So Much Happier Blog
The Golden Rule of Gift Giving
“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.”
In recent weeks, we’ve been looking at what place giving and gratitude have in your life. This week, we’ll be combining them into the consideration of the art of giving to express gratitude. Let’s face it, most of the time (barring joke gifts, which can be fun in a whole different way) it’s far more satisfying to give gifts that delight the receiver than to give items that are a random guess and likely to provoke a lukewarm reception at best. I’ve been told by family and friends that I’m good at choosing gifts that others appreciate, so I’ll lay out a few tips below that may help you to navigate the selection of any gifts you’re planning to give this holiday season. For some people, receiving gifts may be the primary way that they perceive they’re loved (see The Five Love Languages for a full explanation of this interesting concept). For others, it’s still a way in which they may feel seen and understood if the gift addresses their most passionate interests.
Expressing love and gratitude to the people in your life is first and foremost about tuning into them. If you want your gift to be a rousing success, the golden rule is to give the recipient what he or she wants or needs to receive. If you stay focused on this, you can’t go too far astray. Here are some specific tips on how to find out where to focus your ideas:
-Listen. If you already have or are willing to build strong listening skills, gift giving is just so easy! People talk freely about what they like, what they’re working on, and what they’re hoping for. Sometimes they’ll mention outright an item or experience that will help or please them, and if it’s in your price range, you’re done!
-Ask. You can ask what’s going on with someone and what they’re into lately even if they don’t volunteer information that will help you to know. If that’s not illuminating, you can also try asking someone else who knows the person for ideas. Even if your co-conspirator doesn’t have a specific suggestion, s/he might be able to remember something that sparked your giftee’s enthusiasm recently, and then you’ll have a subject area to guide you. And bonus—often others will enjoy helping you with the process if you just ask!
-Brainstorm. This is the part that should be creative and fun for you. There will be many possible options related to any given area of interest, including things you might make, find, or buy. Depending on his personal style of dress or home decor, you might find something your giftee could wear or display that alludes to his interests. You might be able to purchase an antique or vintage item, or a book or film, that will educate or entertain. You might be able to arrange for an experience she would enjoy having all set up. If you don’t have much of a budget, you might use your own skills to create something that will be useful or beautiful; if you’re not crafty, you might enlist the help of someone who is, or someone who has a lot of other contacts who can advise you. Internet searches can help expand your ideas list instantly if you’re stuck, as can searching within a Web site that will suggest items based on another search.
-Research suppliers and acquire or make your item. Once you have your decision about what you want to give, you get to put it all together, all the while looking forward with happy anticipation to giving something that will be meaningful, and brighten up your giftee’s day.
-This part can be a little trickier because it may involve your ego, but try to remain flexible, and willing to let your giftee decide to return and exchange your gift or even to eventually regift it in the future, extending the usefulness of the item and the joy it can provide in the world. Things must come and go into and out of people’s lives if they are to remain in right relationship with their belongings. It is the loving intent behind the gift that matters most. Once you have consigned your item to this person’s collection of things, it is now up to her/him to make decisions about its best use. An important part of giving that helps everyone to feel good about the experience is allowing others to be who they are and manage their lives in a way that suits them and their greatest happiness.
The art of giving gifts that truly express your gratitude for your relationships can take some doing, but it can also be a lot of fun if you allow it to be. It’s fine to put your own spin on things, but remember that people most appreciate gifts that fall within their interests, not yours. When you show that you’ve listened for what they like, and cared enough to choose something within their areas of passion, they will feel your good intentions and appreciate your efforts. Even something small and inexpensive can end up having a great deal of meaning, and act as a constant reminder of your relationship and your regard. Many things can increase your bonds with others, and giving can be a really wonderful, enjoyable one.
The Essence of Red
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
This week marks the annual return of Valentine's Day, when we focus on love and romance, or on trying to ignore the explosion of candy and red flowers, depending on our situation. This day can be fraught with memories of loneliness, unmet expectations, relationship awkwardness, and more. However, at the core of it is a simple truth. We humans desire the state of being loved, appreciated, and even celebrated, understood for who we are and cherished. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. At the same time, it won't always be what's happening, whether we're in loving relationships or not. For greatest happiness, we must learn to grant ourselves the constant love and appreciation we want to feel.
Just as no one's childhood is perfect, and part of maturity is realizing that you can take on the role of being your own ideal parent to give yourself in the present what you wish you'd had in the past, you can learn to love, approve, and advocate for yourself as your biggest fan would. You can shower yourself with approval and tokens of appreciation for all the best parts of yourself. In fact, learning to treat yourself with the love and respect you want from others puts you in the habit of expecting it, and makes it easier to notice and reject behaviors that reveal incompatible intentions from others. The ability to do this consistently increases your odds of nurturing happy relationships, since you no longer waste your time on low-quality ones.
In the face of challenge, some people will choose to ridicule people who have succeeded where they have not, or disparage the things they most want but haven't figured out how to get. While sometimes it can be fun to humorously reject societal expectations and make your own contrary traditions, as some people like to do around this holiday, rejecting the notion that love is important to you is not healthy. By all means, rail against those who enjoy something you want, or the unfairness of life, now and then if it feels good to vent, but then get back to learning more about how others have succeeded so that you too can eventually have it for yourself. As Tony Robbins says, "Don't get mad, get curious." If anyone has ever had what you want, it's possible, and others can give you clues to the way forward.
Incidentally, some of my very favorite people waited decades for love, finally finding a match in their 40's or 50's or 70's when everyone else seemed to have paired off years earlier. Sometimes the things we crave take way, way longer to arrive than we'd like them to, and sometimes there's just no discernible reason for that. In order to deal with long-term ups and downs, we may need to resort to a variety of coping mechanisms, and that's ok. If you want a loving partnership, or more self-love as you pursue other goals, just try to keep reaffirming an openness to new ideas, and a sense of humor that avoids malice to keep you laughing and returning to greater positivity. Keep your life interesting by doing fun activities that help you meet new people now and then. Celebrate all the loving relationships you've ever had, even the platonic ones, especially the ones you have now. Most important, practice loving and approving of yourself on a daily basis, so that when you meet someone who treats you properly, they'll feel like home.
I hope you find something fun and romantic (appreciative) to do this week, whether with others or by yourself, and that you make it light-hearted and fun. I wish you all the love and companionship you desire.
A Fine Romance
“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.”
Love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Historical underpinnings aside, it has evolved into a day when we’re expected to focus on romance, which is a concept with numerous connotations. Some of us enjoy an excuse to get mushy and cuddly with a main squeeze. Others feel pressured by the designation of a day when we’re supposed to show up with expressions of love that another will find to be appropriately showy. And for those who are not, but would like to be, in a relationship with a partner, it can be…well…downright depressing having to watch all of the canoodling couples doing their thing.
Whatever your take on this day has generally been in the past, let’s consider what its essential value is, so that we can salvage the best of it this year. Romance is sometimes ridiculed as a state of fantasy, a desire and an effort to see through hazy rose-colored glasses rather than living in the “real” world and acknowledging what actually is true—or a desire for a relationship that is perfect beyond possibility. Yet, the feminine side of us knows that at its core, romance is about appreciation, and celebration, of what is beautiful and good and whole in another. It is a desire and an intention to see the perfection that is available to us, and to feel joy and even exultation in the process. The ability to do so is actually a tremendous strength. What can get us into trouble is the expectation that someone else will behave in what we consider to be a perfect manner, actualizing our version of the divine for us in every moment. That is folly indeed, as no one can be exactly everything we want and need, no matter how much they aim to please. Also, I’ve never yet heard of a human being who seems to have lived a blameless life, expressing nothing but divine perfection at all times. If not even enlightened masters can pull this off, then your mortal partner, or the target of your affection, certainly can’t!
In romance, then, the ability to see and appreciate the beauty and perfection in another person is really the goal. When you direct this kind of benevolent effort at someone, it can be interesting how s/he will often begin to reciprocate, or at least try to. Your largesse of heart may touch off an enjoyable cycle of appreciation that makes your relationship a lot more fun. On the other hand, if you don’t have a romantic partner, it’s possible to direct this same kind of intent toward other people or things and enjoy a slightly different experience of romance through appreciating them. There can be a kind of romance to tuning into the striking beauty of a sunset, or other feature of the natural environment; there can be a romantic feeling that comes from deeply appreciating art or other brilliant achievements; there can be a level of romance that can result from acknowledging the amazing friends and other blessings that are in your life, no matter what you find it to lack at the moment.
Amidst the bustle that often goes along with Valentine’s Day, see if you can direct your focus to the aspects of someone or something that you can celebrate with joy and deep gratitude. If you are with a partner, this is likely what they most want from you anyway, even when the other trappings of the day are very nice. If you’re not with a partner, you’ll be bringing joy to yourself, and practicing a habit that can become one of the best skills you could ever bring to a relationship when an opportunity arrives. Whatever else you may choose to do tomorrow, look for things to appreciate, and see whether you don’t enjoy the day more than you have in the past. If you are willing to let yourself be surprised and delighted by beauty where you find it, the chances are excellent that you will.
That's Nice, Dear
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Two weeks ago, I blogged about creating a balance in life between giving and receiving; we looked at how to be an insightful giver, and also a gracious receiver. This week, I want to address one of the things that can go wrong with this balance. What can be done when something less concrete that we very much want to give, such as a personal talent or message, is not well received? This becomes a core issue for many people, and one that often causes a great deal of pain, because it gets to the heart of the ways in which we define and value ourselves.
The roots of this problem are usually planted in childhood, but they can be attached to any time period in which we chose to give something personal and precious to us only to have it rejected or minimized by someone else—or many others. One of the difficulties of being alive is that we are born as beginners at everything. Anytime we try something new, we risk failure and humiliation to some extent. If you’re alive for more than a few years, chances are you’re going to have an experience in which you do something you think is beautiful, only to have someone stomp all over your enthusiasm and let you know just how mediocre your effort seems in their eyes. The difficulty really sets in when that person is someone whose good opinion is deeply important to you, or when what you’re giving seems like a fundamental part of yourself, and no one seems to get it.
It’s natural for human beings to want to give of the best of ourselves and to be acknowledged and appreciated for that. Some of the tensions that tend to come up around the holidays have to do with not being seen and acknowledged by family and friends the way we want to be, the way we feel we deserve to be for what is best in us. So here are a few things to try if you find yourself in this position:
· Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder—beauty that is very plainly visible to you may be invisible to someone else because everyone’s worldview is colored by natural tendencies, upbringing, and experience. It’s extra-hard to remember this when what you want those close to you to see is you, but try to acknowledge that other sane opinions than yours are possible, and have compassion for their selective blindness if you can. No doubt someone has tried, at some point, to convince you of the great value of something that you just don’t care for. As my family used to say, this is why they make chocolate and vanilla. Not everyone has to like everything. Work to accept that, sometimes, important people in your life will not fully understand everything that’s important to you.
· If you’re not getting the appreciation you think you deserve for what you have to give, ask yourself if what you’re giving is really as great as you think it is. Be willing to get some friendly feedback from people you trust and who do appreciate you generally, or from an expert adviser whose opinion you respect. They may be able to point out ways in which your honing a skill or two would help others to appreciate your offerings. You can choose see targeting what you have to give to an obstinate person as a challenge that might help you, and learn from the experience. The feedback you get also might confirm that what you’re giving is pretty wonderful already, and it’s just not that obstinate person’s cup of tea. If so, go back to the first point above.
· For the sake of your fulfillment and self-respect, go find some other people who think what you have to give is amazing. There are clubs and organizations for practically everything under the sun. If you put in some work, I can virtually guarantee that you will find some fellow humans who will be delighted with what you have to offer. Get your appreciation from people who truly want to give it, and release those who don’t from attempts at manipulation. Everyone will be happier. I’m not saying it’s easy to stop wanting acknowledgement from people close to you, but the happier you are about yourself, the less you’ll need it—and paradoxically, the more likely they are to come around at some point in the future as you gain confidence and the appreciation of others.
Giving of who you are and what is best about you is an important part of a balanced, happy life. If you’re not feeling that enough other people know, truly see, and acknowledge the goodness you have to give, then this is a worthy area for effort and growth. You have unique qualities that will add to the life experiences of others in positive ways. You’re in the best position to know what those are based on your talents and passions. Don’t give up. Keep learning and be willing to make new connections, and you’ll eventually make progress in finding the appreciation you deserve.
Go Ahead, Indulge
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
Where I live, this is a week dominated by a holiday with gratitude at its core. It has been declared a time in which we should slow down and focus on what is good. That mostly takes the form of gathering with friends and family and preparing an elaborate (hopefully delicious) meal. This makes sense; some of the most basic and important things humans can celebrate are love and good food available in plenty. However, mixing the challenges of huge numbers of people all moving around at once, gatherings of hungry people who may not always get along, and the cooking of many dishes, with tricky timing issues all to be ready all at the same moment, can make for some pretty tense times! It may not be easy to navigate such treacherous waters with grace. How to keep your cool when you’re in the crossfire of such dynamics? Here are a few things that I think might be helpful to keep in mind in order to get the most out of this Thanksgiving holiday. If you don’t celebrate it where you are, you can still probably relate to the challenges and potential of such gatherings.
Let’s start with this: So much of what we experience is the result of what we choose to focus on. It’s a lot harder to choose your focus when you’re already annoyed and in a reactive place, so start thinking now about the underlying purpose of the holiday. If you can direct your awareness to the things in your life that really are good right now, and choose to really indulge, go all out, in appreciating them, you can get a running start into the spirit of the day. When you have that momentum going, you may find that it’s easier to stay focused on what’s going right rather than getting hot under the collar as soon as your most predictable relative starts up their most trying behaviors right on cue.
You get to decide which things in your life are worthy of gratitude. No one else has the right to make these decisions for you. When people you don’t see often declare their overly frank opinions about your life in front of others, that can seem like an assault on your value as a human being. It can also bring up subjects you’d rather not talk about in front of an entire roomful of eager beavers whose opinions you weren’t seeking. If you have reminded yourself in advance which things in your life you genuinely feel good about, you can carry those good feelings with you to buoy any disappointment you feel at being asked about areas you’re not so excited about. You also know some subjects you can steer conversation toward that will help you feel more comfortable. These subjects may also help others to feel that you are doing well, and they don’t need to worry about you. When relatives seem to be giving you grief about how you live your life, sometimes it’s because they legitimately care about you and just aren’t doing a good job of expressing that in a way that seems supportive. On the other hand, the really may be trying to put you down in order to make themselves feel superior, or in order to try to guilt you into something or other. In that case, you are still in control of what you choose to think about yourself and your value. It’s good to open to constructive criticism, but criticism that comes from anything but a loving and positive place can be safely thrown out. You can always ask someone you respect and admire for her opinion later if you feel confused about someone’s message and motives. But be determined to hold onto your gratitude, and it will be easier to remain grounded in your sense of self, complete with your remembrance of all the sources of joy in your life.
If conversation lags, or if Negative Nell just won’t stop with the horror stories, feel free to ask him about what he’s most grateful for, and then do your best to join him in appreciating and celebrating those things. This can bring out some surprising and sometimes touching stories about the past that you didn’t know about your family members. I find that hearing the stories of the best things that have happened to people I know, as well as how they avoided disasters or managed them to the best of their abilities, is fascinating. It helps me to understand them better, and also to feel the ways in which I am part of something bigger than myself, because I have shared life with them.
Make an effort to meet others with a predisposition to find something to appreciate about them, even if it’s small and simple. For example, maybe they’re wearing a nice color, or clearly made a significant effort to make a tasty dish to contribute to the day. Often people go through life feeling that they’re not appreciated, and when you acknowledgment them in some way, they brighten. Most people also enjoy talking about themselves, so a compliment may lead to a pleasant conversation, or at least a tolerable conversation, even with someone with whom you don’t seem to have a lot in common. Letting someone elaborate on something that makes them feel good about themselves can get things spinning in the right direction so that everyone can have a good time.
When all else fails, cling to others with a sense of humor (as long as they’re not excessively mean spirited). In life and in family dynamics, some things are absurd. Sometimes you are. It helps to laugh at yourself and at the absurd moments you encounter. Having a buddy with whom at least you can laugh, even if a gathering is uncomfortable, can be a relief and help you to keep everything in perspective, not to mention to remember it more fondly when all is said and done.
Sometimes it’s also appropriate to cry. The most intense experiences often occur around or in connection with family members, so give yourself a break when everything seems difficult. This intensity is part of life. Around those closest to you, you also tend to learn the most, specifically because of the element of challenge—the ways in which you have to expand your viewpoint to comprehend someone else’s, or the ways in which you become more compassionate to others with certain problems because you grew to understand how those problems come into being.
A heart filled with gratitude is one that has more to give: More compassion, more understanding, more appreciation of others. If you take responsibility for maintaining your gratitude in the most positive manner that you can muster, it becomes easier over time to both enjoy what you can in any situation and to stay true to your values even in the face of conflicting viewpoints. While I’m not suggesting that remaining stubbornly inflexible no matter what should be the goal, I do think that you have a unique viewpoint and life to live that no one else can replicate. The only thing you can ultimately control is yourself: Your thinking, your focus, your behavior. It’s your job to be you. Resolve to do it well, and to make use of the best tools and ideas available to you. The world needs the best you have to offer, this week and every week.
R-e-s-p-e-c-t
“It’s easy to not feel misplaced if this tidal wave of appreciation is coming your way.”
Last week we looked at the importance of gaining significant skills in some area of your choice as a way to bolster self-worth. The second part of Maslowe’s posited esteem needs is, in his own words, “the desire for reputation or prestige (defining it as respect or esteem from other people), recognition, attention, importance, or appreciation.” He found that, even if we feel great about our accomplishments, abilities, and our value from within, it’s important that the reactions of others align with our assessment. If they don’t, if we haven’t clearly earned the respect and commendation of others for having produced something valuable, we will likely feel unsatisfied until the respect of others does show up.
Humans exist within an evolutionary dynamic in which we tend to be always reaching for new ideas, better solutions, and more progress—not just biologically, but with our hearts, minds, and spirits as well. This all makes sense, as thriving in a constantly changing world like ours requires the ability to adapt just as constantly. We wouldn’t have survived for long as a species without this drive to adapt and grow. Since we’re social beings, it also makes sense that to be considered valuable within a group, it helps for an individual to be good at contributing to the progress of the group, rather than just his own. In the harsh climates of centuries past, it was extremely difficult to survive alone; if one was not important to a societal group, one’s very survival could be on the line. Perhaps the reason we long for the adulation of others for our contributions is that, without it, we still feel vulnerable and afraid of being banished as the weakest link. In the modern world, even though most of don’t live in tribal cultures anymore, it can still be horrifying to contemplate being deemed unimportant or unworthy by family, colleagues, friends or other communities.
Even if we’re not as afraid as all that, it can also be frustrating to have given our all to something only to find that others don’t value it as we do, or as we thought they would. Such miscalculations may tempt us to doubt the very abilities and results that we were proud of, and to doubt our worth. I’m sure you’ve been through something like this, and it does not feel good! Being out of synch with others can make you feel alone even if you're not. It’s hard to hold onto your sense of self-worth if you continually receive the message from others that your contributions are not valued, and you're profoundly different from others.
On the other hand, the perks of adulation, of succeeding in earning the respect of others and enjoying a good reputation, have always been worth having. In the distant past, if you had the best reputation for valuable skills and abilities, you might have become a tribal leader with access to all the best resources. You might have lived in the best location, had your choice of a mate, and had a disproportionate say in the decisions affecting the group. Today, it’s not so different. You might achieve your share of all of the above (house, spouse, platform from which to influence others), plus a lot more autonomy in directing your future separate from any group. The prevalent cultures today favoring individualism, the universal nature of money in today’s world, and the relative ease of travel mean more personal freedom for those who now succeed in gaining respect and reputation. You might even earn some degree of fame (the extreme version of recognition), which can open even more doors for you. These are the very things for which people have vied across centuries. Wars are still waged for these things by those who see no way to gain them except through force. We humans cannot seem to help wanting the privileges that come with the respect of others across time and cultures.
In fact, in a study done by the Harvard Business Review and Tony Schwartz that surveyed nearly 20,000 people, referenced here, workers who responded that they were treated with respect by higher-ups “reported 56% better health and well-being” than those who didn’t! So not only do we crave the respect of others, but when we don’t think we’re getting it, our very health is likely to suffer, in many cases significantly. Plenty of other research corroborates this story. If that’s not an argument for thinking deeply about how you can earn a more satisfactory level of appreciation from others, I don’t know what is—going without it is bad for you!
How, then, can we address a perceived lack of respect and appreciation from others? Some ideas:
- While it’s a lot of fun to spend our time doing and creating things we enjoy ourselves, if you want appreciation from others, you’ll need to think about how your contributions benefit or please others. Be willing to try on the way others think, even if it’s foreign to you. You might find that doing so is a lot more fun than missing out on some of the perks discussed above.
- Once you’ve thought that through, you’ll need to work on adapting in order to provide experiences or results that others will respect and enjoy. I am not saying that in working in this area you need to leave behind the pursuits that please you, not at all, but you may need to be receptive to the idea of branching out.
- If those from whom you most want respect are significantly different from you in values and preferences, there may come a time when you need to admit to yourself that what it would take to earn respect from them is unacceptable to you. While this kind of impasse can be quite disappointing, there is also power in accepting that you need to find your respect and appreciation elsewhere, and let go of any fruitless power struggles; those can waste a lot of your energy, and people only really change of their own accord. If you’re trying to make them change, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
- From a perspective shared by most of the world’s major religions, compassion for others expressed by helping someone in need for no personal gain at all is its own reward. Yet, because this is a widely held perspective, and because receiving appropriate help and love from someone who expects no return often feels good to the receiver, this too can lead to the respect of others and a favorable reputation. This is a different route toward these than mastery of a particular skill set. If you lack confidence in your own ability to shine in other ways, or you are someone who is more inspired by the idea of gaining respect for having and sharing personal qualities such as kindness and generosity, then you can bolster this area of your life by focusing on giving more while still maintaining your own health and balance.
Earning the respect of others is a collaborative process. It requires listening and responding to feedback. You have to be willing to find ways to surprise, delight, and benefit others, and to enjoy the process of co-creation. The good news is that in many ways we are hard-wired to cooperate for mutual benefit, and when we do receive the approbation of others, it tends to be a pretty darned enjoyable experience. It won’t do to ignore your own opinion of yourself; that must be maintained through meaningful accomplishments and the expression of personal qualities that you yourself can decide are valuable. But the innate desire we have to be considered worthy by others is important to our happiness and health. If this area of your life feels a bit empty, you may make big gains in your overall satisfaction by spending some time in consideration of how to improve it followed by some tailored action. I wish you great success in your efforts to value yourself and to be appreciated for your work and your fine qualities.
A Friend Indeed
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Another important pillar of having a life that feels like you belong and are loved is having friends. There’s nothing like a close friend who appreciates you with all your flaws, and with whom you can have a wonderful time doing anything or nothing, to help you feel like all is right with the world. Unlike with family, we have choice in who we will align ourselves with in friendship from the time that we are children. While this can allow for more generally comfortable, easy and supportive relationships than those we may have with family members, this may not be so if we don’t have natural talent in relating to others. For many people, the world of friendships can seem bewildering to navigate and fraught with peril. Engaging may not seem worth the risk. And yet, without close friends, loneliness is virtually inevitable.
As with many other aspects of life, we rarely get direct instruction on how to foster friendships. We’re expected to pick this up through osmosis, which is not the most helpful approach when we’re small, vulnerable, and have no idea what to do, and no one else does either. Many of us have painful memories of difficult experiences with other children, who tend to be pathologically honest, are often thoughtless and come across as mean, and who often start experimenting early with hierarchy and power games. Most of us remember betrayals that led us to approach the process of making friends with more caution, at least for a time. Some people will choose to opt out of the process altogether after these stings, depending on how painful they were and how frequently they occurred. Success depends on our natural ability to fit in and persist in resiliently failing forward until we, and those around us, develop some actual skill in relationships.
Often when we’re younger it’s easier to create strong bonds with others, because we spend so much time in close proximity with so many other people during our years in school. Time and shared ups and downs help to draw us closer with others. As we get older and live farther away from some of the friends we made in youth, and as life gets busier and more complicated, it can be hard to hold onto those relationships. Long-distance friendship skills are a different ball of wax, and several degrees of difficulty harder to maintain. It can also be harder to make new friends as adults, since we have a lot less time on our hands than we used to, and we’ve reached the time of life when it’s likely that we’re focusing on our own pursuits and passions, whether those be work, family, dating, or other extracurricular activities. If we don’t encounter others we take a liking to in the course of work, hobbies, or religious/spiritual devotions, it’s going to take work to find friends elsewhere.
Men may have a more difficult time than women with making new friends at all ages, particularly in Western culture, because of the way that they are socialized. Men are taught to be active, always doing and solving and tinkering with projects; there is a prevalent image of the hero as a lone cowboy who doesn’t need anyone else because he can handle everything just fine all on his own. There is often a drive to establish hierarchy in relationships between men, which can keep them locked into specific roles. In general, boys tend to make friends through proximity; they are less encouraged to learn complex manners, be nice to everyone, and sacrifice their own comfort for the feelings of others. While many women learn to overbalance toward unhealthy self-sacrifice, they do tend to get more practice in observing, understanding, and caring for others, which may make it easier for them to quickly bond with someone else in a way that men may not have built the patience for. These are gross generalizations, and each friendship will be the unique product of the interplay between two individuals who may not fit into any established stereotypes. I do think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the extra challenges men may face here. Recent studies have shown that loneliness causes the production of stress hormones in the body, and a stressed body is more likely to develop a host of chronic illnesses. It’s a matter of health that we learn to create more satisfying friendships, and it’s worth working on social skills required to build and maintain friendships even if it’s uncomfortable at first. It’s also worth thinking through the stereotypes you were taught, and making your own decisions about who you will become.
So what are the essential skills involved in friendship? Here are a few to consider, though you can doubtless think of more:
- Acceptance. If you were to do nothing but criticize another, they would be unlikely to enjoy spending any time with you at all. Your willingness to accept a friend as good enough just as they are allows them to relax and feel safe to be themselves with you. They will share more of themselves with you, and understanding will grow between you.
- Loyalty. If you’re not able to stand behind your friend even when they act out of character, make a mistake, or are going through a difficult time in which they have little to give, you are likely to grow apart.
- Encouragement. Find ways to listen to what your friend wants for themselves and offer your support, through words or deeds; celebrate what goes right for them, even if you feel moments of envy, so they know you’re invested in their success.
- Compassion. Work to understand how your friend feels. No relationship can have much depth without a sense of mutual compassion and care.
- Generosity. Be willing to give your time, love, and support (in a way that works for you too, of course).
- Honesty. If you aren’t willing to be open with another about what’s true for you, there will be a wall between you. If you aren’t willing to hear what’s true for them, they will end up feeling frustrated. The best expression of honesty is combined in equal measure with kindness. “Brutal honesty” is a display of lack of effort and consideration—after all, do you enjoy being treated with brutality by others? I thought not!
- Fun. While sometimes it helps to pour out our worries and woes to a friend, if you aren’t willing to let those go and allow yourself to have a good time with your friend, you’ll be missing out on one of the best things about friendship. Everyone likes to have fun in different ways, but you can cultivate some sense of fun with each friend. (If you can’t, then you’re probably not a good match.)
- Appreciation. If you don’t genuinely appreciate your friend’s mix of unique qualities and feel enthusiasm for their company, they will eventually notice. It feels a lot better to be around someone who clearly likes you than it does to spend time with someone who is non-committal and blasé.
Whether or not you’re currently good at these skills, growing more comfortable with them is time well spent. Decide to think about one of them each week or month as you go about your social interactions, and notice how you and others display them; experiment with how you can use some of the same techniques you’ve observed, or improve your expression of the ones you’re already familiar with. These are all skills we practice for a lifetime, and there’s no such thing as perfect. Just get in there and work on how you can do a better job than you have in the past. We are social creatures, and any improvements to your relationships will improve the overall quality of your life.