The Essence of Red
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
This week marks the annual return of Valentine's Day, when we focus on love and romance, or on trying to ignore the explosion of candy and red flowers, depending on our situation. This day can be fraught with memories of loneliness, unmet expectations, relationship awkwardness, and more. However, at the core of it is a simple truth. We humans desire the state of being loved, appreciated, and even celebrated, understood for who we are and cherished. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. At the same time, it won't always be what's happening, whether we're in loving relationships or not. For greatest happiness, we must learn to grant ourselves the constant love and appreciation we want to feel.
Just as no one's childhood is perfect, and part of maturity is realizing that you can take on the role of being your own ideal parent to give yourself in the present what you wish you'd had in the past, you can learn to love, approve, and advocate for yourself as your biggest fan would. You can shower yourself with approval and tokens of appreciation for all the best parts of yourself. In fact, learning to treat yourself with the love and respect you want from others puts you in the habit of expecting it, and makes it easier to notice and reject behaviors that reveal incompatible intentions from others. The ability to do this consistently increases your odds of nurturing happy relationships, since you no longer waste your time on low-quality ones.
In the face of challenge, some people will choose to ridicule people who have succeeded where they have not, or disparage the things they most want but haven't figured out how to get. While sometimes it can be fun to humorously reject societal expectations and make your own contrary traditions, as some people like to do around this holiday, rejecting the notion that love is important to you is not healthy. By all means, rail against those who enjoy something you want, or the unfairness of life, now and then if it feels good to vent, but then get back to learning more about how others have succeeded so that you too can eventually have it for yourself. As Tony Robbins says, "Don't get mad, get curious." If anyone has ever had what you want, it's possible, and others can give you clues to the way forward.
Incidentally, some of my very favorite people waited decades for love, finally finding a match in their 40's or 50's or 70's when everyone else seemed to have paired off years earlier. Sometimes the things we crave take way, way longer to arrive than we'd like them to, and sometimes there's just no discernible reason for that. In order to deal with long-term ups and downs, we may need to resort to a variety of coping mechanisms, and that's ok. If you want a loving partnership, or more self-love as you pursue other goals, just try to keep reaffirming an openness to new ideas, and a sense of humor that avoids malice to keep you laughing and returning to greater positivity. Keep your life interesting by doing fun activities that help you meet new people now and then. Celebrate all the loving relationships you've ever had, even the platonic ones, especially the ones you have now. Most important, practice loving and approving of yourself on a daily basis, so that when you meet someone who treats you properly, they'll feel like home.
I hope you find something fun and romantic (appreciative) to do this week, whether with others or by yourself, and that you make it light-hearted and fun. I wish you all the love and companionship you desire.