So Much Happier Blog
A Happy Give and Take
“Each day offers us the gift of being a special occasion if we can simply learn that as well as giving, it is blessed to receive with grace and a grateful heart.”
Last week I sent you a video on creating a culture of helpfulness. This week, I wanted to write a few words about how to strike a balance between giving and taking. As with many dualities, most people tend to naturally gravitate to one side of the giving/receiving spectrum more than the other. That’s normal and totally fine—we all have our own personalities and mixes of talents and challenges. Some of us find ourselves wanting to give to others all the time, and others of us tend to be more focused on our own goals and finding the help we need to bring them into being. Finding what is, for you, a good balance between the two is an important component in maintaining your relationships, which are a big part of maintaining your overall happiness.
Human beings are inherently social, and have evolved to be part of complex social systems. Throughout most of human history, people who were not willing to be part of a circle of giving and receiving were placing themselves in the dangerous position of not pulling their weight, and becoming superfluous. Someone who was not fully integrated into a tribe or village ran the risk of having to fend for themselves. In a harsh world that was difficult to survive, that was not an enviable position.
Times may be different, but most of us are more fulfilled when we have a strong social support systems made up of some close friends and family members who we can rely on, and to whose lives we can also contribute in meaningful ways. With this in mind, here are a few things to consider as you strive for your appropriate balance:
Do you tend to be very driven and focused on your projects and goals? If so, you may need to remind yourself to reach out to others, ask what’s going on with them, and remember that giving to others feels great
Do you tend to give, give, give, but never take much time for yourself? You may need to encourage yourself to carve out some time for things that help you to rest, renew, be inspired, and laugh
What skills do you have that others tend to remark on and appreciate? Chances are that these are skills you like to use, so when you’re ready to give, maybe those are the ones to offer. If not, you might want to start reminding those in your social circle about the skills you do most like to share
Are you good at receiving gracefully? Or do you tend to deflect? If you’re not comfortable receiving, you are denying others the satisfaction of contributing to your life as a way of expressing love and appreciation. Remember that you’re part of a circle, and allowing them to give to you is as much an act of love sometimes as giving is
If you’re not good at receiving, you might want to think about why, and then do some Tapping on what you discover
The same goes for giving if you don’t tend to enjoy it much. The reasons why may be worth some attention, as you’re leaving your own joy and satisfaction in giving on the table along with the benefits you could be offering to the world by sharing your talents
Some people are taught that asking for help is weak. This is pretty unfortunate, since it denies you the ability to receive the help that may be all around you, and it denies others the opportunity to help create progress
On the other hand, some are taught that it’s selfish to ask for anything. Also and unfortunate and unnatural idea!
Where do you fall on this spectrum? I hope this has gotten you thinking about the ways in which you could experience more satisfaction by finding the right balance of giving and receiving for where you are in your life right now. As we head toward the holiday season, it’s a good time to rethink how you’re operating in this area and make a few new decisions if you find that you’ve been out of balance.
The Golden Rule of Gift Giving
“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.”
In recent weeks, we’ve been looking at what place giving and gratitude have in your life. This week, we’ll be combining them into the consideration of the art of giving to express gratitude. Let’s face it, most of the time (barring joke gifts, which can be fun in a whole different way) it’s far more satisfying to give gifts that delight the receiver than to give items that are a random guess and likely to provoke a lukewarm reception at best. I’ve been told by family and friends that I’m good at choosing gifts that others appreciate, so I’ll lay out a few tips below that may help you to navigate the selection of any gifts you’re planning to give this holiday season. For some people, receiving gifts may be the primary way that they perceive they’re loved (see The Five Love Languages for a full explanation of this interesting concept). For others, it’s still a way in which they may feel seen and understood if the gift addresses their most passionate interests.
Expressing love and gratitude to the people in your life is first and foremost about tuning into them. If you want your gift to be a rousing success, the golden rule is to give the recipient what he or she wants or needs to receive. If you stay focused on this, you can’t go too far astray. Here are some specific tips on how to find out where to focus your ideas:
-Listen. If you already have or are willing to build strong listening skills, gift giving is just so easy! People talk freely about what they like, what they’re working on, and what they’re hoping for. Sometimes they’ll mention outright an item or experience that will help or please them, and if it’s in your price range, you’re done!
-Ask. You can ask what’s going on with someone and what they’re into lately even if they don’t volunteer information that will help you to know. If that’s not illuminating, you can also try asking someone else who knows the person for ideas. Even if your co-conspirator doesn’t have a specific suggestion, s/he might be able to remember something that sparked your giftee’s enthusiasm recently, and then you’ll have a subject area to guide you. And bonus—often others will enjoy helping you with the process if you just ask!
-Brainstorm. This is the part that should be creative and fun for you. There will be many possible options related to any given area of interest, including things you might make, find, or buy. Depending on his personal style of dress or home decor, you might find something your giftee could wear or display that alludes to his interests. You might be able to purchase an antique or vintage item, or a book or film, that will educate or entertain. You might be able to arrange for an experience she would enjoy having all set up. If you don’t have much of a budget, you might use your own skills to create something that will be useful or beautiful; if you’re not crafty, you might enlist the help of someone who is, or someone who has a lot of other contacts who can advise you. Internet searches can help expand your ideas list instantly if you’re stuck, as can searching within a Web site that will suggest items based on another search.
-Research suppliers and acquire or make your item. Once you have your decision about what you want to give, you get to put it all together, all the while looking forward with happy anticipation to giving something that will be meaningful, and brighten up your giftee’s day.
-This part can be a little trickier because it may involve your ego, but try to remain flexible, and willing to let your giftee decide to return and exchange your gift or even to eventually regift it in the future, extending the usefulness of the item and the joy it can provide in the world. Things must come and go into and out of people’s lives if they are to remain in right relationship with their belongings. It is the loving intent behind the gift that matters most. Once you have consigned your item to this person’s collection of things, it is now up to her/him to make decisions about its best use. An important part of giving that helps everyone to feel good about the experience is allowing others to be who they are and manage their lives in a way that suits them and their greatest happiness.
The art of giving gifts that truly express your gratitude for your relationships can take some doing, but it can also be a lot of fun if you allow it to be. It’s fine to put your own spin on things, but remember that people most appreciate gifts that fall within their interests, not yours. When you show that you’ve listened for what they like, and cared enough to choose something within their areas of passion, they will feel your good intentions and appreciate your efforts. Even something small and inexpensive can end up having a great deal of meaning, and act as a constant reminder of your relationship and your regard. Many things can increase your bonds with others, and giving can be a really wonderful, enjoyable one.
Finding the Fun in Giving
“Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.”
In recent weeks, I’ve been writing about the importance of boundaries in maintaining your balance and ability to sustain progress. Now that we have a grounding in creating those, this week I want to talk about the opposite! We’re entering a season when giving is often at the forefront of people’s minds, and this can be a beautiful and fulfilling time for all of us, regardless of what set of traditions may belong to our family and loved ones. Since giving traditions are playing out all around us, it’s a great time to consider the place giving has in our lives, and whether this dynamic is in balance with the rest of what we have going on.
Appropriate boundaries allow us to greet each day as the healthy, energized people we want to be. I’m a huge fan, in this world of overwhelm, of taking regular steps to ascertain that we haven’t been slowly tempted into overextending ourselves so that we’re living run-down, miserable, barely conscious lives. On the other side of this coin, though, is the question of whether we’ve become so self-protective that we’re not taking our rightful place in the flow of life around us—not contributing our unique gifts, which our communities need, and not experiencing the deep joy of connection and reciprocity with our neighbors that is part of what’s most worthwhile about being human. Both sides of this coin are essential to sustaining our inspiration on a daily basis.
It is often through openness to giving that we find the most life-changing opportunities to expand our viewpoints and our capacity for compassion. In giving, we may find that we are called in an exciting way to become more, greater versions of ourselves, as we reach to improve the lives of others. We may find that we have more to give than we thought, that we’re capable of more than we guessed. Because human beings love to push boundaries and grow, such realizations can feed a positive cycle of giving and invigorating personal achievement that elevates everyone involved.
Receiving with a grateful heart feels amazing, but often the one on the receiving end is surprised. The one doing the giving gets to savor the anticipation of giving the gift, in addition to the moment of the reveal and the memory the exchange creates. That anticipation can bring a great deal of warmth to this period of lead-up if you allow it to. You don’t have to be giving profusely every day in order to experience the heart-opening glow of making giving an important part of your daily happiness practice; you can just spend a few minutes planning how you will give, enjoying memories of giving or receiving, or complimenting others on the fly when you recognize something you can appreciate about them. The more you start to associate giving with joy and fun, and the opportunity to bring brightness to others’ lives, the more its power will compound to bring more richness to your experience. In many traditions there are teachings about obligational giving, and guidelines reminding us about how the virtues of generosity can be helpful, but if you leave out the delight factor, everyone’s experience around giving and receiving will be dampened. Isn’t it more fun to receive a gift from someone who is obviously enjoying the gift-giving process than from someone who seems to be giving out of obligation, or with strings attached? Doesn’t it make you want to reciprocate more when a gift seems like an expression of love and appreciation? Do you see how when everyone gives with joy, the result is a force, a wave that travels outward carrying greater potential to everyone it touches?
If you are looking to live a happy, inspired life, you need to balance your self-care and your habits around giving. Both are necessary in order to keep your physical, mental, and emotional states at optimal levels. Each of us may find that a different mix of giving and receiving is appropriate at any given time, as what we need and what we can give will fluctuate based on the innumerable factors that make up a life, and that’s ok. As long as you’re remembering to consider these two sides of the coin when you have choices to make, chances are good that you’ll choose well and continue to learn and grow in joy and potential and balance, doing your part in creating a better world for everyone.
That's Nice, Dear
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Two weeks ago, I blogged about creating a balance in life between giving and receiving; we looked at how to be an insightful giver, and also a gracious receiver. This week, I want to address one of the things that can go wrong with this balance. What can be done when something less concrete that we very much want to give, such as a personal talent or message, is not well received? This becomes a core issue for many people, and one that often causes a great deal of pain, because it gets to the heart of the ways in which we define and value ourselves.
The roots of this problem are usually planted in childhood, but they can be attached to any time period in which we chose to give something personal and precious to us only to have it rejected or minimized by someone else—or many others. One of the difficulties of being alive is that we are born as beginners at everything. Anytime we try something new, we risk failure and humiliation to some extent. If you’re alive for more than a few years, chances are you’re going to have an experience in which you do something you think is beautiful, only to have someone stomp all over your enthusiasm and let you know just how mediocre your effort seems in their eyes. The difficulty really sets in when that person is someone whose good opinion is deeply important to you, or when what you’re giving seems like a fundamental part of yourself, and no one seems to get it.
It’s natural for human beings to want to give of the best of ourselves and to be acknowledged and appreciated for that. Some of the tensions that tend to come up around the holidays have to do with not being seen and acknowledged by family and friends the way we want to be, the way we feel we deserve to be for what is best in us. So here are a few things to try if you find yourself in this position:
· Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder—beauty that is very plainly visible to you may be invisible to someone else because everyone’s worldview is colored by natural tendencies, upbringing, and experience. It’s extra-hard to remember this when what you want those close to you to see is you, but try to acknowledge that other sane opinions than yours are possible, and have compassion for their selective blindness if you can. No doubt someone has tried, at some point, to convince you of the great value of something that you just don’t care for. As my family used to say, this is why they make chocolate and vanilla. Not everyone has to like everything. Work to accept that, sometimes, important people in your life will not fully understand everything that’s important to you.
· If you’re not getting the appreciation you think you deserve for what you have to give, ask yourself if what you’re giving is really as great as you think it is. Be willing to get some friendly feedback from people you trust and who do appreciate you generally, or from an expert adviser whose opinion you respect. They may be able to point out ways in which your honing a skill or two would help others to appreciate your offerings. You can choose see targeting what you have to give to an obstinate person as a challenge that might help you, and learn from the experience. The feedback you get also might confirm that what you’re giving is pretty wonderful already, and it’s just not that obstinate person’s cup of tea. If so, go back to the first point above.
· For the sake of your fulfillment and self-respect, go find some other people who think what you have to give is amazing. There are clubs and organizations for practically everything under the sun. If you put in some work, I can virtually guarantee that you will find some fellow humans who will be delighted with what you have to offer. Get your appreciation from people who truly want to give it, and release those who don’t from attempts at manipulation. Everyone will be happier. I’m not saying it’s easy to stop wanting acknowledgement from people close to you, but the happier you are about yourself, the less you’ll need it—and paradoxically, the more likely they are to come around at some point in the future as you gain confidence and the appreciation of others.
Giving of who you are and what is best about you is an important part of a balanced, happy life. If you’re not feeling that enough other people know, truly see, and acknowledge the goodness you have to give, then this is a worthy area for effort and growth. You have unique qualities that will add to the life experiences of others in positive ways. You’re in the best position to know what those are based on your talents and passions. Don’t give up. Keep learning and be willing to make new connections, and you’ll eventually make progress in finding the appreciation you deserve.
It's a...Bunny Suit?
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”
For the next few weeks, I plan to keep my posts on the shorter side because I know that most people who read my blog are probably very busy this month! This week, I’ll just write a few words about the dynamics of giving and receiving, since gifts are on many people’s minds at the moment.
Giving and receiving graciously are skills, arts, even, that have been prized in diverse cultures throughout history. The most respected people in any culture have tended to be those able to strike a good balance between the two. Giving in effective ways necessitates being in a position to give. This requires a person to care for herself enough to have more than is necessary, whether the giving involves material goods or just time, love, and energy. It also requires having the willingness to give, which is built on emotional, mental, and spiritual management of the self. If you are fearful for your own survival, whether or not those fears are founded, you will be unwilling to give; this may be an emotional problem. Failure to manage your fears has immobilized you. If you believe that others are selfish takers who will never give back to you, you may worry that giving anything will establish a pattern that will suck you dry; this can be a spiritual/philosophical issue. If you are not willing to look for the commonalities that bind us, and the good in human nature, you will never trust others, and will not be able to create deep connections in which you can give and receive in satisfying ways. If you are constantly keeping score of who has given what, this may be a mental/ego problem. If you think that giving must always be equal based on your own personal values, which are invisible to others unless you share them, then it’s easy to work yourself into a frenzy of resentment when people close to you are just doing the best they can with the information they have.
The ability and willingness to give is a deeply ingrained cultural imperative. On some level we know that someone who doesn’t give to others is dangerous; during the eons in which almost everyone lived in small tribes or villages, every person had to pull his weight in order for the group to have the best chances of survival in a hostile environment. If you were able but not willing to give, you might have been ostracized for your selfishness, which would have made it extremely difficult for you to remain alive at all. While modern life may not operate the same way, your life will still be more difficult if you don’t find a way to be seen as an equal member of any group to which you want to belong. If you cannot give in a balanced way, you yourself may become known as a mooch! This might not threaten your survival, but it surely will threaten the health of your relationships.
The willingness to receive is also of great importance to the health of your personal relationships. Receiving what others are trying to give to you from a good-hearted place shows them that you accept and appreciate them and their efforts. If you can’t, people will come to see you as snobby or downright cruel. We’ve all received gifts that don’t excite us, but without the ability to affirm the effort and care that went in the arrangement of the gift, you will alienate others by rudely dashing their hopes of pleasing you. The trick is to put aside expectations and to attempt to see what is offered to you as an expression of love, or the desire to be loved. The person giving deserves to be treated with respect and to receive your thanks, if only for the thought! We’ve all been given a gift at some point that seems ugly or even downright insulting, but the giver may have genuinely thought it was a good one! You may also have found that lapses in your own graciousness don’t look or feel good in the rear view mirror—I know I have, and I’ve wished I could take those moments back. You’re allowed to hint to those who don’t understand what you like, and become practiced in the art of re-gifting anything you don’t love to someone else or to charity, but keeping your reactions in check when receiving is an important life skill that is worth working on no matter what the skill of the givers in your sphere. Your graciousness will, over time, earn the respect of others and make you more comfortable in all situations.
So what does balanced giving and receiving look like? A gift can be anything that shows you thought of and about the needs and desires of another person. It can be remembering what they enjoy, attempting to offer comfort when it’s clearly needed, or connecting them with something that furthers a goal they’ve expressed. Being someone who takes others into account and tries to make their lives better is part of being a respected giver. Also, your ability to share what you have in material ways is part of the picture in that others do notice what you have versus what you give, and what that says about how you value them. Of course it’s also important not to over-give, because when you do, you’ll begin to resent others. That’s no good for anyone, and only you can be the barometer of your own capacities. Giving can be a wonderfully rewarding part of life. It should feel good. If it doesn’t, it may be because you’re feeling manipulated or not valuing yourself enough to keep your giving in balance. Balanced receiving means not always being the one giving more. Some people define themselves by their ability to give. That’s not healthy either, and denying others the ability to give to you will genuinely disappoint the good-hearted people in your life. Try to appreciate the circle of giving and receiving in your life as a whole. If it feels out of balance, you can work on that, but know that the receiving aspect may not always be satisfied by those you would like to provide it. You don’t get to decree what people give. That choice is up to them. But you do deserve to get what you need and desire from your relationships, so if you’re not getting it, you can work on making some new friends.
Are you someone who receives graciously? Do you give thoughtful gifts based on what the person you’re giving to actually wants and needs? What have you’re your favorite gifts to receive and why? Things to think about as you navigate this holiday season.