So Much Happier Blog
To Love and Be Loved
“Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.”
A discussion of love and belongingness needs would certainly not be complete without a look at romance and intimacy, so that’s what we’ll focus on this week. In case you haven’t noticed, the world we live in is obsessed with romantic love, and the dream of intimate relationships between “soulmates,” pairs of people who seem to have achieved perfect harmony. Practically every song on the radio and every story line ever written include stories of loves won and lost. While many of us do seem to yearn for a deep sense of intimacy and connection with another, others find the idea of this less compelling, or find that what they yearn for is outside the accepted norm of romance; for some, what feels like a truthful expression of self in this realm will lie well outside the much idealized (but less often achieved) happy long-term monogamous relationship between two people. The good news is that, whatever your vision for yourself, there are likely many others in this wide world who want to achieve something similar, and with whom you might find what you’re seeking. Your chances of success are greatly enhanced if you’re willing to be honest with yourself and others about what that is, and courageous enough to stand up for it.
Anyone who has been in love knows that the feelings that result are intoxicating, blissful, both calming and energizing, inspiring. The chemistry of what happens in our bodies when we’re in this state is very real, and it all just feels, well, really good! Often effortlessly so. It’s natural to want to stay in it. However, maintaining this state over time requires some effort, the building of numerous skills that must mature with practice and experience, and the willingness to be challenged repeatedly. In some ways, this kind of love is even more challenging than familial relationships specifically because we are not related (at least let’s hope!) Your family members didn’t choose to be related to you, but they always will be. In romantic partnership, we’re clear that the other person always has a choice in whether to stay or walk away, and knowing this creates constant vulnerability. If one hasn’t done the necessary work to feel like a successful independent person who can comfortably live alone, this vulnerability can feel nearly unbearable. Human beings are social creatures who come pre-set with a terrible fear of being rejected and alone. Allowing love in is, in some ways, a radical act of optimism and one of the greatest leaps of faith it’s possible to make.
Vulnerability in relationships is also a product of allowing someone close enough in to really see us for who we are. In revealing ever more of ourselves, we give the other ever more chances to judge us as not good enough, and to wound us with that judgment. For many people, the fear of not being good, not being enough, is the worst of all. The idea of letting someone else see us clearly, and giving them the opportunity to confirm it if they will, can be terrifying. But one of the greatest benefits of taking a chance on love is the opportunity to be seen with our faults and loved anyway. This doesn’t happen every time—obviously—but when it does, it can go a long way toward helping us to heal from our fears of inadequacy. There’s no substitute for working on bolstering our self-worth from within, but real, accepting, caring love rewards our radical leap of faith by unleashing radical forces of healing. I think part of the reason so many of us pine for it is that we instinctively know the truth of this. While sexuality need not be a part of the equation in order to experience this kind of healing, there’s nothing like feeling that we’ve shared all the aspects of ourselves with another and still been acknowledged as worthy and lovable.
In order to keep love alive over time, here are some of the essential skills:
Courage. Love is not for the faint of heart. Maintaining enough vulnerability to foster intimacy can be taxing. Sometimes you’ll get hurt. You’ll need to have the courage to take another chance on this happening again and again even as you work on ways to hurt each other less. Relationships are not perfected overnight. Some relationships are easier. Others are harder, but offer great rewards that make the difficulty worth it. Each relationship is different.
Flexibility. Being truly close to another can be a wild ride. Each human being is unique, and we are so complex to be, to some extent, unpredictable always. Remaining close to someone over time means being willing to allow them to grow and unfold even when that is inconvenient for you.
Curiosity. If you can’t find others genuinely interesting, your long-term relationship prospects are slim. Intimacy requires taking an active interest in another and being willing to share in their revelations; you must be willing to be thrilled by their life as well as your own.
Generosity. Being close to someone else over time requires that you be willing to give as well as to take. If a partner feels that the balance of generosity is unequal in a relationship, they are likely to withdraw, and rightly so.
Openness. A good long-term relationship must be built on honesty and truth; it must allow both parties to share the best of themselves, and at least some of the worst of themselves. It also needs both parties to be able to openly adore the other much of the time. No relationship is all sunshine and rainbows, but if we’re unable to show love and appreciation openly, the relationship will not feel good. We also need to be able to allow ourselves to be adored and accept the love of the other.
Creativity. Each relationship being unique, there are no standard solutions that will work for everyone in all situations. Problem-solving skills are crucial in your ability to keep love alive. Issues will crop up, but if you come to the table with a determination to find a way through that works for all parties, and put your thought and creativity behind the pursuit, you are far more likely to find an excellent solution.
Patience. Sometimes solutions to the problems that arise will take time to find and implement. Sometimes we must live with discomfort. But being truly present in an intimate relationship can spur tremendous growth and excitement in life.
There are plenty of other fine qualities that aid in the maintenance of intimate relationships, of course, but these are a few to get you thinking. Are there others that you’ve worked hard to hone? Add a comment below to share what you know about making love work.
Despite all of our best efforts to perfect the art of being happily close to others, mystery will always be a part of our relationships. Chemistry is mysterious. How, why, and when people change is mysterious. Our evolving desires are mysterious. As much as we might like to feel an unshakeable sense of stability in our intimate relationships, it’s best to continue to strive to be comfortable with the idea that some things will always be unknown. It takes humility to admit that there will always be things we don’t know, but in this information age, it should be obvious that no one can know it all! Acknowledging this makes it easier to enjoy the surprises without feeling affronted by them, and that allows the journey of love and intimacy to be a lot more fun.
A Friend Indeed
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Another important pillar of having a life that feels like you belong and are loved is having friends. There’s nothing like a close friend who appreciates you with all your flaws, and with whom you can have a wonderful time doing anything or nothing, to help you feel like all is right with the world. Unlike with family, we have choice in who we will align ourselves with in friendship from the time that we are children. While this can allow for more generally comfortable, easy and supportive relationships than those we may have with family members, this may not be so if we don’t have natural talent in relating to others. For many people, the world of friendships can seem bewildering to navigate and fraught with peril. Engaging may not seem worth the risk. And yet, without close friends, loneliness is virtually inevitable.
As with many other aspects of life, we rarely get direct instruction on how to foster friendships. We’re expected to pick this up through osmosis, which is not the most helpful approach when we’re small, vulnerable, and have no idea what to do, and no one else does either. Many of us have painful memories of difficult experiences with other children, who tend to be pathologically honest, are often thoughtless and come across as mean, and who often start experimenting early with hierarchy and power games. Most of us remember betrayals that led us to approach the process of making friends with more caution, at least for a time. Some people will choose to opt out of the process altogether after these stings, depending on how painful they were and how frequently they occurred. Success depends on our natural ability to fit in and persist in resiliently failing forward until we, and those around us, develop some actual skill in relationships.
Often when we’re younger it’s easier to create strong bonds with others, because we spend so much time in close proximity with so many other people during our years in school. Time and shared ups and downs help to draw us closer with others. As we get older and live farther away from some of the friends we made in youth, and as life gets busier and more complicated, it can be hard to hold onto those relationships. Long-distance friendship skills are a different ball of wax, and several degrees of difficulty harder to maintain. It can also be harder to make new friends as adults, since we have a lot less time on our hands than we used to, and we’ve reached the time of life when it’s likely that we’re focusing on our own pursuits and passions, whether those be work, family, dating, or other extracurricular activities. If we don’t encounter others we take a liking to in the course of work, hobbies, or religious/spiritual devotions, it’s going to take work to find friends elsewhere.
Men may have a more difficult time than women with making new friends at all ages, particularly in Western culture, because of the way that they are socialized. Men are taught to be active, always doing and solving and tinkering with projects; there is a prevalent image of the hero as a lone cowboy who doesn’t need anyone else because he can handle everything just fine all on his own. There is often a drive to establish hierarchy in relationships between men, which can keep them locked into specific roles. In general, boys tend to make friends through proximity; they are less encouraged to learn complex manners, be nice to everyone, and sacrifice their own comfort for the feelings of others. While many women learn to overbalance toward unhealthy self-sacrifice, they do tend to get more practice in observing, understanding, and caring for others, which may make it easier for them to quickly bond with someone else in a way that men may not have built the patience for. These are gross generalizations, and each friendship will be the unique product of the interplay between two individuals who may not fit into any established stereotypes. I do think it’s important, though, to acknowledge the extra challenges men may face here. Recent studies have shown that loneliness causes the production of stress hormones in the body, and a stressed body is more likely to develop a host of chronic illnesses. It’s a matter of health that we learn to create more satisfying friendships, and it’s worth working on social skills required to build and maintain friendships even if it’s uncomfortable at first. It’s also worth thinking through the stereotypes you were taught, and making your own decisions about who you will become.
So what are the essential skills involved in friendship? Here are a few to consider, though you can doubtless think of more:
- Acceptance. If you were to do nothing but criticize another, they would be unlikely to enjoy spending any time with you at all. Your willingness to accept a friend as good enough just as they are allows them to relax and feel safe to be themselves with you. They will share more of themselves with you, and understanding will grow between you.
- Loyalty. If you’re not able to stand behind your friend even when they act out of character, make a mistake, or are going through a difficult time in which they have little to give, you are likely to grow apart.
- Encouragement. Find ways to listen to what your friend wants for themselves and offer your support, through words or deeds; celebrate what goes right for them, even if you feel moments of envy, so they know you’re invested in their success.
- Compassion. Work to understand how your friend feels. No relationship can have much depth without a sense of mutual compassion and care.
- Generosity. Be willing to give your time, love, and support (in a way that works for you too, of course).
- Honesty. If you aren’t willing to be open with another about what’s true for you, there will be a wall between you. If you aren’t willing to hear what’s true for them, they will end up feeling frustrated. The best expression of honesty is combined in equal measure with kindness. “Brutal honesty” is a display of lack of effort and consideration—after all, do you enjoy being treated with brutality by others? I thought not!
- Fun. While sometimes it helps to pour out our worries and woes to a friend, if you aren’t willing to let those go and allow yourself to have a good time with your friend, you’ll be missing out on one of the best things about friendship. Everyone likes to have fun in different ways, but you can cultivate some sense of fun with each friend. (If you can’t, then you’re probably not a good match.)
- Appreciation. If you don’t genuinely appreciate your friend’s mix of unique qualities and feel enthusiasm for their company, they will eventually notice. It feels a lot better to be around someone who clearly likes you than it does to spend time with someone who is non-committal and blasé.
Whether or not you’re currently good at these skills, growing more comfortable with them is time well spent. Decide to think about one of them each week or month as you go about your social interactions, and notice how you and others display them; experiment with how you can use some of the same techniques you’ve observed, or improve your expression of the ones you’re already familiar with. These are all skills we practice for a lifetime, and there’s no such thing as perfect. Just get in there and work on how you can do a better job than you have in the past. We are social creatures, and any improvements to your relationships will improve the overall quality of your life.