So Much Happier Blog
Getting Free of the Past
“Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.”
In light of the reported suicides of some very famous and successful people this week, it seems more important than ever to get out whatever information I can about what we know about the pursuit of happiness, and how we can be most effective in it. I'd like to remind everyone about the large-scale CDC study on adverse childhood events and their effects on adult health and happiness that you can find information about here. The story behind it is pretty interesting—a scientist was working with a group of people on weight loss, and was flummoxed about why some people would lose an enormous amount of weight in the confines of a scientific study, but drop out before it was over or then gain it all back very quickly after the study's conclusion. As he looked deeper, this led to startling findings about what types of experiences trigger weight gain and loss. The results are some of the most important information about health you'll probably ever read, but I bet most of you have never even heard of this study.
I hope you'll take a look at those links, but in short, traumatic experiences wreak havoc on physical, mental and emotional health. If you're bothering to read this, that may not seem like a revolutionary statement. Yet the medical community still has not acknowledged, in many ways, that major illnesses are influenced by more than genes and mechanistic chemical reactions within the body. The events of our lives have profound effects on our futures, and who we have the opportunity to become. And even the most rich and famous among us often don't reach out for help or can't find all the help that is available to address the things that hold us all back from our inherent potential. What about those with few resources and many competing responsibilities? We can do better than this.
We can all keep an eye out for those around us who may be struggling and help them connect with information that might help, or just lend a sympathetic ear so that no one in our circle feels alone. We can commit to learning about all the options that exist to help us all spring back from the ways in which life happens. We can all work on instituting some sort of a daily practice that helps to preserve our sanity and make us more of a resource to the world around us, even if this is no part of our career responsibilities. In today's world, it's so easy to feel isolated even in a world teeming with people. Whatever else I'm doing, I hope I help others to know that they are not alone, and help is available all around. You know that I'm a huge proponent of EFT (Tapping) in the quest for health and happiness, but it's just one of many, many helpful modalities. We can all find something that can help us through our next steps, whether it's cognitive therapy, traditional systems of health/medicine from all over the world, or modern blends of numerous techniques used together.
Above all this, we need to destigmatize the work of addressing mental and emotional pain. Experiencing pain of any kind is not shameful, and admitting that you could use help with the aftereffects of difficult life experiences is one of the strongest, most courageous things you can do. Not to mention one of the most effective, because as long as you struggle with daily life, you are denying yourself and the world around you the best results of your inherent brilliance unleashed. Let's stop acting like everyone should be able to just suck it up and handle everything that's ever happened to them alone and in silence. Some kinds of life events are overwhelming. This approach is killing us.
We're going to keep talking about how to get happier, but whatever you do, don't go back to sleep. Please engage with your own needs, your own life, and the others around you, and let's work on growing past this fatal ignorance together. When people find out about all the helpful tools that exist, hope returns and the work of reclaiming desperate, frozen aspects of our complete selves can begin. Balance and happiness may take time to build, but what is a better use of our time than learning these life-saving and quality-of-life-saving skills?
How Do I Work This Thing?
“The goal of spiritual practice is full recovery, and the only thing you need to recover from is a fractured sense of self.”
I'm often asked by clients, and those just starting to use EFT/Tapping, how they should Tap at home. You might know that it helps, and want to do more of it, but feel awkward about starting to use it more regularly. (This is normal when we're starting almost anything new—most things feel unnatural until we've logged some hours of practice.) Here's my advice, and I hope you use it to get more out of the time you have to rest and recharge each day.
First of all, a quick disclaimer! Keep in mind that you should never tackle anything that feels too scary or overwhelming without assistance. Trust your judgment and intuition. If you become uncomfortable while Tapping, stop, breathe, and get help. Otherwise, you can't do it "wrong," so just do some when you have free moments, and you'll grow more comfortable with the process.
One of the easiest ways to start is with a simple "tap and rant" approach. When I first started Tapping, I did pretty much only this, and it felt great! The vast majority of us have been taught in so many ways and for so long to hide, disregard, and denigrate our emotions that we're used to shoving them down and doing our best to ignore them. This takes a ton of energy! When you start to let some of that built-up pressure vent using this technique, you'll likely find that it's pretty fun. All you have to do is tap on the points in the sequence for EFT and say whatever comes to mind, like "OMG I can't believe he said that to me! And how dare she behave like that? Who does she think she is? I'm so tired of all this. I just want to go back to bed and stay there for a week. And politicians, don't even get me started," etc. Really let it all out (and you should always do this where you won't be heard--whisper if you have to. You don't want to be editing yourself because someone else might hear you, and you also don't want to be causing stress to your relationships because someone heard something that wasn't meant for their ears when you were just blowing off steam).
There may need to be a lot of complaining mixed into your stream of thought, and that's perfectly fine; in fact, it's necessary to start with a statement of "what is" for you in order to get the best results. Often people are reticent to really indulge this, as it seems so negative, but if you go ahead, how you feel will usually quickly change. You may find surprising bolts of insight occurring to you, seemingly out of nowhere, that help you to change your perspective. But even if Tapping only seems to help a little, I'm always happy to take small gains too! Sometimes a small change is the difference between feeling completely overwhelmed and being able to move ahead with something or other that will create some positive momentum in your day. Baby steps are better than no steps!
Another simple technique is Tapping on body sensations. Say you've had a stressful day and you feel like there's a knot in your stomach. You can just describe the sensation as you Tap on the points, and allow yourself to notice if there's a particular emotion that seems to be associated with the physical sensation. If there is, you can describe that along with the physical feelings. Be as specific as you can, and feel free to throw in your observations of any images, colors, shapes, textures, or sounds that help to describe the feeling. If you observe addition aspects of how you feel that seem separate from the first thing you noticed, you can put those aside for further Tapping after you get relief on the first item. Keep in mind that when we Tap, we enter a space where the subconscious has a chance to speak to us, and not everything that comes up will make sense. Even if what you observe doesn't seem logical, try to go with it and follow where it leads. Sometimes within a few minutes of doing this, the feelings will change, and that's good. Just keep describing what you sense and Tapping, and before long you'll probably feel a lot better.
These two methods are the easiest ones to start with, but they're also just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more to learn! Sometimes these bring you great relief; at others, you may plateau and feel stuck while using them. Usually this happens because there's a deeper issue underlying your current symptoms whose resolution needs a more nuanced approach. Sometimes you're just tired or dehydrated and need to take a break so you can come back to this later with more energy and patience. Resolve to keep practicing and learning, because facility with EFT can bring such transformational power to your life. Check out EmpowermentStrategies.net if you'd like further information.