So Much Happier Blog
How about Some Good News?
“I am in the world feeling my way to light ‘amid the encircling gloom.’”
There are always so many voices trying to tell us that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Some people are addicted to external drama that can prevent them from noticing and dealing with their own back yards. Business interests recognize that fear is a powerful motivator that can increase their profits when it's leveraged to make them seem absolutely necessary. Some people just want to be seen as a savior, someone who has the answers so that others will follow and validate him/her. Whatever the motivations behind them, dealing with all the messages we encounter daily that are filled with bad news can be a real bummer. One of the ways you can regain some of your vitality and enthusiasm is by dialing down or tuning out the volume of those doom-and-gloom messages and finding opportunities to be aware of the ways in which life is good.
Life will always be a mix of dark and light, happy and sad. It's smart to take prudent, practical steps to make ourselves safer and to think ahead about what will be needed in the future, but excessive worrying and stress destroys our happiness. Eventually, it erodes our health too. How about finding a few sources of news stories that make you feel good about your fellow humans and being alive in general? Here's one, for instance, but there are many others. There are also many people out there filling social media feeds with posts that will inspire and energize you. Why not spend a few moments this week searching out a few sources of small joys that you can add to your every day? This week's blog is short. I suggest that you use the extra minutes you might normally have spent reading a longer one to go find some inspiration!
Can I start Now?
“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything... at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.”
It feels great when life works out such that you get to follow your own best and most natural timing in working toward your goals. That seems to happen roughly never in the real world, though, doesn't it? Most of us have messy lives with lots of competing demands, and people we love, to fit into a limited schedule every day. Timing isn't just about our whims, but also balancing all of these important demands while hopefully staying healthy at the same time. Given the difficulty of juggling everything you have going on, even your most important goals can end up on the back burner. Working toward personal goals can feel like a selfish thing to do in the moment, even if the results of your work will benefit everyone you know. Additionally, it can be particularly hard to carve out the necessary time for your pursuits if you're not confident that you really can create the results you want—and since experience builds confidence, this can be a vicious cycle.
In addition to scheduling difficulties, we also have to deal with the internal results of not following the best personal timing. If your natural timing is constantly interrupted, that can be frustrating. Your enthusiasm can take a lot of hits if, in contrast, you just never quite get yourself on a roll. Some tasks legitimately need uninterrupted, concentrated effort to be completed well. No project ever seems to proceed in a perfectly orderly, gloriously serene manner! There will be unexpected developments and distractions—these may even prove to be beneficial in hindsight. But when they arise, it may seem like you just can't seem to get anything done, and it's not even your fault! In this blog, we'll look at how to deal with timing that feels less than ideal.
In the ideal scenario, if you had all the time in the world, you could organize your day in the way that you most enjoy. You would go to sleep and wake up at the times that feel most natural for you. You would decide each day what you'd like to work on and in what order, and when to take breaks for meals. You would spend just the amount of time you prefer working versus spending time with friends and family. Maybe you're laughing right now and thinking, "As if!" But this is what I'm talking about when I mention ideal timing. Whether we admit it or not, most of us have a fantasy of living life this way, and we long for more of this quality in our lives. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy to move in this direction, but I will say that if you don't know what your ideal day would look like, it's helpful to consider it. Even if you can't rework every day to look more like your ideal, you could add some of your ideal elements some days. Even small steps in the direction of what you long for as far as scheduling choices can help you to feel empowered, energized, and more like yourself. It's not self-indulgent to find what works best for you and try to do it. In fact, doing this will tend to make you happier, more productive, and more pleasant for everyone else to be around.
Since it's not always possible to set up everything the way you'd most like it, a big part of sustaining your momentum is constantly dealing with the stops and starts, and the emotions that come up for you throughout this process. A few simple go-to strategies are in order here. The top idea I recommend, which can really boost your clarity and save the day when you're stuck, is to write out both your goals and your current life priorities, and make sure they stay current over time. I've written before about why it's helpful to be able to refer to your goals on a daily basis, but since your progress toward them must be balanced against your present obligations, you actually need both. Perhaps you have young children or pets; no matter what you're building toward, they still need your care. Maybe you have adult friends and family members who depend on you, or responsibilities in your community that can't just be dropped because they're an important demonstration of your core values, and they feel like part of who you are. If you have a clear statement of these that you can refer to when you're frazzled, you will most likely find it easier to figure out how to proceed.
Prioritizing something over something else that's also important doesn't mean you're abandoning anything, just that you're making a choice to change the order of tasks to make sure the thing you chose gets done first today. Sometimes you'll need to ask for help, or accept that another task will be pushed back a day. Often we have more latitude than we think; the deadlines we assign to things may be arbitrary on further examination, or we may be assuming that someone else won't be on board if we need to move things around. It's worth asking directly. It's also worth learning that it's o.k. to say no to others sometimes and working on increasing your comfort with doing that. You are here to live your life, and contribute what you have to offer that's unique, just as others are. It's easy to get drawn into a bunch of scheduled items that don't have much to do with your life and your priorities. If remembering and acting on this is hard for you, I recommend finding someone who shares some of your important values who will enjoy hearing about your adventures and sharing their own. You can support and learn from each other as you get better at focusing your efforts.
Take just a few minutes to write out your highest values. (Really. Like now, people.) These are qualities you wish to define you. You can clarify some of them by thinking about what behaviors from others drive you nuts! If you can't stand when others are rude and oblivious, then maybe the opposites, consideration for others and generosity, are among your core values. Put your core values in positive terms that can remind you, whenever you need it, what is most important to you and who you want to be. Reading over these should engender enthusiasm and help you refocus each day. When you really hit the mark with these, you will find that thinking about them brings you renewed energy and gets you excited about at least some aspect of your life. Put these somewhere you can easily see them. You can make a note on your bathroom or in your phone, or multiple places. Consult it if you're having trouble figuring out how to prioritize your day.
Keep an eye out for what helps you to want to get tasks done and try to incorporate it. Maybe you're energized by loud music. Maybe silence is what you crave. Maybe you like to take breaks every 20 minutes. Maybe you need to build in social interaction to keep your mood up. The more you learn about how to keep yourself happily engaged, the more you can accomplish while feeling like you're flowing with excellent timing. This is highly personal, so no one can just give you perfect instructions. You need to stay observant and be willing to try thing for yourself. If you keep doing this, you'll end up with a decent instruction manual on how to make progress to your goals with the least friction and the most ease and enjoyment.
It's normal to run up against conflicts between all of the things that are important to you. Caring about more than one thing just proves that you're human. It's a good idea to take stock at least once a week and make sure that your time is really going toward the things you most care about, and I recommend this too, but the small decisions about what to prioritize above what is the work of being alive. It's all a learning process. If you don't like how things went today, then work on changing your choices tomorrow. If you keep taking action toward your goals, you'll make progress, even if you keep getting interrupted, if you keep reminding yourself what's important and let that inspire you today.
The Virtues of Lazing Out
“If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.”
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a busy, demanding life. Some have more obligations than others, and just meeting the demands of daily life can take up all one’s time and energy, but it seems like pretty much everyone has a lot to do these days. Maybe this is because even if we’re blessed with leisure time, it’s a small world now that we can see in real time what’s going on oceans away, so we feel called to participate more than ever. Maybe it’s partly peer pressure; if everyone else is running at a breakneck pace, it seems like we should be keeping up. Or maybe it’s just because we have so many options, and trying things, having adventures, is fun. Whatever it is that keeps you busy, you are not a machine. It’s important to find ways to relax and breathe even in the midst of a full daily routine. If you don’t, you’ll burn out, get sick more often, feel less energetic and enthusiastic, and have trouble focusing on being where you are in each moment; your performance and your attitude will spiral downward, and everything will feel more difficult than it needs to.
We’re all familiar with the concept of taking time out of a busy schedule for specifically relaxing activities (or non-activities) like reading for fun, indulging in a hobby, taking a bath, going to the beach, lying around in bed for no reason, getting a massage, finding a beautiful place outside for a picnic, etc. Enjoyable relaxation is good for you in so many ways. It gives your mind a rest, helps your body unwind tension, reassures you that you deserve to feel good, and helps you to reconnect to your best, happiest self. But how often do you actually make time for this kind of thing? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but wishing you were relaxing doesn’t have the same positive effects as actually doing it! Unfortunately, in many cultures, we’re told that wanting downtime, and particularly quiet time by ourselves, is lazy and self-indulgent—even bad, from a spiritual perspective, because when we’re not busy being helpful, we might somehow get ourselves into trouble. If we take these beliefs on, then if we choose to relax, our basic sense of identity, and of our own goodness, may suffer. We’re supposed to measure our success by the volume of what we’ve accomplished, but realistically, we can’t remain productive without renewing ourselves regularly.
It’s also possible, and, I would argue, important, to find ways to bring relaxation into even moments of the highest productivity. I had a teacher in theatre school who used to say that a muscle that is constantly tense is not useful; a muscle needs to be capable of both tensing and relaxing in order to maintain flexibility, which is required for health and proper function. The same principle holds true for our minds and emotions. If there’s always tension in these, we will be less aware, less resourceful, and less able to function at our best. We’ll be more likely to become brittle, which is not useful, rather than remaining creative and able to roll with whatever comes along, which is. In order to avoid becoming stuck in a mire of self-perpetuating stress, we can choose to keep reminding ourselves to bring an attitude of deep calm to everything we do. We can activate an intention to bring a sense of contentment and mental and emotional relaxation with us wherever we go. We can work to manage our thoughts and emotions so that they are not always spinning and grinding away at our inner peace.
I’m not going to pretend that this is easy. Most of us have not been taught how to do it efficiently, nor given the tools we need when we feel like we’ve gotten ourselves backed into a corner. Even when you’ve spent significant time on learning techniques for success in dropping unnecessary tension and remaining present, life will likely continue to challenge you such that this work remains a life-long pursuit. For some ideas on how to maximize your mental and emotional game, you might want to check out previous blogs of mine. That work is essential—and so is building sources of refreshment, relaxation and joy into your life. The human experience is already plenty difficult, and if art and written records throughout recorded history tell us anything, it’s that this is a constant. If you want to feel flexible and truly alive every day, you’ll need to break up that difficulty with steady doses of enjoyment and renewal. You know best what activities leave you with a burst of joy, energy, and enthusiasm about the future. Make sure you find a place for these in your routine to support your best possible life.
Red-Letter Days
“The way to stay inspired and motivated is by doing what you like, doing what you love.”
Sometimes, you just have a naturally amazing day. You wake up feeling rested and enthusiastic, the skies are sunny and blue, you make all the green lights without driving like a maniac, people return your smiles, and you have time to get everything done. Everything seems to hum along easily. It’s so lovely when this happens. But for all the days when it doesn’t, how to stay sane? In a crowded world, we cross paths with so many others, all on their own private missions, all the time. Sometimes there are crashes, whether physical or philosophical. We have to deal with numerous institutions, from governments to schools to businesses, that bring order to our world, but which we didn’t create and may not agree with. There are important people whose happiness we’re trying to contribute to every day. And there are just so many distractions competing for our attention!
I’ve come to think of the happy phenomenon described above as the result of the alignment of numerous factors, some of which are hard or impossible to predict. While you can’t force this experience of ease into being, there are certainly things you can do to make this experience more common. If you’re serious about creating more instances of it, here are some areas to check in on:
· With what foods and liquids are you fueling your body? If your nutrition is not good, and if you’re not properly hydrated, you will start to crumble, both physically and mentally. You can’t be productive if you’re crashing throughout the day because your body is missing essential elements that it needs to function. You need high-quality protein, healthy fats, and lots of fruits and vegetables. You also need more water than you think you do.
· How much sleep are you getting, and is it deep and restful? So many important things are meant to happen when you sleep. If you’re consistently getting less than seven hours per night of high-quality sleep, you’re running on empty. You will have a much harder time with mental focus, and you’re far more likely to be emotionally volatile; your body will feel less coordinated and heavier. Some people need more than seven hours, so if you feel the need to sleep late on days off, try bumping up your sleep time routinely and see how many hours it takes per night before you stop needing that “catch up” time. In addition to sleep, we also need some rest time when we’re not running, doing, or worrying. Hobbies and creative pursuits, reading, time with friends, and other fun, relaxing activities can fall into this category. If you don’t allow yourself any of this kind of time, you’ll have a hard time enjoying your life at all.
· How much exercise are you getting? Moving your physical body both strengthens your fitness and creates happiness chemicals known as endorphins (which can enhance mood for many people just as well as the most powerful pharmaceuticals tailored for this purpose). Exercise has so many benefits for your body and your outlook that it must be considered an essential element in your daily routine. Be smart and check with your medical professional before you make any substantial changes in your health regimen, but do find an activity you can do and work it into your life. Not immediately, but with continued application, you will create more energy than you use this way.
· What gives your life meaning and purpose? Are there things that get you out of bed in the morning because you genuinely want to do them on a deep level? These can be anything really as long as you feel like you’ve chosen to give them an important place in your life and they’re important to you—learning to play an instrument whose sound you’ve always loved, caring for an aging relative, writing a book, climbing a mountain, solving a problem in your community—just something that fires you up when you think about it or makes you feel satisfied when you do it. If you don’t have anything like this drawing you forward, you’re leaving a major source of energy and joy on the table.
· What really inspires you? A particular style of music or a particular composer or recording artist? Movies with heroic themes, well-written novels, beautifully performed theatre, Olympic or other professional sports, the beauty of the natural world, your pet, etc.? When you figure out answers to this, do your best to bring these things into your experience on a regular basis. These things will also create more energy and enthusiasm for you.
· What just annoys the heck out of you? And how can you minimize the impact of these things on your life? Maybe you need to be careful not to spend too much time around the more negative people you know. Maybe you need to wear earplugs when you have to be somewhere really loud. Maybe you can brainstorm about how to spend less time commuting. You get my drift. Sometimes small adjustments can yield a lot of relief.
· What are you doing as a calming daily practice for your mind, emotions and spirit? If you want to have more days when you sail through life with joy and ease, you can’t skip this one, even though it can be hard to carve out the time for it. Find one thing or several things that can occupy this function for you, and prioritize doing one of them every day. Write in a journal, meditate, pray, use EFT/Tapping, spend a few minutes every day thinking about what you’re grateful for, walk mindfully, breathe deeply, or do something else that is calming, relaxing, and that helps you to feel centered and reassured. When you’re attending to your own needs, it’s far easier to be generous and understanding with others.
If some of these suggestions seem annoyingly familiar, as though they’ve come directly from the desk of Captain Obvious, that is most likely because these are some of the most important things we can do as humans to increase the likelihood that we will function well and happily as we go about the business of being alive, and they don’t change over time. When you’re handling these basics, you’re helping yourself to have a far better daily experience, and you’re also far more able to contribute positively to the world around you. It’s a life’s work to become a pro at balancing all this, but you’re probably already good at some of them. Pick one where you know you could do better and start trying new things, and then rinse and repeat!