Who Do You Choose?
“So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.”
The friends we surround ourselves with are a powerful factor in the quality of our everyday lives. If yours are negative, cynical, and needy, you'll have one kind of experience when you relate to them. If they're bright, enthusiastic, and generous, you'll have another kind of experience. Chances are, your friends are all a mix of many qualities, because humans are messy! The trick is to keep an eye on the balance of your friendships as a whole and make sure it's supportive to you. Each friend and each friendship will be unique, which is part of the magic of relating to another human being. Each friendship will have its own rhythm. You'll want to spend a lot of time around some friends, whereas others you may appreciate best in small doses. Some friends will be so busy at certain times in their lives that you may have to accept a lot of rain checks. Each friendship may have a fairly specific function, as in allowing you to have company in a specific kind of activity, or a conversational partner for discussions around a certain kind of subject. Some may be highly versatile. Having friends who fulfill different roles for you brings a healthy variety of influences into play that can make you a more stable, understanding person.
We've probably all had the friend who we appreciate, but no no one else really likes, and this kind of relationship is fine too. If both parties enjoy each other's company, it's a wonderful thing! Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, but conversely, your relationships don't have to make sense to everyone else you know, either (as long as the reason no one else "gets" this person is NOT because they're abusive, controlling, or otherwise truly unhealthy for you).
You may have heard the concept popularized in recent years that you become a sort of amalgamation of your closest friends—that you are pulled into the gravity well created by each of their personas to some extent, and your own personality is shaped by theirs over time. That's obviously a generalization, and the extent to which it's true will depend on how much time you spend with each and the malleability of your personality, among other factors, but it's definitely worth thinking about which influences you invite in to your head and heart to roost. Someone can be fun to be around, but leave you feeling guilty or just unsatisfied about the behavior they bring out in you. Some people will tempt you into corners of yourself where you don't want to be. Is this really what you want for yourself? Or would you rather have fun being around someone who draws you forward into being more of what feels like your best self?
It can be illuminating to think about how you make decisions about the friendships you'll invest in. Do you wait for someone to be enthusiastic about you and reach out first, and say yes to everyone? Do you look for someone who makes you laugh till you cry? Shares certain specific values? Is it more of a case-by-case intuitive process for you? I was recently thinking about this myself, and I realized that my friends tend to be people who astonish me (to be clear, in a good way, not in a random or train-wreck sort of way!) I seem to seek out and invest in people who are smart and driven, who are talented or accomplished in ways that challenge and inspire me, because they have strengths I don't. This keeps me fascinated by them, and their points of view; it stretches my ability to see the world through new eyes and recognize the breadth of human experience, which helps to keep my life interesting. It also helps me to cultivate a deeper understanding of others who are different from me. Having recognized this, I plan to tell friends more often about exactly why I value their part in my life so much.
When you think about who your closest friends have been, what do you notice? Which of your values have you prioritized in choosing them? Once you have a better idea of how you make your decisions around friendship, is there an emerging pattern that you need to address? Perhaps there are friendship categories that you'd like to expand. A little reflection here can clarify a plan of action that would make your universe of friendships more whole and satisfying.
In the meantime, who can you tell this week about how much you appreciate them and why? As a bonus, you'll feel some extra satisfaction in focusing on some of the great people in your life, or remembering those who have been a part of it in the past. Friendships are to be savored. We're so lucky when we cross paths with those who can see who we are and love us for it. We're blessed to be able to spend time with people we appreciate and admire.