So Much Happier Blog
Who Do You Choose?
“So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.”
The friends we surround ourselves with are a powerful factor in the quality of our everyday lives. If yours are negative, cynical, and needy, you'll have one kind of experience when you relate to them. If they're bright, enthusiastic, and generous, you'll have another kind of experience. Chances are, your friends are all a mix of many qualities, because humans are messy! The trick is to keep an eye on the balance of your friendships as a whole and make sure it's supportive to you. Each friend and each friendship will be unique, which is part of the magic of relating to another human being. Each friendship will have its own rhythm. You'll want to spend a lot of time around some friends, whereas others you may appreciate best in small doses. Some friends will be so busy at certain times in their lives that you may have to accept a lot of rain checks. Each friendship may have a fairly specific function, as in allowing you to have company in a specific kind of activity, or a conversational partner for discussions around a certain kind of subject. Some may be highly versatile. Having friends who fulfill different roles for you brings a healthy variety of influences into play that can make you a more stable, understanding person.
We've probably all had the friend who we appreciate, but no no one else really likes, and this kind of relationship is fine too. If both parties enjoy each other's company, it's a wonderful thing! Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, but conversely, your relationships don't have to make sense to everyone else you know, either (as long as the reason no one else "gets" this person is NOT because they're abusive, controlling, or otherwise truly unhealthy for you).
You may have heard the concept popularized in recent years that you become a sort of amalgamation of your closest friends—that you are pulled into the gravity well created by each of their personas to some extent, and your own personality is shaped by theirs over time. That's obviously a generalization, and the extent to which it's true will depend on how much time you spend with each and the malleability of your personality, among other factors, but it's definitely worth thinking about which influences you invite in to your head and heart to roost. Someone can be fun to be around, but leave you feeling guilty or just unsatisfied about the behavior they bring out in you. Some people will tempt you into corners of yourself where you don't want to be. Is this really what you want for yourself? Or would you rather have fun being around someone who draws you forward into being more of what feels like your best self?
It can be illuminating to think about how you make decisions about the friendships you'll invest in. Do you wait for someone to be enthusiastic about you and reach out first, and say yes to everyone? Do you look for someone who makes you laugh till you cry? Shares certain specific values? Is it more of a case-by-case intuitive process for you? I was recently thinking about this myself, and I realized that my friends tend to be people who astonish me (to be clear, in a good way, not in a random or train-wreck sort of way!) I seem to seek out and invest in people who are smart and driven, who are talented or accomplished in ways that challenge and inspire me, because they have strengths I don't. This keeps me fascinated by them, and their points of view; it stretches my ability to see the world through new eyes and recognize the breadth of human experience, which helps to keep my life interesting. It also helps me to cultivate a deeper understanding of others who are different from me. Having recognized this, I plan to tell friends more often about exactly why I value their part in my life so much.
When you think about who your closest friends have been, what do you notice? Which of your values have you prioritized in choosing them? Once you have a better idea of how you make your decisions around friendship, is there an emerging pattern that you need to address? Perhaps there are friendship categories that you'd like to expand. A little reflection here can clarify a plan of action that would make your universe of friendships more whole and satisfying.
In the meantime, who can you tell this week about how much you appreciate them and why? As a bonus, you'll feel some extra satisfaction in focusing on some of the great people in your life, or remembering those who have been a part of it in the past. Friendships are to be savored. We're so lucky when we cross paths with those who can see who we are and love us for it. We're blessed to be able to spend time with people we appreciate and admire.
A Friend Indeed
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Another important pillar of having a life that feels like you belong and are loved is having friends. There’s nothing like a close friend who appreciates you with all your flaws, and with whom you can have a wonderful time doing anything or nothing, to help you feel like all is right with the world. Unlike with family, we have choice in who we will align ourselves with in friendship from the time that we are children. While this can allow for more generally comfortable, easy and supportive relationships than those we may have with family members, this may not be so if we don’t have natural talent in relating to others. For many people, the world of friendships can seem bewildering to navigate and fraught with peril. Engaging may not seem worth the risk. And yet, without close friends, loneliness is virtually inevitable.
As with many other aspects of life, we rarely get direct instruction on how to foster friendships. We’re expected to pick this up through osmosis, which is not the most helpful approach when we’re small, vulnerable, and have no idea what to do, and no one else does either. Many of us have painful memories of difficult experiences with other children, who tend to be pathologically honest, are often thoughtless and come across as mean, and who often start experimenting early with hierarchy and power games. Most of us remember betrayals that led us to approach the process of making friends with more caution, at least for a time. Some people will choose to opt out of the process altogether after these stings, depending on how painful they were and how frequently they occurred. Success depends on our natural ability to fit in and persist in resiliently failing forward until we, and those around us, develop some actual skill in relationships.
Often when we’re younger it’s easier to create strong bonds with others, because we spend so much time in close proximity with so many other people during our years in school. Time and shared ups and downs help to draw us closer with others. As we get older and live farther away from some of the friends we made in youth, and as life gets busier and more complicated, it can be hard to hold onto those relationships. Long-distance friendship skills are a different ball of wax, and several degrees of difficulty harder to maintain. It can also be harder to make new friends as adults, since we have a lot less time on our hands than we used to, and we’ve reached the time of life when it’s likely that we’re focusing on our own pursuits and passions, whether those be work, family, dating, or other extracurricular activities. If we don’t encounter others we take a liking to in the course of work, hobbies, or religious/spiritual devotions, it’s going to take work to find friends elsewhere.
Men may have a more difficult time than women with making new friends at all ages, particularly in Western culture, because of the way that they are socialized. Men are taught to be active, always doing and solving and tinkering with projects; there is a prevalent image of the hero as a lone cowboy who doesn’t need anyone else because he can handle everything just fine all on his own. There is often a drive to establish hierarchy in relationships between men, which can keep them locked into specific roles. In general, boys tend to make friends through proximity; they are less encouraged to learn complex manners, be nice to everyone, and sacrifice their own comfort for the feelings of others. While many women learn to overbalance toward unhealthy self-sacrifice, they do tend to get more practice in observing, understanding, and caring for others, which may make it easier for them to quickly bond with someone else in a way that men may not have built the patience for. These are gross generalizations, and each friendship will be the unique product of the interplay between two individuals who may not fit into any established stereotypes. I do think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the extra challenges men may face here. Recent studies have shown that loneliness causes the production of stress hormones in the body, and a stressed body is more likely to develop a host of chronic illnesses. It’s a matter of health that we learn to create more satisfying friendships, and it’s worth working on social skills required to build and maintain friendships even if it’s uncomfortable at first. It’s also worth thinking through the stereotypes you were taught, and making your own decisions about who you will become.
So what are the essential skills involved in friendship? Here are a few to consider, though you can doubtless think of more:
- Acceptance. If you were to do nothing but criticize another, they would be unlikely to enjoy spending any time with you at all. Your willingness to accept a friend as good enough just as they are allows them to relax and feel safe to be themselves with you. They will share more of themselves with you, and understanding will grow between you.
- Loyalty. If you’re not able to stand behind your friend even when they act out of character, make a mistake, or are going through a difficult time in which they have little to give, you are likely to grow apart.
- Encouragement. Find ways to listen to what your friend wants for themselves and offer your support, through words or deeds; celebrate what goes right for them, even if you feel moments of envy, so they know you’re invested in their success.
- Compassion. Work to understand how your friend feels. No relationship can have much depth without a sense of mutual compassion and care.
- Generosity. Be willing to give your time, love, and support (in a way that works for you too, of course).
- Honesty. If you aren’t willing to be open with another about what’s true for you, there will be a wall between you. If you aren’t willing to hear what’s true for them, they will end up feeling frustrated. The best expression of honesty is combined in equal measure with kindness. “Brutal honesty” is a display of lack of effort and consideration—after all, do you enjoy being treated with brutality by others? I thought not!
- Fun. While sometimes it helps to pour out our worries and woes to a friend, if you aren’t willing to let those go and allow yourself to have a good time with your friend, you’ll be missing out on one of the best things about friendship. Everyone likes to have fun in different ways, but you can cultivate some sense of fun with each friend. (If you can’t, then you’re probably not a good match.)
- Appreciation. If you don’t genuinely appreciate your friend’s mix of unique qualities and feel enthusiasm for their company, they will eventually notice. It feels a lot better to be around someone who clearly likes you than it does to spend time with someone who is non-committal and blasé.
Whether or not you’re currently good at these skills, growing more comfortable with them is time well spent. Decide to think about one of them each week or month as you go about your social interactions, and notice how you and others display them; experiment with how you can use some of the same techniques you’ve observed, or improve your expression of the ones you’re already familiar with. These are all skills we practice for a lifetime, and there’s no such thing as perfect. Just get in there and work on how you can do a better job than you have in the past. We are social creatures, and any improvements to your relationships will improve the overall quality of your life.