So Much Happier Blog
Finding Your Way Home
“Passion is one great force that unleashes creativity, because if you’re passionate about something, then you’re more willing to take risks.”
I’ve been thinking this week about the concept of failure for a number of reasons, for example:
We live in a densely populated world, which makes it harder for everyone to feel that who they are and what they do matters
We are taught that our value lies in what we do and accomplish
We are taught that if we are seen to fail, that means something very bad about our inherent value and our future possibilities
A vast number of people end up immobilized by shame, disappointment, and dread about failing again
Therefore, there is an inestimable amount of human capacity, even genius, that goes to waste every day on this planet that is so badly in need of solutions to ongoing problems
I’ll be writing more about failure in the coming weeks, but this week I found a video that I thought would be worth sharing. It focuses on the importance of building your life around what you are most passionate about, because this is a reliable antidote to confusion about whether we are better than or less good than we “should” be. There are several great things about this video, I think, one of which is the acknowledgement that it can be just as frightening to succeed as it is to fail. I hope you’ll find it interesting, and a good starting point for thinking about your concepts of failure and how they serve you.
Welcome, 2019!
As we begin a new year, I decided to share a beautiful guest blog by my friend Lexi Soulios. I hope you’ll take in the energy of this blessing and return to it all year long when you need to feel refreshed (bookmark it for yourself if you’d like to do that). Enjoy, and I look forward to sharing all the blessings off 2019 with you!
GENTLE, LOVING BLESSINGS FOR YOU 💖
...as we leave the darkest days of the year behind.
✨ MAY YOU BE BOUNTIFUL in all things good and nourishing this year.
✨ May you see the support that's available and feel comfortable receiving, so that YOU CAN THRIVE.
🌿 May you remember each day to close your eyes and take a deeeeep breath...to fill your lungs with the MIRACLE OF *YOUR* LIFE.
✨ If fear and worry steal your ability to be in the present moment, may you realize that you are MORE THAN CAPABLE of handling any challenges you encounter.
✨ If shame weighs on your shoulders and caves in your chest, let your mind come upon a new curiosity about where that shame was born. YOU ARE GLORIOUS and GOOD and DESERVING OF SUNLIGHT ON YOUR FACE!
✨ If you often work to suppress an ever-present anger, please know that healthy anger CREATES NEEDED BOUNDARIES and PROTECTS LOVED ONES. If you have more anger than you can handle, may you notice if you’re carrying anger on behalf of someone else—and be able to give it back to them. (It’s theirs to handle.)
🌿 For every day that you step your feet onto our precious earth, may you feel your DIVINE RIGHT TO EXIST, to be exactly who you are, exactly where you are.
✨ May your world reflect back to you all the ways YOU ARE WANTED AND LOVED. 💗
✨ May you FEEL WORTHY and KNOW YOUR OWN VALUE.
✨ If you're calling in a new job, a new home, a new assistant, a new partner...may you realize that this person or situation you are praying for is praying for YOU too. 🙏🏼
YOU ARE THE ANSWER TO OTHER PEOPLE'S PRAYERS.
Every characteristic that is *uniquely you* is *uniquely right* for where you’re meant to be and who you’re meant to be with.
🌾 If you feel absolutely stuck and unable to move forward in the way you want, may you realize that every block in the way (of your wealth, your ideal partnership, your peace of mind, your joy) is not as formidable as it may seem.
BLOCKS CAN BE BROKEN DOWN INTO SMALLER BITS AND CLEARED.
🍃 May patterns of overwork, over-responsibility and over-giving disintegrate, and a more HARMONIOUS FLOW of give-and-take and BALANCE BE RESTORED in your field.
🌺 MAY YOU ALWAYS BE BLESSED with physical comforts, genuine connection, and plenty of sacred time for quiet and rest.
☀️ As the light returns to our hemisphere once again...
may your JOY GROW,
your PEACE OF MIND COME TO STAY,
and your HOPEFULNESS EXPAND INTO VISIONS OF THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES before you. 🌅
Wishing you and all your loved ones a wonderfully auspicious start to 2019.
The Essence of Red
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
This week marks the annual return of Valentine's Day, when we focus on love and romance, or on trying to ignore the explosion of candy and red flowers, depending on our situation. This day can be fraught with memories of loneliness, unmet expectations, relationship awkwardness, and more. However, at the core of it is a simple truth. We humans desire the state of being loved, appreciated, and even celebrated, understood for who we are and cherished. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. At the same time, it won't always be what's happening, whether we're in loving relationships or not. For greatest happiness, we must learn to grant ourselves the constant love and appreciation we want to feel.
Just as no one's childhood is perfect, and part of maturity is realizing that you can take on the role of being your own ideal parent to give yourself in the present what you wish you'd had in the past, you can learn to love, approve, and advocate for yourself as your biggest fan would. You can shower yourself with approval and tokens of appreciation for all the best parts of yourself. In fact, learning to treat yourself with the love and respect you want from others puts you in the habit of expecting it, and makes it easier to notice and reject behaviors that reveal incompatible intentions from others. The ability to do this consistently increases your odds of nurturing happy relationships, since you no longer waste your time on low-quality ones.
In the face of challenge, some people will choose to ridicule people who have succeeded where they have not, or disparage the things they most want but haven't figured out how to get. While sometimes it can be fun to humorously reject societal expectations and make your own contrary traditions, as some people like to do around this holiday, rejecting the notion that love is important to you is not healthy. By all means, rail against those who enjoy something you want, or the unfairness of life, now and then if it feels good to vent, but then get back to learning more about how others have succeeded so that you too can eventually have it for yourself. As Tony Robbins says, "Don't get mad, get curious." If anyone has ever had what you want, it's possible, and others can give you clues to the way forward.
Incidentally, some of my very favorite people waited decades for love, finally finding a match in their 40's or 50's or 70's when everyone else seemed to have paired off years earlier. Sometimes the things we crave take way, way longer to arrive than we'd like them to, and sometimes there's just no discernible reason for that. In order to deal with long-term ups and downs, we may need to resort to a variety of coping mechanisms, and that's ok. If you want a loving partnership, or more self-love as you pursue other goals, just try to keep reaffirming an openness to new ideas, and a sense of humor that avoids malice to keep you laughing and returning to greater positivity. Keep your life interesting by doing fun activities that help you meet new people now and then. Celebrate all the loving relationships you've ever had, even the platonic ones, especially the ones you have now. Most important, practice loving and approving of yourself on a daily basis, so that when you meet someone who treats you properly, they'll feel like home.
I hope you find something fun and romantic (appreciative) to do this week, whether with others or by yourself, and that you make it light-hearted and fun. I wish you all the love and companionship you desire.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it. ”
Leaving behind a love partnership can be one of the greatest challenges you’ll ever face. If you know that it’s not a good match, for whatever reason, though, you must do so in order to make room for the rest of your life to renew itself and open up new possibilities. Whatever seems to be the case now, you can feel zestful, joyful, and happy again. Your efforts to move on will need to span these categories:
Emotional. You likely have wonderful memories you’re having trouble remembering without pain; you also probably have sad memories about the way things ended. In order to really process these emotions rather than just sweeping them under the rug, I recommend EFT, or Tapping. It’s tremendously useful in helping to come to a place of inner peace and soothe the sting of difficult emotions. You may also find that journaling helps, or talking to a supportive friend who can help you affirm that things will get better, as well as have some fun and normalcy in the midst of your upset.
Mental. Your mental habits play a huge role in creating your emotional states. You can learn and practice over time choosing more positive thoughts and framing. This won’t really work if you’re not managing your emotions, but when you do both, it can be astonishing how quickly you can feel better (though grieving is a personal process, and I’m not suggesting that the goal is to rush through it). At first, just notice how often you’re allowing yourself to dwell on negative thoughts. Then, practice just turning over each thought with a slightly more positive spin. Meditation is great for helping you to slow down your thoughts enough to be able to do these things. When you first start working on this, you will probably be shocked with how hard it is, but it is so worth the effort. You really do have the power to think and feel differently over time.
Spiritual. I believe that the value of each human being is inestimable, people are basically good, and life can and should be enjoyed, as long as we take care as best we can not to harm others. What are some of your most positive spiritual beliefs? Refocusing on these will help you to remember what feels most true and good about you and others, and may help you to tap into a tremendous well of inspiration that can help guide you forward when life is difficult. Writing these down and reading them at least once per day keeps returning you to the joyful expression of your core beliefs. This is so easy, yet so powerful.
Physical. Your body and its health plays a huge role in your daily experience of life. Acknowledging that you’re worthy of self-care and taking daily steps to gift yourself with good nutrition, rest and sleep habits, and appropriate exercise is absolutely key in keeping your self going throughout challenge. There is so much joy in feeling fit, flexible and at home in your body. Don’t leave that on the table. Even when you’re happily in a loving relationship, if you let this area slide, it will drag your happiness downward, so you might as well take the opportunity when you’re alone and undistracted to build good habits here.
Affirming Actions. Find things to do that make you feel better and that grant you perspective. Laugh at good comedy (nothing too mean). Volunteer to help with any cause you care about. Get out into nature and walk, run, hike, bike, etc. Go look at beautiful things in museums. Enjoy thoughtfully crafted books, movies, music.
Please do everything you can to be loving to yourself at this time. We all go through sad times in life. This is not who you are, nor does it mean that there’s something wrong with you. As we grow and change, circumstances in our lives will continue to transform, and that’s ok; getting used to this idea is an important element in acquiring wisdom. There is a great deal of life waiting for you whenever you feel ready to allow it in again. Keep taking care of yourself, and you eventually will.
Interview with The Feng Shui Guy
“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.”
Ariel Joseph Towne, The Feng Shui Guy
Have you ever been curious about Feng Shui? You're in luck! I sat down with Ariel Joseph Towne, a.k.a. The Feng Shui Guy, to talk about this ancient art form: What it is, how he came to know it, and how it can help to create balance in your life. Our lively conversation ranged over topics such as how he helps people support good sleep, his secrets on fostering synchronicity, the dynamic connection between inner and outer work, and the importance of inner quiet and gratitude. Be sure to check out his Web site for more information about his books and coaching services.
To Love and Be Loved
“Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.”
A discussion of love and belongingness needs would certainly not be complete without a look at romance and intimacy, so that’s what we’ll focus on this week. In case you haven’t noticed, the world we live in is obsessed with romantic love, and the dream of intimate relationships between “soulmates,” pairs of people who seem to have achieved perfect harmony. Practically every song on the radio and every story line ever written include stories of loves won and lost. While many of us do seem to yearn for a deep sense of intimacy and connection with another, others find the idea of this less compelling, or find that what they yearn for is outside the accepted norm of romance; for some, what feels like a truthful expression of self in this realm will lie well outside the much idealized (but less often achieved) happy long-term monogamous relationship between two people. The good news is that, whatever your vision for yourself, there are likely many others in this wide world who want to achieve something similar, and with whom you might find what you’re seeking. Your chances of success are greatly enhanced if you’re willing to be honest with yourself and others about what that is, and courageous enough to stand up for it.
Anyone who has been in love knows that the feelings that result are intoxicating, blissful, both calming and energizing, inspiring. The chemistry of what happens in our bodies when we’re in this state is very real, and it all just feels, well, really good! Often effortlessly so. It’s natural to want to stay in it. However, maintaining this state over time requires some effort, the building of numerous skills that must mature with practice and experience, and the willingness to be challenged repeatedly. In some ways, this kind of love is even more challenging than familial relationships specifically because we are not related (at least let’s hope!) Your family members didn’t choose to be related to you, but they always will be. In romantic partnership, we’re clear that the other person always has a choice in whether to stay or walk away, and knowing this creates constant vulnerability. If one hasn’t done the necessary work to feel like a successful independent person who can comfortably live alone, this vulnerability can feel nearly unbearable. Human beings are social creatures who come pre-set with a terrible fear of being rejected and alone. Allowing love in is, in some ways, a radical act of optimism and one of the greatest leaps of faith it’s possible to make.
Vulnerability in relationships is also a product of allowing someone close enough in to really see us for who we are. In revealing ever more of ourselves, we give the other ever more chances to judge us as not good enough, and to wound us with that judgment. For many people, the fear of not being good, not being enough, is the worst of all. The idea of letting someone else see us clearly, and giving them the opportunity to confirm it if they will, can be terrifying. But one of the greatest benefits of taking a chance on love is the opportunity to be seen with our faults and loved anyway. This doesn’t happen every time—obviously—but when it does, it can go a long way toward helping us to heal from our fears of inadequacy. There’s no substitute for working on bolstering our self-worth from within, but real, accepting, caring love rewards our radical leap of faith by unleashing radical forces of healing. I think part of the reason so many of us pine for it is that we instinctively know the truth of this. While sexuality need not be a part of the equation in order to experience this kind of healing, there’s nothing like feeling that we’ve shared all the aspects of ourselves with another and still been acknowledged as worthy and lovable.
In order to keep love alive over time, here are some of the essential skills:
Courage. Love is not for the faint of heart. Maintaining enough vulnerability to foster intimacy can be taxing. Sometimes you’ll get hurt. You’ll need to have the courage to take another chance on this happening again and again even as you work on ways to hurt each other less. Relationships are not perfected overnight. Some relationships are easier. Others are harder, but offer great rewards that make the difficulty worth it. Each relationship is different.
Flexibility. Being truly close to another can be a wild ride. Each human being is unique, and we are so complex to be, to some extent, unpredictable always. Remaining close to someone over time means being willing to allow them to grow and unfold even when that is inconvenient for you.
Curiosity. If you can’t find others genuinely interesting, your long-term relationship prospects are slim. Intimacy requires taking an active interest in another and being willing to share in their revelations; you must be willing to be thrilled by their life as well as your own.
Generosity. Being close to someone else over time requires that you be willing to give as well as to take. If a partner feels that the balance of generosity is unequal in a relationship, they are likely to withdraw, and rightly so.
Openness. A good long-term relationship must be built on honesty and truth; it must allow both parties to share the best of themselves, and at least some of the worst of themselves. It also needs both parties to be able to openly adore the other much of the time. No relationship is all sunshine and rainbows, but if we’re unable to show love and appreciation openly, the relationship will not feel good. We also need to be able to allow ourselves to be adored and accept the love of the other.
Creativity. Each relationship being unique, there are no standard solutions that will work for everyone in all situations. Problem-solving skills are crucial in your ability to keep love alive. Issues will crop up, but if you come to the table with a determination to find a way through that works for all parties, and put your thought and creativity behind the pursuit, you are far more likely to find an excellent solution.
Patience. Sometimes solutions to the problems that arise will take time to find and implement. Sometimes we must live with discomfort. But being truly present in an intimate relationship can spur tremendous growth and excitement in life.
There are plenty of other fine qualities that aid in the maintenance of intimate relationships, of course, but these are a few to get you thinking. Are there others that you’ve worked hard to hone? Add a comment below to share what you know about making love work.
Despite all of our best efforts to perfect the art of being happily close to others, mystery will always be a part of our relationships. Chemistry is mysterious. How, why, and when people change is mysterious. Our evolving desires are mysterious. As much as we might like to feel an unshakeable sense of stability in our intimate relationships, it’s best to continue to strive to be comfortable with the idea that some things will always be unknown. It takes humility to admit that there will always be things we don’t know, but in this information age, it should be obvious that no one can know it all! Acknowledging this makes it easier to enjoy the surprises without feeling affronted by them, and that allows the journey of love and intimacy to be a lot more fun.
Thicker than Water
“A happy family is but an earlier heaven.”
Having reviewed the most basic needs in Maslowe’s hierarchy, we now move into examining love and belongingness needs. Once we have satisfied the physiological needs necessary for survival, and successfully created an adequate sense of safety, the theory goes, we will long for love, affection, and a sense of belonging with family, friends, and other social contacts such as those we make through work and religious affiliations. The family is the first set of social contacts we have in life, so we’ll start there; the relationships we build at home will lay the foundations for the habits, beliefs and expectations of a lifetime. The experiences we have at home when we’re young will resonate throughout the rest of our experience in ways both pleasant and upsetting, such that no matter where we are in our development, we are likely to be contending with the memories of these formative times.
It is a natural human desire to feel loved by one’s nearest relations. We yearn to feel that we’re valued and have a place in the family structure. And yet, there is just so much that can go wrong here! My mother always said that when you have more than one child, you notice that they just come out different. I know I’ve noticed in the course of making friends in life, and growing to understand them more deeply as an adult, that people can be much more different from me than I would have thought possible when I was younger. We don’t choose our family members, and depending on the luck of the draw, we can find them baffling and endlessly frustrating. Despite the fact that we all want very much, on some level, to give and receive love, the true connections that make this possible are often missed as though we’re out-of-control freight trains speeding through the night, driven by conductors behind locked doors. And yet, our family will have more opportunity to know us better than most others ever will. This can all create webs of complex dynamics that defy resolution. It takes an enormous amount of work sometimes to move beyond their ability to continually press our buttons. After all, they co-created those buttons.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
Every person I’ve ever spoken to who has become a parent has echoed the sentiment that one can never be really ready to have children—it’s such a deeply challenging experience that it cannot be adequately communicated, and that’s probably for the best. If anyone fully understood the reality beforehand, they’d be unlikely to do it, and the human race might be in trouble! Given that, it shouldn’t be surprising that most of us feel dissatisfied with some of what we experienced at home. Most people get no useful instruction in the art of parenthood. They make it up as they go, and the younger they are when they embark on this adventure, the less likely they are to have worked out the recipe for their own peace and happiness beforehand. One cannot pass on what one doesn’t have.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
To complicate matters, Nature seems to have set up human development to support the most rapid possible learning of the young in order to ensure their survival. In Spontaneous Evolution, Bruce Lipton and Steve Bhaerman note that until we’ve reached the age of six, our brains are most often in either delta (sleeping/unconscious) or theta (imagination/reverie) states, meaning that they are basically operating in a hypnotic trance. Children this young are unable to analyze the information and programming coming at them from all sides. They just absorb it directly into the subconscious for good or ill. This helps them to quickly get up to speed with the requirements of their environment, but it also makes it possible for anything they observe to be written into their deepest psychology. I find this to be a stunning revelation, and an incredibly strong argument for bringing the most awareness and care you can to your interactions with children—you are, quite literally, creating their worldview with your input into their experience. Sadly, most people have no idea that children are quite this undefended, and children become products of carelessness. Later, when we’re old enough to reason and make decisions for ourselves, we can clear out the jumble of unsupportive programming and experiences, but most of us have a lot of detritus to deal with, and the process of sorting through it is not fun. That’s why we often avoid it and just live with the original stuff!
Giving and receiving love in the context of family dynamics often requires complex skills and a great deal of maturity. Doing this well can be one of the greatest challenges we face in life. Since the desire for love and belonging in the family is not going anywhere, one of the foundations of a happy life is to continue trying to rise to the call of what is necessary in your case to improve your relationships with family over time. One of the skills we all need to build in order to do this is the ability to take over as parents to ourselves; this is an essential element in the development of real maturity. We must learn to give to ourselves what we wish we had gotten from our own parents, whatever nurturing and care was missing in our early days, so that we can feel less needy in the presence of family in the moment. In order to do this well, it is necessary to find a way to accept and let go of the past, which is a tall order for many, I know, especially for those who experiences trauma at the hands of close family members. I’ll write more on how to do that in later posts. It’s also necessary to become emotionally observant enough, as well as courageous enough, to learn when you need to create boundaries, speak up for yourself, and bring behaviors that are problematic for you to the attention of family members if you want to improve relationships that are challenging. There is a world of books written on the development of these skills, and no shortage of professionals who can assist you with instruction, perspective, and coaching here using any number of great methodologies and tools. As galling as it can be to have to do all this work, if you want to live a truly happy life, I think you’ll find it’s necessary, and it does get easier as you learn. You deserve a happy life that’s full of love, connection, and harmony, and your family members deserve the chance to be in loving relationship with you. However far the distance may seem that you need to travel, just start with a small step, and start building momentum.