So Much Happier Blog
Planting the Seeds of Healing
“Just knowing you don’t have the answers is a recipe for humility, openness, acceptance, forgiveness, and an eagerness to learn—and those are all good things.”
Something I've learned in my adventures with Tapping is that there is an intrinsic timing to the unwinding of old issues and traumas. While I absolutely believe that it's necessary to decide on and keep affirming your intent to heal from the effects of your past experiences, such healing can't be forced or willed into being. Some things can be healed surprisingly quickly. Others can have an astonishing number of aspects that will need attention before all the pieces can fall into new and healthier places. And the difference between these extremes cannot be predicted, because the psyche is a complex and mysterious thing.
Knowing and accepting this means that if you're serious about revamping old patterns, you'll get used to the idea that your best bet is to work on whatever feels most current for you today, and trust that the progress you are able to make is enough. Tapping, for instance, takes focus, energy, and a willingness to confront unpleasant feelings before the process has a chance to work and reduce them. Some days you can really make strides you'll feel proud of. Others, you get some relief but don't necessarily feel that you've resolved anything. This is sensitive work, and you're doing it in the context of your life's many moving parts, including all the influences of the outside world over which you have little control. The road can seem excruciatingly long and confusing. This is where what I call constructive stubbornness comes in! Sometimes we need to disregard day-to-day feedback that might suggest our efforts are not yielding fruit. When you plant an apple tree, it takes weeks for the seed to germinate and grow up out of the soil, and it may take years to produce an apple you can hold in your hand. We live in an impatient world, but some processes just take time. If you give up on them too soon, you never get your fruit at all.
The more you fight what's true for you today, the more you'll find yourself feeling drained and demoralized. The more you can learn to celebrate small wins each day, and the overall picture of how far you've come, the more your calm, open energy will welcome in the healing you're creating. The act of worrying (note that I'm not talking here about strategic thinking, but a constant mental spinning over possible negative outcomes) is toxic. Acceptance, breathing, and appreciation for what's good in your life are forces for radical positive change. By investing continually in them, you carve out supportive space for your happiness and your journey to a state of vibrant health, wherever you may be starting.
When we're frustrated, it's so tempting to try to force things we want into being, but this approach rarely yields results that are the best we can do—and in my experience, it really doesn't work at all in the healing sphere. Frustration is a normal part of longer projects, and it can be a wake-up call to periodically assess our direction and progress, but it sometimes arises because we just don't like the wait. If what we're doing is growing an apple tree, the frustration is useless, as the tree is only ever going to grow in its own timing. In this case, it's time go back to accepting and appreciating the journey as best we can yet again. We manage our emotions through Tapping or some other daily method, and keep making healthy decisions while Nature works its magic.
Even if you're not gardening, but healing, working through the trial-and-error process may take time. You have to envision a path, take a few steps, learn from external and internal feedback, seek out new information, reformulate your vision of the next few steps, and repeat, sometimes many, many times before you reach your destination. You have a right to whatever emotions come up for you along the way, but you must find ways to process and manage them if you want to maintain a clear path to tread. It is in a sacred space of self-love, compassion, and emotional release where healing processes truly thrive. This may seem counterintuitive and even impossible as a standard, but I promise you that any progress toward maintaining this kind of internal state will help you get where you want to go faster. Here's a mantra for you: Struggle less, heal more.
People Are Annoying
“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”
You know how some days you have a run-in with someone (not homeless or obviously mentally ill) who displays just jaw-dropping rudeness, selfishness, or malice? This can be a shock to the system, and it happens to us all. Even microagressions can pile up in the course of a day so that you go home feeling like you just hate people. I don't think any of us is proud of this, but it's a common enough experience that I suspect you recognize it! This week, I've been thinking about how important it is to actually work at acknowledging that the world we live in is like this, and letting go of the tendency to let our sense of outrage ratchet up and push against it all. Being in a state of outraged resistance is an exhausting distraction that will erode the ability to achieve your own goals.I'm not saying that it's easy to avoid, but you can learn ways to navigate the world that will minimize its negative impact on you.
This gets to the heart of a truth espoused by many ancient schools of thought that seems counterintuitive, which is that in order to be happy and at peace, we need to first accept what is. The very human response to this idea tends to be immediate rebellion, because we think that must mean we have to also accept that "what is" will never change, or we have to somehow approve of something that is downright wrong (or at least drastically not to our liking). Yet neither is true. All it means to accept the present conditions is to step aside from the cyclone of emotion and the physical, chemical responses that stem from falling down the rabbit hole of rage and resistance. The more you can avoid that slide, the more you can stay on solid ground, maintain your equilibrium, and keep access to your greatest skills at your fingertips. If you manage to do that, you can be a part of the solution you seek; if you don't, you miss opportunities left and right to live a life that really fulfills you.
For most of us, the right answer is to learn to acknowledge the chaos that is this planet, vent about it when absolutely needed, and then get back to focusing on what is uniquely ours to do. Now, there could be a few people out there who feel that their purpose is to educate others on how to move through the world with broader understanding and better manners—latent Mother Teresas of the chronically rude (and if you're one of them, that's fantastic. Please let me know and I'll help you get the word out!) But making change happen in this arena would, I fear, require a commitment at about her level of total dedication. Most of us have other purposes. Spending unnecessary time in outrage is draining and will distract us insidiously from projects in which our brilliance would be best harnessed for good.
As you deal with people you don't know, see if you can make it a game to acknowledge that many people WILL be annoying to you—and it's not the end of the world—while you keep ahold of your calm, and even cultivate a sense of amusement at the crazy. You still get to choose how to react, in other words, you get to choose who you will be in the world even in the face of annoyance. I'm sure there are some aspects of the incredible diversity that greets you every day that you appreciate. It makes sense that in order to enjoy that, you might have to put up with a bunch of things you'd rather not have as possibilities. Endeavor to spend less time and energy worrying about the second group, and practice continually enjoying and refocusing on the first. If something feels like your mission to fix, then go for it, and try to enjoy the process. Do it because it's an expression of you and what you have to give, but not because you're desperately seeking perfection that will last for all time. Such a thing doesn't exist, and that's ok. Life is always change, whether we acknowledge that or not. Trying to create an unassailable legacy that will last through the ages is about fear of death and an out-of-control ego rather than joy and authentic purpose.
Being annoyed won't hurt you (though being chronically stressed out may, so learning to stay calm is a great investment in your health). Remind yourself that annoyance is part of life, and practice avoiding unnecessary, reactionary drama. This is one of those lessons we all have to keep learning, so just stick with it and do the best you can!
That's Nice, Dear
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Two weeks ago, I blogged about creating a balance in life between giving and receiving; we looked at how to be an insightful giver, and also a gracious receiver. This week, I want to address one of the things that can go wrong with this balance. What can be done when something less concrete that we very much want to give, such as a personal talent or message, is not well received? This becomes a core issue for many people, and one that often causes a great deal of pain, because it gets to the heart of the ways in which we define and value ourselves.
The roots of this problem are usually planted in childhood, but they can be attached to any time period in which we chose to give something personal and precious to us only to have it rejected or minimized by someone else—or many others. One of the difficulties of being alive is that we are born as beginners at everything. Anytime we try something new, we risk failure and humiliation to some extent. If you’re alive for more than a few years, chances are you’re going to have an experience in which you do something you think is beautiful, only to have someone stomp all over your enthusiasm and let you know just how mediocre your effort seems in their eyes. The difficulty really sets in when that person is someone whose good opinion is deeply important to you, or when what you’re giving seems like a fundamental part of yourself, and no one seems to get it.
It’s natural for human beings to want to give of the best of ourselves and to be acknowledged and appreciated for that. Some of the tensions that tend to come up around the holidays have to do with not being seen and acknowledged by family and friends the way we want to be, the way we feel we deserve to be for what is best in us. So here are a few things to try if you find yourself in this position:
· Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder—beauty that is very plainly visible to you may be invisible to someone else because everyone’s worldview is colored by natural tendencies, upbringing, and experience. It’s extra-hard to remember this when what you want those close to you to see is you, but try to acknowledge that other sane opinions than yours are possible, and have compassion for their selective blindness if you can. No doubt someone has tried, at some point, to convince you of the great value of something that you just don’t care for. As my family used to say, this is why they make chocolate and vanilla. Not everyone has to like everything. Work to accept that, sometimes, important people in your life will not fully understand everything that’s important to you.
· If you’re not getting the appreciation you think you deserve for what you have to give, ask yourself if what you’re giving is really as great as you think it is. Be willing to get some friendly feedback from people you trust and who do appreciate you generally, or from an expert adviser whose opinion you respect. They may be able to point out ways in which your honing a skill or two would help others to appreciate your offerings. You can choose see targeting what you have to give to an obstinate person as a challenge that might help you, and learn from the experience. The feedback you get also might confirm that what you’re giving is pretty wonderful already, and it’s just not that obstinate person’s cup of tea. If so, go back to the first point above.
· For the sake of your fulfillment and self-respect, go find some other people who think what you have to give is amazing. There are clubs and organizations for practically everything under the sun. If you put in some work, I can virtually guarantee that you will find some fellow humans who will be delighted with what you have to offer. Get your appreciation from people who truly want to give it, and release those who don’t from attempts at manipulation. Everyone will be happier. I’m not saying it’s easy to stop wanting acknowledgement from people close to you, but the happier you are about yourself, the less you’ll need it—and paradoxically, the more likely they are to come around at some point in the future as you gain confidence and the appreciation of others.
Giving of who you are and what is best about you is an important part of a balanced, happy life. If you’re not feeling that enough other people know, truly see, and acknowledge the goodness you have to give, then this is a worthy area for effort and growth. You have unique qualities that will add to the life experiences of others in positive ways. You’re in the best position to know what those are based on your talents and passions. Don’t give up. Keep learning and be willing to make new connections, and you’ll eventually make progress in finding the appreciation you deserve.
A Friend Indeed
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Another important pillar of having a life that feels like you belong and are loved is having friends. There’s nothing like a close friend who appreciates you with all your flaws, and with whom you can have a wonderful time doing anything or nothing, to help you feel like all is right with the world. Unlike with family, we have choice in who we will align ourselves with in friendship from the time that we are children. While this can allow for more generally comfortable, easy and supportive relationships than those we may have with family members, this may not be so if we don’t have natural talent in relating to others. For many people, the world of friendships can seem bewildering to navigate and fraught with peril. Engaging may not seem worth the risk. And yet, without close friends, loneliness is virtually inevitable.
As with many other aspects of life, we rarely get direct instruction on how to foster friendships. We’re expected to pick this up through osmosis, which is not the most helpful approach when we’re small, vulnerable, and have no idea what to do, and no one else does either. Many of us have painful memories of difficult experiences with other children, who tend to be pathologically honest, are often thoughtless and come across as mean, and who often start experimenting early with hierarchy and power games. Most of us remember betrayals that led us to approach the process of making friends with more caution, at least for a time. Some people will choose to opt out of the process altogether after these stings, depending on how painful they were and how frequently they occurred. Success depends on our natural ability to fit in and persist in resiliently failing forward until we, and those around us, develop some actual skill in relationships.
Often when we’re younger it’s easier to create strong bonds with others, because we spend so much time in close proximity with so many other people during our years in school. Time and shared ups and downs help to draw us closer with others. As we get older and live farther away from some of the friends we made in youth, and as life gets busier and more complicated, it can be hard to hold onto those relationships. Long-distance friendship skills are a different ball of wax, and several degrees of difficulty harder to maintain. It can also be harder to make new friends as adults, since we have a lot less time on our hands than we used to, and we’ve reached the time of life when it’s likely that we’re focusing on our own pursuits and passions, whether those be work, family, dating, or other extracurricular activities. If we don’t encounter others we take a liking to in the course of work, hobbies, or religious/spiritual devotions, it’s going to take work to find friends elsewhere.
Men may have a more difficult time than women with making new friends at all ages, particularly in Western culture, because of the way that they are socialized. Men are taught to be active, always doing and solving and tinkering with projects; there is a prevalent image of the hero as a lone cowboy who doesn’t need anyone else because he can handle everything just fine all on his own. There is often a drive to establish hierarchy in relationships between men, which can keep them locked into specific roles. In general, boys tend to make friends through proximity; they are less encouraged to learn complex manners, be nice to everyone, and sacrifice their own comfort for the feelings of others. While many women learn to overbalance toward unhealthy self-sacrifice, they do tend to get more practice in observing, understanding, and caring for others, which may make it easier for them to quickly bond with someone else in a way that men may not have built the patience for. These are gross generalizations, and each friendship will be the unique product of the interplay between two individuals who may not fit into any established stereotypes. I do think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the extra challenges men may face here. Recent studies have shown that loneliness causes the production of stress hormones in the body, and a stressed body is more likely to develop a host of chronic illnesses. It’s a matter of health that we learn to create more satisfying friendships, and it’s worth working on social skills required to build and maintain friendships even if it’s uncomfortable at first. It’s also worth thinking through the stereotypes you were taught, and making your own decisions about who you will become.
So what are the essential skills involved in friendship? Here are a few to consider, though you can doubtless think of more:
- Acceptance. If you were to do nothing but criticize another, they would be unlikely to enjoy spending any time with you at all. Your willingness to accept a friend as good enough just as they are allows them to relax and feel safe to be themselves with you. They will share more of themselves with you, and understanding will grow between you.
- Loyalty. If you’re not able to stand behind your friend even when they act out of character, make a mistake, or are going through a difficult time in which they have little to give, you are likely to grow apart.
- Encouragement. Find ways to listen to what your friend wants for themselves and offer your support, through words or deeds; celebrate what goes right for them, even if you feel moments of envy, so they know you’re invested in their success.
- Compassion. Work to understand how your friend feels. No relationship can have much depth without a sense of mutual compassion and care.
- Generosity. Be willing to give your time, love, and support (in a way that works for you too, of course).
- Honesty. If you aren’t willing to be open with another about what’s true for you, there will be a wall between you. If you aren’t willing to hear what’s true for them, they will end up feeling frustrated. The best expression of honesty is combined in equal measure with kindness. “Brutal honesty” is a display of lack of effort and consideration—after all, do you enjoy being treated with brutality by others? I thought not!
- Fun. While sometimes it helps to pour out our worries and woes to a friend, if you aren’t willing to let those go and allow yourself to have a good time with your friend, you’ll be missing out on one of the best things about friendship. Everyone likes to have fun in different ways, but you can cultivate some sense of fun with each friend. (If you can’t, then you’re probably not a good match.)
- Appreciation. If you don’t genuinely appreciate your friend’s mix of unique qualities and feel enthusiasm for their company, they will eventually notice. It feels a lot better to be around someone who clearly likes you than it does to spend time with someone who is non-committal and blasé.
Whether or not you’re currently good at these skills, growing more comfortable with them is time well spent. Decide to think about one of them each week or month as you go about your social interactions, and notice how you and others display them; experiment with how you can use some of the same techniques you’ve observed, or improve your expression of the ones you’re already familiar with. These are all skills we practice for a lifetime, and there’s no such thing as perfect. Just get in there and work on how you can do a better job than you have in the past. We are social creatures, and any improvements to your relationships will improve the overall quality of your life.