Do This and Thrive

“Set your goals high, and don’t stop till you get there.”

— Bo Jackson

I rarely do this, but in this week’s blog I’m going to emphasize and reiterate what I said last week, because there is nothing that is potentially more powerful in your life than unleashing your own innate motivation through joy.  If you have not yet made time to think through and write out your most cherished hopes in the form of goal statements that are positive, in present tense, and as specific as you can make them, now’s the time!  If the thought of doing this still makes you want to break out in hives, then please reread my blog from two weeks ago for ways to relax about this and make it fun.

These are not static statements of what will happen to the letter, because life throws curve balls, and requires flexibility.  You are not going to spiral down into shame if you need to modify anything you write, you’re just going to keep reminding yourself what you want and why, and work on enjoying every step that moves you closer to one of your goals, however small the step.  Both the process and the result are important, but the better you get at process, the more results you can achieve.

To recap:  People who have written out their goals and review them every day get more of what they want.  This is not very difficult or time consuming to do.  Take some deep breaths, grab a pen, and go for it.  Do it now!  We’re all rooting for you!

Fun with Goals

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”

— Zig Ziglar

Last week we unpacked a bunch of reasons why the thought of defining clear and specific goals can make us cringe and run for cover.  Now that we have that out of the way, let’s look into what a saner process for creating and working with goals over time might look like.  How can we make use of the motivational power of goals without the inappropriate application of shame or frequent flare-ups of overwhelm that sap our belief in ourselves and our ability to cross the finish line? 

The Vision

·      If you’ve never spent some concentrated time thinking about what you’d like your life to be like if you could wave a magic wand and instantly have everything you want, it’s time to do that.  The best idea is always to start with the ideal, without editing yourself.  Don’t stand for mental limitations in the conceptual phase, because you’ll just be building in a sense of disappointment from day one of your process!  Really have fun with this vision, and make it as outrageous as you want.  You can be the ruler of the entire world, a movie star, and a reclusive stay-at-home mom all at the same time—you later could plan to spend some part of your time each day/month/year on each.  We’re just moving puzzle pieces around at this point to see what seems satisfying.  Stay in brainstorming/impractical mode and see what you come up with; how would you want to spend your time?  Who would be sharing your experiences with you?  Where would you live?  What would you want to give to others and the world?  If you’re not sure, think about the kinds of things that have delighted you in the past, starting in childhood (including things you’ve heard of happening to other people or in movies, etc.) and build on those.  Write down reminder phrases at least so you’ve captured what you imagined.  You can also draw pictures if that seems fun.  It can work well to do this in one column of your page and leave another blank for the next step

·      Once you’ve come up with some really good stuff, think about what the basic core of each item is.  If you decided you’d like to live in a particular town, what was it about that place that appealed to you?  Was it weather, proximity to people you love, or some other special characteristic of that place?  This helps you both to be specific, and to allow yourself to be surprised later by other possible solutions that might give you a similar result

·      Now think about which seems most important to you—you might start by considering them one at a time and imagining that each, in turn, is the only one you can have right away when you wave that magic wand.  Which one feels the best?  That’s number one.  Continue to assign a number to each in turn based on which of the remaining comes up next highest.

·      Then consider which seems easiest to achieve.  Assign each a letter starting at the beginning of the alphabet based on this factor.

·      Now it’s time to think about what to work on first.  Yes, we are beginning to hint at taking action!  Don’t freak out.  Would you rather work on the thing that you want most, or something that seems easier relative to the other things on your list?  This is totally up to you.  Sometimes it helps to build one’s confidence to work on something that doesn’t seem like a huge effort.  Sometimes that’s just not inspiring.  You know your life and your current capacities, and you get to make this decision.

·      Once you have chosen something, stop and ask yourself:  Did I choose this one out of fear of something I’d much rather work on?  Fear, anxiety, and self-doubt often pop up when we’re thinking about challenging the status quo.  This is normal, but if you let them define all your choices, you’ll never grow or change at all, and that’s boring!  Remember, whatever you choose to work on, you can do it with baby steps, and you don’t have to know how to accomplish it right now, just that you’d like to.

·      Do you have one?

Your Map

·      Ok, now it’s finally time to start an outline/treasure map showing how you might get from where you are to where you want to go.  Be sure to do it in a format that leaves you room for changes.  A digital format can be good here because it’s so easy to change or add steps, but if you like paper, that’s fine too.  This is just a rough draft based on what you know right now.  Let’s say you want to become a chemical engineer.  First you need to define where you are.  What’s your current level of education, experience, and knowledge?  Would you need training or even a college degree, do you think?  Would you need to get some experience as an intern?  Would you need to spend time in a different location?  Then what?  Take some wild guesses if you have to, but map it all out the best you can.  Remember to define the end goal—how will you know you have it?  What will you see/hear/feel/smell/taste?  What will you be like?  How will people treat you?  How will you feel?  Put this in positive terms, as in “Everyone will be nice to me” rather than “Everyone will stop being rude to me.”

·      Now look at the areas where you’re sure you have gaps in knowledge as far as what might need to happen to get you to the goal.  Time for research!  Run some online searches, talk to people you know who might be able to inform you on the subject, read a book about someone who did what you want to do or something like it, listen to podcasts, etc.  Then add some steps to your outline/map based on what you learned

·      You’ll need to be detailed about your steps.  You can flesh out sub-steps of each as you go, or attempt to do more of that now, but don’t get bogged down in endless minutiae, which is a clever way of avoiding ever actually doing anything.  Think tasks you could do in an hour or two each

·      Once you have your map, it’s time to think about how much time you will devote to your first goal each day and/or week.  This is not a contract written in blood!  It can and will change over time, but again, you want something to shoot for and schedule, because (for most of us) if you don’t do that, the tasks won’t get done.  There should be enough time scheduled each week for you to get at least one task done every week, otherwise you’re likely to become dishearteneded by your lack of progress.  However, it shouldn’t be so much that the thought of putting that much time aside makes you feel like you’re going to have a panic attack.  Again, keep an eye out for fears that may be trying to stop you and ask yourself whether you’re lowballing the amount of time you can devote based on these, but also think about what will be sustainable so you don’t become exhausted and want to quit.  You’re trying to create a balance here

Action!

·      Take a deep breath and remember how awesome it will be to have that goal before you work on anything having to do with it, and whenever you can throughout each day.  This will help to keep you happy, motivated, and creative

·      As you start the first task, remember that you will sometimes become confused, feel stuck or doubtful, or want to give up.  Just spend your scheduled time as best you can.  Anytime you need to, you can ask for help, including from a professional—a psychologist, coach, nutritionist, etc.  You can also ask yourself what you would tell someone else in your position.  It’s sometimes surprising how many great ideas you can come up with this way!

·      Just keep at it, but remember that, though parts of the process will no doubt be uncomfortable, there’s no need to be miserable.  If you are, take a step back and shift your perspective.  EFT, for instance, is fantastic for changing your emotional state and opening up new insights all along the way.  Learn the basics and try it.  It can be a lifeline when you get stuck

·      Continue to modify your task list/map as needed

·      Keep in mind that it’s probably not practical to be working toward more than two or three main goals at a time.  You want to be able to see regular progress on each, not spread yourself so thin that you just become overwhelmed and scattered.  However, it's a great idea to read over all of your goals/vision every day at least once or twice.  That reaffirms for you what you want your life to be about, which is energizing when you allow yourself to really imagine and enjoy the idea of having those things

·      If you’re someone who likes to work in groups, find one or several others who would be open to co-working or forming a support group to check in with at least once a week on tasks and achievements, and anywhere you’re getting hung up

·      Celebrate every step you complete in some way.  You want to keep making it fun for yourself to be on the path to your goal! When you savor each task you've completed, the whole effort is more enjoyable, and you'll feel better about yourself.  Those good feelings will help keep you going

I hope this helps you to see the whole idea of goals in a more positive way than perhaps you’ve done before.  They’re supposed to be a source of support, direction, and joyful anticipation, not self-recrimination and negativity.  Remind yourself of this as needed, and keep chugging along!  Moving toward things that make your heart sing is one of the things that makes life feel deeply worthwhile, so now actually go back and do the steps above!  

Onward and Upward

“The longer you hang in there, the greater the chance that something will happen in your favor. No matter how hard it seems, the longer you persist, the more likely your success.”

— Jack Canfield

Just keep going.  This is one of the most important principles I know of in the grand scheme of creating a successful life.  You don’t have to always be running—you can walk, skip, hop or dance—and it’s ok to take a breather now and then when you need it.  But if you can build the habit of just doing what you can to move forward a little bit every day, your progress toward what you want will be much faster than if you tend to exhaust yourself and drop out, or reconsider everything when you don’t get immediate results. 

In such a fast-paced world, one in which we’ve been shown that everyone can become an “overnight” success by just getting on a reality T.V. show, our expectations may have become a bit unrealistic.  For most people, success is the result of years of effort, which invariable include lots of ups and downs.  Even those who seem to have gotten a big, lucky break have usually spent plenty of unglamorous time preparing and wondering at times if they’d ever get anywhere.  Just like the rest of us!

I would suggest that this time of uncertainty and constant application yields precious abilities, even when it seems like nothing is happening.  When we keep going despite resistance, worry, boredom, and annoyance, we’re building a habit of focus and healthy stubbornness that can serve us throughout life.  Of course, I’m not implying that we should be so stubborn that we never consider our results and adjust course, or listen to the constructive feedback of others.  I am in favor or each person dancing to their own drummer, though; you must ultimately be the one who decides what is right for you, and sometimes even the most well-intentioned advice must be ignored if it doesn’t seem right to you and for you.  Some of the people who have invented the most astonishing things throughout history have been told over and over that creating what they saw in their mind’s eye was impossible. They kept going and perfected those things anyway.  Healthy stubbornness in action!

There are many ways to keep yourself going when it’s difficult and uncomfortable to do so.  I suggest broadening your tool set so that you have a better chance of staying in the game when the going gets frustrating.  For example:

·      Figure out what motivates you and roll with it.  Are you someone whose abilities wake up when you’re moving toward something good, or working to outrun something you fear?  Most of us respond somewhat to both, but you may find that one or the other is more effective for you.  If you like to imagine moving toward something you want, remind yourself at least once a day what you’re working toward by imagining it vividly—preferably numerous times per day.  This will bring you little surges of energy and the ability to recommit to your task every time you do it.  You can also give yourself a little pep talk here and there and remind yourself of the progress you’ve made.  If you get fired up when you imagine moving away from something bad, you can imagine something like that instead—see, hear, and feel people talking about how you failed and they knew you’d never amount to anything, etc.  For most people, far more repetitions of the positive style of motivation is best, but throwing in a vision of what you definitely don’t want can sometimes add some spice to the mix.

·      Take care of your physical needs without fail.  Don’t skip meals, but keep them healthy.  Get regular exercise, which builds energy and helps manage stress and lift your moods, and stretch your muscles to stay limber.  Get at least seven hours of sleep per night.  Brush and floss.  You get the picture.

·      Tell only the people you know you can trust to be supportive about your big goals.  The last thing you need is a lot of negativity from people who think small, or are threatened by your unique vision. 

·      Commit to being a lifelong learner.  No one starts off as an expert.  We all build expertise in the areas we choose over time, and it never happens overnight.  You don’t have to keep up with all information all the time, but you do need to keep up with your chosen field of interest, and again, it’s a fast-paced world out there.  This will take some time and attention always if you want to be good at what you do, but it will also keep exposing you to the brilliance of others, which is inspiring.

·      Find ways to blow off steam when you hit road blocks.  Do or watch something that makes you laugh yourself silly.  Spend time with friends.  Volunteer for a worthy cause and get your mind off your own troubles.  Spend some time on a hobby that just makes you feel good.  Read biographies of successful people, who I guarantee went through hard times before they became famous and respected for their contributions.  Write out your woes in a journal.  Go outside and enjoy the natural world.

·      Be willing to rethink your strategy as you try things and learn from your experiences.  Consult others who have done something similar for advice and a change of perspective.

·      If you crash and burn or fall off the wagon in some way, know that everyone experiences failure sometimes, and we often learn far more from these episodes than from we do from smooth sailing.  Failures and mistakes may feel terrible when they’re happening, but they are not the end unless we decide they are.  If you’re still alive, there’s still more left within you.

·      Remind yourself that what you have to give is unique and important.  Even if it’s not yet ready or not yet connecting with an audience or customers, someone out there needs and is waiting for what you have to offer.

For some people, succeeding to a level that feels satisfying takes far longer than they ever hoped or imagined.  If this is you, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—this is a very common human experience.  We can’t always know beforehand exactly what will get us to our destination.  Just keep taking a step forward every time you can, keep learning, and above all, just keep going.

Ever a New Summit

“Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

Another among the esteem needs that Maslowe wrote about is a sense of achievement.  This is an important factor in our conviction of self-worth, both because human beings are built with a natural drive toward creativity they long to satisfy, and because most cultures revere those who have achieved unique and groundbreaking results.  It’s worth periodically looking at how you’re feeling about what you’ve achieved in the course of your life so that you can address your innate desire for a sense of achievement; doing this helps to show the way toward keeping your self-esteem at healthy levels.

So what is achievement?  Dictionary.com defines it as, “Something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort, great courage, etc.; a great or heroic deed.”  So this is no walk in the park—it needs to be an accomplishment that required unusual innate qualities, or strife, or both.  And who decides what it should be and when the criteria for accomplishment have been met?  In the context of a discussion about self-esteem, only you decide what an achievement is and when you’ve attained it.  Others will have opinions about what you’ve done, and that will most likely impact your self-assessment to some degree, which we’ll discuss in later blogs in this category.  But no one can ultimately decide for you when to be satisfied with your own performance.  That is your responsibility, and the process of deciding shapes both your life and your opinion of yourself.  This is where clearly defined goals can be useful.  If you have taken some time to think through what you want to the best of your current abilities, it’s far easier to direct yourself along the path to the finish, and to be certain about when you’ve arrived.  If you haven’t clarified your goals, you are far more likely to encounter confusion about where to go, what to do, and when you’ve accomplished something about which you can feel satisfied.

Here are a few other factors that will impact how you feel about your accomplishments:

·      Was the goal something you really wanted to pursue?

Most likely you’ve had the experience of having put considerable time and effort behind something that didn’t bring you the satisfaction you originally expected when you finally achieved it.  This can happen for numerous reasons, such as:

o   It was never really expressive of you.  Someone else wanted this for you, and you went along, either to make them happy, or because you thought it was a good idea, but you never noticed that your own passion was never truly engaged.

o   Somewhere along the way it would have been appropriate to adjust the goal, but you refused to do so for whatever reason.  People do and must grow and change.  It’s normal to realize once you’re in the middle of an effort that your expectations or process need to adjust in order to keep pace with what’s true for you.  A goal is meant to draw you forward, not lock you rigidly in place.

o   Your goal was not worthy of all the time and effort you poured into it.  If you spent years on a complicated revenge scheme, you might eventually achieve it.  However, if you felt satisfaction at the result, there would also be shame mixed in; you would know that your achievement spoke of your own unresolved pain and pettiness.  If you had, instead, taken steps to express your pain, forgive over time, and protect others from injustice, you would likely have felt satisfaction that was clean and clear of internal conflict.

·      Was the process enjoyable?

o   If the process of getting to your goal was not enjoyable, you may have forgotten to build fun into your process.  Sometimes we think that only through suffering can we create results that are glorious.  While it’s true that the application of discipline required to achieve things that fit the dictionary definition of achievement will probably result in some discomfort, it’s also important to be able to enjoy your life during the times that you’re waiting for the gratification at the end of your road.  All of it is your life, not just the occasional end point of an extended effort.

o   If you hated every minute of working toward the goal, once you achieve it you are most likely exhausted, depleted, and in the habit of being in a bad mood.  You may also have convinced yourself that this is the only way anyone gets anything done, and that life is grim and difficult (if you didn’t already believe these things before).

o   Was someone else trying to control you throughout the process?  If so, you’ll end up with a strong flavor of resentment about the whole experience, even if you like the end result.

·      Does your goal result in a satisfactory change in your life?

o   If you thought that your achievement would result in a harvest that didn’t appear, you’re likely to feel frustrated even if you feel great about what you did.  Sometimes we follow in others’ footsteps and expect to have the same experiences, which doesn’t always happen.  Sometimes we pin our fantasies to our goals, such as fame and unreasonable fortune, and are surprised when the fantasy elements aren’t a part of the achievement.

o  If your goal did result in the expected harvest, it’s still possible that you didn’t end up feeling the way you thought you would about it.  We have a tendency to expect external achievements alone to change how we feel about life and about ourselves, but this discounts the inner game that we must also play in order to feel good about life.  As the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.”  You can’t outrun your own negative emotional and thought patterns.  No achievement will absolve you of the need to do the inner work that is uniquely yours. 

No matter how satisfied you are with an achievement, you will find that, as soon as it’s yours, you want something else!  This is a normal part of life as a human being.  We are creative, evolution-oriented beings who crave experience.  This is why it’s best to avoid seeing any goal as the solution to all things in your life and focus on more on a sense of enjoyment of the process—otherwise you’re missing out on the vast collection of moments that make up the majority of your existence.  People who look back at their lives in old age often regret that they were not more engaged in all the small and less significant moments of life, and that they did not take every opportunity to be present to the love and enjoyment that was available in every one of them.  It’s all important.  But if you feel unhappy about what you’ve achieved in life when you take all of it into consideration, I hope you’ll take the time to consider deeply what it is that you most want, and begin to chart a course toward it.  Working toward goals that feel great and significant is a basic human desire; if you want to live a life that feels whole, you must not neglect this.  And try to do it with zest for maximum enjoyment!