So Much Happier Blog
What Was That Again?
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
One of the areas of greatest disconnect in relationships is around the concept of listening. Most people think they’re great at listening, and many people overestimate their expertise in this area! Being an effective active listener takes work. It takes dedication, focus, determination to avoid distractions, emotional management, generosity, and willingness to stretch your own boundaries in the cause of better understanding a fellow human being. It’s easy and quite common to go off on mental tangents while others are speaking, including starting to plan your own response before the other person has expressed their thoughts. It can be hard to be patient enough to endure, remaining present, without interrupting, especially when the speaker is not great at organizing their thoughts before speaking, but patience is required if you really want to build understanding.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard regarding effective listening is to take notes, which makes it a lot harder to split your focus by indulging in your own flights of fancy at the same time or jump to conclusions. Taking notes helps to slow down a mind that tends toward hyperdrive. When you’ve fully heard the speaker out, that’s a better time to process what has been said and compose your own contribution for best relevance. And the best practice for active listening is to go back over the speaker’s points, repeating what you think you heard, and asking questions to make sure you’ve understood. Doing this ensures better comprehension, which assures your speaker that you are serious about receiving their communication—and it helps them to feel heard, which pretty much everyone loves.
Why bother? Well, the best relationships, whether with family, friends, colleagues, or new acquaintances, require respectful curiosity and the willingness to compromise. You can’t gather information, get to know someone more deeply, walk in someone else’s shoes for empathy, or keep up with others’ evolution over time without being proficient at listening. If your listening skills are sub-par, your relationships will remain shallow and confusing. In short, no listening, no meaningful relationships.
With this in mind, I thought I’d share an infographic on communication that I thought you might find interesting. It is intended for consumption in the business world, but the facts and figures apply broadly. As you read it, take note: Where do think you really fall the various scales that measure these skills? Might there be room for improvement? Which of these might you practice this week to start improving your relationships further?
So Much Togetherness
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
If you are in one of the many places in the world that are self-isolating right now, then you have been experiencing multiple challenges. One of those is a LOT more time with family and pets who may be used to having a lot more space and alone time. I came across an article on how to keep the peace with you loved ones, and I thought I’d share it for your health and enjoyment!
You can find that here. In addition, know that anytime we undergo big changes to our routines and have to turn on a dime as we have recently, it’s very normal to feel confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, afraid, annoyed, and to be tempted to lash out at others. That doesn’t tend to go well, though, so I suggest you plan to do extra work on yourself and your inner life right now. Taking a little of the time you normally spend on commuting, doing errands, attending social engagements, etc. to do calming activities like taking a bath, writing in a journal, reading a good book, or Tapping can be a huge help in managing all the rapid change you’ve been enduring. Life will begin to pick up again at some point, but for now, don’t try to pretend this isn’t hard.
The Health Risks of Loneliness
“A true community is not just about being geographically close to someone or part of the same social web network. It’s about feeling connected and responsible for what happens. Humanity is our ultimate community, and everyone plays a crucial role.”
There is increasing scientific evidence that loneliness is extremely unhealthy. We all know that it feels bad, but it is now apparent that lonely people have worse health outcomes than those who are not plagued by loneliness, often to a striking degree. This article mentions many ways in which the problem presents itself, but one of the most amazing statistics I found in my travels was that chronic loneliness has negative impact that is comparable to smoking about 15 packs of cigarettes a day! Well, when you put it that way, I guess we all need to pay attention!
There can be many reasons for rampant loneliness, as the causes of it are obviously subjective. Some of the main factors may be:
- The pace of modern life, which leaves little time for the kinds of unhurried interactions in which we build feelings of closeness with others
- The fact that we often don't live in close proximity to those we care most about, when in olden days we would have lived in small villages where everyone knew each other, and everyone we knew was physically close
- Young people may experience a great deal of social isolation until they build social skills and find acceptance in a group of friends. This can take much longer than is healthy
- Older people who made friends in school through proximity with others may not have built adequate social skills to continue making friends throughout life. Social skills are generally not specifically taught, so those not naturally talented in this area may struggle for a lifetime
- Because the expression of emotions is still considered taboo in many ways, those in the midst of adversity may retreat inward; admitting to having difficulty could lead to being judged as weak. They then don't receive the healthy support that could help them get through the tough times, which reinforces the experience of loneliness
- Mental and emotional health assistance is still stigmatized, so many who could really use professional health of some kind don't seek it
- Social media, where many get a lot of their interactions these days, can foment nastiness and resentments in public discourse as much as they connect us with creativity and support
Obviously these are just a smattering of the possible causes of modern loneliness, but do any of these sound familiar? Knowing that your long-term health may depend on it, what do you think you might do differently in order to foster deeper, more satisfying relationships? We'll look more at possible solutions going forward, but why not start thinking about ways that you can make the most of the social time you do get?
How can you stay present with the most important people in your life? If you have a choice to make about how to spend time and one of your choices might deepen a friendship, can you choose that one this week? Can you write a note or have a quick conversation with someone about something meaningful to remind both of you of the bond of trust you share? I bet if you just keep thinking about this in the background of your routines, you can find little ways to appreciate and build the relationships you have in small but impactful ways. Relationships are built and nurtured over time, so there's never a better time to start than now. The benefits of growing better habits are and will remain of the utmost importance to the quality of your health and happiness.
When You See It, Believe It
“The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.”
The world can get pretty crazy, pretty overwhelming, and it can be very hard to know who to trust when it seems like there's an endless parade of people and businesses constantly—and loudly—vying for your attention. The stress of the constant stream of small decisions required to navigate through your day can be exhausting. Here's a simple trick we all probably know, but it bears repeating as an aid in making good decisions: Rely on what people do, not on what they say.
In the context of private relationships, this means that, though we all think and talk about many courses of action (some with great enthusiasm), we won't end up following all of these to successful completion. We all have to make value judgments in order to land on decisions about what to do with our limited time, and this happens in an ever-changing medium of context. While talk will tell you what people would like to do and experience, only their actions will reveal what they are willing to work and sacrifice for.
Some people's value judgments will be easy to understand. Others' will seem erratic and inscrutable to you. Still others' will be reprehensible in your eyes. It simplifies life and reduces stress to align yourself primarily with those whose actions you can mostly understand and approve of ("mostly" because let's be honest—no one is perfect, and everyone's viewpoint is slightly different based on the cauldron of experience, good, bad, and ugly, that has shaped them). While we can't expect faultless reliability or other flavors of perfection from anyone, we can expect that interactions with some people will feel good to us because they're fun to be around, and a good match for some of our most important values. Others won't. This matters. But if you're not also watching their long-term actions and allowing those to educate you about this person, you'll miss all the best indicators of where they're actually going.
Predicating your life on someone's potential rather than on who they actually are in this moment will open you up to a world of hurt and disappointment. I believe that people have boundless potential, but a happy life requires that you learn to choose relationships with people on a similar enough wavelength that you can love and enjoy them as they are now. By all means, challenge yourself to appreciate and love people who are outside your current comfort zone, but don't expect to live peacefully if you've allowed a whole bunch of people whose actions betray wildly incompatible values into your inner circle.
In a business context, you're looking for something similar—how does the business treat its customers? How do you feel when you interact with it, respected or played? Are its sales pitches showing you value that might help you and inviting you to participate, or seeking to manipulate you and your emotions through pressure and control tactics? How the business and its representatives behave is more important than the words, which may turn out to be acutely self-serving, just as any single person's may be.
As you move through your life, I hope you'll let the actions of others inform your actions, and that you'll find it a lot easier to make healthy decisions for yourself this way. It can cut down on the confusion in making all the judgment calls that make up a day in a modern life. Anything that provides clarity and greater ease so that we can all be less stressed and have more time to live out our purpose is definitely what I'm after! Feel free to comment below on how observing others' actions has helped you, or would have had you managed to do it!
The Essence of Red
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
This week marks the annual return of Valentine's Day, when we focus on love and romance, or on trying to ignore the explosion of candy and red flowers, depending on our situation. This day can be fraught with memories of loneliness, unmet expectations, relationship awkwardness, and more. However, at the core of it is a simple truth. We humans desire the state of being loved, appreciated, and even celebrated, understood for who we are and cherished. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. At the same time, it won't always be what's happening, whether we're in loving relationships or not. For greatest happiness, we must learn to grant ourselves the constant love and appreciation we want to feel.
Just as no one's childhood is perfect, and part of maturity is realizing that you can take on the role of being your own ideal parent to give yourself in the present what you wish you'd had in the past, you can learn to love, approve, and advocate for yourself as your biggest fan would. You can shower yourself with approval and tokens of appreciation for all the best parts of yourself. In fact, learning to treat yourself with the love and respect you want from others puts you in the habit of expecting it, and makes it easier to notice and reject behaviors that reveal incompatible intentions from others. The ability to do this consistently increases your odds of nurturing happy relationships, since you no longer waste your time on low-quality ones.
In the face of challenge, some people will choose to ridicule people who have succeeded where they have not, or disparage the things they most want but haven't figured out how to get. While sometimes it can be fun to humorously reject societal expectations and make your own contrary traditions, as some people like to do around this holiday, rejecting the notion that love is important to you is not healthy. By all means, rail against those who enjoy something you want, or the unfairness of life, now and then if it feels good to vent, but then get back to learning more about how others have succeeded so that you too can eventually have it for yourself. As Tony Robbins says, "Don't get mad, get curious." If anyone has ever had what you want, it's possible, and others can give you clues to the way forward.
Incidentally, some of my very favorite people waited decades for love, finally finding a match in their 40's or 50's or 70's when everyone else seemed to have paired off years earlier. Sometimes the things we crave take way, way longer to arrive than we'd like them to, and sometimes there's just no discernible reason for that. In order to deal with long-term ups and downs, we may need to resort to a variety of coping mechanisms, and that's ok. If you want a loving partnership, or more self-love as you pursue other goals, just try to keep reaffirming an openness to new ideas, and a sense of humor that avoids malice to keep you laughing and returning to greater positivity. Keep your life interesting by doing fun activities that help you meet new people now and then. Celebrate all the loving relationships you've ever had, even the platonic ones, especially the ones you have now. Most important, practice loving and approving of yourself on a daily basis, so that when you meet someone who treats you properly, they'll feel like home.
I hope you find something fun and romantic (appreciative) to do this week, whether with others or by yourself, and that you make it light-hearted and fun. I wish you all the love and companionship you desire.
Walking the High Wire
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
With an estimated 7.4 billion people on the planet in 2016, it can seem as though there can be nothing new under the sun, and yet new discoveries are made every day. New songs are written, paintings made, books completed, gizmos prototyped, with every passing day. Humans are a busy lot! This is possible because genetically, there has never been anyone identical to you in history. We’re all intrinsically unique, and with so many moving parts, both concrete and intangible—hopes and desires, likes and dislikes, talents and challenges; physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual progress and happenings. Every day is a kaleidoscope of your interacting elements, which never cease to run through their individual cycles; yet those cycles are all timed differently, and rarely align in the same way because of the complexity of the model. To a certain extent, in trying to maintain our balance with all of our parts, we’re all trying to slog our way across a high wire bucking in a high wind.
One of the great challenges in life is that, because of our uniqueness, no one can create a formula for living that is perfect for more than one person. We can share our wins and losses with each other, and we can offer the wisdom we feel we’ve acquired, but sometimes others won’t even be able to hear the messages we’re sending let alone duplicate our successes and failures. We must all tinker with the models that have been passed down to us if our greatest possible success and happiness is what we’re after. And there’s a sort of catch-22 at play, in that we have to be in a reasonably balanced state in order to make good decisions for ourselves, but without making “good” decisions that suit our needs, it’s hard to find balance. We start by making decisions that others have told us are good, but whether they will suit our uniqueness and get us where we want to go is always the question.
When how we operate, or what we want, is sufficiently different from those around us, whether in one way or in many, we may feel particularly bewildered about what to do. Maintaining some semblance of balance is a lifelong endeavor, and there is no “done,” but it’s even harder when you’re young or when you’re striking out in new directions. Luckily, in this age of information, we have access to guidance from sources well outside our own communities, and that can be incredibly helpful in broadening our horizons. You still have to put advice into practice and try it out for yourself, and you need the patience to do this over time, as every day is different. For instance, sometimes your first attempt at something will be disastrous, but with practice you realize its merit. I once watched a fellow participant in a meditation class, a first-timer, have a full-on meltdown because she was so frightened by the prospect of confronting her internal world in silence. As soon as she tried to do it, she panicked and essentially ran screaming from the exercise. In this case, I don’t know whether she ever tried again, but I do know that many people who initially find meditation to be extremely challenging learn to love some form of it with experimentation and practice. And when I first tried EFT/Tapping, I was not even sure that I felt anything at all, but after several practice sessions, I became more and more astonished with its efficacy and usefulness. I just had to put it into practice and experiment with it for myself.
I wish I had all the answers and could make everything easier for everyone, but that’s a tall order! I’ll just have to offer some ideas here for constructing your own tool kit for navigating your own personal high wire:
· Start simply. Address your physical needs first: Eat the highest-quality food you can get your hands on, including plenty of vegetables and fruits grown with the fewest and least possible pesticides (poison to you and me); avoid refined sugars and other empty calories, in other words those foods lacking in nutrition; aim for 7+ hours of sleep per night, and try adjusting up and down to see what works best for you; get some form of exercise on a regular basis—find a way to move your body and sweat at least a little. These items form the basis of any life lived in some semblance of balance. You can’t skip them, nor can anyone who wants to remain alive in a physical body, so when you’re out of sorts, come back to these first, always.
· Ask yourself what your mental and emotional states are generally like, and spend some time noticing. Find daily practices that support healthy attitudes and emotional expression. I’ve written other blogs on these issues that you may want to check out, but in short, meditate, do affirmations about your values and your intentions, talk to supportive friends and family, write in a journal, read books about people who inspire you, use EFT or hypnosis recordings, attend meetings of like-minded others; adding a spiritual component to any of these is even better, whatever your tradition of choice might be.
· Take a look at the overall shape of your life. Are you doing work you like, are you making enough money to meet your needs, are your relationships supportive and satisfying, are there activities you look forward to experiencing when you wake up in the morning? When you answer no, think about baby steps you could take to move toward situations you’d like better. If you’re stuck, ask for help or find it in a library or online. Choose a small step to make and put your plan in motion. It’s ok if you can’t see the whole path to your destination. Just do something. Every time you make an attempt, you learn and grow.
· Do you feel a sense of purpose in life? If not, it will be hard to stay engaged in life, let alone feel inspired; look for clues in the things you loved to do as a child, in the achievements you feel best about as you think back over your life, and in the kinds of things that move you deeply in movies and books. If you suddenly had all the money in the world, and you had a year off to rest and travel and regroup, what do you think you could do all day and not get tired of? (This can take some serious imagination if you’re someone who has lived with a lot of obligations or who is chronically exhausted, but it can also be a lot of fun, and is worth trying.) You can start with a very basic idea like wanting to “help people,” “motivate others,” or “clean up messes,” and then think about your favorite skills to use to see what might be up your alley. If you love to cook, you might find that helping others could combine with that so that you envision starting a catering company that donates a percentage of meals to those in need. If you feel satisfied by cleaning up messes, and your favorite skills are in information technology, you might be able to work as a consultant to people and companies who need to get organized in the digital space. This can take effort to think through, but having a purpose that feels important and expressive of who you are is an essential component in maintaining your energy levels and your commitment to persisting in the face of difficulty, which we all face every day!
Creating and maintaining good functional balance is never going to be easy, especially in today’s fast-paced world, but if you yearn for a better life, this is unavoidable work. If you can become fascinated with the process of learning about what you need and what is key for you, that is the best solution. If you make some noticeable progress in your overall balance, your success stories will likely drive you as you continue learning and experimenting with new ideas. No one knows you as well as you know you, so trust your hunches, and try not to freak out if something you try goes badly. After all, every day is different. If you try the same thing on a different day, you might find that you get a different result. Keep reminding yourself that this is work that feeds everything you’re able to do and become, and it’s worth a great deal of effort. Over time, your ability to maintain balance will build naturally if you keep at it. Confused? Go back to basics, and as you do this repeatedly, you’ll build helpful habits that make greater flexibility and creativity possible. Celebrate your successes, learn from both success and failure, and just keep inching along that wire.
There's No Place Like Home, Part II
“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”
In the last blog, we examined the importance of your feelings of safety from the outside world while you're at home. This week, we'll talk about maintaining a safe, secure environment inside the home, which is just as vital to your health and happiness for all the same reasons. There are two aspects of safety we’ll touch on, both physical and emotional safety; both need attention if we are to feel that we are truly free to reach confidently for the things we most desire out of life.
When we're spending time in at home, in the space that's supposed to be just for us, we deserve to feel supported, loved, understood, and protected. We live in environments that we ourselves have created in our imperfect image—we are constantly confronted with the choices that have made it what it is; we've made these choices over time, sometimes without even realizing that we're doing it. The countless small decisions of the past add up to an effect that we feel every time we open the door. Let’s take a few moments to consider what you’ve established and whether you feel good about it. For instance, do you feel comfortable with how being at home generally feels to you? With the way you spend your time there? With the others who populate the world of your home? If not, you have the power to modify the conditions inside your home to improve your comfort and safety.
The louder of the two aspects of safety is the physical—if you feel like your safety is in jeopardy because someone close to you is violent and may potentially harm you physically, this will tend to be very obvious to you, very upsetting and hard to ignore. That’s as it should be! Someone who can’t even treat you with the respect required to refrain from hurting you outwardly does not belong anyone near you. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why we sometimes put up with behavior from others that is completely inappropriate. Those may include that this person is a family member, and we can’t just choose not to be related to them anymore (it can seem unthinkable to cut someone out of your life who has been such a long-standing part of your life.) It may be that we love and care for this person, even feel that we understand them, and so we wish to be a loving influence in their lives. It may be that we fear change and are afraid to be alone. Whatever the reason you might give, there is a lot of great information out there in the world on dealing with abusive relationships, and while I certainly hope that you’re not a part of anything that looks like this, if you are, there is help for you. I encourage you to go find it. No one should have to live in fear for their physical safety.
On a slightly different note, it is also possible to feel physically threatened by a pet that lives with you. Sometimes it’s necessary to be honest with yourself and admit that a pet that seemed like a good idea at one time is not conducive to your happiness and safety any longer. This can be very difficult for some of the same reasons as described above regarding threatening people. Our pets are family to many of us, and recognizing that a relationship with one isn’t healthy and taking action to correct the situation can be extremely painful. However, it may be easier to change/”train” a pet than a human, so if this is your issue, you may want to look into getting professional help with the animal’s behavior. You’ll still need to be ready to make a new choice if the relationship feels threatening after your best efforts. Your safety, again, should come first.
In order to create an environment that really feels safe and secure from the inside, we must also consider the emotional quality of our relationships with people, as they are at the core of our home's overall effect on us. If you feel that those who figure importantly in your time at home are likely to attack you, your choices, your character, you are not going to be able to enjoy the sense of harmony from which you can be at your best, see clearly, have good ideas, and live a high-functioning life.
· Most importantly, who gets to live in your personal space with you? As anyone who has ever had a bad, or even just incompatible, roommate knows, this affects so many areas of daily life. If someone in our space is at cross purposes with us, it can seem like the whole world is opposing our every move! On the other hand, if you enjoy the people you live with, you get to experience a sense that life is more fun because you’re not alone; you get to feel that others are looking out for you and the home base you share. Ideally, those you live with love and support you in such a way that you feel seen and accepted for who you are when you're around them. If this in not what you generally feel at home, you are dealing with unnecessary stress and dissonance, and you can improve your happiness dramatically by giving some thought to the situation and taking appropriate corrective action.
· Who visits regularly? Who else you allow into your space with regularity also has a lot of bearing on how you will feel at home. If you’re allowing people into your personal space who don’t seem to be on your side, people who are judgmental, selfish, or overly demanding, you will begin to feel that you cannot relax even at home. It will be hard to rest and enjoy downtime there. Again, you are inviting stress into your experience that could be eliminated through the establishment of some better rules about how you use your home.
· Who calls your home number and expects you to pick up the phone? You train others to expect your time and attention by demonstrating when you’re available to them, as well as, in this case, giving out your digits in the first place. If you’re in the habit of giving away all your time and energy to others over the phone when you’re at home, this is another way in which you may be creating a home environment that doesn’t feel safe, calm, and supportive to you. While I’m not suggesting that you should act like a hermit and refuse to talk to anyone once you’re home, I do think it’s important to make sure you get some time to yourself regularly that’s free of unwelcome demands. You decide what time you will give to your community of friends and family, and must make sure you communicate what time is off limits.
· Who has a key and can let themselves in? This level of trust belongs only with those you know you can trust no matter what, and it pays to be very selective on this count.
If a relationship with a family member or other roommate is not supportive to you, and you want to restore your feelings of safety, you'll need to find a way to communicate your experience and ask for changes. This is an area in which we tend to be woefully uneducated, and the idea of confronting others about what’s not working can be frightening because we’re not confident that we can lead the situation to a helpful resolution. There are many excellent books available on building your communication skills, and I highly recommend that you make it a priority to brush up on them if you ever have trouble talking to people in your life about important subjects—and who doesn’t, really? One of the books I like to recommend is Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, because it deals specifically with isolating the bad habits we usually fall into when attempting to communicate important content and finding ways to break out of them. I think that communication skills are a critic necessity for living a happy life, and I encourage you to consider yourself a lifelong learner here. Being able to accurately and confidently express yourself makes it possible to achieve so much more in your life. You deserve to be able to handle whatever comes up with other people in the most constructive way possible.
Beyond verbal discussion, there may come a time when you need to set some boundaries and enforce them in order to create a sense of lasting safety for yourself. Again, many of us have not been trained in confidently discerning and putting into place the boundaries we need. If you are in a situation that feels bad to you, particularly at home, and you don’t see a way to resolve it, you’ll need to find an advisor to help you find a way through. A smart, balanced friend or family member or a professional counselor of some kind can help you to see the situation more clearly and find the course of action that is most appropriate for you.
Taking some time to review how safe you feel at home, both physically and emotionally, is extremely important to the overall quality of your life. It’s very difficult to be your best self if you don’t feel that you have a place to be in your downtime that is basically supportive and peaceful for you. Please allow yourself to really consider this and see if anything stands out to you as needing your attention. Confronting these issues can be most uncomfortable, but is well worth it in the long run. Proving to yourself that you can improve this aspect of your life will improve your confidence in yourself and your ability to improve other areas of your life as well.