Should I Help?
“Condemn none: if you can stretch out a helping hand, do so. If you cannot, fold your hands, bless your brothers, and let them go their own way.”
All of us are good at some things and less good at others. In the areas where you’re highly competent, it can be tempting to attempt to “help” and guide others, basically just because you can; if you’re empathetic, and you’re aware of the pain that’s involved in someone else’s struggle, it can also seem like you have an obligation to help. The call toward alleviating suffering where you see it may be part of your spiritual outlook, or you may enjoy taking the opportunity to save others time and shorten their labors with your expertise. This desire generally comes from a kind-hearted place, and it spurs many of us to do a lot of good in the course of daily life. But is it ever inappropriate to help?
I think the answer to this comes down to respecting the concept of free will. “Help” is actually helpful only when it is offered and accepted freely, generously, and without coercion. The exception to the rule might be if someone is in a state of emergency and you either know the person well enough to recognize a need that they are not capable of handling, or you can clearly see that they are in legitimate danger of serious injury. Children too young to be aware of the consequences of their actions would also be an exception. Otherwise, difficult as it may be to see others struggle, it’s generally not your job to override someone else’s choices and timing. Once you’ve made yourself available for substantive assistance, it may be necessary to step back and allow them to learn through experience if that’s what they choose. Some lessons only stick if they’re learned this way anyway, frustrating as that might be to the observer!
Most spiritual traditions include the concept of acceptance—not as in, you must accept a condition you don’t like and never seek solutions, but as in, it’s important to be able to find a place of calm and acceptance within yourself. This might be through meditation, prayer, deep breathing, a physical practice like yoga, journaling, or whatever works for you. If you formulate a plan and take action without having done so first, you risk making decisions from a reactive, fearful place, which is not the best state from which to deliver your best and brightest offerings. If a life-and-death decision doesn't need to be made, and you don’t feel able to accept rejection of your help by the other person, then you might want to save the offer until you do. I also believe that there are times when it’s not appropriate to offer help because you are not capable of doing a good job with the task at that moment. If you are overwhelmed, very tired, or emotionally overwrought yourself, it’s probably best to attend to your own needs before trying to assist someone else. Another consideration is whether this particular person or situation seems like a good match for your skills and your passion. There is someone out there who would love to help in any given kind of situation, and leave the endeavor feeling wonderful and energized in some way. In other situations that same person would feel overwhelmed, frightened, and find themselves shutting down, becoming a burden themselves. It’s a good idea to get to know your strengths, and to consider whether this situation is one in which you can be helpful, or whether it requires skills and qualities you don’t possess. If someone needs a surgeon, and you’ve never had a day of medical training in your life, if you want to help, you need to spend your time in handling basic first aid and getting them to that surgeon—not trying to handle the situation yourself. Most people appreciate an offer of help when it comes from a calm desire to do them a good turn (even if there would be payment of some sort involved) rather than a need to have the offer accepted. When you bring a sense of distress and need into your offer, the person on the receiving end may feel that you’re trying to manipulate them, and run in the other direction! Then an opportunity that might have been rewarding for both parties is lost, at least temporarily.
On the other hand, if someone knows that you’re on the sidelines willing and waiting to help whenever they need it, that can be tremendously reassuring. When you don’t overstep or force yourself into their process, you become someone who will be very easy to turn to when the person is ready to accept help. In the meantime, you can just listen and celebrate the person’s wins, and still be a supportive part of getting them to the finish line. This can be quite challenging, and we may all become overzealous at times because of our own internal baggage; if you find that you have gone overboard, an apology and affirmation that you have faith in the other person goes a long way. Afterward it might be useful to take a look at why it was hard for you to remain calm in that situation, and do some work on that through Tapping or some other method you find helpful, to increase your ability to recognize that situation if it resurfaces and choose another way.
Helping others can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of living. It can be one of the best expressions of love for others, and it often brings joy and upliftment where there was struggle. Being able to be an effective part of this wonderful exchange is worth some occasional work and self-reflection. Building your skills around balanced helping will bring you the opportunity for more frequent fulfillment of this kind, and the opportunity to co-create better results with others. Next time you’re looking to help, see if you can do so from a calm, centered place and notice what happens when you do.