A Happy Give and Take

“Each day offers us the gift of being a special occasion if we can simply learn that as well as giving, it is blessed to receive with grace and a grateful heart.”

— Sarah Ban Breathnach

Last week I sent you a video on creating a culture of helpfulness. This week, I wanted to write a few words about how to strike a balance between giving and taking. As with many dualities, most people tend to naturally gravitate to one side of the giving/receiving spectrum more than the other. That’s normal and totally fine—we all have our own personalities and mixes of talents and challenges. Some of us find ourselves wanting to give to others all the time, and others of us tend to be more focused on our own goals and finding the help we need to bring them into being. Finding what is, for you, a good balance between the two is an important component in maintaining your relationships, which are a big part of maintaining your overall happiness.

Human beings are inherently social, and have evolved to be part of complex social systems. Throughout most of human history, people who were not willing to be part of a circle of giving and receiving were placing themselves in the dangerous position of not pulling their weight, and becoming superfluous. Someone who was not fully integrated into a tribe or village ran the risk of having to fend for themselves. In a harsh world that was difficult to survive, that was not an enviable position.

Times may be different, but most of us are more fulfilled when we have a strong social support systems made up of some close friends and family members who we can rely on, and to whose lives we can also contribute in meaningful ways. With this in mind, here are a few things to consider as you strive for your appropriate balance:

• Do you tend to be very driven and focused on your projects and goals? If so, you may need to remind yourself to reach out to others, ask what’s going on with them, and remember that giving to others feels great

• Do you tend to give, give, give, but never take much time for yourself? You may need to encourage yourself to carve out some time for things that help you to rest, renew, be inspired, and laugh

• What skills do you have that others tend to remark on and appreciate? Chances are that these are skills you like to use, so when you’re ready to give, maybe those are the ones to offer. If not, you might want to start reminding those in your social circle about the skills you do most like to share

• Are you good at receiving gracefully? Or do you tend to deflect? If you’re not comfortable receiving, you are denying others the satisfaction of contributing to your life as a way of expressing love and appreciation. Remember that you’re part of a circle, and allowing them to give to you is as much an act of love sometimes as giving is

• If you’re not good at receiving, you might want to think about why, and then do some Tapping on what you discover

• The same goes for giving if you don’t tend to enjoy it much. The reasons why may be worth some attention, as you’re leaving your own joy and satisfaction in giving on the table along with the benefits you could be offering to the world by sharing your talents

• Some people are taught that asking for help is weak. This is pretty unfortunate, since it denies you the ability to receive the help that may be all around you, and it denies others the opportunity to help create progress

• On the other hand, some are taught that it’s selfish to ask for anything. Also and unfortunate and unnatural idea!

Where do you fall on this spectrum? I hope this has gotten you thinking about the ways in which you could experience more satisfaction by finding the right balance of giving and receiving for where you are in your life right now. As we head toward the holiday season, it’s a good time to rethink how you’re operating in this area and make a few new decisions if you find that you’ve been out of balance.

Hierarchy or Helpfulness?

“Though force can protect in emergency, only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace.”

— Dwight D. Eisenhower

I bet you’ve noticed that it can be hard to find people in today’s world who seem interested in being helpful. This is, in some ways, remarkable in the context of human history, because until not that long ago, anyone who couldn’t cooperate couldn’t survive. The good of one’s tribe or village had to be a consideration in decision making, because it was extremely difficult to navigate the world alone. In the last several hundred years, advances in technology that were previously unthinkable have changed our living conditions beyond recognition. Those of us in countries with more access to such advances now can have a great deal more ease and independence in our lives, which has given rise to greater expressions of individuality. The prevailing philosophy has shifted to include what has amounted to an obsession with individual achievement.

Now, freeing people to use their creativity and produce the products of their unique visions has produced a lot of brilliant work, and there’s nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, obsession with doing everything individually has, it seems to me, produced a lot of loneliness, anxiety, and limitation for a lot of people too. Not everyone is wired to be a James Bond-style army of one. Humans evolved as social animals, and for most of us, it’s very difficult to feel as much alone as many people now do.

This week I want to share a video about cooperation that I watched this week, because I think it’s interesting and applicable to a lot of situations. It’s targeted to people in the business world, so if your interests don’t run along those lines, just hang in there until about four minutes in, when I think the importance to any group of people kicks in. The thesis is about how a commitment to helpfulness in yourself and those around you can change your ability to get more done, and more quickly. When we stop acting like only the obvious leader of any group has notable value to offer, we become more willing to both be helpful, and leverage the helpfulness of others, which is enormously powerful.

How can you augment the presence of this circle of helpfulness in your life? Think about that this week, and see what you notice about where you could use more of this, and how you might begin to create it. I’ll be writing more on this topic next week!