So Much Happier Blog
What Was That Again?
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
One of the areas of greatest disconnect in relationships is around the concept of listening. Most people think they’re great at listening, and many people overestimate their expertise in this area! Being an effective active listener takes work. It takes dedication, focus, determination to avoid distractions, emotional management, generosity, and willingness to stretch your own boundaries in the cause of better understanding a fellow human being. It’s easy and quite common to go off on mental tangents while others are speaking, including starting to plan your own response before the other person has expressed their thoughts. It can be hard to be patient enough to endure, remaining present, without interrupting, especially when the speaker is not great at organizing their thoughts before speaking, but patience is required if you really want to build understanding.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard regarding effective listening is to take notes, which makes it a lot harder to split your focus by indulging in your own flights of fancy at the same time or jump to conclusions. Taking notes helps to slow down a mind that tends toward hyperdrive. When you’ve fully heard the speaker out, that’s a better time to process what has been said and compose your own contribution for best relevance. And the best practice for active listening is to go back over the speaker’s points, repeating what you think you heard, and asking questions to make sure you’ve understood. Doing this ensures better comprehension, which assures your speaker that you are serious about receiving their communication—and it helps them to feel heard, which pretty much everyone loves.
Why bother? Well, the best relationships, whether with family, friends, colleagues, or new acquaintances, require respectful curiosity and the willingness to compromise. You can’t gather information, get to know someone more deeply, walk in someone else’s shoes for empathy, or keep up with others’ evolution over time without being proficient at listening. If your listening skills are sub-par, your relationships will remain shallow and confusing. In short, no listening, no meaningful relationships.
With this in mind, I thought I’d share an infographic on communication that I thought you might find interesting. It is intended for consumption in the business world, but the facts and figures apply broadly. As you read it, take note: Where do think you really fall the various scales that measure these skills? Might there be room for improvement? Which of these might you practice this week to start improving your relationships further?
When You Assume...
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
Ok folks, here we go with more on communication skills. This is an area in which improvement gains you greater power in all areas of your life, so time devoted to it is never wasted. Unless you're a hermit on a mountaintop, you need these skills every day, so we're going to stick with the subject until we've covered what I think are the most helpful general ground rules to remember when talking with other people, whether they're your closest loved ones or perfect strangers.
This next one can prevent combustion when your discussion is approaching a flash point, so don't disregard it because it seems too simple. Here it is: Make no assumptions. Now, you might be thinking, "Right, sure, I get it." But this is much harder to do than it seems at first glance. To really hear what someone else is saying, you often have to continue listening past when you might think you've gotten the message. No matter how close you are to another person, they remain distinct from you, always changing, and ever surprising; it pays to remember that. No one likes for you to assume you know everything about them, because today something may have changed. Sometimes people change so slowly that we don't see it happening, but conversation will reveal new viewpoints.
In order to be part of an authentic exchange, we need the courage to be willing to hear about others' changes, even if they affect us. It's natural and good for all of us to continue to learn, change and grow throughout life. We are supposed to progress, with the accumulation of experience, toward wisdom. Each person with the necessary health and capacities is on their own adventure toward this end. It is ungenerous to try to hold someone in a stagnant place because that's more comfortable for you. If you fear the ways in which others' changes will affect you, that means you have work to do. If you don't do your personal work around that, you'll be unable to truly hear and understand another person.
The prospect of change can be frightening, no doubt about it, so you will be best served by finding ways to handle your fears. Feeling fear is part of the human experience, but like all emotions, it's a signal with a message for you. If you can hear and acknowledge the message, you will usually feel better immediately to some extent. Then what remains is the work of deciding which actions you will take to remedy the cause of the emotion. I cannot emphasize enough how much EFT/Tapping can help you with this kind of work—finding both clarity and the willingness to respond to your emotions appropriately. EFT is an amazing, free tool that is gentle and easy to use. I suggest that you and become comfortable with using it. Even just using the basics can give you significant support in dealing with your emotions.
It's great to acknowledge when someone else's communications strike fear into your heart once the other person has had a chance to say their piece. That helps you not to expend energy hiding how you feel, and it gives the other person the opportunity to consider your place in their process so that you can work out a plan that works for both. However, generally I suggest that you start by checking what you've heard to make sure that you understand. Put what you think they've said into your own words and see whether they agree that you're on the same page. If you are, then you can explain your immediate reaction, as well as your willingness to compromise or work together—or your need for something else entirely. If you immediately spin out when you think you may have heard something you didn't like, you'll tend to get lost in your own thoughts, and any hope of really understanding and finding common ground with the other person goes out the window. It's all too easy for unfortunate misunderstandings to ensue. If you think they're being a jerk, and you repeat back what you think they've said calmly to make sure you understand, they'll appreciate the opportunity to rephrase if they did not communicate clearly. It also gives them an opportunity to hear how what they said sounds, and sometimes people will rethink their position when they realize that it sounds mean or inappropriate.
Reminding yourself that it's your job to allow others to be who they are, and that it's right for them to have the opportunity to follow their own path, may be necessary. So may be the willingness to keep revisiting a subject if understanding can't be reached immediately. Sometimes the greatest leaps in our facility with communication skills come about because relationships with those we care most about challenge us to step up. This process may not always be fun, but it is rewarding if you refuse to give up. The ability to listen calmly and remain open to communications from others is a valuable life skill that will enable you to understand others on a deeper level, make better choices, and relate to them in ways that ultimately work for you.