It's a...Bunny Suit?
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”
For the next few weeks, I plan to keep my posts on the shorter side because I know that most people who read my blog are probably very busy this month! This week, I’ll just write a few words about the dynamics of giving and receiving, since gifts are on many people’s minds at the moment.
Giving and receiving graciously are skills, arts, even, that have been prized in diverse cultures throughout history. The most respected people in any culture have tended to be those able to strike a good balance between the two. Giving in effective ways necessitates being in a position to give. This requires a person to care for herself enough to have more than is necessary, whether the giving involves material goods or just time, love, and energy. It also requires having the willingness to give, which is built on emotional, mental, and spiritual management of the self. If you are fearful for your own survival, whether or not those fears are founded, you will be unwilling to give; this may be an emotional problem. Failure to manage your fears has immobilized you. If you believe that others are selfish takers who will never give back to you, you may worry that giving anything will establish a pattern that will suck you dry; this can be a spiritual/philosophical issue. If you are not willing to look for the commonalities that bind us, and the good in human nature, you will never trust others, and will not be able to create deep connections in which you can give and receive in satisfying ways. If you are constantly keeping score of who has given what, this may be a mental/ego problem. If you think that giving must always be equal based on your own personal values, which are invisible to others unless you share them, then it’s easy to work yourself into a frenzy of resentment when people close to you are just doing the best they can with the information they have.
The ability and willingness to give is a deeply ingrained cultural imperative. On some level we know that someone who doesn’t give to others is dangerous; during the eons in which almost everyone lived in small tribes or villages, every person had to pull his weight in order for the group to have the best chances of survival in a hostile environment. If you were able but not willing to give, you might have been ostracized for your selfishness, which would have made it extremely difficult for you to remain alive at all. While modern life may not operate the same way, your life will still be more difficult if you don’t find a way to be seen as an equal member of any group to which you want to belong. If you cannot give in a balanced way, you yourself may become known as a mooch! This might not threaten your survival, but it surely will threaten the health of your relationships.
The willingness to receive is also of great importance to the health of your personal relationships. Receiving what others are trying to give to you from a good-hearted place shows them that you accept and appreciate them and their efforts. If you can’t, people will come to see you as snobby or downright cruel. We’ve all received gifts that don’t excite us, but without the ability to affirm the effort and care that went in the arrangement of the gift, you will alienate others by rudely dashing their hopes of pleasing you. The trick is to put aside expectations and to attempt to see what is offered to you as an expression of love, or the desire to be loved. The person giving deserves to be treated with respect and to receive your thanks, if only for the thought! We’ve all been given a gift at some point that seems ugly or even downright insulting, but the giver may have genuinely thought it was a good one! You may also have found that lapses in your own graciousness don’t look or feel good in the rear view mirror—I know I have, and I’ve wished I could take those moments back. You’re allowed to hint to those who don’t understand what you like, and become practiced in the art of re-gifting anything you don’t love to someone else or to charity, but keeping your reactions in check when receiving is an important life skill that is worth working on no matter what the skill of the givers in your sphere. Your graciousness will, over time, earn the respect of others and make you more comfortable in all situations.
So what does balanced giving and receiving look like? A gift can be anything that shows you thought of and about the needs and desires of another person. It can be remembering what they enjoy, attempting to offer comfort when it’s clearly needed, or connecting them with something that furthers a goal they’ve expressed. Being someone who takes others into account and tries to make their lives better is part of being a respected giver. Also, your ability to share what you have in material ways is part of the picture in that others do notice what you have versus what you give, and what that says about how you value them. Of course it’s also important not to over-give, because when you do, you’ll begin to resent others. That’s no good for anyone, and only you can be the barometer of your own capacities. Giving can be a wonderfully rewarding part of life. It should feel good. If it doesn’t, it may be because you’re feeling manipulated or not valuing yourself enough to keep your giving in balance. Balanced receiving means not always being the one giving more. Some people define themselves by their ability to give. That’s not healthy either, and denying others the ability to give to you will genuinely disappoint the good-hearted people in your life. Try to appreciate the circle of giving and receiving in your life as a whole. If it feels out of balance, you can work on that, but know that the receiving aspect may not always be satisfied by those you would like to provide it. You don’t get to decree what people give. That choice is up to them. But you do deserve to get what you need and desire from your relationships, so if you’re not getting it, you can work on making some new friends.
Are you someone who receives graciously? Do you give thoughtful gifts based on what the person you’re giving to actually wants and needs? What have you’re your favorite gifts to receive and why? Things to think about as you navigate this holiday season.