What Was That Again?
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
One of the areas of greatest disconnect in relationships is around the concept of listening. Most people think they’re great at listening, and many people overestimate their expertise in this area! Being an effective active listener takes work. It takes dedication, focus, determination to avoid distractions, emotional management, generosity, and willingness to stretch your own boundaries in the cause of better understanding a fellow human being. It’s easy and quite common to go off on mental tangents while others are speaking, including starting to plan your own response before the other person has expressed their thoughts. It can be hard to be patient enough to endure, remaining present, without interrupting, especially when the speaker is not great at organizing their thoughts before speaking, but patience is required if you really want to build understanding.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard regarding effective listening is to take notes, which makes it a lot harder to split your focus by indulging in your own flights of fancy at the same time or jump to conclusions. Taking notes helps to slow down a mind that tends toward hyperdrive. When you’ve fully heard the speaker out, that’s a better time to process what has been said and compose your own contribution for best relevance. And the best practice for active listening is to go back over the speaker’s points, repeating what you think you heard, and asking questions to make sure you’ve understood. Doing this ensures better comprehension, which assures your speaker that you are serious about receiving their communication—and it helps them to feel heard, which pretty much everyone loves.
Why bother? Well, the best relationships, whether with family, friends, colleagues, or new acquaintances, require respectful curiosity and the willingness to compromise. You can’t gather information, get to know someone more deeply, walk in someone else’s shoes for empathy, or keep up with others’ evolution over time without being proficient at listening. If your listening skills are sub-par, your relationships will remain shallow and confusing. In short, no listening, no meaningful relationships.
With this in mind, I thought I’d share an infographic on communication that I thought you might find interesting. It is intended for consumption in the business world, but the facts and figures apply broadly. As you read it, take note: Where do think you really fall the various scales that measure these skills? Might there be room for improvement? Which of these might you practice this week to start improving your relationships further?