So Much Happier Blog
After a Fall
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
For the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about failure, so this week I wanted to talk about what happens afterward. As we’ve discussed, many of us have been taught to see failure as something to avoid at all costs, something that is dangerous, humiliating, and unacceptable; we think that if we fail, that means something about us and whether we’re good enough. Sensing that we have failed in any way may send us into a tailspin of emotions and self-recrimination that puts us off track for weeks, months, or even years. If we can find ways to overwrite some of our destructive programming about “failure,” we can shorten the path to more of what we really want to experience, and keep ourselves from feeling so much pain when it could be much less disruptive.
It’s natural to feel a rush of multiple emotions when life doesn’t go our way. There’s nothing wrong with that, and in fact, each emotion we feel can alert us to a different layer of the experience that it would be helpful for us to consider. Each one carries its own message about how we can keep learning in order to get closer to success. For instance, if anger is a part of your mix, perhaps you’re thinking that external forces are partly to blame, and with some thought, you might be able to learn a few things about how to dance more gracefully with the outside world next time you tangle with it; it also might indicate that you’re blaming yourself for doing something that you now see was a mistake. If you feel sad, it may be because you’re telling yourself that you can’t come back from this, or it was your last chance. Frustration may indicate that you’re starting to need a new strategy or a vacation to rest and renew before you head back out into the world again. No one likes to analyze their own part in a mess, but doing so can be incredibly revealing. Examining what happened and why is essential to future improvements.
Sometimes a balanced, grounded perspective can be hard to come by when you’re confronting feelings around failure, so enlisting the help of others to interpret your experiences can be a huge help. We all have habits of thought as well as blind spots that we’ll never notice if we don’t include outside perspectives. We all have a tendency to overreact in some areas, and only with clarity and practice can we learn to undo our old patterns. Allowing others to help helps us to find clarity, and helps us to build a support system that we can lean on as we work our way toward mastery.
Throughout the whole process of finding your more balanced perspective, Tapping can be such a relief! When you’re in the throes of that first round of emotion that arises when you perceive a failure, it can relatively quickly calm your reactions so that you can give yourself the space to think it all through with less judgment. As each layer of emotion is revealed, it can help you stay calmer as you work out which parts were yours and which were out of your control, and then dial all the emotional intensity down to workable levels. Once you have a better sense of what you think of the whole thing, it can help you to release any regrets you’re holding onto, and any fears about the future that have arisen as a result of your outcome. Once you’ve uncovered beliefs that are impacting your judgments about yourself and others, it can also help you find the origins of those beliefs in your earlier life and address old events that may be a part of your present-day habits and patterns. Depending on how spectacular your crash, finding peace may take a lot of Tapping, but the time you invest in it is worth it. It really can help you become free from the ill effects of painful circumstances that might otherwise keep dragging you down.
In truth, no one is born an expert at anything. While we all have innate talents, we all must build skills in any given area through practice, trial and error. Screwing up is not necessarily failure—most likely it’s just the unglamorous part of the process of gaining skills you need to progress. If you’re still alive, even the worst failures are not final! The more you can learn to calmly assess what has actually happened when you’re unhappy with results, the more quickly you can find clarity about where you went wrong, how to do damage control to salvage what you can from the wreckage, and start to create new and better opportunities for the next time around. And the lessons from experience tend to teach us far more, and stick with us much more effectively, than those we learn second hand, so you might eventually find that you can come to value your mistakes as well as your successes. Wisdom grows as a result of all of our experience, not just the fun ones!
Dealing with Failure
“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”
One of the things we all spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about is, “Am I good enough?” This is completely normal, but it’s also one of the main producers of angst built into the human condition. The other great worry is, “Do I (and will I) have enough?” Years ago I heard a lecturer mention these two questions as those to which all mental and emotional pain will reduce. In my work and my wanderings, I have found this to be true. Both questions are absolutely pivotal to the experiences we have and want to have in life, and they are perennial. At no point will we be able to escape these two questions, no matter how good life gets. And one of the concepts that gets right to the heart of that first question is the concept of failure. What is it, how do we define it, and most importantly, how can we avoid it? Please God, let us avoid it.
Instead of learning how to deal most constructively with these worries as we grow and mature, we often find that our greatest influencers, our friends and family members, pile onto them with their own baggage—much of which was inherited from others in their lives. A vast amount of information about (not) being enough and having enough collects in our subconscious minds, and becomes the compass for our life decisions without our even realizing the problem. Which is that others have defined our sense of self and our ideas about our potential, sometimes so thoroughly that we will fight for this vision of ourselves and the world as absolute reality.
Unfortunately, because of their own beliefs about themselves and the world, parents often drill into us that it isn’t safe to fail, and that failure can be one of life’s greatest horrors. Now in some situations, this makes complete sense. Consequences are all about context, and if you live in a time and place where there really is intense scarcity to grapple with on a daily basis, and just surviving requires balancing on a razor’s edge, then this actually makes a lot of sense. We learn about what’s acceptable and good in any given culture through both observation and direct teaching from those around us, and survival requires our absorbing the rules of play. And by the way, much of human history really has been marked by the experience of struggles for survival in a harsh world. However, not all of us are actually having this experience today. If we’re not, the wisdom of behaving as though we are becomes truly questionable. But how do we undo the deep programming we’ve absorbed throughout our lives that can keep us locked into endless, circular existential worry about being enough and having enough?
I guess this week I’ve decided to go for the big questions that underlie the entire personal development sphere! And while I can’t solve all problems in a short blog, I can give you the main branches that I think can define a successful path forward, keeping in mind that these are highly reductionist. In other words, just because the broad outlines can be stated quickly doesn’t mean they are simple and can be done quickly!
The first branch is giving yourself permission. There may be many aspects to getting to this willingness in all the areas of your life, but ultimately, you are the only one who can decide that you should be free to live a happy life that expresses who you truly feel yourself to be.
The second is extending yourself the love and respect that all humans deserve, the acknowledgment that we are all potentially good and perfect at some level, whether you call that soul or inspiration or genius. If you see yourself this way, you have what you need to invest in your joy, your learning, your constant betterment in the ways that you yourself define. In this distraction-clogged world, clarity can’t solve everything, but it’s a fantastic start and a powerful compass as we make our daily decisions.
As you contemplate giving yourself permission, here are a few things to contemplate:
Your parents probably did the best they could with what they had, including their natural abilities and their own built-in baggage, even if the best they managed was pretty terrible
Parents, if conscious and sober, constantly bounce back and forth between their hopes and their worries for you. This can make them seem pretty nuts when you’re small! They want you to be enough and have enough, but they worry that if you stand out too much, your life may be much harder
They themselves were probably taught that most of us don’t have the luxury of failing, because if we do, it will be the end. We’ll be finished, we and our families will die, and all will be lost. Even if they wouldn’t phrase it this starkly, I promise you that these beliefs are in there
Everyone is carrying around So. Much. Baggage. From what has been passed down unconsciously for countless generations throughout human history. I wouldn’t have believed how much until I started Tapping and finding it all starting to stand out to me in startling detail
If they had had better teaching, encouragement, and better opportunities, their lives could have been wholly different. Do you think humans deserve these things? Might you?
So few people have had the luxury of time and enough opportunity to do the inner work necessary to consciously differentiate between what is truly them, and what is the muddiness passed down to them by others. But because of recent centuries of technological innovations, you may be better able to carve this out if you choose
Only you can choose to stand for the best of humanity and do the necessary work to wash off the past and everything that isn’t really yours.
If you decide to give yourself permission in this way, know that this is not something you will do only once. It will need to be a daily decision you make as your life continues to evolve and change. This might seem like a burden, but the sooner you come to accept it, the more you can build this pivotal habit.
Here are some thoughts to get you moving in positive directions as you begin to live a life in which you take your knowledge of who you really are and want to be and put it into action:
If you do assume that you are good and worthy of your own investment, what would you need in order to get beyond the limitations you’ve absorbed from people and from life events? While not everything can be planned in a linear fashion, some analysis of what you need is crucial to finding resources
Specifically, what holds you back from the things you secretly desire?
Where can you find information and other help that would move you through and beyond these impediments? What work will you need to do on the inside?
You may need to address the aftermath of difficult experiences in your life that have shaped your concept of self. Are you willing?
How might you rethink your concept of failure for the modern world and your own endeavors? Is there good that can come out of failure? Seek out autobiographical information about people you admire and find out how they failed before or after they succeeded, and how that changed them. How do others handle failures in ways that become constructive?
How do you personally define failure? Is a mistake failure? Or is failure only a word for something whose value we have not yet been able to see?
Be willing to ask yourself again every day what you need and stay flexible as new answers arise.
Failure can remain one of our greatest fears, or it can become a natural feature of life on Earth that may never be pleasant, but can become a powerful force for our learning and progress, as well as that of others with whom we communicate our experiences. Unfortunately, in order to see it this way, we will need to go up against a massive amount of programming and the constant opinions of others. It can be done, though, and it has the potential to yield untold dividends in freeing you from harmful and unnecessary limitations.
Finding Your Way Home
“Passion is one great force that unleashes creativity, because if you’re passionate about something, then you’re more willing to take risks.”
I’ve been thinking this week about the concept of failure for a number of reasons, for example:
We live in a densely populated world, which makes it harder for everyone to feel that who they are and what they do matters
We are taught that our value lies in what we do and accomplish
We are taught that if we are seen to fail, that means something very bad about our inherent value and our future possibilities
A vast number of people end up immobilized by shame, disappointment, and dread about failing again
Therefore, there is an inestimable amount of human capacity, even genius, that goes to waste every day on this planet that is so badly in need of solutions to ongoing problems
I’ll be writing more about failure in the coming weeks, but this week I found a video that I thought would be worth sharing. It focuses on the importance of building your life around what you are most passionate about, because this is a reliable antidote to confusion about whether we are better than or less good than we “should” be. There are several great things about this video, I think, one of which is the acknowledgement that it can be just as frightening to succeed as it is to fail. I hope you’ll find it interesting, and a good starting point for thinking about your concepts of failure and how they serve you.
The Way, Way Back
“We will be more successful in all our endeavors if we can let go of the habit of running all the time, and take little pauses to relax and re-center ourselves. And we’ll also have a lot more joy in living.”
Last week we looked at how much we tend to avoid how we actually feel at any point in time, how this tends to create a life of stress and panic, and what we can start doing to turn that around. It’s true that learning to notice the signals from our bodies and emotions, and building nuanced language skills to describe them specifically, are building blocks in creating a happier, more peaceful experience. And these skills will serve us well for a lifetime in dealing with what’s happening in our internal worlds. This week, I want to add a dimension to the discussion that makes things more complicated, but also increases our chances of success in getting to that happier place.
Being able to tune into how you feel and work with it is tremendously helpful in empowering you to live a better day-to-day experience. On the other hand, Gary Craig, the founder of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), used to say, “The problem is never the problem.” In other words, the reason we react the way we do to current events in our lives usually goes back much farther than the event we’re dealing with now, usually to old patterns and traumas, sometimes from the very distant past. Being able to do something about those, then, is like finding the map to where all the treasure is buried!
Lucky for us, Tapping has been shown through both extensive use and scientific studies to be effective in dealing with old traumas as well as beliefs that result from patterns of experience. These are two areas in which it is generally most difficult for people to create lasting change. Before I mention some ideas on how to work at this deeper level, please note that big traumas are not generally something you should tackle on your own. Though Tapping can be used as a self-help tool in many cases, if something feels too big or scary for you to confront on your own, then don’t! Get help, and you’ll get faster, more comfortable results, feel supported, and deepen your skills with Tapping as you go.
If you find that you’re Tapping on something that isn’t reducing past a certain point, or that you seem to be working on very similar things over and over, chances are that you need to look to previous events for the foundation of your current problem. Here are some approaches that may help:
When you’re clear on your current issue, and you’ve gotten specific about the associated emotions you’re experiencing and how your body feels in response to those, ask yourself one of these questions:
What does this remind me of?
Who does this remind me of?
When have I felt this specific mix of emotions and sensations before? (If it’s all very familiar, when was the first time you can remember feeling like this, or the worst time?)
What does this seem like a metaphor for (as in, if your neck hurts, what in your life is a pain in the neck?)
In asking these questions, you may find more layers of your issue becoming clear to you. If you do realize new connections, your next step will be to Tap on the original event/cause and all the little pieces of your memory that bother you. These might be sounds, images, smells, words that were said, decisions you made about life as a result, or beliefs you took away from the event, as well as many other aspects. Try working on each aspect of what comes up for you one at a time until how you feel about it plummets in intensity, and when it doesn’t bother you much anymore, move on to the next. By targeting the root causes of your current issues this way with patience and attention to detail, you have a much better chance of feeling better about where you are in the present.
As you go about this kind of work, remember that we all have many, many distressing memories of varying intensity left over from past experiences, so you’re not going to clean them all up in a day! Even if what you’re working on feels thoroughly manageable, don’t go overboard and push yourself to take on too much all at once. We all have at least hundreds of unpleasant recollections that would probably benefit from Tapping. With the time you have, work with whatever seems most appropriate in the moment, celebrate whatever gains you’ve made in how you feel about the past, including any helpful realizations you’ve had, and come back to the rest at a later date. Any progress you can get to is valuable. If you get a sense that you’ve done enough for the day, or that today is not the right time to work on something specific, honor that intuition and make a note to come back to it later. It’s also helpful to keep notes on what you’ve worked on, since it’s easy to forget, and having a record is a way to be able to look back and appreciate yourself for all the good work you’ve done.
The more you address older patterns and root causes of why you feel and react the way you do, the more you’ll find that you can maintain a sense of calm as you go through your life, which will always include daily ups and downs. It’s hard to communicate just how much of a difference doing this kind of work can make over time, but if you give it a try, you’ll quickly start to see what I mean. Having the courage to get real about how you really feel and do something about it can be a challenge at first, but you will also find that as you practice, it becomes a tremendous relief to know that you have the opportunity to bring improvement to your emotional world, and to feel that happening every time you spend a few minutes Tapping.
Living Your Best Life
“To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.”
One of the reasons why sometimes people new to Tapping have trouble getting results is that they have trouble identifying their emotions and noticing what’s going on with their bodies. For numerous reasons, in many cultures, we’re taught to deny the importance of signals from our bodies just as we’re taught that emotions are mostly useless and best ignored; often we’re encouraged to place the value of intellectual learning and displays of mental ability above all else. The body may be seen as just a sensory apparatus and a vehicle for moving the brain around in space. Only athletes are generally exhorted to pay more attention to their bodies because this is necessary to gain competitive advantage. Even then, they’re often told that they should push through pain without considering any more sophisticated methods for understanding an unthinkably complex body-mind system. The upshot is that most of us have no experience with tuning in receptively to what the body might be trying to tell us, particularly when doing so means feeling discomfort. Not only are most of us profoundly uncomfortable with feeling discomfort, but we also may not even have the language to describe physical sensations, because we’ve spent a lifetime running from them. Add in the very common knee-jerk fear reaction so many of us have about what pain might MEAN to us and our lives, and we have a tangled, heavy ball of obstructive habits that can be hard to contend with. It can also prevent our learning to build bridges to understanding our bodies’ signals in ways that only we can, and then taking appropriate action.
If you want to enjoy the best possible experience of life, here are some ideas on how to unwind this unfortunate tangle and free up energy for the creation of more synergy with your body and its innate intelligence:
Consider what an incredible thing your body is, and how much it does for you every day. It allows you to perceive the vast and varied world around you with your senses; it processes all the air and fuel you feed it and turns that into energy; it allows you to think, feel, and move around at will, and it maintains a million delicately balanced processes that allow you to all of this at all times, throughout thousands of changing internal and external conditions both seen and unseen. Do you think, just maybe, it might be possible for it to communicate something of value to you here and there if you were willing to listen?
Last week we looked at a few ways to get started with meditation. One of the reasons why it can be such an advantage to learn to work constructively with your mind rather than just letting it run wild is that when your mind is not always screaming like a banshee, you have some space to notice what’s actually happening—including with your body—at any given moment. Until you can create such space, you are at the mercy of a mind that will always try to distract you from anything it’s not creating, such as the other parts of your self, as well as opportunities being offered to you by others and the world around you
Practice challenging yourself so that you can become more comfortable with remaining calm in the face of discomfort. Just to make things interesting, we live in a world that offers endless distractions from outside of us, in addition to those that our busy minds create. It’s so easy to seek comfort constantly through food, entertainment, other sensory pleasures, and busy-ness of all kinds that many of us convince ourselves that we’re keeping our discomfort at bay. Unfortunately, suppressed thoughts and emotions have a tendency to build pressure until they cause an explosion we can’t ignore. If you become used to the fact that some discomfort won’t kill you, it’s easier to make small choices every day that are better for your life in the long term. You build confidence in your ability to grow and make progress through small challenges, which then lead naturally to larger ones. If you’re afraid to feel anything unpleasant, you’ll probably always stay stuck right where you are. Conversely, a little courage put into action will multiply until you’re hard to stop
Work on handling your fearful reactions to noticing how you actually feel. Feeling, naming, and being willing to work with what’s true for you leads to awesome power, but it takes work to build these skills, and as you do so, you’ll discover a bunch of stuff that it’s not fun for you to look at. This is ok and completely normal! Trust me, everyone experiences stress and panic when faced with the idea of injury, illness, uncomfortable emotions, restrictions, and eventual death, but all of these are a normal part of the human experience, and finding peace with them is both possible and healthy. Too many of us live our lives in an almost-constant state of stress and panic about this, that, or the other thing, and this takes a major toll on our physical and mental resourcefulness, our capacity for enjoying life, and our long-term health. States of high stress can be useful when your life is at immediate risk, but if that’s not the case right now, that stress is killing you. When you have a high-stress reaction to something that is not life-threatening, in other words, an overreaction, it’s time to lovingly dial it down, and I know of no faster, easier, or simpler way to do this than through Tapping. Lots of other tools can help, like deep breathing, exercise/movement, talking or journaling, etc., but as you probably know, Tapping’s my favorite!
With practice, you become more able to patiently and receptively confront what’s going on in your internal world, identify it descriptively, and endure the initial discomfort of doing this until the Tapping begins to bring you relief. If you can’t allow yourself to notice your emotions and how they express themselves through your bodily sensations, you may not be able to get the results (the on-demand relief and clarity) you want, and that’s waiting for you once you create the space for it to emerge.
Showing Your Body Some Love
“To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re on the lookout for ways to improve your daily experience of life. If you could be happier, healthier, more energetic, more successful in your personal projects, that would be worth the effort, right? This week, I want to remind you of just how much leverage you can create by taking good care of your physical body.
I think I just heard some groans, because doing the daily work of paying attention to and cultivating health in the body tend not to be people’s favorite things to do. This is not a glamorous job. It’s also not inherently social, because your body is unique, and decoding its signals takes inward focus and trial and error; others can help and offer you companionship throughout this process, but you’re the only one who can know for sure whether your efforts are succeeding. Moving constantly toward more healthy habits takes dedication, and a willingness to stay observant and flexible, because our bodies’ needs change over time. No matter what your goals are in life, care and feeding for a human body that you’d like to last for a good long time is a lifelong side project that takes up energy you could be putting toward other things—many of which will often seem like a lot more fun!
You’ve probably had the experience of recovering from illness and being a amazed at just how great you feel now that you’re no longer feverish, blowing your nose, coughing, etc. On the other hand, when it’s been a while since you’ve been sick, it’s easy to forget how good your normal feels. There’s so much joy that is open to you if you just take a few moments to notice what feels good about your body in any given moment. There’s actually no need for high contrast in order for you to appreciate what your body does well, and why not allow yourself that pleasure? It feels great to take the time to feel good, even if that’s only a minute or so. In addition, getting a tune-up by doing whatever kind of exercise you enjoy, eating healthier food, or utilizing the services of any of a wide variety of practitioners whose job it is to optimize physical functioning can add enormously to your well being.
I was recently reminded of this when I sought out an accupuncturist to help me with healing from a foot injury, and managing pain while I got through the process. Not only did I get help with my specific issue, but because of the wholistic nature of acupuncture and the skill of this practitioner, I immediately noticed a difference in my overall energy and outlook. When I was feeling better overall, it was SO much easier to feel calm and resourceful, as well as resilient in the face of challenge and disappointment.
Now, you all know that I’m a huge proponent of techniques and habits that each of us can learn and master in order to empower ourselves across a wide range of situations that life can throw at us—that’s why I love Tapping so much. It’s simple, and provides quick, reliable, and noticeable results once you learn to use it. And yet, there is so much help available to us in areas where we can’t just do it all ourselves. Sometimes what you need is a surgeon, and let’s face it, there’s no substitute for that! Or you need someone with specific skills, talents, and an outside perspective to light the way forward for you, and assist with the process of change you’re looking to effect. As with your own efforts, it may take trial and error to find modalities and practitioners who are the right fit for you, but when you do, the gains you make can be truly life changing.
Ignoring your physical health and needs may be easy to do when you’re busy (and most of us are!) but it’s also so much easier to be happy when your body is feeling good and running at high capacity. There will always be tension between conflicting demands on your time and focus. You must decide on where to take your ease and where to invest your time and energy in order to create more. Keep an eye out for ways that you can fine tune your body this week, and you’ll have a greater chance of enjoying your life in every moment.
Where the Mind Can't Go
“You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.”
Lately, without even trying, I seem to be seeing a lot of advice everywhere about using logic to think your way to every solution. I’ve heard people vilify emotions as “not real,” confusing temptations, and distractions that entrap the weak. There’s nothing new about this, because frankly, it’s all most people have ever been taught; what is new (to us in this century, anyway) is the idea that your emotional world actually has a useful purpose in your overall health and wholeness. This used to be more of an accepted common-sense principle, but from the advent of the idea of rigorous scientific thought came the collective decision to generally discount, and even bash, anything that could not be mechanistically explained and proven. In fact, in the last hundred years or so in which quantum physics experimentation has yielded some pretty wild and seemingly inexplicable results, many scientists have ignored or actively resisted this particular kind of scientific rigor because it’s just too challenging to their mechanistic beliefs. Unfortunately for society, so are emotions. So they’ve been painted as ridiculous, useless dead ends. Never mind that they’re key to maintaining overall health, most current science wants to write them off as random products of chemical reactions, all sound and fury signifying nothing. Sigh.
Don’t buy the hype. Yes, mental rigor and the exercise of sound logic can do much to improve our lives. But no, they are absolutely not the right tool for every job. If you think they are, you will allow your mind to spin in overdrive so that you can’t sleep or rest mentally because you’re always trying desperately to be multiple steps ahead of everything. You’ll have a hard time being aware of, and thus taking proper care of, your body. You’ll be almost unable to be “in the moment,” aware of who and what is all around you, able to take advantage of the opportunities available to you in that unique moment before they’re gone. You’ll find yourself feeling bereft of meaning and purpose, spun every which way by your mind’s attempts to explain everything—even that which is mysterious and not inherently linear. If you are dealing with any of the following, you will not be able to “convince” yourself out of your issue:
Heartbreak. We love and lose, whether because it was time for a relationship to end or change, or because someone died and we no longer have them available to us physically. These endings can be one of the hardest things to deal with in a lifetime, and the mind can’t solve the pain of them. We can learn to think more positively about them, but the emotions and desires that come up around them must be dealt with head on if they are not to ruin our life vitality and outlook.
Trauma. Thinking and talking about truly traumatic experiences can help us in some ways, but only somatic (body-based) techniques tend to really lighten the load permanently. Of these, the best I’ve encountered is EFT, because it’s among the most effective, it’s a self-help technique that is within your control to benefit from at any time and in any area that you feel safe confronting on your own, and because it encompasses so many different techniques that can be modified to best fit your situation. Sometimes working with a practitioner is the best thing, but there’s much relief you can create with it yourself.
Ingrained Fears. No amount of rationalizing will unwind major fears. Again, it’s techniques involving the body and the subconscious that seem able to get at where our biggest, most intractable fears reside.
Emotional Habits. While thinking and talking about your long-held patterns can help you to understand where they came from and to feel heard, you may need to find a way to allow an emotional release in order to be able to fully move beyond old patterns and create new ones.
Spiritual or Values-Based Conundrums. Sometimes logic is very helpful in looking at how to resolve conflicts of values, but sometimes they need to be felt through with the heart and in cooperation with the whispers from your spirit. As you contemplate these, the mind will tend to spit out judgmental, final-sounding solutions based on what you’ve learned from others throughout your life. Only when you have the courage to find your own solution, one that expresses your own truth and the messages you have to share with the world, will you find peace in the midst of such contradiction.
Some of the principles that will make your experience of life most meaningful, such as being guided by love, thoughtfulness, compassion, and contributing to the creation of a better world (principles that underlie most religious and moral systems of thought, by the way) are not always logical and linear. They involve truths exhibited by signals you receive from your body, mind, and spirit, and these form a complex web that can reveal what’s most important to you even you’d rather not admit it. Minimizing or fighting the existence of these other parts of self, other than rational thought, is a recipe for unhappiness. If you learn to listen to yourself on all of your natural human levels, you find your way forward to wholistic solutions. You progress in a way that feels authentic and respectful of you as well as of others who might be involved in your process.
Buckle Down or Sound Off?
“The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.”
One of the hardest balances to get right is the one between self-control/discipline and self-expression/creation. Both are powerful and necessary components of a happy, healthy life, but the balance for each person, as well as each moment, will be unique. Finding it requires constant observation, sensitivity, and adjustment as well as trial and error. Much can go wrong here, but harness both forces to your advantage, and everything you want will be within easier reach.
Self-control, the masculine energy-aligned side of this dichotomy, requires us to rein in impulse, breathe, and think twice before taking action. It also requires experiencing self-imposed discomfort in order to create long-term results, even when paying into a goal is the last thing we would prefer to do.
True self-expression, discipline’s opposite, requires the clarity of knowing who we are and what we have to give, and the courage to bring our unique message out into the world through word and action.
A successful, joyful life requires both the ability to build and apply our skills patiently over time, excluding distractions, AND the ability to exemplify our truth without distortion. Yet, how do we know when it’s time to express and create versus when it’s time to be patient, practice, and wait? This is something only you can answer, based on your goals and abilities, frustrating as that may seem. There are guidelines you can follow to assist you in making these decisions, though. Here are some considerations that may help you along the way as you constantly surf this balance:
Have you been procrastinating on something you know needs doing for you to reach your goals? It’s probably time for some discipline. Mark some time out on your calendar at your most productive time of day, get buy-in from anyone whose support you need, and then look for little ways to make your task fun. You don’t have to be all serious about your productive time. Can you play some fun music, take dance breaks, or plan a little celebration when your task is done?
Are you finding yourself bored and demoralized? It’s probably time for some self-expression. Ask yourself what you’d do if you had no time or money limitations, and see what does appeal to you. Maybe that’s just a day off for mental health, a leisurely meetup with friends, or maybe some time for a creative hobby, time outdoors, or a physical activity you enjoy that will get your blood and endorphins pumping. Whatever says “playtime” to you is where you’re headed
If your goals involve making something out of a fun or creative pursuit, you’ll need to make space for your work, and add the discipline to keep doing so, aa well as using that space and time well
If your effort will involve the discipline of long bouts of concentration, you’ll be better able to sustain them over time if you add in moments of self-expression time, like writing in a journal or talking to friends about your successes and challenges, even if these moments are not strictly necessary to your project
These are just a few quick thoughts about diagnosing what’s needed at any given moment, but once you start thinking about this balance, it will be easier to notice when it’s off kilter. As humans, we’re both social and growth oriented. If you ignore either dynamic, you’ll start to feel out of balance, frustrated, or listless. Hopefully this has given you a few ideas about how to break out of any ruts you’ve been finding yourself in so you can analyze your needs and move forward with more clarity and enthusiasm.
For Your Health
“The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical.”
This week I’m keeping it short and sweet, sharing an article about why repressing emotion is not the way to go. Think on this quote from the article: “…a 2013 study by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester showed people who bottled up their emotions increased their chance of premature death from all causes by more than 30%, with their risk of being diagnosed with cancer increasing by 70%.” Yikes! While I believe that practicing and supporting your own happiness is an incredibly important goal, if you’re not setting aside time for it, maybe this insight will spur your interest in actually making time to work on your emotional health. If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you know that I’m a big fan of Tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques, in my case), but there are many helpful ways to address how you feel on a daily basis. Whatever allows you to express what’s true for you and hopefully have some fun in the process, get out there and do it this week! It’s important not just for your happiness, but for your long-term health.
Making Peace with Mistakes
“A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.”
Hate making mistakes? Hard on yourself for every little thing you drop, forget, or struggle with? Well, join the club! Despite the fact that making mistakes is an inevitable part of the human condition, prevailing cultures often tell us in a variety of ways that they are unacceptable (as are we when we make them). Right from when we’re born, we may get yelled at or disciplined by overwhelmed, sleep-deprived parents for crying, which is our only method of communicating at this point. Or for any behavior that’s difficult for the parent to handle, even if it’s totally normal. In school, we may get in trouble for mistakes, as well as any non-conformist behavior. Anyone outside our family may have very different expectations of children, and make nasty comments or give us the stink eye in an attempt to dominate and control us when they see us as unruly. Parents struggling to make ends meet may communicate in many small ways that the stakes are high across the board, and the family can’t afford to make any missteps. Even if adults think their actions reflect valid concerns, and are intended for our own good, we get the message over and over that stepping out of line is a mistake—and making mistakes puts us in danger by removing the good will of those who feed and protect us. This perceived danger can feel terrifyingly real.
The obvious fly in the ointment is that no one can avoid making mistakes—it’s just not possible! Setting up expectations of perfection creates an awful, impossible standard. When we’re too young to think for ourselves, we blindly take on this expectation of ourselves as it’s fed to us. This sets up a poisonous relationship with our self-image that festers in the subconscious, where this tension remains as an invisible, unconsidered habit. The consequences to our happiness and success can be devastating until we are able to consciously see this dichotomy for what it is, and decide to reject it. We then have to do the hard work of unmaking the old habit and forging new ones.
Unfortunately, though, we aren’t likely to get a whole lot of support in this. Most people have been taught patterns of self-shaming, which makes them unsympathetic to anyone who is trying to break free. Considered or not, their reaction may be, “Everyone tries to make me feel bad about myself. Why should you get off scot free? You think you’re so much better than I am?” Some people will try to shame us for their own ends, as a way to grab power and manipulate us. From a practical standpoint, this actually isn’t surprising—it’s one of the most effective tactics out there for those unscrupulous enough to use it deliberately. It’s also what they’ve been taught to do through observation of others. If you want to break the old habit of reflexive self-shaming, you’ll need to be willing to stand up to a firestorm of resistance from yourself and others, all of which may tempt you to think you’re a bad person because you’re not perfect. But you never have been and never will be perfect while you’re alive, because again, this is what it is to be human. “Perfection” is impossible, and while we’re at it, thoroughly subjective! You know, just in case this isn’t all confusing enough.
In the process of working through your tendency to be reflexively, immediately horrified and deeply frightened by making a mistake, you will be confronting a depth of feeling that is uncomfortable to say the least. To get yourself through this process, I recommend that you do a lot of Tapping! Whenever you make even a small mistake, let yourself notice how you feel instead of trying to ignore it, and Tap down the worst of your upset. When you do this repeatedly, the idea that you don’t have to be perfect to be good and to deserve happiness will start to sound more true, more normal. Yes, plan to atone for ways in which your mistakes have affected others, but know that this too becomes easier when you Tap. When you’re not being crushed under the weight of your own emotions, it’s possible to empathize with someone else even when you’re the one causing them difficulty. It becomes less tempting for you to remain defensive. You may create a greater capacity for compassion and listening, and more willingness to stop trying to hold others in your life to impossible standards as well. Note that as always, if you get hung up at any point, you may want to find instruction to get beyond a plateau, or consult a professional if you need assistance with anything traumatic.
Beyond improving your tendency toward overreaction, and despite the fact that this may seem out of reach at the moment, you may also find that you can come to value some opportunities that mistakes may afford, such as:
This drives parents nuts, but some things we only truly learn through experience. Sometimes you can dole out advice you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do anyone any good! People may need to see a situation play out in real time with an emotional punch to understand what it all means. Some things will only sink in on a deep level when we make a mistake. Then, we’ll never forget the lesson because it was so vivid.
Sometimes creative ideas come to us in the process of trial and error. By getting into the game even when we’re nowhere near perfection, we start up an engine of feedback that can spark all manner of new perspectives and surprising solutions that we would not have produced through thought experiments alone
Through mistakes, we can learn humility by being reminded of our imperfections and the validity of others’ viewpoints. We sometimes need to be slowed down and shaken out of our ruts in order to see and absorb the wisdom of them.
Despite a learned tendency to be hard on yourself, you can learn to accept your imperfection and find peace with human errors. Maybe you’ve never credited all the ways in which mistakes have saved you from experiencing far worse things because of past experience. Take a moment now and think about this: In what ways have you learned from your mistakes throughout your life, what have they saved you from, and how can you remember to appreciate what you’ve learned? By changing the stories you tell to include this appreciation, you can build the habit of seeing mistakes as broadening experiences that may hold greater blessings than you would ever have thought in the first flush of realization. When you’re less afraid of your own harsh judgment, you’re less afraid of a messy existence in which you can try, fail, learn, and succeed—then rinse and repeat.
Remembering to Tap
“All the things that are worth doing take time. ”
Do you “forget” to Tap? I have noticed that, even when someone has become aware of the usefulness of a tool such as Tapping, s/he is likely to remain resistant to using it consistently. While there may be many reasons for this (the pace of modern life, which makes it hard to find time for new endeavors; the fact that new habits take time to take hold; a societal notion that devoting time to self-care is profoundly selfish; etc.), I think one of the most limiting reasons is the human tendency to resist anything unpleasant—and emotions are often initially unpleasant. In fact, that’s part of their most basic value! They pack a punch! They have the power to get our attention, flagging us down when our own values are being violated to an unacceptable extent. We could be using them as an early warning signal that some action is appropriate, decide what needs to be done, and do it. It’s so simple, really. Instead, we’ve been miseducated to revile, deny and stuff down any hint of normal emotion until it builds up and explodes, or slowly, silently contributes to the development of long-term illness. Not exactly the stuff of genius.
It’s true that in order to work with your emotions, it’s necessary to become conscious of them. You don’t have to dive in and wallow, but you do need to allow awareness of your emotions to rise to the level of your conscious mind. In doing so, you will experience some discomfort. But you experience emotional discomfort anyway in the course of a normal day—you just don’t normally make room to address emotions when they arise within a constructive framework. When you intentionally open a path for your emotions to communicate with you, and then Tap through what shows up, you relieve any building pressure, free up previously trapped energy for more useful purposes, and gain clarity on what you want and how you might create it.
Back to the initial discomfort of actually allowing yourself to feel your emotions, then. When you start your Tapping process, you may need to just acknowledge that you’re not enjoying yourself. It’s ok to start with something like, “I hate this,” or “I feel selfish,” or “I feel ridiculous.” Once you get going, you should find that the emotions you’re working on reduce in intensity until it’s more of a relief to Tap on them. Instead of waiting until they’re debilitating, you’ll find yourself more drawn to early intervention. With practice, you’ll build confidence that when you take a little time for Tapping, the initial rush of emotion you uncover will soon become a source of helpful insights, and wane to more manageable levels.
When you know that you’re not powerless in the face of your more difficult emotions, working with them becomes, if not a pleasure, at least a far more fulfilling part of your life. Even if I know that I’m about to choose an experience in which I’m going to need to rant and rave, or cry, or realize my own misdeeds while I Tap, I would prefer to regularly do that than to bottle everything up to avoid these moments. I’ve learned to look forward to the catharsis and the calm I experience afterward, as well as the physical relaxation that replaces the stress and tension of avoidance. Not to mention my evolution toward a calmer, more resourceful resting state, which allows me to live my daily life without such wild swings of unnecessarily loud emotion.
If you’ve been reading for a while, and you still avoid Tapping, ask yourself why. Whatever your reason, I promise that it’s Tappable! Start with that, and when you’ve reduced it, pick something else that’s bothering you and Tap away. So much more calmness and peace await you!
Want To "Get Even"?
“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space. ”
Last week we took a look at the process of letting go of things that no longer belong in your life. This week, I wanted to talk about one of the main reasons why we cling to painful events that are already gone. As I mentioned last week, it’s rare that we leave a highly charged situation feeling fully resolved, at peace, and free of it. Usually there’s some piece of it that seems unresolved, confusing, connected to other events in your past in a complicated web, or plain unjust. If you perceive that an injustice was done to you (or even someone else), it may be extra difficult to move on and let go of any lingering ill effects of that situation on your outlook, beliefs, happiness and health. You may obsess about what could or should have happened then, or what comeuppance an offending party should experience. If you’re stuck feeling unable to let go of a situation that is long gone, here are some thoughts on how to move in that direction.
Mentally, try to notice when you’re obsessing about a past event and what you wish could have happened. Just becoming aware of the habit will help point out which past events still drag at your daily existence. Knowing that you have a problem is the first step! See if you can isolate what really still gets your goat about it so you know what exactly you’ll need to work on. Practice remembering that revenge fantasies only keep you tied to this event and reinforce its power over you by stirring up your emotions every time you think of it. They’re also not helping anyone, because carrying them out is a bad choice unless you want to go to jail, and when they’re only in your mind, they only hurt you. Decide if it’s time to really commit to taking back your power over this by processing old emotions, learning lessons, and moving forward more positively. Take note of any beliefs you took on as a result of this event. Are you ready to let go of what you’ve decided this means and allow for the possibility that your perspective on it could change? Would you like to consistently feel better about it?
When you’ve decided that it’s time, you’ll now need to focus on what’s bothering you about this past event and zero in on the emotions that come up around it. I think Tapping is the best for this work, so let’s imagine that you’re going to use it as your method. Take those emotions one at a time and do some Tapping on each one until when you think of your past event, the emotion no longer spikes as much. If you want, Tap while you imagine that revenge fantasy playing itself out—sometimes this ends up feeling really fun and empowering, and once you get it out of your system, you may find it easier to move on to other emotions than anger. Keep Tapping on whatever feels most prominent when you think back to your event. Notice if any new ideas or realizations come to you as you do this. Also notice whether this event seems connected to any others in your past, which might mean that you’ll want to work on those as well. If you get stuck, it can be incredibly helpful to call upon any higher power that you believe in, or ancestors, or the best part of yourself, whatever makes sense for you. When you do this, you put yourself in a more receptive state, and I find that this often breaks up a logjam.
As the intensity of your emotion comes down, and it’s not bothering you so much anymore, it can be helpful to affirm that it’s not necessarily your job to fix everything, right every wrong you come across, teach misbehaving people a lesson, and generally police the universe. Yes, sometimes it’s appropriate for you to speak up and take action, but sometimes that’s for someone else to handle. The most important thing for building your inner calm is allowing yourself to let go of the old unpleasantness or trauma and get back to a sense of safety in the present moment. Once you’re there, it’s much easier to reclaim anything positive that may have come out of the event, including the knowledge of how to avoid a repeat in the future.
The idea of forgiveness is one that can be helpful here, but one we may resist because it has been presented as just the right thing to do, but without enough helpful explanation about how and why it’s actually good for you. I find that the best definition of forgiveness to use during Tapping is often just allowing yourself to let go of attachment to and judgments about a situation and let yourself float free of it with the knowledge that it’s best for everyone that you do so, and get back to a healthier state. After all, when you’re feeling calm, you’re going to be able to make better decisions. If there’s anything you still want to do about this situation, you’ll be better able to do it when you feel happier and freer. This may not make sense to you while you read this, but it’s experiential. If you try it, it just might help you.
In case you need help finding some of the stickiest thoughts people hold about past events, see if any of these statements resonates for you. If so, feel free to just repeat one as you Tap until you don’t feel as strongly about it, or it doesn’t feel as true.
I don’t like this story. I don’t want it to be the story I have to tell about my life.
Nothing is ever going to make this ok.
This always happens to me.
Life is always harder for me than it is for everyone else.
Everything is so unfair.
This was the worst thing that could have happened.
There’s nothing I can do about this.
When you Tap on a negative statement like these that feels true, you aren’t reinforcing it. You’re allowing your emotions around it come up and out so that the power of the thought dissipates. It may take some time. Don’t be discouraged if this is true for you. What’s more important than being able to calm yourself and free up energy that’s been stuck in the past? When you’re able to do this, your sense of confidence in your ability to handle your life will soar. It’s far more enjoyable to be able to sink into the present moment of your life and have all your wits about you because you’re not obsessing about the past or fearing the same kind of experience repeating itself in the future. Doing this work can help you do that, and live a simpler life in which you can focus on what’s most important to you.
Taking the Leap
“Everything has seasons, and we have to be able to recognize when something’s time has passed and be able to move into the next season. Everything that is alive requires pruning as well, which is a great metaphor for endings.”
Sometimes, your only job in a situation is to let go and allow a thing to exit your life. Depending on the circumstances, actually accomplishing this can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. There can be numerous reasons why we struggle with letting go, and it’s worth taking a look at them, because shining a light on the resistance usually helps us to find some clarity about what we’re doing and why. Once we have clarity, it’s easier to see what we need to do, and commit to doing it. When the task makes sense, we tend to feel better about taking action.
Here are the most common reasons we resist letting go of something (or someone):
Fear. If this is the best we’ve had yet, wouldn’t we be crazy to let it go? What if it’s our last chance? What if never find something this good again, let alone better? What if this was a fluke, a once-in-a-lifetime chance? This is fear talking. While it’s true that change is one of life’s only constants, and nothing will ever be exactly the same as this opportunity, just think about this for a minute. If you’re reading this, you live on a planet that is home to roughly seven and a half billion people, every one of those unique. Each of them wants roughly the same thing—safety, love, understanding, acceptance, validation. Each of them is constantly having new ideas about how they can be most successful at, and have the most fun in the process of, getting those things. Doesn’t it make sense that there are a lot of other people out there who want to go about those things in ways that you would appreciate? Let’s recall that seven and a half billion is a LOT of people. Some of those people you’d really like have available jobs to offer or recommend, they have hobbies, they want to be in relationships, they want to find ways to make the world a better place. When you’re holding on tightly, desperately, to something that isn’t right for you, you’re not out there finding your people where they are right now.
Deserving. On some level, not always immediately conscious, you may think you still need to “fix,” understand, or resolve something about your situation before it’s ok to let it go. Now, sometimes that’s a great idea. Feeling complete with a situation before you move on is a beautiful thing, and sometimes with a little thought and consideration, you can gain skills and wins for everyone involved. Honestly, though, in my experience, this is rare. Often we hope for concurrence from and peace with all parties involved in a situation, and getting to this may not be possible, because the only person you’re in control of is you. It takes two (or more) to tango, and to make peace holistically with a situation. Sometimes the best thing for everyone is for you to exit despite collective discomfort. In this case, you can be as clear and loving with your behavior as possible while still staying firm about your intentions, and then vote with your feet. The rest is not up to you. As far as the understanding piece, understanding and wisdom accrue in layers. Don’t you find that your understanding of situations from your past is exponentially more dimensional now because of the life experience you’ve amassed since then? This process will continue throughout your life. If there’s some key information you feel you need in order to make a good decision, fine, but you’re never going to resolve every possible loose end before it’s time for a change. And you deserve to make the best possible decision for yourself. Everyone does as long as they are not hurting others or violating their basic human rights—that’s what the concept of free will (balanced with a few moral considerations) is all about.
Disappointment. We tend to resist processing the reality that things we wanted did not materialize in the way we hoped, because if we really let that sink in, we’d have to feel the resulting sadness and loss, and then reimagine the future. It can be exhausting to go through all of this. On the other hand, it’s also exhausting to repress these feelings, we’re just not trained to notice this kind of energy drain and appreciate how it is aggregating over time! The answer is to learn tools that can assist you with breaking your discomfort into manageable chunks and handle releasing it in an appropriate manner. Enter EFT! This is my absolute favorite tool for the job. Not only does it help you get the job done efficiently, but it can also make the process more enjoyable and empowering than you might think. It can also facilitate better creative problem solving and faster leaps to new insights.
Beliefs. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we tend to encapsulate what we learn from a situation as a belief or two that we will hold as guiding principle going forward. If the new or reinforced beliefs are positive, as in, “I can and do choose to be in relationships only with people who are kind,” this is helpful to our development. If they’re limiting, as in, “People are jerks when you really get to know them,” we can wind up having big problems with trust, building new relationships, and having a social life that feels supportive. Often, these beliefs sneak by our conscious minds such that we don’t even realize that we could change our experience by rewriting them. Affirmations and mindfulness are excellent tools for working with mental habits and beliefs, but to address the deep emotional reasons why you formed those deep beliefs in the first place, we need tools for interacting with the subconscious, like Tapping, hypnosis, or NLP.
Real change takes work, but in my world, it’s always worth it! When you’re willing to do the work of becoming aware of, and releasing, the internal clutter produced by past events, the return is clarity, relief, increased energy, and greater wisdom. You may still need to go through various steps in transforming your relationships to the past, the present, and people (because no one’s development is ever complete), but you’ll be able to get unstuck and see more clearly along the way. Once you’ve handled your resistance to allowing positive change to happen, greater possibilities open up for you, and life stays fresh and interesting.
Too...Much...Information!
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.”
One of the most challenging things about being alive at this time in history is the fire hose of information and pure distraction that we’re all drinking from every day. The sheer number of advertisements we’re bombarded with everywhere we look and listen can make it hard to direct our own attention for very long. If you have goals and important projects underway, this can be a problem! Without focused, sustained time spent on your highest priorities, you’re not likely to make much progress. You need energy, willpower, and all of your creative faculties to keep pushing forward, and the endless firehose will erode all three if you’re not careful.
Studies have shown that we have a limited amount of willpower each day. If you’re burning through yours on evaluating everything the world at large wants you to pay attention to each day, you’re leaving less willpower for yourself. This is why having an information policy for yourself is crucial to your long-term success. You do, in fact, have the power to decide and enforce such a policy. You do not have an obligation to spend your time sifting through a bunch of unsolicited muck when what you really need is time for your own plans. You don’t have to be rude to anyone, but you do need to be clear and firm with those who want your time and give you nothing you want in return.
So why don’t you set these boundaries already (assuming you’re not already perfect at this)? Are you afraid people will be mad at you? Afraid you’ll miss out on something important? Always in search of shiny new adventures? Spare a thought for why you are where you are with the flow of information and distraction in your life and see if you can gain some clarity. Once you see what’s going on for you, think about what you can do about it. Here are a few things you may need to do to come into balance with your environment and improve your focus on areas of your choosing:
Practice saying a firm, but polite no. There are few things as empowering as becoming an expert at this! What if you were able to do so with a smile, a light heart, and an expression of gratitude for an opportunity you’re not choosing—and no internal conflict. It is possible. Just practice! And remember that it’s ok to enjoy, even revel in, your power to choose your path in life. This is a privilege, and your building a life you love, focused on things you’re passionate about, will bless many others, not just you. It will also light the way for others to do the same.
Decide when you will check your phone/e-mail, and make sure you allow for enough time in between for you to sink into tasks and actually get things done. Put your phone on silent and out of sight during this time so it’s not a distraction, and minimize your e-mail if you’re on a computer. If you listen to music while you work, find a way to make it ad free.
Schedule the most important work of your day early, whether that’s exercising, meal planning, or a work proposal that needs to represent you at the top of your game. Then, as you use up your willpower, you’ll be doing so where it counts and not on a bunch of random stuff thrown at you by strangers.
Schedule time for browsing through information that’s relevant to your life, or just enjoyable, toward the end of your day, when you’ve accomplished important daily goals. If you need help limiting this time, set an alarm when you start and have a plan for what you’ll do next when the alarm goes off. Automation can really help in the later part of your day when your willpower is in tatters!
Minimize unnecessary decision making by planning meals ahead. See if you can find other decision processes to streamline as well.
If you’re afraid of missing things, see if you can brainstorm a way to share tasks with others. Maybe you can each keep an eye on a separate area and share anything important that arises with the others. Specialization is necessary when it’s impossible for any one person to stay on top of everything alone.
These are just a few ideas. How else might you manage the flow of information in your life and foster your ability and your inclination to focus? This is a lifelong process, so just work to notice where you could make new choices and gain some traction for your priorities. And don’t forget to share anything you come up with in the comments below!
The Limits of Logic
“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”
I talk a lot about emotions in these blogs (mostly because they constitute a maligned and often forcibly ignored area of human functioning), but since there’s a highly symbiotic relationship between thoughts and emotions, it’s important to note the role of the mind in working on emotions. I remember the first time I encountered the assertion that thoughts come before and cause emotions. It was an intriguing idea, and one that I have found to be mostly true in practice.
It’s not always this simple—for example, when you lose a loved one, what causes pain is mostly the thought of separation from that person, and possibly thoughts about what seems left undone between you, but there can be a very physical component. Physical touch creates soothing, “happy” chemicals to be produced in the body. If this was someone you lived in close proximity with, the loss of daily physical touch as well as the ease of access to a supportive relationship can also be powerful factors in how you feel.
Even so, the mind does have a great deal of useful power that can be harnessed when your goal is to clear old emotions from your system and stop generating so many of the “difficult” emotions that result from our minds engaging in negative thought loops. For instance, if you decide to watch for and consciously stop yourself from indulging when you notice that you’re harping on negative, destructive, or hostile thoughts, you’ll notice two things: One, that this is way harder than you thought it would be, and two, that when you do this throughout the day, you do actually feel better and have more energy.
Note that the goal is not to stop feeling emotions—they serve useful purposes, the most obvious of which is to jolt us, in a way that’s difficult to ignore, into noticing when a situation needs our attention. When anger rises in response to a situation, this generally tells us that we perceive an injustice or threat here that we need to get ready for or find a way to right once it has occurred. We may need to apply strategy, communication skills that need to be practiced, and set boundaries or enforce them. This is another place where the mind can kick in and help. Its job is not to “silence” the emotion, but to assist in the creation of a strategy once you’ve understood what the emotion has to say. The mind can remember past strategies that worked for you and others, as well as the Tapping techniques that you can use to deescalate your emotional responses once you no longer need them as signposts!
It is also not the mind’s job to “figure out” the emotions and what they mean. If you try to stand distant from your emotions and never engage them, your mind will try to solve everything on its own. This is partly because this is what it does—it always thinks it knows best—and partly because we’ve been taught to rely heavily on it. In most developed countries, the value of the mind is emphasized over all other parts of the self; mental intelligence and computations, logical, linear thinking, and precise memory are prized as the highest and best abilities to which humans should aspire. While the mind is immensely powerful, as my partner Andrew likes to put it, it’s not the right tool for every job! It can be great at processing a vast amount of information and distilling it down to a useful result using the filters you have in place. You may be aware of many of these filters, such as the values and beliefs you would use as examples of what’s important to you. There are also filters of which you are less aware—those held in place by your subconscious because of events and messages you don’t even remember. The mind uses its power within this framework. As with a computer, when you don’t like its results, you need to consider the underlying code, and the limitations of the system.
Only by entering the world of symbol and engaging with our emotions can we access their most comprehensive messages in ways that are suited to us. When we allow ourselves to actually feel our emotions, we can find connections to past events that would not have been evident through pure logic. We might suddenly perceive how a current situation feels the way it does because of something that happened in childhood that felt very similar. Realizing this gives us a chance to do the work of healing old trauma so that it doesn’t have to dictate our future. It allows us to think through the ways in which this situation, and we ourselves, are not the same as the past situation and person. The “past you” probably didn’t have the knowledge, experience, and resources at her fingertips that you now have.
Once you feel vividly what would need to change for you to handle your current situation better, the mind can help you hone the plan to create space for the healing you need, and fill in gaps in your resources. It helps to give it very specific tasks, though! Instead of asking an extremely open-ended question like, “How can I get what I want,” it may work better to add conditions, such as, “How can I get my money back from this chronic cheater in a way that will succeed but still allow me to feel good about myself and stay out of trouble with the law?” If you ask an open-ended question, the mind will usually spit out an answer very quickly, but it’s likely to be a bad solution that may leave you feeling judged and cornered. Even if you did add conditions, you may need to keep adding new ones when you see the flaws in what your mind initially suggests.
By identifying the valuable, unique function of the emotions, and knowing the limits of the mind in comprehending them and their non-linear messages, we clarify what is needed in each moment. Is this a time for checking in with the emotions about what is needed in a deep sense, or is this just a time to add conditions in order to refine a plan? Try to notice the difference this week and see if this clarifies your tasks.