it.  For instance, do you feel comfortable with how being at home generally feels to you?  With the way you spend your time there?  With the others who populate the world of your home? If not, you have the power to modify the conditions inside your home to improve your comfort and safety.

The louder of the two aspects of safety is the physical—if you feel like your safety is in jeopardy because someone close to you is violent and may potentially harm you physically, this will tend to be very obvious to you, very upsetting and hard to ignore.  That’s as it should be!  Someone who can’t even treat you with the respect required to refrain from hurting you outwardly does not belong anyone near you.  Unfortunately, there are many reasons why we sometimes put up with behavior from others that is completely inappropriate.  Those may include that this person is a family member, and we can’t just choose not to be related to them anymore (it can seem unthinkable to cut someone out of your life who has been such a long-standing part of your life.)  It may be that we love and care for this person, even feel that we understand them, and so we wish to be a loving influence in their lives.  It may be that we fear change and are afraid to be alone.  Whatever the reason you might give, there is a lot of great information out there in the world on dealing with abusive relationships, and while I certainly hope that you’re not a part of anything that looks like this, if you are, there is help for you.  I encourage you to go find it.  No one should have to live in fear for their physical safety.

On a slightly different note, it is also possible to feel physically threatened by a pet that lives with you.  Sometimes it’s necessary to be honest with yourself and admit that a pet that seemed like a good idea at one time is not conducive to your happiness and safety any longer.  This can be very difficult for some of the same reasons as described above regarding threatening people.  Our pets are family to many of us, and recognizing that a relationship with one isn’t healthy and taking action to correct the situation can be extremely painful.  However, it may be easier to change/”train” a pet than a human, so if this is your issue, you may want to look into getting professional help with the animal’s behavior.  You’ll still need to be ready to make a new choice if the relationship feels threatening after your best efforts.  Your safety, again, should come first.

In order to create an environment that really feels safe and secure from the inside, we must also consider the emotional quality of our relationships with people, as they are at the core of our home's overall effect on us.  If you feel that those who figure importantly in your time at home are likely to attack you, your choices, your character, you are not going to be able to enjoy the sense of harmony from which you can be at your best, see clearly, have good ideas, and live a high-functioning life.

·      Most importantly, who gets to live in your personal space with you? As anyone who has ever had a bad, or even just incompatible, roommate knows, this affects so many areas of daily life.  If someone in our space is at cross purposes with us, it can seem like the whole world is opposing our every move!  On the other hand, if you enjoy the people you live with, you get to experience a sense that life is more fun because you’re not alone; you get to feel that others are looking out for you and the home base you share.  Ideally, those you live with love and support you in such a way that you feel seen and accepted for who you are when you're around them.  If this in not what you generally feel at home, you are dealing with unnecessary stress and dissonance, and you can improve your happiness dramatically by giving some thought to the situation and taking appropriate corrective action.

·      Who visits regularly?  Who else you allow into your space with regularity also has a lot of bearing on how you will feel at home.  If you’re allowing people into your personal space who don’t seem to be on your side, people who are judgmental, selfish, or overly demanding, you will begin to feel that you cannot relax even at home.  It will be hard to rest and enjoy downtime there.  Again, you are inviting stress into your experience that could be eliminated through the establishment of some better rules about how you use your home.

·      Who calls your home number and expects you to pick up the phone?  You train others to expect your time and attention by demonstrating when you’re available to them, as well as, in this case, giving out your digits in the first place.  If you’re in the habit of giving away all your time and energy to others over the phone when you’re at home, this is another way in which you may be creating a home environment that doesn’t feel safe, calm, and supportive to you.  While I’m not suggesting that you should act like a hermit and refuse to talk to anyone once you’re home, I do think it’s important to make sure you get some time to yourself regularly that’s free of unwelcome demands.  You decide what time you will give to your community of friends and family, and must make sure you communicate what time is off limits.

·      Who has a key and can let themselves in?  This level of trust belongs only with those you know you can trust no matter what, and it pays to be very selective on this count. 

If a relationship with a family member or other roommate is not supportive to you, and you want to restore your feelings of safety, you'll need to find a way to communicate your experience and ask for changes.  This is an area in which we tend to be woefully uneducated, and the idea of confronting others about what’s not working can be frightening because we’re not confident that we can lead the situation to a helpful resolution.  There are many excellent books available on building your communication skills, and I highly recommend that you make it a priority to brush up on them if you ever have trouble talking to people in your life about important subjects—and who doesn’t, really?  One of the books I like to recommend is Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, because it deals specifically with isolating the bad habits we usually fall into when attempting to communicate important content and finding ways to break out of them.  I think that communication skills are a critic necessity for living a happy life, and I encourage you to consider yourself a lifelong learner here.  Being able to accurately and confidently express yourself makes it possible to achieve so much more in your life.  You deserve to be able to handle whatever comes up with other people in the most constructive way possible.

Beyond verbal discussion, there may come a time when you need to set some boundaries and enforce them in order to create a sense of lasting safety for yourself.  Again, many of us have not been trained in confidently discerning and putting into place the boundaries we need.  If you are in a situation that feels bad to you, particularly at home, and you don’t see a way to resolve it, you’ll need to find an advisor to help you find a way through.  A smart, balanced friend or family member or a professional counselor of some kind can help you to see the situation more clearly and find the course of action that is most appropriate for you.

Taking some time to review how safe you feel at home, both physically and emotionally, is extremely important to the overall quality of your life.  It’s very difficult to be your best self if you don’t feel that you have a place to be in your downtime that is basically supportive and peaceful for you.  Please allow yourself to really consider this and see if anything stands out to you as needing your attention.  Confronting these issues can be most uncomfortable, but is well worth it in the long run.  Proving to yourself that you can improve this aspect of your life will improve your confidence in yourself and your ability to improve other areas of your life as well.