A Friend Indeed
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Another important pillar of having a life that feels like you belong and are loved is having friends. There’s nothing like a close friend who appreciates you with all your flaws, and with whom you can have a wonderful time doing anything or nothing, to help you feel like all is right with the world. Unlike with family, we have choice in who we will align ourselves with in friendship from the time that we are children. While this can allow for more generally comfortable, easy and supportive relationships than those we may have with family members, this may not be so if we don’t have natural talent in relating to others. For many people, the world of friendships can seem bewildering to navigate and fraught with peril. Engaging may not seem worth the risk. And yet, without close friends, loneliness is virtually inevitable.
As with many other aspects of life, we rarely get direct instruction on how to foster friendships. We’re expected to pick this up through osmosis, which is not the most helpful approach when we’re small, vulnerable, and have no idea what to do, and no one else does either. Many of us have painful memories of difficult experiences with other children, who tend to be pathologically honest, are often thoughtless and come across as mean, and who often start experimenting early with hierarchy and power games. Most of us remember betrayals that led us to approach the process of making friends with more caution, at least for a time. Some people will choose to opt out of the process altogether after these stings, depending on how painful they were and how frequently they occurred. Success depends on our natural ability to fit in and persist in resiliently failing forward until we, and those around us, develop some actual skill in relationships.
Often when we’re younger it’s easier to create strong bonds with others, because we spend so much time in close proximity with so many other people during our years in school. Time and shared ups and downs help to draw us closer with others. As we get older and live farther away from some of the friends we made in youth, and as life gets busier and more complicated, it can be hard to hold onto those relationships. Long-distance friendship skills are a different ball of wax, and several degrees of difficulty harder to maintain. It can also be harder to make new friends as adults, since we have a lot less time on our hands than we used to, and we’ve reached the time of life when it’s likely that we’re focusing on our own pursuits and passions, whether those be work, family, dating, or other extracurricular activities. If we don’t encounter others we take a liking to in the course of work, hobbies, or religious/spiritual devotions, it’s going to take work to find friends elsewhere.
Men may have a more difficult time than women with making new friends at all ages, particularly in Western culture, because of the way that they are socialized. Men are taught to be active, always doing and solving and tinkering with projects; there is a prevalent image of the hero as a lone cowboy who doesn’t need anyone else because he can handle everything just fine all on his own. There is often a drive to establish hierarchy in relationships between men, which can keep them locked into specific roles. In general, boys tend to make friends through proximity; they are less encouraged to learn complex manners, be nice to everyone, and sacrifice their own comfort for the feelings of others. While many women learn to overbalance toward unhealthy self-sacrifice, they do tend to get more practice in observing, understanding, and caring for others, which may make it easier for them to quickly bond with someone else in a way that men may not have built the patience for. These are gross generalizations, and each friendship will be the unique product of the interplay between two individuals who may not fit into any established stereotypes. I do think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the extra challenges men may face here. Recent studies have shown that loneliness causes the production of stress hormones in the body, and a stressed body is more likely to develop a host of chronic illnesses. It’s a matter of health that we learn to create more satisfying friendships, and it’s worth working on social skills required to build and maintain friendships even if it’s uncomfortable at first. It’s also worth thinking through the stereotypes you were taught, and making your own decisions about who you will become.
So what are the essential skills involved in friendship? Here are a few to consider, though you can doubtless think of more:
- Acceptance. If you were to do nothing but criticize another, they would be unlikely to enjoy spending any time with you at all. Your willingness to accept a friend as good enough just as they are allows them to relax and feel safe to be themselves with you. They will share more of themselves with you, and understanding will grow between you.
- Loyalty. If you’re not able to stand behind your friend even when they act out of character, make a mistake, or are going through a difficult time in which they have little to give, you are likely to grow apart.
- Encouragement. Find ways to listen to what your friend wants for themselves and offer your support, through words or deeds; celebrate what goes right for them, even if you feel moments of envy, so they know you’re invested in their success.
- Compassion. Work to understand how your friend feels. No relationship can have much depth without a sense of mutual compassion and care.
- Generosity. Be willing to give your time, love, and support (in a way that works for you too, of course).
- Honesty. If you aren’t willing to be open with another about what’s true for you, there will be a wall between you. If you aren’t willing to hear what’s true for them, they will end up feeling frustrated. The best expression of honesty is combined in equal measure with kindness. “Brutal honesty” is a display of lack of effort and consideration—after all, do you enjoy being treated with brutality by others? I thought not!
- Fun. While sometimes it helps to pour out our worries and woes to a friend, if you aren’t willing to let those go and allow yourself to have a good time with your friend, you’ll be missing out on one of the best things about friendship. Everyone likes to have fun in different ways, but you can cultivate some sense of fun with each friend. (If you can’t, then you’re probably not a good match.)
- Appreciation. If you don’t genuinely appreciate your friend’s mix of unique qualities and feel enthusiasm for their company, they will eventually notice. It feels a lot better to be around someone who clearly likes you than it does to spend time with someone who is non-committal and blasé.
Whether or not you’re currently good at these skills, growing more comfortable with them is time well spent. Decide to think about one of them each week or month as you go about your social interactions, and notice how you and others display them; experiment with how you can use some of the same techniques you’ve observed, or improve your expression of the ones you’re already familiar with. These are all skills we practice for a lifetime, and there’s no such thing as perfect. Just get in there and work on how you can do a better job than you have in the past. We are social creatures, and any improvements to your relationships will improve the overall quality of your life.