So Much Happier Blog
Feeling Out of Phase?
Well friends, here we are solidly into 2020, a new year and a new decade! Whether you were raring to go or felt blindsided by the trappings of wrapping up the old year, time marches on. Like a lot of people, I spent the transition groggy with a nasty cold, and I feel like I’m only now finally starting to wake up again. Maybe you’ve already hit the ground running with exciting new ideas and plans, and if so, well done!
Whatever your experience has been so far, remember that your personal timing doesn’t have to line up with everyone else’s to be valid. Sometimes we all get a little (or a lot) out of step with where the world seems to be headed. You may experience this in small ways, with a sense of being out of synch in your closest relationships or in your local routines. For much of human history, the local was most of what we had to worry about! However, now, with the advent of the Information Age and the 24-hour news cycle that must be filled, no matter how low-quality the programming, we are bombarded with so much more than we can ever participate in, and much of it is fear-mongering. The split focus and temptation toward constant worry that this constantly induces is confusing at best and utterly overwhelming at worst.
And this is not just experienced on a personal level. Our new normal is affecting the genesis and reaction to mass events the world over. This time in history is in many ways chaotic and shot through with layers of rudderless conflict. We’ve hit multiple tipping points that require us to change on a global scale if we want to have a planet to live on at all in another decade or three, and the majority of the world’s leaders seem convinced that childish, self-obsessed stupidity is the way to go.
I actually think a lot of our issues come down to failures in educational systems. That’s not really surprising, since education used to be only for the wealthy, and only quite recently has there been an effort to scale it up to cover everyone in cultures across the world. This effort has revealed a whole new set of challenges that are not easy or quick to solve with our current level of experience regarding the effective transfer of information and skills in group settings. And just recently, the number of readily available distractions has exploded. It used to be that for those with the luxury of free time, one of the exciting things you could do was learn, and expand your horizons in self-motivated ways. Now so much is handed to us, even foisted upon us, that learning is less a joy and more of a constant drudgery as we try to keep up with everything that a cacophony of questionably valuable tastemakers tells us we must.
I don’t mean to sound like a grumpy old person here (“It used to be that everything was just great, blah blah blah”), because there was never a time when everything was perfect on planet Earth! What I’m hearing from so many people right now, though, is that the fight against constant overwhelm is becoming more and more consuming and exhausting. If you feel like you’re bogged down in a cycle of just getting through each day and recovering from it, you’re in good company! Here are some ideas that may help you as you begin to construct your vision of this new year and begin to set it into motion:
Acknowledge that this world is a challenging place in which to live, and don’t be so hard on yourself about it. You have to balance yourself and your needs, the needs of those closest to you, and your relationship with the wider world, all of which are demanding, and these demands are constantly shifting. Give yourself some love and credit for keeping up with all of this. Some people like to make their lives look effortless on social media. Don’t believe that #*%~.
Reaffirm that only you can be the source of the most high-quality information about you. By all means, consider feedback from others as you chart your path, but if their assumptions are wrong, reject them. Only if you retain the right to be the arbiter of your opinions about yourself, and choose to make self-compassion a guiding principle, will you have access to the constant stream of creativity you need in your daily efforts to make your life the best it can be.
Have a written list of your priorities that you refer to daily. Focus is key. You can imagine far more than you can ever accomplish in the flesh! You must prioritize your highest values and connected projects if you ever want to get anywhere. Do you have this? Almost no one does. If you don’t, make a list now in your phone or somewhere else you can easily refer to it. Have you done this yet? Seriously, do it now!
Unless you are a writer or other passionate content producer by choice, focusing on living your life in the real world is far more crucial than narrating your every move in the twittersphere. Yes, stay in touch with important people in your life in the most convenient ways for you. Just don’t confuse running in endless circles online with accomplishing your goals. Simplify and focus.
Carve out the time you need to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. If you think you’re too busy, start with small steps. If you fall off the wagon, get up and keep trying. You can’t sustain an optimal life if you always put your basic needs last.
Get clear about the ways in which you want to contribute and give, the ways that feel appropriate and exciting for you. If you’re not sure, get out there and practice donating some of your favorite skills. Be careful to corral your giving into this mission statement so that you don’t start behaving as though you owe all things to all people. We all need to exist within a give and take dynamic with the societies we live in, but doing too much will exhaust you and deny the world the best version of what you have to give. Give joyfully, and when you can’t, plot your rest and rejuvenation, and then get back to your chosen areas of giving.
Keep an eye out for ways to make your life fun. If something isn’t fun at all, you’ll tend to quit, because there are limits to human reserves of willpower. Enjoyment keeps us motivated in healthy ways. It also draws us toward activities we’re good at, which helps nurture our effectiveness and deeply feed our life vitality.
It’s fine to be influenced by the timing of the world and the people around you, but remember that those who have invented some of the best solutions in history have been considered eccentric-to-outright-crazy because they were not following the pack. In case you haven’t noticed (you probably have if you’re reading this), the world is desperately in need of creative solutions to a wide variety of problems. Paradoxically, you may be better able to help by refusing to have your timing and your activities dictated by conventional wisdom, immediate imperatives that you’re not the right person for, and public opinion.
Treasure the people you trust. Friends who have your best interests at heart as well as their own, and who have demonstrated the ability to maintain relationships characterized by a balance between giving and receiving, are one of the best things in life. Appreciate these people at every opportunity!
There are times when we need to meet life with a warrior spirit, and no matter what you’re attempting to do with your life, it seems to me that now, this moment on this planet, is one of those times. I don’t mean that we need to be combative, but rather suffused with a courageous willingness to do what is necessary and appropriate in order to meet the challenges we face, both personal and collective. Find someone from any time in history who inspires you in this direction.
I wish you courage, focus, friendship, ease, and joy as you face whatever may unfold for you in 2020. Be awesome!
Where Am I Stuck?
“How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.”
Last week, we looked at the ways in which we tend to resist noticing where we could grow and improve for faster progress toward our goals. This is a very normal human behavior, but it keeps us from being everything we can. This week, I want to encourage you to think about where in your life you feel stuck, and what part in that you yourself may be playing.
It’s usually pretty easy to notice your pain points—often you probably spend much of your day mulling, even obsessing over them. Unless you’re a master at avoidance of your own emotions (and some people are), it probably isn’t hard for you to rattle off the things that are currently frustrating the heck out of you, and the situations you still don’t seem able to change no matter what you try. This is step one.
Step two can be harder because of the blind spots we’re all prone to. This is where I will ask you to think about the ways in which you may be contributing to the pain you’re experiencing, even if you haven’t been doing so consciously. Your first reaction might be, “I’m not! It’s the world, the industry, my family, etc.!” I’m sure that there are numerous factors playing into your situation, but are you sure you have NO hand in it? You might also wail that it’s all your fault, and that wouldn’t be true either. Life on Earth is a shared experience, and if you don’t live on a desert island, then nothing comes down to only you. The important thing is to get used to becoming open to observing where we have the power to choose differently, grow, and become more able to succeed in the ways we hope. So even when you’ve just had it with the factors that are not within your direct control, remember to think about any little part of the problem that could trace back to you. What would make you able to immediately solve this problem? Resources? Skills? Knowledge?
Once you have a better sense of this, you can start making a plan to work on those things that would be helpful and are within your control. This week, ask yourself what you would need to do to improve your own standing in the context of your most annoying problems. Next week we’ll talk about what to do with this information so that you can start moving forward again.
I Can't Even
“You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself, and you’re responsible for the energy that you bring to others.”
Often, the reasons we don’t make progress toward our biggest goals boil down to overwhelm. When life seems like it’s all just too much, we tend to shut down as soon as we think about taking action. When it seems like there are always way too many things to do in a finite number of hours each day, when change comes at you so fast it’s hard to prioritize strategically, when you’re under stress and chronically exhausted, you’re probably operating in a state of overwhelm. You feel stuck and confused, and optimism is hard to generate. This is not a powerful place from which to get things done.
Having just gone through a period of very low energy (I was scheduled to the max and got sick three times in short succession because I was determined to keep my commitments and rest later) I was reminded that the most basic level of countering overwhelm requires adequate physical energy. I remembered that the definition of energy in my high school biology class was paraphrased as “the ability to do work.” As a human, that ability requires other things too, but the physical energy part can’t be skipped. After my busy period wrapped up, it was a couple of weeks before I really felt alert, awake and alive again. In those weeks, I got tired early in the day, had less available willpower, greater challenges in finding my natural positivity and resourcefulness, and generally felt a total lack of desire to be productive. As soon as I had gotten some high-quality rest and allowed myself to recover, all of that started to improve. Moving my body helped to boost it all too, once I had the energy to do that. But it was so clear to me that without our own vital energy to pour into our projects, our goals are toast.
Nurturing your energy, therefore, should be primary in your quest for the things you want out of life! The pace of change is often far slower than we want it to be, so you probably won’t be able to create anything truly significant in a flame of short-term overwork. You’ll need to maintain a longer, slower burn in most cases. That means you’ll need to attend to these aspects of creating and maintaining adequate energy to do work:
Physical needs. Nutrition is key here. Sure, you can run your body on nothing but doughnuts, but this is going to short you of everything except a sugar high and subsequent crashes, and subsequent long-term breakdown. You need to work on gravitating to adequate amounts of lean proteins for your level of daily activity, plus plenty of veggies and some fruits throughout the day for all the rejuvenating micronutrients they offer. As much as possible of your diet should be certified organic so you’re not taking in unnecessary pesticides, hormones, and other toxins. If the multiplicity of conflicting views on what you should be eating has left you confused, consider consulting a nutritionist who shares your most important values around food. This can yield huge gains for decades to come.
Exercise. Your body wants and needs to move for optimal energy, balance, sleep, moods, and overall health. You don’t need to overdo it to see and feel results. Find something you don’t mind doing, even if you don’t love it—just do something.
Sleep. If you’re not getting enough, you’re trying to pursue excellence while mentally and physically impaired, and you’re leaving huge areas of your own capacity out of reach. Do what you can to set aside more time for sleep and solve problems you have with it. There may be periods of your life when you won’t get much sleep (such as the first year of a new child’s life), in which case you’ll need to minimize other goals to some extent if you want the process toward them to be something other than a disheartening struggle.
Emotional needs. It’s pretty hard to find the energy to knuckle down and get to work if you’re immobilized by fear, anxiety, grief, or other emotions. These are not just distractions, they’re sources of important information that can actually help you find a deeper sense of purpose and maintain a strong sense of self and what’s right for you. Tapping to the rescue! Of course there are other options that can be of help, but I’ve never found anything more efficient than EFT to help move, illuminate, and clear emotions.
Mental needs. The mind functions best in balance with all of your other parts, so bonus—your work in the other areas helps here too. We’re also learning that meditation helps the brain to function better. Being able to calm your mind gives it space to function without the unnecessary din of wild, reactive thinking. If sitting still and trying to get quiet internally feels too challenging, you can start with moving meditations like walking and repeating a rhythmic mantra, or spending some time every day consciously listening to and enjoying some soothing music. Tapping can help calm your thoughts too, and I consider it to be another type of moving meditation. Just sayin’.
Spiritual/Values-Based Needs. Humans are naturally social animals with a desire to participate in efforts larger than themselves. If you are not finding a way to do this in some way that feels appropriate and inspiring to you, then you’re disconnected from one of the greatest motivational engines you could ever harness. This doesn’t have to show up in a standard-looking religious or spiritual manner for you, but it does need to express what you consider to be your highest values, the best of who you are and want to be. As with exercise, baby steps are fine, just start something and see where the inspiration takes you.
Look, I know this is a lot to balance, and that’s why life is such a challenge. It’s ok to admit that! Working toward and constantly correcting this balance for yourself is a lifelong process of learning, and not something you ever achieve and put behind you. If you want to sustain the energy you’ll need to accomplish your goals, though, it’s the stuff of your daily assignment. Go forth and be energetic!
How Did I Get Here?
“Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed... Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders.”
Now that winter is out and it’s officially spring, we’re almost a quarter of the way through 2019. It’s a good time to stop and take stock of how things are going for you compared to any goals you may have set for the year. Without periodic analysis, you may not make the necessary course corrections to keep yourself moving forward efficiently; however, the context for your progress and the messages you take away from your analysis are important, not just the accuracy of the analysis itself.
Yes, it’s helpful to be clear and honest with yourself about how far you have (or haven’t) come, but it’s also important to notice the reasons why you may have gotten off track so that you can learn from your experience and do something useful about it. For instance, did you overestimate how much you could add to your daily routine while still keeping up the maintenance on everything you already like about your life? Did you get completely stuck somewhere, which prevented you from making your expected progress? Did you decide to take another opportunity, or go in a slightly different direction, so that you made a different kind of progress? And will you choose to see these happenings as failures, or will you mine them for the value they may have to offer?
If you got overwhelmed, maybe you need to break your goals down into smaller steps and try to accomplish a little less every day so you can avoid burnout. If you got stuck and didn’t know how to break your logjam, what can you do to solve that? If you branched out in an unexpected direction, will you need to go back to what you skipped later, and if so, when will that make sense? Taking the time to notice what happened allows you to calibrate to your current reality so that you can make clear, efficient decisions grounded in facts rather than muddling through each day confusedly hoping that all this effort will somehow be worth it someday. Creative, mindful tinkering may lead to real results, but blind muddling generally will not!
No process ever unfolds without surprises. This truth can be both frustrating and invigorating, and sometimes both at once! It can seem desirable to plan and execute everything to perfection, and after all, planning is absolutely necessary to peak productivity; on the other hand, fighting the need to adjust and remain flexible will only drain your energy, because life on planet Earth requires it. Where billions of people are running around exercising free will, it will often be hard to predict exact timing and results no matter how skilled you are at planning! If you want to reach your goals, you need to build in time for reflection, honest measurement of your progress, and strategic adjustments.
One last observation I’ll lob at you: Many of us try to gear up and start the new calendar year with a bang, but according to Traditional Chinese Medicine and other traditions, winter is a time to replenish yin energy, sleep, rest, and dream your ideas into being—it’s not the best time for massive action, pushing yourself, and trying to force timing. If you’ve had trouble with New Year’s resolutions you made at the turn of the year, it may be because you were using the collective habit and energy of those around you to try to fire up some change when what you really needed was some rest and restoration. You might need to just slow down your process a bit, or you might need to allow yourself a break, some space to clear your mind and let your natural enthusiasm start to bubble up again. Now will be a better time to start new things, but again, realize that effecting change takes time and patience. It’s not all about willpower, or trying to force your ideas into being. It’s about working with and remaining open to body, emotions, and spirit as well as mind. Change lasts when you take the time to get all your parts on board with the plan and help them adjust.
Wherever you find yourself in relationship to your goals, you know what to do. Examine why you’re there and what you need to do next to address your position. And don’t forget to Tap on any emotions, thoughts, or beliefs that come up as you do, which will help you to clear out internal blocks to seeing a clear path forward. Happy spring!
What If I Can't Do It?
“A hero is someone who, in spite of weakness, doubt or not always knowing the answers, goes ahead and overcomes anyway.”
As we approach the last week of January, I bet you’ve noticed some (possibly pretty serious) resistance to continuing your actions toward your New Year’s resolutions or general 2019 goals. I wanted to chime in at this point and remind you that this is completely normal, and that no one who accomplishes anything requiring sustained effort is always certain that they will prevail. Uncertainty assails us all as we reach for more than we’ve accomplished in the past; only when we’ve proven that we can do something, usually repeatedly, does confidence really start to root. Those who succeed find a way to cope with the worry, uncertainty, and doubt and keep moving and adjusting, failing all the way forward if necessary.
While you may be able to hold onto your enthusiasm for a new project in the short run despite difficulties, as weeks and months wear on, it will be challenged. Below are some strategies for handling the inevitable . I hope they help you to envision how you will work through tougher times, but know that the possibilities are endless, and a chief part of your job as CEO of your life and your mission is to expand this list and figure out which strategies really hit the bullseye of what you need in the midst of challenge.
Have a statement of what you’re working toward and why, and read it multiple times per day. Be descriptive and really write out everything you expect to have and feel when you’ve accomplished your goal. When you read this, you should feel inspired and as though your mission is a wonderful expression of who you are. When you read it, do not give in to negative, detracting thoughts, but just remind yourself why you started this process and why you still want the goal
When something comes up that tempts you to just run screaming and give up, remind yourself that it’s ok and part of being human to get frustrated
Be prepared to tinker your way to new solutions that may be unique to you
On the other hand, be willing to learn from others who have covered similar ground, or parts of it—you never have to do anything without the benefit of wisdom from others, even if it’s just in the form of reading books on a topic somewhere in the realm of what you’re working on, or looking up how-to’s on technical instruction online
Practice taking care of yourself when the tough times rear their ugly heads. What really works for you when you’re feeling overwhelmed and disheartened?
Naps?
Baths?
Cooking a beautiful and at least partly healthy meal that you and others around you can enjoy?
Spending time with certain positive, loving, accepting people or pets who help you to feel seen for who you are at your core?
Spending some time on a creative, fun hobby that brings you joy?
Inspiring music or other forms of art that remind you of the better things about humanity, and who you are and wish to be?
Moving your body in ways you enjoy?
Hikes or walks in natural surroundings to get you outside in the air and sun?
Getting a massage or some acupuncture or visiting some other kind of professional healer-type person?
Talking out issues with a friend or therapist?
Finding a support group for whatever you might be experiencing?
Teaming up with someone else who may need help and support as they work on goals as well, or with a coach who can assist you with your process?
Finding ways to laugh more and bring some hilarity into your life (just not at yourself in a derogatory way, though)
Just trying something, anything, new in your leisure time to get out of a rut
Addressing your emotions specifically, with Tapping or something else that helps you express and move past difficult feelings and get back to creativity
Planning treats into your regular routine that don’t contradict your goals so you always have something to look forward to
Etc.!
It’s easy to think up ways in which you’d like to succeed, but often much harder to actually bring these to fruition. I hope you have an enjoyable time in reaching your goals this year, but if you struggle at any point, there’s absolutely nothing unusual about that, and it doesn’t mean you can’t get to the results you want. It just means you need to be crafty as you go up against your challenges and keep getting better at something related to your goals every week. The self-renewal piece absolutely counts, because it’s what will help you to sustain your resilience when everything seems like too much.
And now I’m taking my own advice and going to get ready to see a fantastic improv group in LA that made me and my companions laugh really hard last time we went. I’ve worked really hard this week and I deserve some downtime! What do you need at this moment, or what would be most helpful? That’s your job to figure out as you take action, receive feedback from the world, and regroup to surge forward again. No matter what you’re up against, you can find ways to keep moving toward your worthy goals in ever smarter and more effective ways. Striving toward things that are meaningful to you is part of what makes life worth it, so keep modifying your techniques and even your goals if you must, but don’t give up!
The Long, Slow Burn
“The difficult is what takes a little time; the impossible is what takes a little longer.”
Whatever the first weeks of 2019 have been like for you, and no matter what your goals are as you look ahead, I know without a doubt that there will be challenges in the cards for you. You probably know it too, and this knowledge can drive fears that may slow you down, confuse you, or just make the process of taking your daily actions a lot less fun. No one is immune from dreading issues that may arise, so we all need to find sources of inspiration to keep us going when things look drab, bleak, or otherwise not fun.
This week I wanted to share a great clip from motivational speaker Les Brown, who is full of wisdom and always entertaining. In this audio, he talks about how sometimes it takes so much longer than we want it to to get to our destination. Not only that, others may tell us that we’re getting nowhere fast, and we’re crazy to try. If you want that goal, you have to find ways to just keep at your efforts, knowing that there will be progress eventually. This may all sound fairly obvious, but I want you to hear his spin on this, because it’s memorable, and it may serve as one of those inspirations for you. If you don’t know his work, it may also give you someone else to follow for words of wisdom and inspiration, and most of us can use as many of these as we can get! Enjoy, and remember to Tap about and challenges that have already started to rear their heads in your path this year. We need both inspiration and learning, and constant acts of self-care in order to stay ready for our daily routines.
Hit or Fold?
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.”
Sometimes working on a personal project ends up, at some point, feeling like a real slog through the mud. What started as a seemingly great idea is now causing you to wonder whether you were crazy to have ever taken up the banner. You start to wonder whether you should give up and can it. This can be a hard decision, though, because what about all that time and effort you’ve already sunk into your project? No one enjoys feeling like time and energy has been wasted! You also have to confront how you’ll judge yourself if you walk away—will that mean you’re a loser/a failure/a (fill-in-the-blank)? It may be tougher to ignore this question if your project is visible to others, because then you end up thinking about how others might judge you as well. Is it better and more noble to keep throwing good resources into a mysterious hole in hopes that things will work out eventually than is is to quit too early, and maybe never be sure you did?
Making good decisions about what to do in this situation requires multiple dimensions of consideration. Your deliberations need not take long, but if you don’t cover these bases, you may be left with nagging uncertainty and an unnecessary hit to your confidence. Here are the areas that I recommend you explore before making your final decision:
- Physical. Are you guilty of ignoring your own basic human needs (sleep, nutrition, exercise/movement)? If so, you may need to rely on answers within the other areas to make your decision, because ignoring your body over time will make everything feel like a slog! It’s fairly trendy in some circles to claim that only weaklings need these things, and “real men,” “warriors,” “entrepreneurs,” or whoever, can power through without without all those silly indulgences the peons distract themselves with. I’m sorry to break it to you, but this is an old-fashioned myth left over from less educated times! We now know that without these things, the body, and the brain that resides within as an inextricable part of it, falters, struggles, and ages far more quickly than necessary. You can use your precious energy to rail against the fact that you can only experience life on planet Earth in a body that has limitations, OR you can learn to choose the simple decisions that allow you the joy and fulfillment of functioning at peak capacity. Like adequate sleep and healthy food. Which would you rather?
- Mental. Our culture is very focused on logic, so this area should be familiar to you. Logic is, of course, an amazing tool for assessing where you are, extrapolating where you're headed based on this, and figuring out how you might want to change course. If you're not great at thinking through things logically and analyzing your situation, find someone with more skill in and enthusiasm for this area who can help you do this. If you think things are taking way too long, or you just don't have what it takes to reach your goal realistically, you may be right that there's something you're missing. That may not mean you can't fix it, but isolating the problem, where it lives, and how to address it may take some digging. Access to the super-computing power of the mind is one of the benefits of being human, so let's not leave its powers on the table in our decision making!
- Creative. Once you've figured out what the problem seems to be, you need to get out of pure logic and turn on your natural, playful creativity. This can be tough when you're stressed out, so you may need some help here too. You can search the Internet on the topic in question, find a book on how others have solved similar issues, or rope in a friend to troubleshoot how you might bust up your impasse and move forward more productively. The problem might even be that you just forgot to have fun and bring creativity to the daily work you've been doing on your project. That'll kill anyone's enthusiasm over time. Life is supposed to include elements of fun. If your project doesn't have any, you'll feel like something is wrong, when it's just that you need to loosen up a little to make it over the long haul.
- Emotional. That brings us to the emotional side of things, another area where we may have been taught there's nothing important to learn and we should just sweep everything that comes up under the rug! But emotions exist for a reason, and they're an important tool in our toolbox, even if we're not yet sure how to wring the magic out of them. In order to trace the emotional connections to our projects, attention and the openness to decoding hidden meanings is required. Yes, you may have to devote some actual time and attention to this! You may feel like this is a self-indulgent idea, but that's likely because you've never been taught what to do to get helpful results out of such time with your emotions. Tapping/EFT is an incredibly productive tool in helping you to stay calm through the act of creating openness to the emotional realm, and in gaining clarity about what's really going on in your emotional states and why. That clarity doesn't necessarily arise immediately, but it tends to result after you've done some Tapping on exactly how you feel without filters or judgment. Sometimes this is all you and your project need. Once you've blown off some steam and allowed yourself to express what seems true, the clarity starts to arrive, and new perspectives on possible solutions often effortlessly appear. However, you may find that your emotions tell you some truths about what you really want that you've been unwilling to look at. This can help you make new decisions that will serve you better. Sometimes you might even decide to end the project as previously imagined. Sometimes you learn as you go that the realities of reaching your goal are not acceptable to you, not healthy for you, or just not something you're ready for at this time. Accepting this may be the best choice even if it doesn't seem entirely logical to you or others.
- Spiritual. This is the hardest area to quantify, because spiritual experiences often defy explanation. We all have this part of us that is an "x" factor, explain it as you will. Sometimes, you just experience a strong knowingness that something is or isn't true for you, or right for you, or good for you despite how it looks on the surface. Often this part of you speaks in desires and joys that are unique to you. Again, if this isn't an area you feel comfortable with, you can consult others who live more easily in this space and see if anything they have to offer resonates with you. But without taking it into account in some way, you may be missing an important piece of the picture.
Sometimes, when you're hung up with a project, something has changed with circumstances, and you just need to recover from the shock and get more creative. Sometimes, you're tired and frustrated, and you need a break or to bring your sense of fun back into play. Sometimes, what has changed is you, and the truth is that you no longer really want to support the project at all.
Once you have a better sense of all this, the final challenge is accepting the good work you've done on the decision, and finding a way to let go of any worries about what it means about you, the world, and your future potential. This is another area in which Tapping can be a life saver. It can help you work through any resistance to doing what you think is best that arises because of your (or your perception of or anticipation of others') judgment or fears. You have a choice as far as what meaning to assign to the events of your life. When you forget that, you become a victim to every outside influence.
Making truly good decisions, ones you can look back on with satisfaction because you did the best you could with the knowledge that you had at the time, is a process best served by considering numerous areas of inquiry. When you've done this to the best of your abilities and used all the tools you have to make your peace with what you choose, you can get back to putting your energy toward what you really want, and working toward it with renewed resolve and patience. Life involves work, but if it feels like every moment of yours is tiresome, it's time to stop and consider whether new decisions are in order, or whether you're already on the best path and just dealing with the challenges of the journey.
Stalking the Wild Motivation
“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal—a commitment to excellence —that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”
Motivation is a tricky animal. Just the concept of it tends to conjure up feelings of overwhelm, fatigue, and sometimes even shame as we remember the times we've tried to whip ourselves into shape in the name of it; many of us have been taught that motivation means harshness, activating our inner drill sergeant to yell repeatedly at us that life is not yet the way we want it, and we don't measure up, so we better get up and march. We think we need to hold on tight to disappointment, self-recrimination, and the knowledge of just how far we are from our goals—otherwise, we'll be lazy, useless people. Right?
Wrong. This is the best wisdom we've come up with over the course of thousands of years of hierarchical thinking and a habitual, homicidal imbalance between masculine- and feminine-energy processing. While this is not the worst effect of this long-term imbalance (not by a long shot), it is definitely counterproductive. It's not that there's no place for the inner drill sergeant, but over-reliance on it to the exclusion of other approaches to motivation will leave you exhausted and dispirited. It will also feed a vicious cycle in which you think the problem is hopelessly you: You're not good enough, you're not capable, you're just lazy, and on and on.
Most people are actually far more motivated by positive feedback than by blame and negativity. Think about it—during the times in your life when you felt most fired up, energized, and active in the pursuit of a goal, was it because others were constantly berating and insulting you, or was it because things were going pretty well already and you felt a charge of optimism and excitement about a positive vision? If you're like most people, the answer is option two.
Natural motivation bubbles up from a wellspring of creativity and optimistic desire within. If you want to nurture it and foster its long-term health, look to divert anything that will disrupt its otherwise perpetual motion: Memories of past difficulties and the negative beliefs about yourself you've formed as a result; others' careless comments or active sniping at your goals that tempt you into destructive cynicism; bad habits that steal your physical vitality; the overwhelming noise and distraction of a busy world. We've examined all of these in previous blogs, so you can look for clues there as to how to minimize these distractions. Staying motivated is mostly about removing inappropriate influences and feeding your creative energy. This is your new job. Learn to love it and become expert at it.
If you find yourself trying to grit and muscle yourself to greater productivity, take a time-out and ask yourself why you don't want to take on your tasks right now. If you can acknowledge the reasons, you can do something about them. Are you grumpy because you skipped a meal and you need to eat something? Is it because you aren't getting any time to work on the things that actually excite you? Are you low on energy because you're sleep deprived? Are you resenting an interaction with someone that keeps playing in your head and distracting you? Are you afraid of failing? Whatever it is, maybe you can take action on it before you proceed. If not, you can at least start thinking about what changes you can make to help yourself out going forward.
The more you clear away what's in the way of your natural enthusiasm, the more you automatically wake up with a pleasant desire for putting in some work toward what you want to create. Sometimes, you'll need to work on reprioritizing and giving your schedule something of a makeover. Sometimes, all you need is a few minutes of daily Tapping to express built-up emotion and relax your body (or meditation, or journaling, or painting, or prayer, or something else expressive and/or relaxing). We sometimes need to do things we don't enjoy in order to live and keep the lights on, but we always have power over how we're thinking and approaching our tasks. As we make more supportive choices, creativity and motivation can thrive.
The Nefariousness of Boredom
“When people are bored it is primarily with themselves.”
As you work on projects that are important to you over time, sometimes one of the hardest things to do is to resist overthinking things. Once you've determined your overall path and you've gotten down to applying yourself to your next steps, there are phases of a project in which you're working away, but not yet seeing results. Depending on the scope and complexity of your project, these can last quite a while. Since humans tend to prefer instant gratification, staying focused and energized throughout can be a challenge! The mind will tend to kick into high gear at some point and try to convince us that we must be doing something wrong. It shouldn't be taking this long! We should change something up, because this clearly isn't working!
In today's frenetic world, it does seem as though everything happens quickly, and that's what we should expect from the world and from ourselves. And yet, even those who seem to have attained easy success have tales to tell about preparation they've done in the background, usually over the course of many years. The current technological climate wants to convince us that every shiny new toy just pops into being as soon as a good idea is established. We're shown quick and glamorous paths to glory, but again, these are never the whole story. It's easy to measure ourselves against all these flashy examples and decide that there's something wrong with us when nothing is so easy in our day to day. It's easy to become frantic as we feel the passage of time and to decide that we need to pick up the pace, even when there's a well-considered plan in place and it's unfolding accordingly.
Drawing up a realistic plan takes work. Educating yourself on what steps will be needed in order to accomplish new goals and setting out time lines that are challenging, but still possible, takes boldness and vision. Most of us don't do this enough, nor maintain a rhythm of checking in often to adjust and rework that vision. But even if we do, it still takes discipline not to freak out when the process is boring and throw it all out the window. Sometimes it's easier to deal with adversity than it is to deal with boredom—at least with adversity comes a certain amount of drama, which can bring a sense of zest to life even if it's unpleasant. The periods in which the plan requires constant application but little reward can be the most treacherous, the times when our continuance is most precarious.
Since any big project has these periods, we need to find ways not to work up frustration or ennui so thick that it cancels out our momentum. One of my recommendations here may sound a little silly, but it works, so I'll offer it anyway: Be willing to be a little stupid. Refuse to ruminate at length on your state and just keep going, even when it feels like a slog; when you overthink, you'll just annoy yourself and have a tendency to talk yourself out of both good moods and your commitment to the long haul. Try distracting yourself from the boredom with some planned rewards. These don't have to be anything grand or expensive—just playing some inspiring music every day can help buoy your spirits when it feels like you're going nowhere. Planning some time with friends you always have fun with is key. Taking a little time to move your body every day helps bust stress, and I'm not talking about running marathons (unless that's something you love). You might just want to move and groove to some music when you take breaks from your project, because it feels good and gets some healthy blood flow going. Take a walk around the block or to do an errand here and there. Do some light reading or watch a movie to give your mind a break from your efforts. Whatever it is, just keep in mind that when you're working on the more thankless parts of your project, you'll need some extra support to keep yourself going, and plan for it.
No matter what you're working toward in the long term, there will be times when the slowness of your progress will become demoralizing. It happens to the best of us, and it is completely normal to become somewhat annoyed at these times. If you can't seem to enjoy the work you have to do, then find other things to appreciate and enjoy. Usually these dips will automatically correct themselves before too long if you're giving yourself support to get yourself through the difficulty. Know that you're not alone, and remind yourself what's at the end of all this effort, and why you wanted it in the first place. Above all, keep going. When you stretch yourself and refuse to give up, you do eventually get somewhere worth being, and that's what it's all about.
The Accidental Maze of Meaning
“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”
I've written before about the importance of writing down your goals and periodically checking in on them so you can stay focused and adjust appropriately as conditions change. One of the most important reasons for this need is that the mind is constantly busy interpreting the events of your life, choosing meaning to assign to them in an effort to help you make sense of your world an keep yourself safe by learning from your experiences. However, this doesn't happen in a vacuum—it happens through the filters of all the previous choices it has made, both consciously and unconsciously, about the meaning of past events, and the stories it has evolved using all that assigned meaning using the data available to it. The interpretation is assigned so quickly, and beliefs based on it spring up so seamlessly, that we're generally not even aware that any of this is happening. We don't often feel a sense of involvement in the process, or the power to understand and change any of this, unless we're specifically working at being conscious of it. We certainly don't receive much instruction on it in the course of a standard education. And yet, intervening in this process for our own good is not outside the realm of our power, and in my experience, it's one of the most empowering things we can learn to do.
There are various techniques we can use to become more aware of our beliefs, as well as the interpretations from which they spring. Meditation, for instance, is an effective tool for becoming aware of many areas of your experience once you've built some basic proficiency with it, and decided where to point it. Talking to a friend with great listening skills, or a cognitive therapist if you need a professional, can help you to gain perspective on your beliefs. A skilled hypnotherapist can be a great help in this. Even just deciding that you want to become aware of this stuff and giving yourself some quiet time every day to jot down any realizations that come to mind can accomplish a great deal. My personal favorite method for increasing self-awareness is the use of Tapping techniques/EFT. I love it because it's a relatively simple self-help technique you can use anytime, and it facilitates the rise of understanding that would be slower to acquire through other methods; because it is a somatic technique (meaning it involves the body), it facilitates access to connections that techniques led solely by the mind never can.
When we use EFT, the mechanics of how we've assigned meaning to past events can quickly become clear in startling but cathartic ways. I can't tell you how many times I've found myself, or heard clients saying something like, "Now it all makes sense!" Realizations arise is organic ways we cannot plan, ways that are in appropriate timing for the current capacities of the person doing the Tapping. It's rare that in an hour-long session some doesn't include one of these illuminating moments. From here, we can look at the effects of previous choices and whether or not they currently serve us. We can keep the wisdom that resulted from past events, but make new decisions about what they mean, and what is possible, as well as how me will behave, in the future.
It is entirely possible, and sometimes even necessary, to realize or choose new meaning for a past event in order to move forward with your goals. Some beliefs are so foundational that holding them means you will not be able to get "there" from "here" because you believe you can't or that it's not safe to do so. While the conscious and unconscious self-sabotage that results when this is the case is often incredibly frustrating, it happens because the most primitive parts of the self are so strongly focused on self-preservation, and will use all means necessary to help us stay alive and safe. This is a worthy goal, obviously, but sometimes unconscious attempts at achieving it are misguided and rooted in outdated information.
If you are not regularly reviewing the state of your goals and of yourself in relation to them, how will you notice when you're stuck in a rut of past (many times unconscious) decisions about what's true and what's possible? Life is always changing all around us. There are sometimes conditions that seem to refuse, unnaturally, to change for an extended period of time, but how will you know when they finally do if you're not looking? How will you notice and leverage emerging opportunities if you're assuming the present will always be just like the past? (Hint: You won't!) When you do engage in this process, you notice when you keep coming up against barriers to progress in a specific area. With this awareness, the problem solving can begin, and we can keep track of whether our efforts are working as we continue to check in on progress regularly. While none of this is glamorous, nothing gets done in the long term without some version of this process being in use. The more you commit to doing it regularly and on purpose, the faster and more streamlined your progress can be. If you haven't already, write down some goals, and decide how often and when you will review your progress toward them. You may feel like you don't know what you're doing, but that's ok. You learn as you go, and you're not alone. In today's world, there are so many resources available to help you whenever you get stuck, but you have to start by admitting what you want and being willing to take some action and keep adjusting course to get there.
Leading the Charge
“Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.
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Being the one in charge is demanding, and if you are working toward any personal goals at all, this is you! While you get to do things your own way, you also have to be the one driving every aspect of your projects. Unless you're amazing at finding and convincing others to help you out at every turn, you're going to end up doing a bunch of tasks you're not good at and not comfortable doing. You're likely to find some of this painful; working way out past your comfort zone can challenge you at the deepest levels. Even if you have the ability to hire people to help you, you're still going to be the one responsible for your project's results. You'll still be the one who cares most about the outcome. You might not have to do all the tasks required, but you'll have to oversee the work of others, and that opens up a whole new realm of challenges.
If you're someone who is not used to being in charge (i.e., you're not the boss at work and you don't have kids or a successful history with running your own business), moving your goals forward will require you to learn some new operational skills. These may include time management; self-motivation; project planning and management; discipline and persistance (which require a host of mental and emotional management skills); problem solving; and communication skills, among others. Each of these skill areas has the potential to hold you back if you don't have at least a basic level of competency in it. Many people never move forward with important personal goals because they get hung up on these skill sets and don't do what's necessary to learn them. Sometimes this is because of an issue of identity, and unfortunate belief like, "I'm an artist, not a business person," or "I'm just not good at that." In this case, you'll need to do some work on the limiting belief itself, otherwise things will always be hard for you in this area. Sometimes it's just because not enough time and attention has been applied to the area in question. One doesn't learn new things by osmosis unless they're easy.
It's important to realize that while reaching your goal may be a lot of fun, some of the learning process that will make this possible will not be. Just as working out when you're out of shape feels terrible at first, stumbling through your early efforts in other skill building can as well. You might as well know this at the outset, and have coping strategies in place for when you have to attack tasks that make you feel like a hopelessly clumsy oaf. This is tough on the ego, and can be exhausting. You may need recovery time from such efforts, so it's a good idea to schedule short stints working on them in between easier tasks that are more fun for you. Remember that asking for help when you're really stuck is a key discipline. This does not make you weak, it makes you smart. You do not have to know everything. In this information age, that would be impossible, and everyone gets stymied sometimes. It's best not to waste too much time bumping into walls if advice from someone more experienced is available—and as long as you have access to a public library or the Internet, it is!
When you experience resistance or other discomfort as you learn new things, remember that absolutely everyone who has succeeded at anything has gone through something similar. Find friends you can talk to, look for mentors to advise you, and use EFT (Tapping) while you rant and rave and cry if you need to. Admitting to and expressing emotion as you go makes a huge difference. Carrying all of that around under the surface saps your energy, creativity, and confidence.
I wish I could say that once you change a limiting belief, it's just magically smooth sailing after that. It helps a lot to clear out the mental and emotional clutter, but most often, getting where you want to go requires focused effort over time. You'll need to map out a route and take steps often to keep up your gains and your enthusiasm. You'll have to practice more than you'd like to and sweat sometimes as you break new ground. Learning new skills is taxing, but as you practice, momentum builds, and using your fledgling skills gets easier. None of this work is glamorous, but it's necessary if you want to move forward. Pursuing personal goals will help you to feel more alive every day, so continually feeding that charge of excitement is worth it. When you feel like you're struggling, grant yourself appreciation for being willing to work at this, take good care of yourself, and keep moving! Enjoy the process when you can, and when you can't, just keep your mind on your destination.
Can I start Now?
“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything... at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.”
It feels great when life works out such that you get to follow your own best and most natural timing in working toward your goals. That seems to happen roughly never in the real world, though, doesn't it? Most of us have messy lives with lots of competing demands, and people we love, to fit into a limited schedule every day. Timing isn't just about our whims, but also balancing all of these important demands while hopefully staying healthy at the same time. Given the difficulty of juggling everything you have going on, even your most important goals can end up on the back burner. Working toward personal goals can feel like a selfish thing to do in the moment, even if the results of your work will benefit everyone you know. Additionally, it can be particularly hard to carve out the necessary time for your pursuits if you're not confident that you really can create the results you want—and since experience builds confidence, this can be a vicious cycle.
In addition to scheduling difficulties, we also have to deal with the internal results of not following the best personal timing. If your natural timing is constantly interrupted, that can be frustrating. Your enthusiasm can take a lot of hits if, in contrast, you just never quite get yourself on a roll. Some tasks legitimately need uninterrupted, concentrated effort to be completed well. No project ever seems to proceed in a perfectly orderly, gloriously serene manner! There will be unexpected developments and distractions—these may even prove to be beneficial in hindsight. But when they arise, it may seem like you just can't seem to get anything done, and it's not even your fault! In this blog, we'll look at how to deal with timing that feels less than ideal.
In the ideal scenario, if you had all the time in the world, you could organize your day in the way that you most enjoy. You would go to sleep and wake up at the times that feel most natural for you. You would decide each day what you'd like to work on and in what order, and when to take breaks for meals. You would spend just the amount of time you prefer working versus spending time with friends and family. Maybe you're laughing right now and thinking, "As if!" But this is what I'm talking about when I mention ideal timing. Whether we admit it or not, most of us have a fantasy of living life this way, and we long for more of this quality in our lives. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy to move in this direction, but I will say that if you don't know what your ideal day would look like, it's helpful to consider it. Even if you can't rework every day to look more like your ideal, you could add some of your ideal elements some days. Even small steps in the direction of what you long for as far as scheduling choices can help you to feel empowered, energized, and more like yourself. It's not self-indulgent to find what works best for you and try to do it. In fact, doing this will tend to make you happier, more productive, and more pleasant for everyone else to be around.
Since it's not always possible to set up everything the way you'd most like it, a big part of sustaining your momentum is constantly dealing with the stops and starts, and the emotions that come up for you throughout this process. A few simple go-to strategies are in order here. The top idea I recommend, which can really boost your clarity and save the day when you're stuck, is to write out both your goals and your current life priorities, and make sure they stay current over time. I've written before about why it's helpful to be able to refer to your goals on a daily basis, but since your progress toward them must be balanced against your present obligations, you actually need both. Perhaps you have young children or pets; no matter what you're building toward, they still need your care. Maybe you have adult friends and family members who depend on you, or responsibilities in your community that can't just be dropped because they're an important demonstration of your core values, and they feel like part of who you are. If you have a clear statement of these that you can refer to when you're frazzled, you will most likely find it easier to figure out how to proceed.
Prioritizing something over something else that's also important doesn't mean you're abandoning anything, just that you're making a choice to change the order of tasks to make sure the thing you chose gets done first today. Sometimes you'll need to ask for help, or accept that another task will be pushed back a day. Often we have more latitude than we think; the deadlines we assign to things may be arbitrary on further examination, or we may be assuming that someone else won't be on board if we need to move things around. It's worth asking directly. It's also worth learning that it's o.k. to say no to others sometimes and working on increasing your comfort with doing that. You are here to live your life, and contribute what you have to offer that's unique, just as others are. It's easy to get drawn into a bunch of scheduled items that don't have much to do with your life and your priorities. If remembering and acting on this is hard for you, I recommend finding someone who shares some of your important values who will enjoy hearing about your adventures and sharing their own. You can support and learn from each other as you get better at focusing your efforts.
Take just a few minutes to write out your highest values. (Really. Like now, people.) These are qualities you wish to define you. You can clarify some of them by thinking about what behaviors from others drive you nuts! If you can't stand when others are rude and oblivious, then maybe the opposites, consideration for others and generosity, are among your core values. Put your core values in positive terms that can remind you, whenever you need it, what is most important to you and who you want to be. Reading over these should engender enthusiasm and help you refocus each day. When you really hit the mark with these, you will find that thinking about them brings you renewed energy and gets you excited about at least some aspect of your life. Put these somewhere you can easily see them. You can make a note on your bathroom or in your phone, or multiple places. Consult it if you're having trouble figuring out how to prioritize your day.
Keep an eye out for what helps you to want to get tasks done and try to incorporate it. Maybe you're energized by loud music. Maybe silence is what you crave. Maybe you like to take breaks every 20 minutes. Maybe you need to build in social interaction to keep your mood up. The more you learn about how to keep yourself happily engaged, the more you can accomplish while feeling like you're flowing with excellent timing. This is highly personal, so no one can just give you perfect instructions. You need to stay observant and be willing to try thing for yourself. If you keep doing this, you'll end up with a decent instruction manual on how to make progress to your goals with the least friction and the most ease and enjoyment.
It's normal to run up against conflicts between all of the things that are important to you. Caring about more than one thing just proves that you're human. It's a good idea to take stock at least once a week and make sure that your time is really going toward the things you most care about, and I recommend this too, but the small decisions about what to prioritize above what is the work of being alive. It's all a learning process. If you don't like how things went today, then work on changing your choices tomorrow. If you keep taking action toward your goals, you'll make progress, even if you keep getting interrupted, if you keep reminding yourself what's important and let that inspire you today.
Your "Get Up and Go"
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
We all have chores and tasks we avoid until they’re absolutely necessary. These are usually either the ones we’re not good at, or the ones that for whatever reason are just the least fun to tackle. It can be agonizing to try to scrape together the motivation to confront them head on, and I was staring down the barrel of one of these recently, so I thought I’d share a few ideas for handling such things. Here are my suggestions:
· Remind yourself of why you’re going to do this task. How will you and others benefit from the results of it?
· Remember where it fits into the big picture of your larger goals. Will it make other tasks easier, or even make new things possible?
· Imagine having the results now. How will that feel? Will you be relieved? Excited about what comes next? Grateful to yourself for getting it done? Proud of yourself for your achievement and contribution? Euphoric that you don’t have to dread it anymore?
· Here’s a little secret for you: One of the most effective ways to motivate yourself is to learn to enjoy results before you’ve actually created them. This may seem impractical, but it’s actually just the opposite; indulging in this creates happy, enthusiastic feelings that you can use to go about your daily tasks with a better attitude, more enjoyment, and less resistance. It’s an invaluable skill that you will understand better the more you practice it
· Take note of which result, of the ones you imagined, most motivates you. Is it that your task will make things better for someone else? Is it your own future relief that makes you feel the best? Is it having others see and acknowledge your success that excites you? Knowing what tends to motivate you most reliably is truly empowering, because once you know, you can automatically prime yourself for action by imagining how great it will be to have that result whenever it's time to take action
· When you know you’ll be taking on something you resist, promise yourself a reward of some sort, if that helps you. It can be something as simple as allowing yourself some guilt-free time to enjoy what might normally be a guilty pleasure, like an embarrassingly terrible T.V. show. How about a nice long catch-up with a friend who you haven’t found time for lately? Whatever you can look forward to so that you keep your task moving ahead will fit the bill
Re-engaging your sense of purpose regarding your task is a powerful beginning. You deserve to have those happy results, so take a few minutes to connect with what’s important about getting this done. It’s so much more helpful to motivate yourself through anticipation than through attempting to guilt or bully yourself into action. Give it a try and see how it goes. You may have to repeat this a few times in order to really get yourself on board for something really difficult, but making this a daily habit is a good thing. I think you’ll find that the minutes you spend here will buoy your willingness to take on those more dreaded tasks in surprising and enjoyable ways.
A White-Knuckle Ride
“The future is no more uncertain than the present.”
If you want to live a life that feels exciting and fulfilling, it's extremely important to define your goals. I hope you've taken the time to do that so that you have a basic roadmap for the path you want to tread. Once you've done that, you have many decisions to make regarding your preferred pace and methods in working toward them. One of the most difficult things about working on long-term projects often turns out to be the discomfort of becoming someone new, someone who has and can confidently use the skills necessary to achieve your stated goals. It can be equally difficult to communicate the changes in progress to the important people in your life, and to unveil your plans and results to people who may display mixed reactions to them for any number of reasons.
Sometimes the best course of action will be to fly under the radar as you begin to make your initial steps toward your goals. Change can be messy, and you don't necessarily need others poking at you with their opinions about what you're doing in the early stages. Your choice here should have a lot to do with your personality—how much do you like to talk over your daily experience with others? How much support would you like from others as you work? Would you rather not have to deal with the endless advice of others who may have your best interests at heart, but tend to be fearful or don't know much about your subject area?
But eventually, you'll need to come out into the light of day with your projects and be willing to unveil your changes and be seen in order to fully succeed. This process can be scary when you don't yet have it all together, and don't relish the idea of being judged. Knowing that others are watching as you stumble through things you're not yet expert in can leave you feeling pretty vulnerable. And yet, no one ever achieves new things without navigating this situation. You don't have to love it, but the more comfortable you grow with being seen to be imperfect, the more free you'll be to keep moving through all the uncertain moments in your projects—and there will be many!
You can practice gaining comfort with vulnerability by working on your projects and learning new things. (Continually stretching beyond your current abilities and knowledge also keeps you from getting stuck in any ruts and becoming bored. It also keeps your brain working, which is great for its long-term health.) Every time you research your next steps, attempt to move forward through trial and error, or experience an inspiration leading to new possibilities, you acknowledge what you don't know, while at the same time reaffirming that it's ok not to know everything, and you can and will get where you want to go anyway.
Another one of the ways that you can practice being ok with uncertainty is by choosing to be more communicative with others, and this requires no special situation. All of our interactions with others offer fertile ground here, and most of us encounter numerous other people every day. It's rare that anyone can say that they never encounter discomfort in communicating with others; unfortunately, most of us were taught in some way or other that honest communication is dangerous. This may have been through experience, by noticing that our parents vastly preferred it when we were "good little children" who expressed no opinions or desires (they were busy, and raising kids is hard, so it's not hard to understand why our parents sent the message sometimes that silence is golden). Maybe you asked innocent questions of teachers and didn't understand their disapproving reactions. Maybe as a child you communicated without a filter, as kids do, and sometimes hurt friends' feelings without meaning to. Or maybe you learned to avoid communication because you got one too many bombshells dropped on you at some point, and decided that it was better for everyone to keep things to themselves and refrain from rocking the boat. Whatever may have happened to slow down your interest in owning your truth and communicating openly and confidently, when you're an adult, it's incredibly empowering to work on taking back your ability to share what needs to be said in timing that is appropriate for you.
There are many wonderful sources of information about helpful communication techniques that you can learn from, but in order to become competent in using them, you must practice. Because this practice will offer you plenty of awkward and uncomfortable moments no matter how smart you are (because every person and situation is different) it will serve to help you acclimate to that feeling of stumbling through the use of new skills, and finding that the world will not end because your performance wasn't flawless. As you find out what works well for you, you'll also be gaining confidence in your ability to learn and keep going through uncertainty and discomfort—important skills for any kind of success!
Honest communication can be more frightening than skydiving, and working at it can bring up similar amounts of fear and adrenaline depending on your skill level. If the thought of just calmly and openly stating how you feel and what you want makes you feel like you're about to keel over, then start small. You might ask clarifying questions next time you're buying something in a store or ordering food in a restaurant, explaining what you're trying to accomplish or what you prefer. You could try asking people for the time or directions just for the sake of interacting on topics with little importance. Or try asking someone you care about to do something minor that they normally do with you in a slightly different way, because it seems like fun. When you become willing to express opinions about small things, you start becoming more aware of what you want and what you have to say. You also get used to others responding reasonably to minor requests, as most people will, which will build your confidence in considering tackling larger issues.
Next week's blog will continue where we've left off here, and suggest the most helpful principles I've found for communicating well with others. This week, I hope you'll remind yourself that change is often uncomfortable, but it can become less so as you become familiar with the process. So much can be gained when you're willing to keep going even though you don't know everything about how to climb your mountain.
Who Do You Need to Become?
“There are plenty of difficult obstacles in your path. Don’t allow yourself to become one of them.”
We all want opportunities. If you haven't defined goals for yourself, you might not be entirely clear on what the opportunities you'd most enjoy would look like, but I'm sure that there are certain kinds of offers that would delight you if they just showed up at your door. Once you have addressed clarification of the goals that most appeal to you, it makes sense to start cultivating a state of readiness for those perfect opportunities. After all, you can have all the opportunity in the world, but if you don't have the confidence and the skills to accept gracefully and follow through with competence, you're not likely to enjoy the kind of experience you crave.
Let's take a look at one of your goals. If someone offered you a chance at exactly what you want today, you would no doubt be excited. If you close your eyes and imagine this scenario with vividness, though, chances are you'll also come up with some misgivings as well. Those might be something like, "I'm not ready," or "People will find out I'm a fraud," or "What if everyone says I'm terrible at this?" This is a quick way of finding out what holds you back from taking appropriate action to prepare yourself for success, as well as of showing you reasons why you might be likely to sabotage yourself if and when the goal looks like it's getting too close.
Once you've spent a little quality time digging into this exercise, you can now make some choices about how to proceed. For instance, if you thought, "I'm not ready," now it's time to write out all the reasons why you're not. Really indulge here. We want to get all parts of you on board with moving forward toward that goal, so we really want to know all of the objections you're holding into. Who would you need to become physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in order to rock those opportunities you want when they show up? Make this as clear a picture as you can, listing all the positive qualities you need to build in yourself in order to be ready—the opposite of what you currently worry that you are.
Once you have that list of positive qualities, it's time to work on one or two so that you're building your readiness for your ideal future. Sometimes you'll need to find yourself some appropriate education and a way to start building experience in a certain area. Sometimes you'll need help healing the effects of past experiences in some way. In any case, it usually helps to find some other people who can support you as you build your competence and confidence. Maybe you could really use a work partner, who will be working on their own goals and with whom you meet to share process and mutual encouragement. Maybe you just need a few people who can listen to your latest developments and cheer you on. Maybe you need professional consultation in some area. Whatever you decide, make sure that the people you choose to join your support system are positive and genuinely want you to succeed. Even a professional should help you to feel positive about yourself and the progress you're making; if they don't, perhaps they're not the right fit for you. There are also plenty of groups you can join if you're not sure you can find any of these in your current life.
As you work on growing into new, positive qualities, you'll also want to consider this: What are all the reasons why you haven't become that person you want to be, and why you may not be able to? The answer to this is also golden as far as its ability to help you address factors that can trip you up. If you don't address the things that surface in this category, your progress will be much more difficult than it needs to be. The best way I know of to handle these worries and objections is through the use of EFT, which is incredibly effective at addressing mental and emotional resistance to progress. I highly recommend that you learn the basics at least and get comfortable with them. If any of this stuff is really dogging you, consider making a larger investment of time and energy in this work. The payoff can be disproportionately huge.
It may also help you to take inventory of whether you tend to overprepare or underprepare. If you're not sure, ask your friends and coworkers, who will probably have some perspective to offer on this. Either way, you may need to circumvent your tendency when it comes to how to choose when to move on to a new aspect of work. Some people tend to admit their own progress very slowly and cautiously. Others habitually underestimate the preparation they'll need to perform with excellence when the chips are down. Either way, it's a good idea to check in periodically with someone who has expertise in your subject area to help you gauge realistically how you're doing in preparing for your specific goals. This will keep you moving forward at a reasonable rate without rushing past important milestones or getting stuck in endless contemplation of detail.
Because you will always be able to think of new goals as soon as you reach your current ones, this is a process that never ceases unless you want to become stale. Therefore, it's important to find ways to enjoy this constant learning process as well as the euphoria of reaching your goals. You can be both peaceful and content with the blessings you currently have, and fired up about the exciting future you're working toward. I encourage you to keep yourself tuned into the balance of these that you're creating for the most satisfying possible life. What can you appreciate, and what can you learn this week? If you keep doing both, you'll keep making progress, and fueling your enthusiasm and energy so you can keep going, always improving your life and your enjoyment of it.