Exploring the Emotional Jungle

“If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days.”

— Kris Carr

One of the things I've learned about working with emotions is that they exist in a complex, ever-changing ecosystem, and interrelate with many elements of the self and dimensions of one's outer environment. This may seem to be a fairly obvious statement, but I find the degree of complexity of these interactions to be well beyond what most people have had occasion to deeply consider and fully realize. In a culture that tends to sweep emotional experiences under the rug as unimportant and even sometimes shameful, we are not taught how to value the emotional realm and healthfully integrate it into our daily experiences. Beginning to do a better job of this requires that we respect the complexity and the mysterious non-logic that governs emotions, as well as become open to adventures of a new an unfamiliar kind as we learn to effectively navigate this jungle.

In the subconscious, where the vast majority of resistance to change and progress originates, the coin of the realm is emotion; the subconscious speaks in symbol and color, in the way our bodies feel, and in the way our emotions mysteriously interact with all of this. A truth that can be maddening to the logical mind and the ego is that it takes openness to a more feminine-energy process than the analytical mind can comprehend to make progress in these shiftings sands. We're all familiar with the concepts of structured goals and linear processes to get to them, because these are all we've been offered. In fact, we've been so entrained by millennia of masculine-energy, logical-mind-and-discipline glorification that we think to enter the mysterious waters of the subconscious and to let a helpful process evolve organically (which, for some goals, is absolutely the most useful process) is folly, weakness, wishful thinking of the most ridiculous kind. After all, this period of history has given us some excellent understanding about how to use logic and discipline effectively, and there are many great success stories that have resulted from these methods. And yet, when you invest some time in getting to know the vicissitudes of your emotions, you find that there are actually discernible patterns that can guide your journey through them into greater wisdom and effectiveness on a whole different level than can be accomplished only with the accoutrements of the conscious mind.

No matter how much you "understand" where your resistance comes from, as my partner Andrew likes to say, "the mind is not the right tool for every job." You can't "think" yourself out of the physical and emotional effects of trauma, for instance. No amount of pure logic will dislodge entrenched emotional patterns that you learned before you were old enough to notice what was happening. This is what cellular biologist Candice Pert was getting at when she said, "The body is the subconscious mind." Bruce Lipton, another cellular biologist, writes about how the subconscious mind is like a tape recorder. Yelling at the recording won't accomplish anything. If you want to change the recording, you have to overwrite it, and that can happen only at the level of the subconscious mind, which is very much connected to the physical body.

To make things more confusing, though, emotions can be influenced by thoughts, experiences, and words we've encountered at any point in our lives, whether or not they were even ours.  When we're children, we pick up a great deal of our learning through observation, and we don't yet have the awareness and intellect to discard the rubbish that gets thrown into our paths.  The untold number of chemical reactions and communications going on in the physical body at any given moment influence emotion in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, some of which we can influence with factors like food and exercise.  Our emotional habits draw us in certain directions.  What's going on around us, including the macro of world events all the way down to the micro of how those closest to us are feeling, influences us.  How energy is moving through our body's meridians affects emotion.  All of these together form the basis of interactions so complex as to be nearly inscrutable. It can seem as though our emotions behave like wave forms as random as crashing surf on an uneven coastline. 

If you want to master the art of working with your emotions, as with any worthwhile goal, it does take some time and commitment. It also takes familiarity with tools designed for this purpose. There's a lot of great information out there on ideas for accepting and working with this essential part of yourself, and I encourage you to seek methods that appeal to and work well for you, realizing that learning anything complex may require trial and error. For me, the use of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) has been revolutionary because it elegantly incorporates so many essential pieces of the emotional puzzle, surpassing the utility of anything else I know:

• It calms both the body's physical fight/flight/freeze response and the amygdala, the limbic center of the brain (which deals with emotion)
• It helps energy to flow more evenly through the body's energy meridians, which Traditional Chinese Medicine and other systems have recognized as key to the maintenance of human health for thousands of years
• It gives you a strong, calming focus for your mind, acting like a moving meditation with extra benefits
• It facilitates the opening of a conversation with your subconscious mind, allowing game-changing bolts of insight to surface about the origins of your habits/patterns, and your resistance to the changes you want to make in your life
• Overall, it helps you to quiet noise on all levels and get back to feeling a sense of clarity about yourself and your situation, as well as build confidence that you can accomplish the goals you seek

Wherever you are currently on the scale of comfort and facility with your emotions, I hope you find ways to move forward in your exploration, as no one can be whole without greater-than-average skill in this historically neglected area.  If you befriend your emotions and learn to value them for the valuable guidance they can offer you, you actually open up new abilities to blaze trails more quickly and with less resistance and confusion and mess than ever before.  

The Dark Side of Hidden Emotions

“Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.”

— Earl Wilson

I notice as a running theme in my work with clients that we often don't understand the emotional (and even physical) significance and implications of everyday experiences. It often happens that we remember an event, but think little of it when we do, and yet the effects of it ripple out in ways that are mostly invisible. Only when we do some conscious digging do we find the hidden layers that affect the way we function in our lives today. Sometimes, we can experience a revelation in an instant that makes apparent all the far-reaching effects of a memory we thought was just mundane.  For instance, a client recently said that s/he thought of an event as just "a funny little story I tell," when we later found it to be the root of numerous difficulties s/he has been encountering in the pursuit of important goals.  By following where that memory led and allowing ourselves to focus on the underlying discomfort it revealed, powerful significance was unlocked.  As we worked through various aspects of the new information, s/he was able to put the experience into context and release the emotion behind what s/he had decided the experience meant all those years ago.  New enthusiasm and energy powerfully emerged.

Unfortunately for our health and happiness, most of us are taught that when something difficult or even traumatic happens, we should sprint to get back to "normal" as quickly as possible. I think that's partly because previous generations have come to the conclusion, with access to only minimal resources, that trauma is a bummer for everyone and acting like everything is fine, including trying your damndest to laugh these things off, is better. Why "dwell" on what's difficult? What good does that do you?  If you don't know what to do to make something better, it kind of makes sense to just move on and pretend it didn't happen.  The problem, somewhat obviously, is that ignoring and denying an issue doesn't solve it. In the case of traumas, their effects actually tend to compound and amplify over time. And to make matters even trickier, something that seems like nothing at all to one person can be felt as a life-shaking trauma to another, which is yet another reason why traumas often go unnoticed on a conscious level. Someone who is told that the reason for their suffering isn't "real" may avoid admitting their struggles for fear of being labeled crazy, and even hide any dissonance from their own conscious awareness.

Fortunately for our futures, we now have better technology for processing old emotion and releasing it in ways that don't retraumatize people. When this is accomplished skillfully, huge stores of energy can be freed up for current and future use. It takes a lot of energy to suppress traumatic memories and keep those pivotal moments stuck in time, encased in the body so that they don't immobilize us. When all that effort and energy is no longer needed for the lockdown, life can, quite suddenly, feel dramatically different such that the change is surprising in its scope and more liberating than one might have thought possible. I've experienced this process and the joyful, cathartic effect of freeing up stuck energy over and over in my own personal work with EFT, and in my work with clients. It's pretty amazing what happens when you do this work consistently. Take it from me that you can be much happier than you think when you learn to shed the collected detritus of a life lived over decades on planet Earth, which inevitably includes numerous difficulties. To me, happiness is worth doing some consistent work! If I can affect my own level of happiness through an enlightening and enjoyable process, to me that's real empowerment. That's what I want to make possible for everyone I come into contact with, and I very much hope these blogs help you to move in that direction.  A lot of people find December to be a very busy month, but as you envision the year ahead, I recommend finding a place for a practice of working with your emotions constructively.  There are other ways, but you know I'm going to recommend using EFT, so I might as well get to it!  I've never encountered anything else that works as quickly, as thoroughly, and can be accessed as efficiently as a self-help technique.  Set aside a few minutes a day to use it, and I think you'll quickly come to appreciate its brilliance.

No Part of You Left Behind

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”

— Tori Amos

There's a great deal of scientific evidence showing that unhappy emotions like anger and grief block healthy bodily functions, whereas emotions like joy, love, and gratitude enhance health and healing. In addition, rather obviously, feeling good is more fun than feeling bad, as well as more energizing and more enjoyable for others to be around. And yet, though most of us would rather feel great much more of the time, being happier isn't just about deciding to be. It's true that we can do quit a bit by intending to and choosing to focus on happiness with the conscious mind. But if you've been through traumas that your body and your subconscious are holding onto, releasing them is not about willpower—the conscious mind is the wrong tool for this job. What's required is a safe way to process the trauma that involves the body, emotions, mind, and spirit all at once. This is why I'm a passionate proponent of EFT, which is a superhero of a toolbox that is made precisely for this jobs well as for the processing of less difficult, but still not ideal, emotions.  Through using it, we can take back our power to let go of the old and outdated and live squarely and freely in the moment. 

Now let's get back to the subject of feeling good. With the power of the conscious mind, you can absolutely choose to spend time every day, even just in odd moments like while you're sitting in traffic or in line at the grocery store, consciously bringing to mind happy, fulfilling experiences you've had and making an effort to feel joy and gratitude for these experiences. By the way, these don't have to be grandiose, world-transforming memories, just those of times when you enjoyed something beautiful or the company of someone you like. We often spend a lot of time obsessing over what we want to change and fix in our lives; why not balance this out with thoughts of happiness and zest for the good things in life? Doing this for even a couple of minutes a day will give you a physical boost of happiness chemistry that can color your whole day with good mojo. It also builds better mental habits so that over time the balance of your thoughts will start to skew more positively, and you'll start to get out of vicious circles and into more productive ones.  Habit is powerful, and when a habit is enjoyable, it's easier to solidify it.  Just be sure to go about this exercise with a relaxed attitude and focus on the enjoyment of your happy memories.  You're not looking to force anything, just have a good time and appreciate the good times you've had in your life.

Now, while the mind is powerful, I want to point out that this kind mental focus won't work as well if you're not clearing out old traumas, because you'll find that it's hard to concentrate on what's good in the presence of the negative beliefs that arise from those.  It's also easier to do this if you've learned the basics of meditation, and know how to get back to a neutral place in your mind if more difficult memories or current concerns do interrupt your happiness and gratitude practice. And they will! Even the most practiced person alive never achieves lasting perfection. There's a concept in Buddhism that tells us that after achieving enlightenment, which is sometimes referred to as the dropping of burdens, we must eventually pick them up again and keep walking (go on with the business of living)—we should just do our best not to pick up more of them. In this interpretation, even those who achieve enlightenment don't necessarily stay in a beatific state forever, so don't be surprised when you (a normal mortal, I presume) can't manage to keep all your thoughts happy and bright! Still, the more you can clear out the charge of anything in your past that was traumatic, the fewer internal hooks your worries and complaints will have to hang onto.

One definition of trauma that I think is useful is: Anything that causes us to feel that our survival is threatened while we are, at the same time, powerless. Knowing how overactive many people's fight/flight/freeze response is in the modern world because of its constant, overwhelming pace and endless sensory stimulation, plus unreasonable societal expectations, it's easy to see how often we may experience trauma, whether or not we're used to thinking of it this way. Animals in the wild will physically shake off trauma, and researchers now believe that this natural response holds a key to humans' ability to heal as well.  When we can bring the body and its sensations into our healing work, sometimes even shaking as animals do as we let go of traumatic past experiences, we are better able to move forward without lasting effects continuing to limit us.  For more on the nature of and recommendations on healing trauma, you may find Waking the Tiger:  Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine and Ann Frederick to be useful.  Note that anyone who has big trauma in their past should seek the help of a qualified professional before attempting to work with it.  Having appropriate support in this kind of work from both professionals and family and friends is a requirement of creating the safety necessary for success.

I hope you will consider both the importance of using your mind and that of involving your emotions, body, and spirit in your concept of constant self-improvement and in your journey toward greater happiness.  Only in doing so will you find the most complete healing, the greatest reclamation of lost energy, and the most fulfilling empowerment you have sought.  Everyone deserves to live with authenticity and freedom from past difficulties, and I wish you more of those in the week ahead.

When It's All On the Line

“Revelations come when you’re in the thick of it, pitting yourself up against something larger than yourself.”

— Frank Langella

No matter how well you plan, there will be times of high activity as you drive toward a goal. Sometimes that goal might be continuing to do your darndest to raise your child right as s/he goes through a trying phase. Sometimes it will be coordinating numerous pieces of a business project that will make or break your position in your job or seriously impact your bottom line. It might be moving to a new location. Some goals just require that we power through difficulties to some extent because timing is critical. How can we do this without losing our grip and letting everything fall to pieces, including us? Here are my suggestions:

• When you're truly being stretched to the edges of your capacity, it's time to get serious about the fundamentals. You can't power through anything when you're floundering without proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep. These basics are never optional, but least of all when you need to perform at peak productivity and resourcefulness. 
• This is the time to ask for help. This may seem like yet another way in which you're stretching yourself beyond your comfort zone, but if you can challenge yourself to reach over your ego and tap someone else on the shoulder, you'll find a huge source of help and support waiting for you. Maybe you won't find what you were hoping for on the first try, but keep at it. You don't have to do everything alone, and depending on the complexity of your project, sometimes you literally can't. If you want to get more done in life, you need to improve your interpersonal skills and your willingness to partner with others to get where you want to go.
•  If you have forewarning, front-load some routine tasks, or set up a way to outsource them whether through cash or trade. With just a little thought and time invested, you can make sure what's absolutely necessary will be covered even if you can't handle it in the midst of everything else.
• Realize in advance that when your life is in a state of high demand, you may need to make some messes that will get cleaned up later. It's very rare that a highly challenging period will come and go entirely smoothly, and that's normal and ok. By all means do the best you can to keep on top of everything, but don't add unnecessary stress to the cacophony by expecting or trying to insist that everything be perfect. When things calm down again, or once you acclimate to the new pace of things, you can address the results of any minor explosions that occurred en route. 
• Plan to do something relaxing for yourself on the other side of all this heightened activity so you have something to look forward to, and sneak in relaxing moments throughout this time whenever you can. As a teacher of mine used to say, a muscle that's always tense is not useful. You need to stay flexible  in order to get things done, and to do that you need to be able to relax and breathe.

Most of this may seem fairly obvious now, but when we're being challenged in a major way, sometimes we stop thinking because we go into some degree of fight/flight/freeze mode, and it all goes out the window. The more you get used to thinking along these lines, the more this habitual thinking will remain an asset when you find yourself overwhelmed and on auto-pilot. Times when you feel pushed to your limits may be among the most difficult of your life, but if you have a few helpful strategies at the ready, they can also be among the most rewarding.

WhatIfWhatIfWhatIf...

“I’m never sure one is exactly ready. You jump in, with both feet, into a very big fish pond.”

— Julie Andrews

I've noticed in my work that people often stop themselves from moving forward because of a conviction that they don't know what they're doing. Now, I'll be the last one to argue that anyone should dive into unknown waters, where dangers might lurk, in a needlessly clueless state. But often, people who are stuck in this way are incredibly smart, educated, and to all external appearances, fully prepared for success in the areas they're holding themselves back from.  When you're observing someone else in this position, it can be hard to understand the delays and avoidance, because these may seem completely illogical, even silly from your perspective.  Unfortunately, for the person experiencing internal gridlock, the conflict can be intense and very frustrating, because the reasons are very often not conscious.  To get right to the heart of things, the true fear at the bottom of immobility may be the projection of any number of outcomes, such as:

• Fear of failure. As in, "What if I fail? I'll be humiliated publicly. I'll prove naysayers right. I'll lose my shirt.  I'll feel bad about myself. Again."
• Fear of success. "People I care about will be jealous. They will have to adjust to the new me, and will be angry because it won't be comfortable. People will think I'm too big for my britches," (to use an old-school turn of phrase!)
• Fear of not being good enough. "If I let people really see me, they'll realize that I'm a fraud."
• Fear of the point of no return. "If I crash and burn, my reputation will be ruined, and no one will ever trust me again. I'll be so crushed that I'll never have the heart to try again. I'll live out my life in bitterness and obscurity."

Heavy stuff, right? But these are the most common worries that keep us from taking appropriate risks so that we can continue to gain experience, learn, and move (if stumbling) ever forward. If you find yourself in this position in some way, here are some ways to think and act to support your progress:

• If you're going to take on a goal that entails risk, it helps to research the tasks that will be required, ask the more experienced people you can find about what you need to know, consult books and the Internet, consider realistic timelines based on your resources, and work on amassing the knowledge and skills you'll need at your fingertips as you go. Then you need to formulate a plan that organizes your vision into consecutive tasks so that you'll have a map to follow throughout the project. These steps need to become a constant, second nature, if you want to make steady progress
• Acknowledge that you don't have to be perfectly ready in order to start taking action, because that would be impossible. It's ok to work out some things on the fly. No matter what they say, or how experienced they are, everyone does
• It's also ok to allow your plans and timelines to be as flexible as necessary as long as they keep you on track within any hard deadlines that legitimately cannot move. There will always be surprises in the execution of any project.  Berating yourself if things change is not helpful.  Adjusting is
• Finally, consciously remember to apply the habits and tools at your disposal that will help you to stay sane as you stretch yourself—proper nutrition, exercise, appropriate amounts of sleep and downtime so that you won't burn out, social time, EFT for your doubts and worries, and anything else you know helps you recharge your drive and enthusiasm

No one who makes a climb toward a goal knows everything. Neither will you. The trick is to accept that, and equip yourself with the support you'll need to get through challenging times. 

Take a moment to ask yourself whether you're convinced that you're not ready in some part of your life in which you've done a lot of preparation, but are not currently taking action toward what you want. If so, ask yourself why. Is it one of the fears mentioned above that worries you? Something else? Often there will be one feeling or conviction that stands out as very sharp and hard to ignore.  If there is, you might want to get help working with that rather than fighting against it.

Once you're clear on what seems to be holding you back, start mapping out a new plan that will address your concerns, even if it's very general to start with. Remember, you're always going to be learning and fleshing out your plan as you go along, because you can't just magically know in advance everything that will happen once you get started and what the best reactions will be. If you don't know what to do next, consult the best advice you have access to and go from there. If you do nothing, you'll go nowhere—pretty much for sure! Why not put on your shoes and take a few steps? You can always change course, but much revelation only comes to you when you're in motion, having experiences and making connections. Wherever you are, you're good enough and prepared enough to just start.

Clear the Decks!

“In the scope of a happy life, a messy desk or an overstuffed coat closet is a trivial thing, yet I find—and I hear from other people that they agree—that getting rid of clutter gives a disproportionate boost to happiness.”

— Gretchen Rubin

Everyone who wants to learn how to maintain a high level of effectiveness in life must master the basics of organization. If you're not good at this and dread tackling the task of improving these skills, I hear you! It doesn't sound like fun to admit you're kind of a disaster in some ways, and to design systems you'll need to sink constant effort into if you want benefits. The first step in determining whether to focus on this is to admit and accept where you are versus where you'd like to be; if you're totally content with your level of success, well, more power to you! That's fantastic. For the rest of us, the question is, "Are there ways in which I could make more progress if I cleared the decks?"  If your answer is yes, and you want progress, you have your answer.

Imagine for a moment that you had a clean, clutter-free environment in which to do your thing. What if you knew that you were all caught up with communication and any tasks that you owe to others? That would be a great feeling, right? I'm betting you'd feel more free to work on the next steps toward your goals, and a greater sense of enthusiasm. That would serve you well, particularly if you were able to maintain this consistently. So why don't you do what it takes to get here...?  I have a few guesses:

• Overwhelm. You are literally trying to do too much, and you can't do any of it as effectively as you might if you learned to be more realistic with your time. See this article on time management. Challenge: Staying true to your most important values and getting comfortable with saying no to what is not yours to do.  This might sound easy. It's usually not!
• As mentioned, putting kick-a$$ organizational systems in place that you will adhere to over the long term sounds like a drag. Challenge: Make it more palatable by enlisting the help of a friend who loves to organize, or hire a professional to help you get set up with what you need. Remind yourself that life requires maintenance of numerous kinds, and this is one of them. Do you need to eat every day? Pretty much. Do you need to exercise regularly to stay healthy? Yup. Do you need to clear the decks continually as clutter piles up? Yes. Yes you do.
• You're avoiding something that's buried in those disorganized piles, or harsh judgments you might make about yourself along the way if you confronted them—or you're avoiding having the time and space to work on what you really want because of fears connected with your concepts of success and failure. Challenge: Allow yourself to see what your resistance is really about. Then be willing to do the work it will take to reduce it and increase your enthusiasm for the tasks ahead.  

Does creating space for your own successful functioning take effort? Why yes! But if you want to spend your time on what you choose and create results, you need this effort. You want this effort, because you want these results! You can work on this a little at a time. In fact, if you want to go the distance, you'll need to get into the habit of small, but constant, daily efforts. It may seem unsustainable at first to add yet another task to your list, but over time, this is a habit that will create more energy than it burns. As with anything, you gain confidence and efficiency through practice and small victories. When you get good at this, and you're not getting tripped up by so much visual noise and other distractions, you'll be free to build momentum that will be hard to stop—and that's when life gets exciting!

Climbing Your Mountain

“If you sense there must be more, there is more.”

— Alan Cohen

I recently worked with a client who is my new hero. This person had been dealing with a sometimes-crippling fear of flying for decades. S/he had been through numerous ups and downs with air travel, including some humiliating moments in connection with work-related travel and trips by land that took much more effort than they might have because flying wasn't an option.  This fear was, basically, the bane of his/her existence, and there was no clear, logical explanation for it that s/he had ever been able to discern. But recently, s/he decided to go big and book the trip of a lifetime with a new love, and s/he came to me in hopes of getting beyond this old pattern. (Please forgive the pronoun awkwardness, but all my clients have the right to anonymity, and I preserve that here through some generalities.  The client I write about has also approved this message!)

This person had just had enough, I think. And while this approach may not be right for everyone, s/he decided to draw a line in the sand, give him/herself a huge inducement to find a solution, and take a leap of faith toward a whole new set of possibilities. The timing must have seemed right. Something inside this person was whispering that s/he could have more, be more, and s/he listened. The courage s/he displayed in this inspires me. 

So we worked on looking at the situation from various angles, searching for clues and connections. Some of it we still didn't fully "figure out," but through the power of EFT, we were able to greatly improve how s/he felt about flying anyway. I gave him/her some tools to use in case difficulties arose. And you know what?  S/he told me afterward that s/he was able to enjoy it as the trip of a lifetime it was meant to be, and s/he sailed through it with no problem. 

This felt like a huge accomplishment for the client's year, like having scaled a mountain! I was thrilled and honored to be a part of this work—this kind of result is one the most gratifying things about what I do. And none of it would have come about if s/he had not decided to act boldly first and find a way second. There was no plan B here, as s/he could not have traveled to this overseas destination in time any other way. Again, this is not always the right approach for everyone, but it certainly was galvanizing and exciting, and the client was richly rewarded for the risk with the transformation of his/her relationship with travel, which had been fraught with debilitating fear for so long.

If you've been dogged for a long time by a familiar pattern of limitation, could you find a bold, enticing way to try something new? What would motivate you to really take a leap of faith with enough of a chance of success to still be appealing?  You too might want to make sure you have the support of a professional of some sort, depending on the endeavor and the risk; if you're committed to success in an area way outside your comfort zone, it can really make sense to have a mentor, teacher, or coach who is familiar with the ground you're about to cover to guide you across. You might need a supportive friend, or many, to cheer you on.  Even if this kind of choice really isn't your style,  I hope you find this story inspiring evidence of one possible way to go about effecting big, dramatic change through elective challenge. So much is possible for us if we can keep trying new approaches until we find the one that finally sparks the magic we need to boost us to the next level of joy and accomplishment in life.

Oh %&*#!

“We all wish to be brave and strong in the face of disaster. We all wish to be looked up to for our endurance and efforts to help others.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

When it seems like the world is falling apart around you, whether it's events in your personal life or in the world at large that are leading to this impression, what will you do? We all go through periods like this, and while they may never fully make sense to you, even in distant hindsight, we all want to get back to having a sense of balance, purpose and momentum. In my opinion, the worst thing we can do in this situation is retreat from thought and emotion and deny what's happening (except to the extent that we may be in shock and need some time to recover). The best things in life come from using our conscious awareness.

In most cultures, we are not taught to handle discomfort and stay functional while in periods of intense difficulty. We're definitely not taught to be open, even with ourselves, about our emotions, and techniques for handling them artfully. Both of these skills have an important place in dealing with particularly difficult, even tragic times.

I'll be honest, the first skill is not easy to build if you're an empathetic person, and if you are, it may never be your greatest strength. Focusing in on the moment at hand and allowing yourself to think only of what you can do to help yourself and others in this particular situation takes strong intention, concentration, courage, and a willingness to reach deep into your reserves of confidence for belief in your ability to serve yourself and others. This is more difficult to do if you feel deeply for others who are in pain. But working on finding these qualities in yourself makes you massively useful when the going gets tough or even horrible. One of the most important things you can do if you want to grow your capacity in this regard, perhaps counterintuitively, is to meditate regularly. There are many styles of meditation, so if you do some research, hopefully you'll find one that appeals to you. You cannot function well under duress if you don't have access to a quiet place within that feels familiar and clear when you need it most. On the outward, action-oriented side of things, it also helps to challenge yourself regularly to stay calm while outside of your comfort zone. Knowing that you can experience discomfort without sustaining long-term harm is an important foundation for getting through tough times. You gain confidence by proving this to yourself through experience. You also gain faith in your own creativity and resourcefulness as you figure out steps to succeed on the fly when you're not sure what to do.  Even if you fail, at the very least, you'll gain data on how to do better next time. And that is priceless.

Knowing how to be open about your emotions and handle them, the second skill set, is more about picking up the pieces when you've made it through the worst of your challenge, because it's far easier to process emotion in the relative quiet and safety of the "after" picture. If you're dealing with severe trauma, it will be best to work with a professional who can guide you appropriately so that you  can avoid being retraumatized as you work back toward a calmer baseline. If what you have work with is more manageable, you can work through it in small chunks using EFT's numerous techniques and often reach a truly gratifying level of insight and peace. There are many ways you can make progress in processing emotion—this is by no means the only way—but I have found it to be the most empowering because EFT is a self-help set of tools that you can use free of charge whenever you need them. Because EFT brings the body (which stores many aspects of difficult experiences until we find a way to release them) into the equation along with your private store of experiences and impressions, it brings about permanent change in ways that just talking about an experience, or turning it over to a practitioner of some sort, can't do.

As you become more accustomed to the process of admitting how you feel while taking simple steps to tap down the intensity of your stored emotions, you find that suddenly big emotions are not as frightening. Releasing them, and allowing in the perspective changes and resulting healing, starts to feel like a natural and even enjoyable sequence. The feeling of freedom that results in knowing that you can thoroughly let go of old "stuff" and feel lighter, as well as get back the energy it took for the body to hold onto that stuff, is a natural "high." Churning through the backlog of old emotion you've stored over the course of decades takes some doing, but as soon as you experience what it's like to get a taste of this freedom, I think you'll begin to understand its value.

Functioning well no matter how crazy life gets can be a pretty tall order.  Building your ability to do this takes time and effort, true, but it also gives you powerful options for creating the life you want despite what's going on around and inside you.  Using tools that support this goal but don't require you to pretend or ignore your real needs is a revolutionary act, and I highly recommend it!  The best time to lay the foundation for sailing through challenge with the highest degree of functionality, and to repair damage you've sustained afterward, is always when you're not in the thick of it. Start now. As soon as things get hairy, you'll be grateful that you did. 

Oh, Now What?

“To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect.”

— Oscar Wilde

It's important to have a strong vision of where you want your life to go if you want to get something done. Specific goals that can light your way forward are key. But even assuming you have all that, plus good basic habits, in place, what about when "life" happens? When the world lobs critical distractions your way, what do you do? 

For each of us, distractions might look different; something that for one person would barely register as a problem would be a game-changer for someone else. What's universal is that there is, no doubt, something that could derail your best-laid plans—and sometimes something does. The question of how you'll handle it can determine the course of your life...but no pressure! But seriously, knowing that these pivotal moments will occur, often when you least expect them, it's a good idea to think through how to prepare. 

Having a written list of your highest values will help a lot when you're confronted with impediments. Something disruptive has crossed your path, but how much of your attention will you give it? Is it for you, or is it something you will deflect back out of your experience? Is it calling you to hew to your highest values, rise to the occasion, stretch, and grow, even if it halts or slows the momentum of other projects? If so, it may be a valuable opportunity in disguise, and giving it your full attention might be the most appropriate choice. The choice of where to focus your energy at times like this can define your experience of whole chunks of your life, so whatever you decide, make sure you've done it after consideration, and consultation with both others your choice will affect, and people you trust to think through decisions with you.  Be sure to check to see whether your choice is ultimately in line with your values; this will help you to appreciate the life you're living and stay motivated throughout its ups and downs.

When you're at a crossroads, chances are that no decision will leave a beautifully clear and tidy aftermath. That's ok. You're looking for a decision that expresses the best of you and who you wish to become. We can envision an ideal future all we want, but any route we map out to get there will inevitably have to shift. Often, I think, having to reroute gives us the strength of broader experience than our straight, planned path would have afforded. It may even prove to be the catalyst for the manifestation of our own brand of genius. Sometimes the best results come  from a collision of forces interacting in ways we could never have foreseen.

Because change is often challenging and uncomfortable, we may live in dread of disruption. Depending on how much time we spend worrying, this can be a huge waste of energy, and very demoralizing as well. A better use of time and energy would be to use any worries that arise as signposts that point us to the preparation we could be doing, and doing the work of staying calm and healthy; this way, when challenges do show up, we'll be in a better position to meet them with our full reserves of creativity and resourcefulness. We'll know that we are as prepared as we could make ourselves for this important moment. Plus, taking even small actions feels better than being an immobilized ball of worry. Being as healthy as we can feels better than than giving up our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual conditions to circumstance and flailing around in confusion.

Life never really goes as planned. We can fight this principle or accept it and prepare for it as best we can. Which option you choose will change what is possible for you when the chips are down. This week, keep your eyes peeled for how you might begin to shore up worries and other energy drains with small, manageable actions. Remember that even in mitigating risk, you can find things to enjoy. Celebrate what's good about your health and readiness now, and what parts of your life are already beautiful. The present moment is, after all, the only place there is to feel enjoyment and satisfaction. The more you attune yourself to feeling good in each moment, the more you can do this even in the midst of disruption, which will help you emerge more quickly to the other side.

Sniff, Cough, Blech

“‘Tis healthy to be sick sometimes.”

— Henry David Thoreau

No matter how well you take care of yourself, there will be times when you get sick and need to take some time to recover. Modern life is a complex, high-speed high-wire balancing act with a lot of moving parts. Think about it—if you're moving around at all during the day and eating food you haven't produced yourself, then you're constantly coming into contact with various microbes from far-flung locations and all manner of influences that are potentially challenging to your system. Everyone is trying to get our attention for one reason or another, not to mention influence our behavior. We are asked to be more and do more than ever before. We're completely out of touch with natural rhythms because of the 24/7 opportunities technology has produced. We live in a world of high demands and we don't get enough high-quality rest, nutrition, and exercise unless we're really prioritizing our own high functioning. For many reasons, most of us aren't. But even if we are, being human means that sometimes plans go awry.

Which leads me to my main point. Getting sick is not a failing. Sure, it may point out to you some of the ways in which you need to up your game in the arena of your own care and feeding, but it doesn't necessarily mean that everything is out of balance, or that you should have been able to avert this. Our bodies have natural defense systems that respond when they come into contact with invaders, building up immunity to those microbes in the future, but this takes time, and sometimes we experience symptoms until this work is complete. In this case, your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. 

Sometimes, as our bodies balance with the cacophony of daily influences, a clearing out becomes necessary. Perhaps some substance has accrued to unsustainable levels in the body, and needs to be expelled. This is sort of like spring cleaning, and though I'm not a health specialist of any formal kind, from my own observation, I think this happens to all of us sometimes. Our bodies do their very best to maintain health no matter what we put them through, and they use various tools and options to do that.

When you feel under the weather, it's a fine time to consider what you might do better in supporting your health and balance from the outside, as well as how your own stress levels and mental and emotional discord may have gotten out of control. Stress is now widely understood to be a major risk factor in not just immunity to day-to-day threats like the common cold, but also in more serious health conditions across the board.  Look first to the classic trifecta of sleep, exercise, and good nutrition. During times of high demand, you might also want to think about supplementing with herbs such as adaptogens, which help your body to keep returning to balance no matter in which direction you tend to get off track, whether too yin or too yang, "too much" or "too little." It's always best to consult with a professional before trying this, as herbs are powerful, and not generally a one-size-fits-all solution. I'm fortunate to have a close friend who is an accomplished herbalist, but you can probably find someone good locally by checking online reviews for your own and nearby communities. You should also talk to your main health practitioner so that everyone advising you knows what's going on.

To me, it's excellent common sense, now that we know the pervasive corosiveness of stress to our long-term health, to get serious about dealing with it—not just when sick, but on a daily basis.  That's why I suggest having a daily practice that addresses this area of your life. Everyone knows that you can't just exercise one time and feel great forever. I'm telling you that you also need to think about what an "emotional gym membership" would look like. Some people get a lot of mileage out of pure expression—talking things out with friends, writing in a journal, creating artwork in any number of media. While I agree that all of those are wonderful outlets, for me, the practice of regularly using EFT has added an exponentially more powerful dimension to the mix. It allows for faster, more complete processing of thoughts and emotions, and facilitates amazing new understanding of self and others in a way that's easier, more enjoyable, and more natural than anything else I've found. Whatever you find appealing, choose to use it more often and you'll most likely find your ability to relax, renew, and heal improving over time. The goal is not a perfect body (impossible) but one that can bounce back from times of higher demand with some measure of grace. When you support it with what it needs, you make that more possible, more probable, with every helpful action. So what will you do this week to build a better set of resources for your body and your long-term health?

Sustainable Motivation

“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm.”

— Aldous Huxley

There are two basic options you have every time you seek to motivate yourself toward a task or a goal. One acts like Superman's Kryptonite, draining your energy, creativity and sometimes even your will to live, and the other acts like a vast array of brand-new solar panels, powering your progress with no further investment through the inevitable daily dose of the sun's rays. You may now find yourself wondering, if this is true, why in the name all that is good would anyone choose the first option?  That's an excellent question!  In this blog, we'll look at why we do this, and what the two options are in the first place.

The first option, which most people vastly overuse in the quest for motivation, is shame.  I've heard it said that while guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong, shame is the feeling that you are wrong. Did you get the difference? Give a moment to sink in, because this is important. Shame is, frankly, guilt gone too far. If you believe that you just are bad, that doesn't leave you anywhere to go, and if that doesn't drain your will to live, I don't know what would! The purpose of feeling guilt at all is to let you know that you've veered off course, and you have some work to do to get back on track so that you're living within the parameters of your own values. And here's where we get down to the reason why we then flip into shame:  We were taught to.

The application of shame is a very popular tactic for attempting to keep children (and later, adults) in line. If a caretaker implies that a child's behavior is bad and love may be withdrawn because of it, she is likely to be scared into submission.  She is also likely, with limited understanding, to take away the message that she is bad—sometimes that's even the intended message. The point of all this from the adult perspective is to maintain some control, and to teach the child safe and desirable behavior. Parenting is hard, children are energetic and unruly, and sometimes anything that works without obvious harm is the goal.

Adults will use shame tactics on adults for control as well, because they know that subconsciously, many will be intimidated and manipulated by them without even noticing what's happening. Also, these are the tactics they were taught themselves—and these things get passed on generation after generation. You can see this playing out in arenas like politics, advertising, and religion, not to mention family dynamics. We learn, from the way others try to motivate us, how we should try to motivate ourselves. And while I'm no child development or parenting expert, I can tell you that for adults, this approach is a disaster.

I want to move on to a better way, while first acknowledging that though you can do a lot through the power of choice and intention, you may need more than that in order to turn away from the habit of overindulgence in guilt and shame. Many of you know what I'm going to say next! EFT, y'all. Otherwise know as Tapping. It's simple to learn, free to use, and once you're comfortable with it, you can use it to rewrite how you experience old memories and how you process new experiences. Depending on your situation, this may take some work. It may even be appropriate to seek guidance from a mental health professional as you do this work, depending on your situation. But I have not found anything else to be as helpful and empowering across such a range of complaints. That said, now let's move on to greener pastures!

The second way to motivate ourselves is through joy. Does that sound good to you? If not, you may find that you have a lot of programming around this concept that causes you to immediately assume that this is dumb, wouldn't be effective, is the territory of the self-indulgent, etc. If so, that right there will prevent you from fairly considering just how efficient it actually can be, and making some amazing progress. What I find to be  true over and over is that when we find ways to amp up our inspiration around who we are and the path we're on, everything becomes easier and more fun. That, in turn, builds confidence and optimism, not to mention enthusiasm and physical energy, that will carry us through challenges and setbacks when necessary.

So how do we go about connecting to the infinite power source that is joy? You'll find your own tricks and refinements, but the essential part of the endeavor is in acknowledging that you have a unique part to play in life that has to do with many factors, including where you came from, your family, your friends, your natural talents and the skills you've built, as well as your desires and passions. You are valuable. Knowing that you have something special to offer, you then get to decide how you will assemble all of your pieces into a work of art. This should be fun!

• If it's not fun yet, consciously ask yourself all throughout the day how you could make your tasks more fun. You're alive today!  Act like it!  Celebrate it!
• It's also important to celebrate what you want (your vision for your future) as well as what you have right now, and love both as best you can. If you're really loving and appreciating something, anything, you're building reserves of joy
• Lastly, celebrate yourself.  You will always make mistakes and do some things badly, especially if you're learning, growing, and trying new things.  That never means that you are bad.  It means that you're human, and there will always be more to learn
• If others are sending you the message that you're bad, that's about them, not you.  You decide what you will improve about yourself.  It's great to take feedback into account, and others can teach us a great deal, but you are the final arbiter of what's right for you and your timing
• Every day, you need to be spending some time purposely enjoying and honing your vision, and considering your best next steps for getting there. You need to "keep it real," in other words,  allow yourself to think of that future you want as a real thing that's being built right now
• It's also important to train yourself to be awake, alive, and aware in the present moment, because that is where all opportunity will show up. Have you ever noticed that an opportunity is never offered to you in the past or the future? If you're spending too much mental time in either, you're missing out on what's happening and what's possible right now!

Powering your life with joy and inspiration is like hooking up to a renewable energy source that draws you forward. It's the most efficient and sustainable way to boost yourself into the future you want, so think about adding more of it if you want to generate perpetual motivation.

People Are Annoying

“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”

— Tom Lehrer

You know how some days you have a run-in with someone (not homeless or obviously mentally ill) who displays just jaw-dropping rudeness, selfishness, or malice? This can be a shock to the system, and it happens to us all. Even microagressions can pile up in the course of a day so that you go home feeling like you just hate people. I don't think any of us is proud of this, but it's a common enough experience that I suspect you recognize it! This week, I've been thinking about how important it is to actually work at acknowledging that the world we live in is like this, and letting go of the tendency to let our sense of outrage ratchet up and push against it all. Being in a state of outraged resistance is an exhausting distraction that will erode the ability to achieve your own goals.I'm not saying that it's easy to avoid, but you can learn ways to navigate the world that will minimize its negative impact on you.

This gets to the heart of a truth espoused by many ancient schools of thought that seems counterintuitive, which is that in order to be happy and at peace, we need to first accept what is. The very human response to this idea tends to be immediate rebellion, because we think that must mean we have to also accept that "what is" will never change, or we have to somehow approve of something that is downright wrong (or at least drastically not to our liking). Yet neither is true. All it means to accept the present conditions is to step aside from the cyclone of emotion and the physical, chemical responses that stem from falling down the rabbit hole of rage and resistance. The more you can avoid that slide, the more you can stay on solid ground, maintain your equilibrium, and keep access to your greatest skills at your fingertips. If you manage to do that, you can be a part of the solution you seek; if you don't, you miss opportunities left and right to live a life that really fulfills you.

For most of us, the right answer is to learn to acknowledge the chaos that is this planet, vent about it when absolutely needed, and then get back to focusing on what is uniquely ours to do. Now, there could be a few people out there who feel that their purpose is to educate others on how to move through the world with broader understanding and better manners—latent Mother Teresas of the chronically rude (and if you're one of them, that's fantastic. Please let me know and I'll help you get the word out!) But making change happen in this arena would, I fear, require a commitment at about her level of total dedication. Most of us have other purposes. Spending unnecessary time in outrage is draining and will distract us insidiously from projects in which our brilliance would be best harnessed for good.

As you deal with people you don't know, see if you can make it a game to acknowledge that many people WILL be annoying to you—and it's not the end of the world—while you keep ahold of your calm, and even cultivate a sense of amusement at the crazy. You still get to choose how to react, in other words, you get to choose who you will be in the world even in the face of annoyance. I'm sure there are some aspects of the incredible diversity that greets you every day that you appreciate. It makes sense that in order to enjoy that, you might have to put up with a bunch of things you'd rather not have as possibilities.  Endeavor to spend less time and energy worrying about the second group, and practice continually enjoying and refocusing on the first. If something feels like your mission to fix, then go for it, and try to enjoy the process. Do it because it's an expression of you and what you have to give, but not because you're desperately seeking perfection that will last for all time. Such a thing doesn't exist, and that's ok. Life is always change, whether we acknowledge that or not. Trying to create an unassailable legacy that will last through the ages is about fear of death and an out-of-control ego rather than joy and authentic purpose.

Being annoyed won't hurt you (though being chronically stressed out may, so learning to stay calm is a great investment in your health). Remind yourself that annoyance is part of life, and practice avoiding unnecessary, reactionary drama. This is one of those lessons we all have to keep learning, so just stick with it and do the best you can!

The Moment of Truth

“In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.”

— The Dalai Lama

The last installment in this series about changing a negative belief has arrived! This week, we'll look at the role of taking new actions in order to solidify your new beliefs. Notice that this is the last step in the process I'm recommending, and that is purposeful; you may also note that it bucks the trend of the most commonly spouted advice about feeling fear and resistance and just "powering through it," "walking it off," and acting anyway. While that can be helpful advice when you've already done your internal preparations and are beginning your foray into the realm of the new, taking it on to the exclusion of doing your internal work can be downright dangerous. If you take such a harsh, dismissive view toward the parts of yourself that are not yet on board with your choices, you are likely to treat others with similar harshness and arrogance. In case you haven't noticed, our world doesn't need a whole lot more of these right now. How about a more responsible approach? 

Once you've made progress on your old belief through your mental, emotional, and spiritual attachments to the old, and you're feeling pretty good about what seems possible to you now, it's time to decide on some small actions you can take to affirm all the good work you've done and take steps toward your goals. These should be items you know you can do, even if they challenge you a little. Then, you're going to choose one to do first. Now that you've decided, are you totally comfortable starting it now? Take a moment to imagine that you're about to begin, or even go ahead and pick up the phone or otherwise act like you're going to do it immediately. At this point, you may start to notice resistance, fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts arising. This is actually a good thing, because it clarifies what is likely to trip you up as you work. You can be happier and more productive if you Tap for each of the emotions, sensations, and thought patterns that you've noticed before you really hit those tasks. 

If one of your thoughts was, "I can't do it...I'm just not good at this," that probably brings up a bunch of emotions about times when you think you failed in the past as well as fear in the present.  First, you might Tap for the fear you feel about taking action.  Then, when that's calmer, you might work on past memory that means failure to you, and how you felt about it at the time, as well as how you still feel about it now.  Keep doing this until the idea of taking action now is the first step in a learning process.  When it feels like everything you think of yourself is riding on the outcome of every little task, you won't keep going if something goes wrong.  If, however, you can get to an understanding that even something that seems like a disaster need not stop you indefinitely because it's just another opportunity for learning, then you will be very hard to keep down.  That's what I want for you, and Tapping can help you to get there naturally so that your new belief seems logical and stable.

When you take the time to work with your reactions rather than trying to stuff them down and discount their value, you build a calmer life for yourself while continuing to learn about what motivates and what stops you from being your best self every day. You may not be able to completely remove all of your discomfort, but you can gain a lot of relief with Tapping, even if the same things continue to come up as you take action toward your goals and you need daily maintenance for a while. Some new patterns take time and practice to stabilize. While change usually takes longer than we want it to, knowing that you have the power to feel better in just a few minutes of Tapping is empowering. The rest is just rinse and repeat! You have all the basics of how to change outmoded beliefs at your disposal. So now that you're unstoppable, what will you do to wield your powers for good? 

The Willingness to Leap

“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”

— Henry Miller

So far we've addressed the mental and emotional areas of changing a negative belief.  The next step in the process of changing a belief that I'd like to share is in the spiritual category. Sometimes when you've followed the steps I've outlined in the previous two weeks on addressing the mental and emotional realities underlying your belief, despite all your best efforts, there's a level at which you'll still plateau and feel stuck. I've found through my own experiences with myself and with clients that bringing whatever spiritual beliefs resonate with you into the process can significantly help in dissolving blocks. Specifically, I often find that asking something that feels larger than your own awareness for help can really pave the way for more rapid progress.

It seems to me that what's happening when we allow ourselves to ask for help on a spiritual level is that we are allowing the possibility of benign change that we don't need to control or immediately understand. Being in a state of openness can create a new kind of space in which  synergistic progress becomes more likely. If you have a concept of God or other helpful unseen forces that works for you, Tapping while calling upon it can really get things moving. If you're an agnostic or atheist, try asking all the best, smartest parts of you to work together and help you to find new ways forward. Once you express this willingness to be assisted, you may find that whatever blocks have remained start to diminish without your having to do much of anything, and inspiration may strike. Sometimes all you'll feel is increased relaxation, but later, new, helpful ideas will come to you that will show you your next steps. 

If you want to try this approach, remember that it's not mental or emotional. It requires only that you relax, breathe, and ask for help in whatever way seems natural for you as you Tap. If nothing seems to be happening as you try this, just calmly reiterate your request as you tap  every point and focus on staying in that place of openness. If you do a few rounds this way and don't notice any change, feel free to keep going. You might also find that it feels great to then do a round or two of Tapping while affirming the most positive thing you can say about yourself, such as, "I'm continuing to do good work here, trying new things and sticking with this. I honor myself for my willingness to do what I can to progress." Even if you don't notice much of a difference, keep in mind that sometimes the effects of EFT are delayed—don't worry, and try to just stay in that state of willingness to receive help as you go about your daily routines. Sometimes people note that they thought Tapping didn't work, but then noticed, days later, that all of a sudden everything had changed.  Frankly, staying in a relaxed, neutral state is a great thing to practice no matter what you're trying to accomplish; it helps to keep your mind and body in the most resourceful state possible, and it helps you to avoid gratuitous drama that would drain your energy and distract you from what's most important to you.

While asking for help may not seem like a sure winner, it can be quite powerful. At some of the times when I have felt the most stuck, this approach has helped me to get to a new place, even if it took a few days for a new pattern to settle in. It's a great way to start or end an EFT session, so don't forget to give it a try the next time you Tap. You may find that it opens up new perspectives for you in surprising ways.

Below the Surface

“Honestly, sometimes I get really fed up of my subconscious—it’s like it’s got a mind of its own.”

— Alexei Sayle

Now that you're clear about the beliefs you'd like to change, and have done some mental work (see last week's blog if you don't know what I'm talking about), what's the next step...? Now, I recommend working on the emotional side of things. Modern culture heavily emphasizes the mind in problem solving, so that's what many of us think is the alpha and the omega of making progress in anything, but your belief work won't hold if you don't address your emotional realities. These are deeply seated in your psyche and your body, and they will block your progress past a certain point.  The great thing is that with effective tools like hypnosis or EFT, you can reach and work with the subconscious realm of old, ingrained emotions and patterns, which is where these blocks, and the power to create lasting change, reside. 

You can do this work alongside the mental work (affirmations, for example). Ideally, all of your efforts will coordinate with and support each other. Assuming that you wrote out all the reasons you have the undesirable belief you're working on, the next step is to address each reason. There are other ways to do this, but since my favorite method is EFT, we'll be using that as the framework here. Using the same example as last week, if you believe you're too old to get in shape, one of your reasons might be that you think you have bad genes. In that case, you can do some Tapping for "I have bad genes"; this is a good start, but it's general, and the best results in EFT come from getting as specific as you can. Ask yourself:  Why is this reason true, and what makes you sure? Look for your proof in specific events that have happened to you, like someone in your family having a traumatic experience that illustrates this, or someone important to you telling you this with a lot of conviction and emotion at a key moment for you. When you use EFT on these specific experiences, you are dismantling the support for your limiting belief one reason at a time. If you don't take on this work, all the mental work in the world won't usually get you permanent results, because you have these powerful emotional realities hanging on in the world of the subconscious. You may have to work on multiple supporting events in turn in order to start feeling different about each reason, but you may not have to work on everything similar that's ever happened because of the Generalization Effect, in EFT terms. Translation:  To some extent, working on one event in a series tends to bring down the intensity of all of them.

As always, if anything feels too big or too confusing for you to handle alone, get help. There are numerous ways to do this, and so many great resources available to you. If you really want to make progress toward your goals, you will need to break the cycle of avoidance that tempts us all and do at least some of this work. You might as well figure out whether you're more likely to tackle it on your own or with others, and get started. Doing something new will always engender some feelings of awkwardness and discomfort, but in this case, the payoff can make the discomfort you endure worth every second in the long term.

I do want to be realistic and tell you that the process of working through all the reasons that support your belief can take some time. Depending on how much time and energy you devote to this, you will move forward if you use EFT faithfully, but you may not see instant results. Try not to quit before you see any. Sometimes you just need to keep at it. How much work will be needed varies widely from person to person and from subject to subject for each person. I also want to mention that sometimes, we hold onto a limiting belief because we get overwhelmed when we consider moving forward without it, and we use the belief as a shield against change. You may be frustrated by your difficulty with making progress in the past, but keep in mind that this behavior is designed to protect us. Humans evolved to be highly risk averse out of self-preservation, one of the strongest drives there is. Sure, you can try to fight this if you want, but you'll make yourself miserable and waste a lot of energy if you go that route. You can't discipline or shame yourself into confidence—I find that partnering up with the side of you that's afraid and trying to keep you alive (even if that's an overreaction) is the smarter and simpler way to go. Often you'll learn something new about what's been motivating you underneath the surface of things when you allow yourself to be open to it. Try asking yourself, "What's the worst thing that could happen if I no longer had this belief?" Once you have an answer, or several, treat each one as its own separate reason using the process outlined above.

This is the basics of working on the emotional glue that keeps old, outdated beliefs in place. If you don't have a good grasp on how to do the Tapping, review that before you attempt it, and always use common sense, pay attention to the signs your body is giving you, and don't overdo it. Otherwise, give  it a try and see how including emotional work can help your beliefs to quickly evolve in the most positive way!