So Much Happier Blog
Escaping Mental Quicksand
“The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival.”
Have you ever gotten stuck in a negative loop of thoughts and/or actions? Something happens that takes the wind out of your sails, and suddenly you don't want to do anything. You start thinking that it's futile to try, and that thought builds momentum until you feel like you weigh a thousand pounds. Maybe you act out in sabotaging ways. That just makes you feel worse. Etcetera. If you're being honest with yourself, you're aware that we all take detours like this sometimes, and you're no different! The trick is to minimize this kind of distraction so that you can spend more time feeling inspired, and happily chewing through whatever tasks will get you to your goals—including goals for plentiful social and leisure time in which to enjoy your life.
There are two things I want to mention in connection with getting yourself on track when you find yourself in a negative thought loop. First, awareness. In twelve-step programs, we're taught that the first step is admitting we have a problem, but before that's even possible, we have to become aware of the signs and symptoms suggesting that this is true. Generally as you go about your life, the more observant and aware you can become, the better off you are. First, the faster you notice that your thoughts are spiraling downward, the faster you can arrest them and decide what kinds of thoughts and actions would actually help you. Second, the information you gain access to by actively looking for it can help you massively in formulating plans for moving forward. Developing finely tuned awareness may take some practice, because it's a skill many of us aren't taught. Also because we live in a fast-paced world in which we're often trying to tune out the extraneous and focus on what is necessary or preferred, and becoming more aware can be distracting and confusing. It's fine to start slowly and work up to more awareness in ways that feel balanced.
The second thing is education. If you want to move quickly toward your ideal life, become an education junkie. Learn to love it, crave it, and make it a normal part of your daily routine. See a problem that's holding you back? Consult someone who might know about it, or books, podcasts, or the Internet. If you don't immediately find ideas you like, keep looking, and be open to inspiration about a unique solution that might bubble up from the depths of your own subconscious unexpectedly. Once you start on the path to a solution, your mind will work below the surface, sparking your own creativity. You never know what insights may result. This will also tend to help you feel more hopeful, because you're doing something useful that could change your future. Education primes the pump, making new combinations of thoughts possible. It also saves you precious time and energy as you benefit from the triumphs and mistakes of others who have gone before.
To combine the two, let's imagine, for example, that your car is making a strange noise. You might ask a friend who is mechanically inclined what might be causing it (ask someone for help). You might then bring it to a mechanic for a professional diagnosis (hire someone). Once the shop makes a recommendation for service, and offers a price, you might check an online search engine for information about how much any recommended repairs usually run so you can tell whether the price you were given is fair (surf the Internet). Once the repair is completed, you might get a book from the library about how to maintain your car so you have fewer problems in the future (find helpful media). You'll then know what to look for in the future in order to notice what needs to be done to maintain your car (practicing awareness).
All of this contributes to your life experience in ways that will serve you indefinitely, even if it doesn't seem all that fun at the time. As your experience and knowledge grow, so does your confidence, not just with this subject matter, but with the process of learning and solving problems. The ability to notice issues and calmly follow the steps needed to unwind them, when honed, makes you nearly unstoppable. You also become more of a resource for others who may be in need of helpful information in the future, and that can be satisfying in its own way. As you head into this week, think about issues you have that would be helped by turning on your awareness or doing a little research. It can be pretty enjoyable to make progress on an issue that's been irritating you, and you may find that's it's not as hard to do as you thought.
The Upward Path
“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.”
Among the needs that humans have in the esteem category is the need to feel our own capacity, in other words our ability to handle life as its events wash over us. We all long to feel that we are enough. In fact, in my work with clients, I often find that most of us have a deep-seated horror of not being enough that keeps us in a lack mentality, which in turn continually stimulates the body’s stress response. Numerous factors can feed this vicious cycle, including the amped-up messages we receive daily in many modern cultures that no one is ever enough, that we must all be striving to be the best at all things all the time—which of course is a losing battle, because no one person ever could be. In the end, no one else can decide for you that you are enough. You must simply decide yourself that you are. Maslowe identified several ways in which we seek satisfaction in the process of making this decision, some of which we’ve already covered, some of which we address this week, and some of which we’ll look at next week. Since the highest rung on the ladder of capacity that can be achieved through learning and practice is generally known as mastery, that is where we will set our sights today. This is within the reach of most of us, and a worthy goal to strive for.
One can be a master of information, or of practice, or of both. Someone can have expert-level understanding of a subject matter area, yet be unable to produce results in that area. That person is still a master of intellectual knowledge, and that can be incredibly useful if applied in some way or passed on to others who can apply it. Someone else can be a master of doing something with a high degree of excellence, but be unable to explain it, and lack the benefits that come with studying widely on the subject. He may have focused on results only, and sought only the coaching and information that was absolutely necessary to keep moving forward. This too can be extremely useful, as this kind of mastery leaves a trail that others can analyze and duplicate, and again pass on to others. The master who is most revered, though, is often the one who both understands a subject deeply and can demonstrate that knowledge through action and the creation of exceptional outcomes. This person is often widely influential. She is likely to receive feedback from others to that effect, which helps her to feel significant—but that’s next week’s topic! I’m getting ahead of myself.
Thoreau famously claimed, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” and I think most of us know all too well what he was getting at. Many people fail to find ways to live with purpose, verve, and the feelings of self-esteem we’re addressing here. So if we all desire feelings of competence, and building mastery in any area is helpful in producing those feelings, why don’t more of us commit to striving for mastery? Well, how about: Life is not easy, first of all. Second, if we are not stubbornly purposeful about setting a course and continually working to stay on it, it’s so darned easy to be distracted by what others want for us, by the demands of others, by pain, by pleasure, by loud noises, and heck, by shiny objects! You name it, we’re curious about it. And that’s fine. That’s all part of life. But if we don’t allow ourselves to apply our innate abilities to the pursuit of mastery, we miss out on one of the grander adventures it’s possible to have on this planet.
The process of blossoming into mastery is one filled with drama. I remember years ago hearing Marianne Williamson make the distinction between the “cheap drama” that prevails when you’re living a petty, childish, self-absorbed life, and the worthy drama that remains part of your experience when you’ve grown into a more authentic, mature person. (I’m paraphrasing from memory here, so apologies to Ms. Williamson if something is lost in my translation.) I loved this concept, and I think this applies to growing into mastery as well. Truly mastering nearly anything requires treading a long road that includes difficulty and constant effort and change. It includes learning from others who are available to you, even when you know they’re not the best teachers or you don’t love their personalities. It also includes the necessity of eventually throwing off the strictures of what has been done before, just as a teenager must assert personal independence through acts of rebellion (on whatever scale) in order to become an adult. There will be times when you have support and help, and others when you don’t; portions of the road will inevitably be lonely and dark. At times your prospects will seem hopeless as you hit barriers that seem final. You will lose things along the way, which is part of the price of the journey. You will gain many others, including successes and personal strengths that can’t be taken from you. The empowerment that results from reaching the mountaintop at the end of the road is one of life’s peak experiences (another concept originated by Maslowe, by the way—what a guy). If you ask anyone who you consider to be a master of a subject or a skill set, I think you’ll find that his or her story of the path that lead to mastery was full of ups and downs, and expressed the truly meaningful drama inherent in striving for excellence through exhilarating highs and frightening lows.
While some of this may sound pretty good, the hard parts are no joke. Most of us are never taught the skills that make up the strength known as discipline. Most of us are petrified of discomfort, for instance, and are never given strategies for dealing with it in a healthy manner so that we can keep moving toward our mountaintop. Most of us lack basic knowledge about maintaining the health and balance of the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Many of us were never shown the basics of organization, which is necessary for keeping everything together through a long and taxing effort. Many of us were not instructed in the development of focus and techniques on restoring it when it has evaporated. You can expect more on these topics in blogs up ahead. But those who are keenly aware that they are missing essential pieces in these areas will lack the confidence to take on a process that can be as grueling as the effort toward mastery.
For those who do venture out onto the path, and who persevere through all the strangeness they encounter, life becomes far fuller and richer. Whatever they are able to achieve is far more than they had before, and more than those who never try will ever have. Now, I believe all human life has value, and that we need not be on a path toward mastery in order to be worthy. We still have the power to decide for ourselves that we are worthy for any reason or no reason at all, and in fact I recommend it! Doing so tends to immediately make life feel better, and that tends to enliven our energy and creativity, which in my world is pretty much always a good thing. But if we are able, why not try to wring the most juice out of life that we can? Feeling that we are competent, that we have done good things, and that we can do more is a major component of building self-esteem. Why not reach for something grand and see how far we can climb?
It’s worthy of mention that yet higher than mastery is the realm of genius, but that is reached only when mastery is combined with natural talent to yield the astonishing feats of someone at the pinnacle of his or her area of endeavor. Therefore, as you consider what to master, I highly recommend choosing something that ignites your curiosity with the flame of passion. When you love a subject, learning is a joy, even a happy compulsion. It will be a lot easier to keep going if you always have that flame keeping you lit from within. It will also attract others with its brilliance and power, which can open up opportunities as you reach milestones and require new resources. Now, off you go! If you’re not yet on the path to mastery, dig deep for ideas about where you can place your target. The pace and the goal are entirely up to you, and your business only. What mountain do you want to scale? What's a tiny step you can take to begin?
*I was influenced in this post by some of the resources listed here, including a great book called Mastery.