Feeling Out of Phase?

Well friends, here we are solidly into 2020, a new year and a new decade! Whether you were raring to go or felt blindsided by the trappings of wrapping up the old year, time marches on. Like a lot of people, I spent the transition groggy with a nasty cold, and I feel like I’m only now finally starting to wake up again. Maybe you’ve already hit the ground running with exciting new ideas and plans, and if so, well done!

Whatever your experience has been so far, remember that your personal timing doesn’t have to line up with everyone else’s to be valid. Sometimes we all get a little (or a lot) out of step with where the world seems to be headed. You may experience this in small ways, with a sense of being out of synch in your closest relationships or in your local routines. For much of human history, the local was most of what we had to worry about! However, now, with the advent of the Information Age and the 24-hour news cycle that must be filled, no matter how low-quality the programming, we are bombarded with so much more than we can ever participate in, and much of it is fear-mongering. The split focus and temptation toward constant worry that this constantly induces is confusing at best and utterly overwhelming at worst.

And this is not just experienced on a personal level. Our new normal is affecting the genesis and reaction to mass events the world over. This time in history is in many ways chaotic and shot through with layers of rudderless conflict. We’ve hit multiple tipping points that require us to change on a global scale if we want to have a planet to live on at all in another decade or three, and the majority of the world’s leaders seem convinced that childish, self-obsessed stupidity is the way to go.

I actually think a lot of our issues come down to failures in educational systems. That’s not really surprising, since education used to be only for the wealthy, and only quite recently has there been an effort to scale it up to cover everyone in cultures across the world. This effort has revealed a whole new set of challenges that are not easy or quick to solve with our current level of experience regarding the effective transfer of information and skills in group settings. And just recently, the number of readily available distractions has exploded. It used to be that for those with the luxury of free time, one of the exciting things you could do was learn, and expand your horizons in self-motivated ways. Now so much is handed to us, even foisted upon us, that learning is less a joy and more of a constant drudgery as we try to keep up with everything that a cacophony of questionably valuable tastemakers tells us we must.

I don’t mean to sound like a grumpy old person here (“It used to be that everything was just great, blah blah blah”), because there was never a time when everything was perfect on planet Earth! What I’m hearing from so many people right now, though, is that the fight against constant overwhelm is becoming more and more consuming and exhausting. If you feel like you’re bogged down in a cycle of just getting through each day and recovering from it, you’re in good company! Here are some ideas that may help you as you begin to construct your vision of this new year and begin to set it into motion:

• Acknowledge that this world is a challenging place in which to live, and don’t be so hard on yourself about it. You have to balance yourself and your needs, the needs of those closest to you, and your relationship with the wider world, all of which are demanding, and these demands are constantly shifting. Give yourself some love and credit for keeping up with all of this. Some people like to make their lives look effortless on social media. Don’t believe that #*%~.

• Reaffirm that only you can be the source of the most high-quality information about you. By all means, consider feedback from others as you chart your path, but if their assumptions are wrong, reject them. Only if you retain the right to be the arbiter of your opinions about yourself, and choose to make self-compassion a guiding principle, will you have access to the constant stream of creativity you need in your daily efforts to make your life the best it can be.

• Have a written list of your priorities that you refer to daily. Focus is key. You can imagine far more than you can ever accomplish in the flesh! You must prioritize your highest values and connected projects if you ever want to get anywhere. Do you have this? Almost no one does. If you don’t, make a list now in your phone or somewhere else you can easily refer to it. Have you done this yet? Seriously, do it now!

• Unless you are a writer or other passionate content producer by choice, focusing on living your life in the real world is far more crucial than narrating your every move in the twittersphere. Yes, stay in touch with important people in your life in the most convenient ways for you. Just don’t confuse running in endless circles online with accomplishing your goals. Simplify and focus.

• Carve out the time you need to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. If you think you’re too busy, start with small steps. If you fall off the wagon, get up and keep trying. You can’t sustain an optimal life if you always put your basic needs last.

• Get clear about the ways in which you want to contribute and give, the ways that feel appropriate and exciting for you. If you’re not sure, get out there and practice donating some of your favorite skills. Be careful to corral your giving into this mission statement so that you don’t start behaving as though you owe all things to all people. We all need to exist within a give and take dynamic with the societies we live in, but doing too much will exhaust you and deny the world the best version of what you have to give. Give joyfully, and when you can’t, plot your rest and rejuvenation, and then get back to your chosen areas of giving.

• Keep an eye out for ways to make your life fun. If something isn’t fun at all, you’ll tend to quit, because there are limits to human reserves of willpower. Enjoyment keeps us motivated in healthy ways. It also draws us toward activities we’re good at, which helps nurture our effectiveness and deeply feed our life vitality.

• It’s fine to be influenced by the timing of the world and the people around you, but remember that those who have invented some of the best solutions in history have been considered eccentric-to-outright-crazy because they were not following the pack. In case you haven’t noticed (you probably have if you’re reading this), the world is desperately in need of creative solutions to a wide variety of problems. Paradoxically, you may be better able to help by refusing to have your timing and your activities dictated by conventional wisdom, immediate imperatives that you’re not the right person for, and public opinion.

• Treasure the people you trust. Friends who have your best interests at heart as well as their own, and who have demonstrated the ability to maintain relationships characterized by a balance between giving and receiving, are one of the best things in life. Appreciate these people at every opportunity!

• There are times when we need to meet life with a warrior spirit, and no matter what you’re attempting to do with your life, it seems to me that now, this moment on this planet, is one of those times. I don’t mean that we need to be combative, but rather suffused with a courageous willingness to do what is necessary and appropriate in order to meet the challenges we face, both personal and collective. Find someone from any time in history who inspires you in this direction.

I wish you courage, focus, friendship, ease, and joy as you face whatever may unfold for you in 2020. Be awesome!

A Case of the Blahs

“I love to listen to the music that first inspired me - I get that fresh feeling back.”

— Joe Perry

There are times in which, even when things are going well, and despite all our best efforts, we are going to feel just…uninspired.  There are so many factors that go into creating our experience of each day that we can often be surprised by how things seem to display, at any given moment, a natural tendency to come together—or not.  It’s impossible to predict the daily outcome of the interaction of all things that affect us; that is just how things are on planet Earth, and it certainly keeps life interesting!  It can also be pretty frustrating, say when you’ve got a certain amount of time allotted for something and then the unexpected happens and gets in the way.  If this happens several times in a row, it can really disrupt your momentum.   Or if you’ve been down with a cold, sometimes it takes longer than you want it to for you to get back up to speed and feel your enthusiasm for life returning.  For whatever reason, there are those days when you just don’t feel like doing anything at all.

What to do when you feel this way?  Depending on what your day looks like, you may have more or less latitude to change up your plans on the fly.  Here are some thoughts on what to try the next time you get blindsided by a case of the “I don’t wanna, you can’t make me’s.”

·      Allow yourself a moment to take a couple of breaths and acknowledge what’s happening.  Most of us have been taught to just push through any emotion or preference that arises unexpectedly, but over time, this habit gets us into trouble.  The more we repress what’s really going on internally, the more we resent the responsibilities, and sometimes the people, in our lives.  We also add a potent risk factor for actual physical illness and disease.  If you just get into the habit of letting yourself be aware of how you feel, you can take it into account in some way that you decide is appropriate.  Sometimes just acknowledging it and the validity of your right to feel normal human emotions is enough to improve your outlook.  Sometimes taking action of some sort will also be well advised

·      Think for a moment about what you absolutely need to get done today.  There are commitments that are not optional—for instance, the kids and the dog need to be fed.  But other items on the list might be nice to have, but not really necessary, if you’re being totally honest with yourself

·      If you decide that some task(s) can move to a different day, what would you like to do instead?  Sometimes what you need is a break, some breathing room to do not much of anything, some time to regroup.  But maybe there’s something that needs doing that would be more fun for you than what you had originally planned.  One excellent secret of greater productivity is being able to swap tasks around to harness your enthusiasm at any given time.  Sure, there are some tasks you’re probably never going to want to do, and sometimes you’ll have to just do them anyway.  But there are days when cleaning and organizing/filing, for instance, might seem kind of fun, and there are times when it’s going to seem like cruel and unusual punishment.  How can you roll with that?

·      Sometimes the best thing to “do” is something that will boost you overall state of inspiration.  What are your very favorite things to do, things you would do nearly every day if you had all the time in the world?  Watch movies?  Go to concerts?  Play silly games with family members?  Have a three-hour lunch with a close friend you could talk to forever?  Go play a sport that makes you forget everything else for a while?  Read a book by your favorite author?  Whatever it is, it can be amazing how rejuvenated you can feel after a little time spent in this pursuit.  Allowing yourself this time can energize your entire week

·      What signals are you getting from your body?  Does it need care that you’ve been procrastinating on?  If you haven’t been drinking water, moving your body, or getting decent nutrition lately, ending up in a funk of some sort is a pretty likely outcome.  Sometimes we pretend we can ignore the body’s needs.  Zoolander-esque news flash:  We can’t.

·      Change your perspective by thinking about what’s going well in your life and what you’re grateful for.  This can be as simple as the sun rising each day, or the fact that you’re still alive!  Celebrate what you have accomplished, whether recently or in your finest moments.  Sometimes feeling better just requires that you allow yourself some time to consciously feel good about yourself.  Self-acceptance and self-congratulation can really prime the pump of your enthusiasm for life.  It’s not arrogant to admit that some things about you are pretty awesome, and most of us don’t do this enough

·      Ask for help.  Most of don’t do this enough either.  It might surprise you how often others are willing to help if you explain your situation and ask whether they can pitch in.  As long as you’re not ordering them around, a lot of people actually like to feel like they’re helpful and being supportive of others

·      Hug someone you love and tell them that you love them.  When you don’t know what else to do, you can’t go wrong with this one, and sometimes it can very quickly change your state of mind

·      What has worked for you before in the past in similar situations?  Is there something you’ve been wanting to do that you could allow yourself time for?

·      Be creative.  If you like to paint, or write, or sing, or play an instrument, spend a little time doing that just for fun, or make yourself laugh by thinking up captions for the frowny cat picture above

·      Even if it seems like nothing is boosting your mood, know that tomorrow will be different.  Sometimes a night of decent sleep can change everything.  Sometimes you’ll come out of a funk just as mysteriously as you went in

Feeling resistant to life’s requirements sometimes is completely normal.  If you allow yourself some flexibility in how you approach your task list and your daily experience, you may find that the quality of your life actually improves as a result of these times.  Any experience can be an opportunity to know yourself better and to find better ways of expressing the best of yourself in life.  I hope that the next time you find yourself feeling less than enthused, you’ll be able to change something up without feeling bad about having to confront this part of the human experience.

The Virtues of Lazing Out

“If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.”

— Herodotus

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a busy, demanding life.  Some have more obligations than others, and just meeting the demands of daily life can take up all one’s time and energy, but it seems like pretty much everyone has a lot to do these days.  Maybe this is because even if we’re blessed with leisure time, it’s a small world now that we can see in real time what’s going on oceans away, so we feel called to participate more than ever.  Maybe it’s partly peer pressure; if everyone else is running at a breakneck pace, it seems like we should be keeping up.  Or maybe it’s just because we have so many options, and trying things, having adventures, is fun.  Whatever it is that keeps you busy, you are not a machine.  It’s important to find ways to relax and breathe even in the midst of a full daily routine.  If you don’t, you’ll burn out, get sick more often, feel less energetic and enthusiastic, and have trouble focusing on being where you are in each moment; your performance and your attitude will spiral downward, and everything will feel more difficult than it needs to.

We’re all familiar with the concept of taking time out of a busy schedule for specifically relaxing activities (or non-activities) like reading for fun, indulging in a hobby, taking a bath, going to the beach, lying around in bed for no reason, getting a massage, finding a beautiful place outside for a picnic, etc. Enjoyable relaxation is good for you in so many ways.  It gives your mind a rest, helps your body unwind tension, reassures you that you deserve to feel good, and helps you to reconnect to your best, happiest self.  But how often do you actually make time for this kind of thing?  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but wishing you were relaxing doesn’t have the same positive effects as actually doing it!  Unfortunately, in many cultures, we’re told that wanting downtime, and particularly quiet time by ourselves, is lazy and self-indulgent—even bad, from a spiritual perspective, because when we’re not busy being helpful, we might somehow get ourselves into trouble.  If we take these beliefs on, then if we choose to relax, our basic sense of identity, and of our own goodness, may suffer.  We’re supposed to measure our success by the volume of what we’ve accomplished, but realistically, we can’t remain productive without renewing ourselves regularly.

It’s also possible, and, I would argue, important, to find ways to bring relaxation into even moments of the highest productivity.  I had a teacher in theatre school who used to say that a muscle that is constantly tense is not useful; a muscle needs to be capable of both tensing and relaxing in order to maintain flexibility, which is required for health and proper function.  The same principle holds true for our minds and emotions.  If there’s always tension in these, we will be less aware, less resourceful, and less able to function at our best.  We’ll be more likely to become brittle, which is not useful, rather than remaining creative and able to roll with whatever comes along, which is.  In order to avoid becoming stuck in a mire of self-perpetuating stress, we can choose to keep reminding ourselves to bring an attitude of deep calm to everything we do.  We can activate an intention to bring a sense of contentment and mental and emotional relaxation with us wherever we go.  We can work to manage our thoughts and emotions so that they are not always spinning and grinding away at our inner peace.

I’m not going to pretend that this is easy.  Most of us have not been taught how to do it efficiently, nor given the tools we need when we feel like we’ve gotten ourselves backed into a corner.  Even when you’ve spent significant time on learning techniques for success in dropping unnecessary tension and remaining present, life will likely continue to challenge you such that this work remains a life-long pursuit.  For some ideas on how to maximize your mental and emotional game, you might want to check out previous blogs of mine.  That work is essential—and so is building sources of refreshment, relaxation and joy into your life.  The human experience is already plenty difficult, and if art and written records throughout recorded history tell us anything, it’s that this is a constant.  If you want to feel flexible and truly alive every day, you’ll need to break up that difficulty with steady doses of enjoyment and renewal.  You know best what activities leave you with a burst of joy, energy, and enthusiasm about the future.  Make sure you find a place for these in your routine to support your best possible life.

A Time for Everything

“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.”

— Robert Fulghum

Here in the U.S., we’ve just celebrated Independence Day.  It’s a fun, social holiday when it’s customary to gather for backyard barbeque, swimming, lawn games, and festive libations, and then we finish big by blowing things up.  Hopefully, only fireworks.  The whole thing is an excellent expression of the exuberance of summer, as well as the freewheeling attitude that begs to prevail during the hottest weather.  In some ways it feels like the high point of summer, a day that epitomizes everything this season stands for.  So it can seem like something of a letdown to get back to normal life the day after.  How does one go on working when it seems like it’s high time to drop everything and hit the beach for a month, responsibility be damned?

It’s a fine thing to partake of the customs and spirit of each season, and yet there will always be things that need doing.  There are also things you probably want to be advancing for yourself during this time—goals that reflect true desires you’d like to see fulfilled.  How can you stay motivated in the midst of distraction in the form of good times to be had all around?  Some thoughts:

• First of all, don’t fight the fun!  Find ways to let yourself enjoy the opportunities that present themselves.  If you don’t do this enough, you’re likely to get fed up at some point and bolt from the things you actually want to be doing because all that self-denial has made you want to rebel.  What this balance between work and play should be is unique to each person, and takes trial and error to discover.  It’s also not a constant, so you’ll need to be honest with yourself about what you’re craving on a daily basis and do your best to find sensible ways to feed any craving that you know is healthy.
• Next, look at the list of what you’re working on and see if you can streamline it to make a little more room than usual to breathe.  Do you have to make progress on all of those items?  Could you work on only one thing per week, even if you’re really charging forward on that thing, in order to create a little more head space and know when you’re done each day?  Could you pencil in a little more free time here and there to do with as you like?  What would go undone if you did that?  Maybe you can live with the answer to this. 
• Where could you lighten up on others, who are also probably experiencing a similar draw toward a little more down time?  Can you see ways to lower your expectations of others a little so they feel more freedom to enjoy extra relaxation without guilt?  It’s not very nice to do less if you’re just going to burden others with more.
• Once you have made a little room for yourself, consider why you want to make the progress you do.  Reminding ourselves of the purpose behind actions that may not immediately pay off is crucial to generating the energy necessary to getting things done.  For example, cleaning the bathroom is not an inspiring prospect, but keeping germs and dust under control means you get to experience health and the pleasure of living in a clean, uncluttered environment.  Focus on the happy result you’re working toward, and it gets a lot easier to get up and go.
• Finally, you can take all the fun you’ve experienced at recent social events, or other pleasant experiences, and play the memories like music in the background when you’re working.  Whenever you think of it, remember the laughs, the play, and the good times with people (or animals) you feel close to; you can even think about the ways in which the work you’re doing is likely to impact them for the better, no matter if the benefits are indirect.  For example, if you’re cleaning the house, you can think about how nice it will be for them to visit a clean space next time, and imagine the fun you’ll have when they do—or even just how your clean house supports your health, which helps you feel good enough to join in whenever there’s an invitation.

It’s natural to feel some connection to the character of the seasons.  If you acknowledge what’s on offer at any particular time and find ways to adapt and enjoy it, you’ll be serving your overall happiness and continued effectiveness.  None of us is a machine, nor should we be.  Choose to be a human and take part!

Ready, Set, Groan!

“Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.”

— John F. Kennedy

“Number one, like yourself. Number two, you have to eat healthy. And number three, you’ve got to squeeze your buns. That’s my formula.”

— Richard Simmons

There's something that I don't think people talk about nearly enough about the first two weeks to a month of starting a new exercise regime: It's going to suck.

How 'bout them apples? I bet you didn't expect me to write a statement like that! But I find that this uncomfortable early period derails a lot of people who get started on renewing fitness goals with the best of intentions, and even great feelings of commitment. We're told that exercise boosts endorphins, which produce euphoria, and can reduce stress and even clinical depression. And yet I know from personal experience as well as from the experiences of my friends and clients that those first few weeks are a challenge like no other. You'll be tired, you'll be grumpy, you'll resent the loss of time you're used to having for other things, you'll have sore muscles, and you may come up against a whole host of body-related beliefs and issues that have the potential to derail you until you've built up some momentum.

Several important things can go wrong during this period:

1.     If you don't know your body really well, it's very likely that in your initial enthusiasm, you will overestimate what you can and should do to get started.  You have probably taken on, on some level, the "no pain, no gain" mentality, and the belief that you need to buckle down and "just do it." You have been made to feel that your lack of fitness is the result of your being too soft and wussing out on a disciplined approach throughout your life.  You think that forcing yourself to power through pain and discomfort through sheer will power is the answer, so you ignore your body's signals and plough ahead with a plan that is perhaps overambitious.  You then spend days or weeks hobbling around in agony until you decide that this exercise thing is for the birds.

·      In the first few weeks of activity, you are likely to have some muscle soreness or stiffness.  Starting slowly helps keep this manageable, but many of us shy away from anything that feels like pain, and will start finding reasons to discontinue the effort.  Epsom salt baths can be helpful here, and it’s also important to make sure you’re stretching appropriately for your chosen exercise.  Keep in mind that your body will get used to moving if you stick with it.  A life that includes a rewarding level of fitness need not include a lot of pain, but you may need to move through some in the beginning.  Give yourself credit for being willing to go through this adjustment phase for your long-term good.

·      Seriously addressing your nutritional needs is a great idea, particularly when you’re about to make greater demands on your body’s energy output and general functioning.  There’s a lot of great information available out there for free from your local library and online, and I encourage you to use it to educate yourself.  Sorting through it can be overwhelming, though, so don’t be afraid to consult an expert.  A nutritionist can help you figure out what your body needs in order to function at high levels.

2.     If you do know your body well and make (or work with a professional to make) a plan that is more realistic and sustainable/scaleable, you're still going to be dealing with the ups and downs that accompany the process for building and solidifying a new habit.

·      For some of us, the problem is going to be that it's hard to stay inspired when we're at the beginning of a new road, and all we can see is a daunting upward climb ahead. The ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other when the goal seems so far away can be a huge challenge. Planning ahead by putting some support structures in place to help you get through this time is an excellent.  You might want to find an exercise buddy to at least check in with on a daily basis so you know someone else is by your side having a similar experience. You could also tell a few positive people what you're doing so that they will be rooting for you, and can offer you encouragement and pep talks when you need them.  It might be helpful to make sure you have something fun to look forward to every week that will help buoy your mood if things feel difficult, something that you really enjoy.  In short, plan to support yourself now in any way that you know works for you.  You’re taking on a worthy challenge.  When you succeed in establishing a habit of healthy movement, it supports your entire life in ways that are more than the sum of the apparent parts.

·      For others, the opinions of others may be a danger zone. If you have naysayers around you, you're going to have to find ways to escort the voice of their negativity out of the building, whether figuratively or literally, in order to stay focused. You may also need to do your own internal work to replace that voice with a more positive one, and to create a strong vision of the new self you're becoming to whom this new fitness habit is natural. You may find yourself asking, who will I be if I create a habit of fitness?  Here you may encounter some beliefs about who you are that need to change.  There are many gentle modalities that can assist you here, from journaling and affirmations to hypnosis and EFT.

·      If exercise has never been fun for you, you’ll need to find ways to choose activities that you’ll will dread doing the least, and add elements that boost your enjoyment of time spent moving. Maybe working out in a group will change your dynamic for the better. Groups also offer an immediate support network that can offer encouragement and solidarity, and for many, this is a game changer. Maybe listening to upbeat music you love will really get you going, or watching a T.V. program that really engages you (only do this if you're doing activities that don't demand your focus to avoid injury, though). And make sure the program is positive—you don't want to start associating your active time with sad, frightening, or otherwise upsetting experiences, even if they're imaginative. This will likely sabotage your enthusiasm over time, which is the last thing you want.  I will acknowledge that we’re all different, though, and it's important to know what works for you; for instance, I do have one friend who, along with her family, thinks that horror movies are hilarious, and they get together and laugh themselves silly watching them.  For most people, that probably isn't the case, so watching horror while exercising is probably not a winning strategy for the rest of us!  For some, the idea of doing something repetitive like walking or stair climbing seems way too boring.  It's important to start with something gentle like walking or swimming if your current fitness level is low, but as you gain experience with exercise, you can try new things and see if there are other activities you enjoy more, or as part of a rotation of several choices that keeps things interesting for you over time.

Next week we’ll look at another, more subtle category of challenge you may need to address.  For now, keep in mind that despite the difficulties inherent in starting something new, exercise is an essential ingredient in the recipe for creating a balanced, happy, healthy life.  Celebrate the ways in which you’ve already built it into your life, and remember that it’s supposed to be fun to move your body.  Physical activity is a pathway to a great deal of the joy of being alive.  If you’re currently working on creating this habit, hang in there!  I’ve been where you are, and I know that your work will pay off for you if you stick with it and remain responsive to your body’s changing needs.

A Friend Indeed

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Another important pillar of having a life that feels like you belong and are loved is having friends.  There’s nothing like a close friend who appreciates you with all your flaws, and with whom you can have a wonderful time doing anything or nothing, to help you feel like all is right with the world.  Unlike with family, we have choice in who we will align ourselves with in friendship from the time that we are children.  While this can allow for more generally comfortable, easy and supportive relationships than those we may have with family members, this may not be so if we don’t have natural talent in relating to others.  For many people, the world of friendships can seem bewildering to navigate and fraught with peril.  Engaging may not seem worth the risk.  And yet, without close friends, loneliness is virtually inevitable.

As with many other aspects of life, we rarely get direct instruction on how to foster friendships.  We’re expected to pick this up through osmosis, which is not the most helpful approach when we’re small, vulnerable, and have no idea what to do, and no one else does either.  Many of us have painful memories of difficult experiences with other children, who tend to be pathologically honest, are often thoughtless and come across as mean, and who often start experimenting early with hierarchy and power games.  Most of us remember betrayals that led us to approach the process of making friends with more caution, at least for a time.  Some people will choose to opt out of the process altogether after these stings, depending on how painful they were and how frequently they occurred.  Success depends on our natural ability to fit in and persist in resiliently failing forward until we, and those around us, develop some actual skill in relationships.

Often when we’re younger it’s easier to create strong bonds with others, because we spend so much time in close proximity with so many other people during our years in school.  Time and shared ups and downs help to draw us closer with others.  As we get older and live farther away from some of the friends we made in youth, and as life gets busier and more complicated, it can be hard to hold onto those relationships.  Long-distance friendship skills are a different ball of wax, and several degrees of difficulty harder to maintain.  It can also be harder to make new friends as adults, since we have a lot less time on our hands than we used to, and we’ve reached the time of life when it’s likely that we’re focusing on our own pursuits and passions, whether those be work, family, dating, or other extracurricular activities.  If we don’t encounter others we take a liking to in the course of work, hobbies, or religious/spiritual devotions, it’s going to take work to find friends elsewhere.

Men may have a more difficult time than women with making new friends at all ages, particularly in Western culture, because of the way that they are socialized.  Men are taught to be active, always doing and solving and tinkering with projects; there is a prevalent image of the hero as a lone cowboy who doesn’t need anyone else because he can handle everything just fine all on his own.  There is often a drive to establish hierarchy in relationships between men, which can keep them locked into specific roles.  In general, boys tend to make friends through proximity; they are less encouraged to learn complex manners, be nice to everyone, and sacrifice their own comfort for the feelings of others.  While many women learn to overbalance toward unhealthy self-sacrifice, they do tend to get more practice in observing, understanding, and caring for others, which may make it easier for them to quickly bond with someone else in a way that men may not have built the patience for.   These are gross generalizations, and each friendship will be the unique product of the interplay between two individuals who may not fit into any established stereotypes.  I do think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the extra challenges men may face here. Recent studies have shown that loneliness causes the production of stress hormones in the body, and a stressed body is more likely to develop a host of chronic illnesses.  It’s a matter of health that we learn to create more satisfying friendships, and it’s worth working on social skills required to build and maintain friendships even if it’s uncomfortable at first.  It’s also worth thinking through the stereotypes you were taught, and making your own decisions about who you will become.

So what are the essential skills involved in friendship?  Here are a few to consider, though you can doubtless think of more:

• Acceptance.  If you were to do nothing but criticize another, they would be unlikely to enjoy spending any time with you at all.  Your willingness to accept a friend as good enough just as they are allows them to relax and feel safe to be themselves with you. They will share more of themselves with you, and understanding will grow between you.
• Loyalty.  If you’re not able to stand behind your friend even when they act out of character, make a mistake, or are going through a difficult time in which they have little to give, you are likely to grow apart.
• Encouragement.  Find ways to listen to what your friend wants for themselves and offer your support, through words or deeds; celebrate what goes right for them, even if you feel moments of envy, so they know you’re invested in their success. 
• Compassion.  Work to understand how your friend feels.  No relationship can have much depth without a sense of mutual compassion and care.
• Generosity.  Be willing to give your time, love, and support (in a way that works for you too, of course).
• Honesty.  If you aren’t willing to be open with another about what’s true for you, there will be a wall between you.  If you aren’t willing to hear what’s true for them, they will end up feeling frustrated.  The best expression of honesty is combined in equal measure with kindness.  “Brutal honesty” is a display of lack of effort and consideration—after all, do you enjoy being treated with brutality by others?  I thought not!
• Fun.  While sometimes it helps to pour out our worries and woes to a friend, if you aren’t willing to let those go and allow yourself to have a good time with your friend, you’ll be missing out on one of the best things about friendship.  Everyone likes to have fun in different ways, but you can cultivate some sense of fun with each friend.  (If you can’t, then you’re probably not a good match.)
• Appreciation.  If you don’t genuinely appreciate your friend’s mix of unique qualities and feel enthusiasm for their company, they will eventually notice.  It feels a lot better to be around someone who clearly likes you than it does to spend time with someone who is non-committal and blasé.

Whether or not you’re currently good at these skills, growing more comfortable with them is time well spent.  Decide to think about one of them each week or month as you go about your social interactions, and notice how you and others display them; experiment with how you can use some of the same techniques you’ve observed, or improve your expression of the ones you’re already familiar with.  These are all skills we practice for a lifetime, and there’s no such thing as perfect.  Just get in there and work on how you can do a better job than you have in the past.  We are social creatures, and any improvements to your relationships will improve the overall quality of your life.