So Much Happier Blog
Feeling Reeeeeally Tired?
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
Photo by Ethan Brooke
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this year has felt like an endless Groundhog Day-style slog for a lot of people. We’ve all had to adapt to major changes nearly overnight, and these changes have involved confusion and sacrifice. Much has been uncomfortable, frustrating, contentious, and challenging. Living in times when everyone is feeling these things has led to drops in efficiency across all of our activities, and interactions with other people that are increasingly strained by the pressures everyone is facing. We’re being called to think and function in new ways, and many people have been pushed over the edge past where they can find any sense of balance.
Times of intense challenge require innovation, as the “old way” of doing things will often no longer be effective or even tenable. Unfortunately, humans don’t seem to like change very much! Throughout history, there are endless examples of blind resistance to change that was doomed, yet the trend was to dig in and refuse to reckon with change anyway. It takes work to change our thinking, our habits, and to change our own sense of identity—which, because of the endless antics of the ego, can actually feel like a kind of death. Fun!
To cope with all of this challenge, we need tools to foster internal adaptation and resilience. Unfortunately, most of us have been told that the answer to everything related to mind and emotions is willpower, a.k.a. stubbornness. You’re “supposed to” be able to muscle through whatever comes up, and if not, well, you’re weak and useless. This thinking paints people into corners where they think they need to suffer in silence in order to be valuable. In fact, if we want to be the most effective (not to mention happy) people we can be, just the opposite is true! We need to acknowledge where we’re struggling, find ways to vent off and transform our emotions into useful knowledge, and take action to create healthier balance in our lives.
You probably know by now that I find Tapping to be one of the most effective tools in existence for helping us to do all of these things. It’s simple, direct, and it works on all levels, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. And it’s free to learn and use as a self-help tool whenever you need it. It does encompass a lot of techniques that take time to master, but just the simplest version can make all the difference in how you experience your every day. If you haven’t yet started to practice using it, I strongly recommend that now is the time to put in a few minutes here and there to remind yourself of the steps and practice.
One of the things I like best about Tapping is that we don’t need to try to force anything to happen in this medium. We just express the reality of what’s going on in our inner world, and allow change to happen organically while we Tap. How we feel is not just ok, but important, and allowing it can lead to illuminating understandings and change that naturally occurs in right timing for our capacity. Symptoms of stress may melt away, sleep may improve, and you may find yourself feeling a lot less resistance to appropriate change with continued use. (Those are side effects we can all live with!) The name for the specific version of meridian tapping in which I am trained is called EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques, for good reason!
I also want to share an article this week that makes some excellent points about how much the sheer uncertainty of the current environment can wear on us. Of course life always involves uncertainty, but these are unusual times to be sure. I hope you find it a useful reminder that you are not alone, and that it’s ok to be feeling on edge right now. Just don’t forget that you have the power to help yourself feel better about whatever stresses are on your plate, maybe after just a few minutes of Tapping.
Ready for Your Shot?
Timing is tricky. In order to have a life that feels like it hums along and really works, it’s necessary to learn skills that help you to keep up with your goals and desires. You have to be reasonably ready for the opportunities you want when they come knocking, otherwise you don’t move forward. The challenge is that life is complex, with seemingly infinite numbers of moving parts to coordinate. It’s easy to be distracted and exhausted by less important factors before you invest your time and energy where you most want to—and that’s assuming you’ve been able to come to clarity on what you want in the first place.
Readiness requires work. I know this may not be what we all like to hear, but most of us don’t gain mastery at any skill set in a short period of time. It takes practice and the wisdom gained from experience over time to gain grounded confidence. Being willing to put in this work day after day, month after month, year after year, and so on, is a huge part of timing. “Overnight success” tends to happen to those who have done this unglamorous work in the background long before the spotlights and the acclaim showed up.
One of the most valuable skill sets that most of us don’t spend nearly enough time building is the constant acquisition of the knowledge and habits required to build and maintain our personal health and wellness, including physical fitness and vibrant energy as well as mental and emotional well being. You cannot excel when handed opportunities if you can’t get out of bed in the morning, right?
But the thing that probably frustrates humans more about timing than any other factor is the existence of all the elements we just can’t control. Earth is a pretty chaotic place, what with billions of people exercising free will to the best of their abilities all the time. Efforts to stand out, muster resources, find and team up with like-minded others, and keep all the basics of life spinning take a lot of doing. Sometimes external conditions seem prohibitive, or at least inhospitable. And when it seems like we’re not getting anywhere, we get frustrated.
We’ve all heard stories about people finding romance after long periods when such a thing seemed like it would never happen. Often, the timing of one or the other partner was such that they were in the midst of other occupations and not truly available until they finally came together. It may be that one or both seemed to wait forever, but eventually the waiting came to an end. Other areas of life are like this too. Sometimes the wait for the right conditions for success seems interminable and pointless. Yet if you fill your time as best you can, you are preparing for the moment that may yet arrive, even if well past your preferred due date.
Many things about life are mysterious. This may make us nuts, but we can never control everything—not even close! The best we can do is invest in ourselves and our goals, always learning and proceeding as best we can. There is no total certainty on this planet. We must manage our emotions around this if we wish to enjoy happiness despite never having absolutely everything we want. Because humans are pretty darn creative, it’s unlikely that you ever will. Learning to be ok with this and appreciate what you do have is at the core of allowing happiness in.
While you may feel that it’s hard to stand out among such a large population, the high number of others around you also offers you a high number of chances for collaboration. Sometimes finding the right partners or supporters makes all the difference in charting your course. As frustrating as it can be to wait for the right conditions for your success, you must keep going if you want it. Fill your downtime with friends, mental and emotional management techniques, fun, learning, and preparation, and when that chance arrives, you’ll be ready to latch onto it and make the very best of it. You can’t make timing work, but can make yourself ready—so do that! This is your part in supporting the magic of timing.
Not Again!
“What’s so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you’re constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that.”
Life moves pretty fast, but many of us feel that the progress we most want is slow in coming. Learning new things, finding or creating the right opportunities, and starting new ventures often takes waaaay longer than we want it to. Frustration is a common complaint because the experience of working hard and never seeming to get anywhere is commonplace. Because I'm pretty sure that you can relate, in this blog I want to address how we can deal with being in this stew of frustration.
Sometimes when I work with clients on frustration, we get them to a place of feeling great, but they immediately start to worry that the frustration will just return. And I have to agree—it will! Just as achieving proper hydration today is a feat you'll need to repeat tomorrow even if you ace it today, managing your emotional life and your thoughts is work that will always need doing. Sorry if I've burst your bubble because you thought there was such a thing as being perfect and "done." It may look to you from the outside like some people have it all together and are beyond internal turmoil. Trust me on this, except for perhaps the odd below-the-radar enlightened master among us, they're not!
If we live in a constant state of frustration, it's because we're not appropriately 1. blowing off steam and 2. allowing novelty into our lives. We cannot ignore and repress anything that even smells like an emotion for decades at a time and expect to feel calm and unconflicted. Emotions are actually there for a reason. They send us important messages about what's not working for us so we can become aware of the problem and fix it. If your emotions seem huge and painful, unless you have a chemical imbalance of some sort or have experienced significant trauma, it's probably because you've ignored smaller waves of emotion, and now they've become more intense as they've piled up. If you do the work required to become aware of what they're pointing to and deal with that issue appropriately, you'll find relief. I know almost none of us is taught how to do this, but there are various ways. I think you know I'm a big fan of Tapping, which not only helps you to release excess built-up emotion, but also to quite naturally find root causes and new perspectives on your situation that will help you to change old patterns. As far as the novelty piece of the equation, when you're frustrated, don't you feel like it's just same thing day after day after day? Well, maybe it is. And maybe that's because you're not trying new things, seeking diverse outside viewpoints, or making new connections to break your logjam. These two things can get you unstuck from continued frustration fairly efficiently, opening up new possibilities that allow you to feel freer.
The last tactic I want to mention is the cultivation of more robust spiritual, mental, and emotional endurance—translation: Patience. The ability to continue striving to stay conscious, and continue learning and attempting to produce better results every day for extended periods, even when progress is slow, all without freaking out, is very well worth cultivating. In our instant-gratification culture, this may sound like just about the least enjoyable thing ever, but little to no enduring work has ever been created without it. Take a look at this blog for hints about how to increase your capacity for patience. Hopefully all of these elements together will help to buoy you up the next time you feel stuck and frustrated. No one enjoys feeling stuck, and when you're in that place, you're not able to be the best self that will most benefit your happiness, as well as the world around you.
Chasing Your Tail?
“To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.”
Do you ever find yourself asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?” If so, you’re in good company! You may have encountered this kind of confusion many times. We all get stuck sometimes in patterns that aren’t helpful, but also aren’t easy to solve. You may have no idea what’s going on, or you may know exactly what the problem is and feel powerless to change your outcome. Assuming that you want to start getting better results when this is your complaint, read on. We’ll look at how to break out of a persistent pattern and move toward happier developments.
When you feel stuck, you’re probably also feeling frustration, anger, sadness, pessimism or hopelessness. Since good ideas don’t usually pop up in the midst of strong negative emotions, it’s best to work on changing your emotional state before working on your issue. You might do this by venting how you feel in any number of ways (writing it all down, talking with a friend who won’t mind hearing your tale of woe, working out to let off steam, etc.), or by just getting your mind off the subject for a while. If you’re tired, hungry, or thirsty, you may need to address those physical needs too. At a time when you can feel fresh physically, mentally, and emotionally, you’re more likely to be able to take a good look at what has happened or is happening with curiosity and openness to new insights and ideas.
When you’re ready, here are the steps I recommend for moving yourself forward.
1. Start with your mind, as it helps to figure out what your level of clarity is before troubleshooting. Think through your pattern and how it tends to show up in your life. How have the circumstances played out over time? Have recent experiences been very similar to those further in the past, or are they different lately? Have you made any progress at all on the issue? Can you see any way at all in which you may be contributing to the problem? Treat this like a full-on investigation—feel free to enlist the help of a supportive friend and really get your Sherlock on. Sometimes telling someone else about all the times something similar has occurred gives you a chance to have your experience validated as unusual, which can help you feel like it’s not just all in your head. Sometimes it’s just helpful to have someone there to help as you think about your problem, and bring a different perspective to illuminate aspects you might have missed.
This is a good time to brainstorm, meaning to toss around any wild idea that comes to mind about what’s happening and why, and then try it on to see whether it seems to have any merit. Trying to exaggerate, get creative, and make things outrageous to the point of silliness (without judging yourself) brings in an element of fun, which helps you to remember this is not the only thing in your life, and it may be possible to change things for the better.
2. Hopefully, you now have some clarity about what you know. If this is a case where you know exactly what the problem is and have some ideas about how change it, but you feel a lack of confidence or an unwillingness to try your best options, skip to #3. On the other hand, if you still feel thoroughly confused, it’s now time to find an expert. You can run an online search for information about your problem and see who has experience with this, and who’s offering information about it. You can visit a library or bookstore and see what information is available there. You could find a support group for people with a similar problem, and see if anyone there has valuable insight for you. You could talk to a coach or psychologist or religious counselor, depending on the nature of your issue, and see whether that helps you to gain clarity about your options. Once you have a better idea of how others have dealt with your issue, you should have some ideas about possible steps to take.
3. If the thought of taking any of the steps that would be part of your best ideas makes you want to have a meltdown, you need to go back to physical needs (do you need hydration or nutrition, sleep, exercise, stretching, or other attention to your physical body?) You don’t have to be in perfect condition to move forward, but if any of those physical needs is very loud, you’ll do better to address it first so you’re not distracted. Once those are taken care of, it’s time to look at your emotional state.
How you feel is a powerful indicator of other factors that might hold you back if not given some air time. You can want to make progress all you want with your mind, but if some part of you is afraid to because of previous experiences or outsized worries, you’re going to have a hard time getting anywhere. We’re so often taught by well-meaning mentors that we must ignore and power through fears and other emotions, but I find that emotions are often there for good reason. They may hold important information that can help us understand how to proceed in the most efficient way for our unique needs.
This is where the use of EFT can really save the day. If emotions come up when you consider taking some reasonable step toward a solution, Tapping can help you to get clear on why you feel the way you do; it can then help you to release the fear or other emotion that is keeping you feeling stuck. I’m not suggesting that this is a one-time endeavor, because change is often difficult, demanding, and scary. Emotional management is a crucial component in maintaining motivation and effective action at all times. A persistent fear, for instance, might be difficult or impossible to completely remove from your experience, but having a tool like EFT makes it much easier to keep coming back to a calm, more resourceful state; with it, you can take useful messages from your emotions and settle them with reassurance rather than ignoring or trying to dominate them out of existence.
4. Take action on some of those good ideas you came up with in other steps. There’s no substitute for experience and the feedback it results in. Keep reminding yourself that any change requires practice; your new action may not be a comfortable tool to use at will until you’ve experimented with it numerous times. You will probably make mistakes, or find some of the shortcomings of your new policy, and you will need to start back at #1 with anything that doesn’t work for reasons you can’t quite make out.
Then, rinse and repeat. Your life is unique, and solutions that are right for you may not be such that you can copy them directly from others. It may take a lot of experimentation and refinement to find what works best for you. That’s normal and ok. Only you can decide how to best be yourself! You get to choose how to express who you want to be in every moment, and that’s a privilege. It’s one of the exciting things about being alive. The willingness to concentrate on and truly observe your own life and experience makes understanding and innovation possible. If you want a life that is more to your liking, getting there must involve focus and observation—bringing your desires into being requires that you first notice what is true for you and what you want. While not everything can be solved with the mind, it is our best tool for beginning the process of appropriate and fulfilling change. I challenge you to start paying attention to what you’re not enjoying in life, and activate the power of your curiosity.
It's Not You, It's Me
“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
In last week’s blog, we looked at how disappointments large and small, sustained over time, can tempt us to take on limiting and destructive beliefs about ourselves and the world. This week I want to focus on a related tendency I’ve observed, equally as problematic and possibly even more pervasive. This is the tendency that many of us have to feel disappointment or frustration, and then turn it quickly and harshly back against ourselves as anger.
In her excellent book Tapping into Wealth, Margaret Lynch includes some great work on how to notice what you’ve decided certain experiences mean about you, who you are and what is possible for you. Uncovering the beliefs about yourself that came about in response to difficult events can be a real eye-opener, because while the beliefs may seem quite familiar when you think about it, you may have no idea where they came from or why they’re there. They probably just seem true, the way things are. Working with these beliefs and reshaping them is a revolutionary experience that can change the entire tenor of your life. However, it’s just as important to look forward and find ways of not forming brand-new limiting beliefs every passing day, and this can be even more tricky. You have to notice how it happens to stop doing it.
I recently had an experience through which I realized very clearly how vicious my self-talk can become when I’m upset or disappointed about something. It wasn’t even triggered by anything all that important, just something that was causing me some garden-variety stress and annoyance that I was tapping about, and I suddenly had a vivid memory of being a young child that seemed connected to the problem at hand. I was probably under ten years old in the memory, and I was so angry and frustrated at myself because there was a skill I was trying to learn that I just could not do correctly yet. All the feelings of frustration, and a seemingly disproportionate sense of rage, as well as feelings of being trapped, welled up. (I never cease to be amazed that such a volume of emotion can be stored and flare with a vengeance when an old memory is triggered, even one you haven’t thought of in years, and that now seems unimportant from an intellectual standpoint!) In this memory, I was just so angry at myself, and I felt that anger in the present as a physical burning sensation all throughout my torso. I remember telling myself that I couldn’t do anything right, and that I’d never learn the new skill because I was just hopeless.
I’m not sure where I got all this, because my parents really tried to encourage us to be positive, persistent, and to put in the work when we were trying to learn something. Who knows? We all get angry and frustrated, and maybe I was just tired and burned out that day. Whatever the reason for the pattern, I recognized this as something I do from time to time internally to this day, and I barely even notice it happening. I generally don’t stop to think about it, and I’ve never seen it so clearly as I did in this memory. I kept tapping on the anger, frustration, and the feeling of being trapped until it all subsided. I was left with a resolve to watch for this habit of thought in the future and work to arrest negative self-talk when I get frustrated by something. I also felt much less concerned with the thing that was contributing to my original stress and annoyance in the present day.
It’s obvious to me in retrospect that when we’re learning new skills, we always have to endure a period of rank incompetence, which really isn’t any fun, but is completely normal. No one is born with skills at, really, anything. Learning is always a process; just because we can’t do something on the first try, that doesn’t mean we’re not able to learn it at all, or that we’re stupid, or useless, or anything else dire. But in the moment, when emotion overtakes us, we’re not thinking logically. We’re far more likely to overreact and decide that our current difficulties “mean” something about us that they don’t actually mean at all. Boy, did I ever do that in that childhood memory! If we can gain clarity about some of the formative experiences that set a negative pattern for us, that creates a path toward undoing them by targeting those experiences with tapping, or NLP, or hypnosis, or some other technique that involves both the memories and a physical element. Techniques that involve the body have proven to be the most successful in creating positive emotional change that sticks.
Next time you find that you’re ranting at yourself when you’re angry or frustrated, ask yourself what this feeling of self-recrimination reminds you of, and think back to the earliest time you can remember feeling something like this. You might be surprised at the answer you get from the old memory banks, and the outdated anger at yourself you might still be holding onto. If you haven’t learned how to tap, hop to it! It’s easy, and I know I’m grateful for it every day that I use it to ease my stresses, whether old or new. When you diminish the power of old emotions, it can be astonishing how your current emotions will calm as well. And keeping your current emotions from spiraling too far out of control diminishes the likelihood that you will reinforce habits of reflexive anger at yourself that have no earthly use in the creation of a happy life.