So Much Happier Blog
The Amplifying Power of Cooperation
“Competition has been shown to be useful up to a certain point and no further, but cooperation, which is the thing we must strive for today, begins where competition leaves off.”
Photo by Shane Rounce
Interestingly, though so many of us have been raised with the idea that nature is set up to reward “Survival of the Fittest,” and that this means a life of high-octane individualistic competition for all beings, this may not be the most observable truth. I just read an article postulating that even Darwin, credited as the author of this concept, didn’t mean it the way it has been passed down. While I’m not an expert here and have not read Darwin’s works directly, I wouldn’t be surprised if his observations had been oversimplified. The world around us is full of examples of ingenious interconnectedness and cooperation. Until very recently in human history, people lived in highly interdependent, necessarily cooperative groups/tribes because without modern technology, the tasks required for sustainable survival were well beyond the abilities of most single humans.
In modern times, we have been increasingly enabled to exist with less directly obvious interaction with others, so daily human interactions have dwindled. As a result, in the last century, there has been a remarkable increase in the symptoms of loneliness and a decrease in feelings of purpose and daily relevance. Many people feel less able to turn to reliable partners for support in times of difficulty. A lot fewer of us feel like we’re a part of a thriving, socially connected community. And now, we’re confronting a pandemic that requires yet more isolation, exacerbating a growing sense of loneliness for so many.
This is new territory, and we are evolving new ways to stay connected, like the Internet. Being able to connect to anyone with Internet service around the world expands the ways in which we can become interconnected to other people in meaningful ways across distance. However, it does not replace the depth of real-world, multi-dimensional relationships that many of us are lacking. The constant availability of vast amounts of information and opportunity of certain kinds may seem as though it should be enough to fulfill us, but somehow it’s just not. It often only adds to our feelings of stress and overwhelm rather than decreasing them as healthy relationships can do.
Healthy, balanced, cooperative relationships can assist us in creating better solutions to problems by allowing us access to a wider array of talents and ideas. They can broaden our sense of security, because we know that the people on the other end will be there when we’re truly in need, just as we will pitch in when they need something important. Healthy relationships assure us that others know, approve of, and care for us through the ups and downs; they help to give us a sense of daily purpose as we participate in supporting a network of people we like, and who are working toward goals we can approve of. Human beings are evolutionary, meaning that we have a natural drive toward learning, growth, and achievement, but we are also built to be social. If we are not tending to our social needs, we can feel just as empty as when there is no obvious path forward to the creation of better things for ourselves and those around us.
In this time of such great challenge to our social needs, it’s vital that we devote some focus and ingenuity to how we will tend to our social needs and those of the people we want to stay connected to. Part of self-care is caring for our relationships, and making sure that those we love know we’re available to them in whatever ways we can be. Relationships take time and effort to build and deepen, and they take more time and effort to maintain. If we neglect them, over time, their strength may falter and leave us feeling less grounded, less supported, less well. Many of us have been struggling to adjust to a host of new routines, pressures, and problems lately, and it’s hard to keep up with everything at once, but making sure we don’t drop out of our relationships is incredibly important.
If you’ve let this go by the wayside in the face of overwhelm, make sure you’re taking the time this week to reach out to someone whose presence in your life you cherish. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time, but you may find that you get great satisfaction out of even a short visit if you’re putting aside distractions and really showing up fully for it. Think about the ways in which you could cooperate to get more of what you want and need rather than trying to go it alone, and take satisfaction in the cooperation you’re already leveraging. Let yourself celebrate and feel good about what’s good in your life, what is supportive and going right even when so much is challenging. Healthy relationships are one of the best, most valuable things we can create, and they should be appreciated and nurtured.
What Was That Again?
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
One of the areas of greatest disconnect in relationships is around the concept of listening. Most people think they’re great at listening, and many people overestimate their expertise in this area! Being an effective active listener takes work. It takes dedication, focus, determination to avoid distractions, emotional management, generosity, and willingness to stretch your own boundaries in the cause of better understanding a fellow human being. It’s easy and quite common to go off on mental tangents while others are speaking, including starting to plan your own response before the other person has expressed their thoughts. It can be hard to be patient enough to endure, remaining present, without interrupting, especially when the speaker is not great at organizing their thoughts before speaking, but patience is required if you really want to build understanding.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard regarding effective listening is to take notes, which makes it a lot harder to split your focus by indulging in your own flights of fancy at the same time or jump to conclusions. Taking notes helps to slow down a mind that tends toward hyperdrive. When you’ve fully heard the speaker out, that’s a better time to process what has been said and compose your own contribution for best relevance. And the best practice for active listening is to go back over the speaker’s points, repeating what you think you heard, and asking questions to make sure you’ve understood. Doing this ensures better comprehension, which assures your speaker that you are serious about receiving their communication—and it helps them to feel heard, which pretty much everyone loves.
Why bother? Well, the best relationships, whether with family, friends, colleagues, or new acquaintances, require respectful curiosity and the willingness to compromise. You can’t gather information, get to know someone more deeply, walk in someone else’s shoes for empathy, or keep up with others’ evolution over time without being proficient at listening. If your listening skills are sub-par, your relationships will remain shallow and confusing. In short, no listening, no meaningful relationships.
With this in mind, I thought I’d share an infographic on communication that I thought you might find interesting. It is intended for consumption in the business world, but the facts and figures apply broadly. As you read it, take note: Where do think you really fall the various scales that measure these skills? Might there be room for improvement? Which of these might you practice this week to start improving your relationships further?
Navigating Assaults on Your Spirit
“You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lines. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I’ll rise.”
Sadly, one of the characteristics of the human condition is suffering. Much as we may work to avoid it and maximize our happiness (and I will never argue against doing this in ethical ways that don’t harm others, as it often yields great rewards to us and the world around us), we can’t escape our share of difficulty in this life. And some people accumulate far more than their share. Thinking, feeling human beings partake not just in their own pain, but in the pain of others, which can be just as difficult. And in this day and age, when so much bad news in in our faces all the time, the visible levels of human suffering can be overwhelming on a daily basis. When there are spikes in sad and senseless world events, which has happened numerous times this year alone, it can be hard to continue functioning at all.
Despair and powerlessness are at the very the bottom curve of human emotions. When we’ve fallen this far, coming back to equanimity is a process. It doesn’t have to take a long time chronologically, but it does take work. What drives us into these states is unique and complex, and the severity of our fall is determined by the timing of many factors and how they interrelate. I think we’ve all had the experience of multiple misfortunes coming in rapid succession at times, and in these cases, it’s far harder to remain emotionally and spiritually buoyant if you’re not an enlightened master, or at least someone who has trained for the most challenging and soul-sucking times. In our darkest hours, our task may be to just hang on as best we can so that we can heal and renew when some light returns.
Let’s get right to it. Some ideas for supporting yourself in your worst of times:
Rest. I personally find sleep to be a huge help when I’m emotionally overwhelmed and drained. It’s never the whole story, but it does offer a certain magic. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is give your system a reset, and this is a good one if you can leverage it.
Do your best to keep drinking water and eating some nutritious food every day. If you can’t be bothered, this is something you may be able to ask for help on from a family member when you’re at your wit’s end.
Indulge in “distraction techniques.” These can include any number of activities, like watching a movie that completely gets your mind off what’s weighing on you, playing a game, playing with a pet or child, taking a bath and reading a novel, or otherwise directing your attention off of the problem. This can seem frivolous when everything seems wrong, but you’re no good to anyone when you’re having trouble summoning the will to do anything at all.
On the other hand, you might find it more helpful (especially when you’ve regained enough energy to feel angry or frustrated) to express your feelings by joining with others who understand what you’re upset about to vent, or consuming art that describes your experience and your feelings, creating art, journaling, going to cognitive therapy, or Tapping. In some cities there are now “rage rooms” where you can pay a fee to let loose and break and destroy things, which I understand can be pretty satisfying! Finding a support group around a long-term struggle you share with others can also be incredibly helpful.
This can also be a great time to decide where you will invest energy in the future to help others or support a great cause that is aligned with your struggle, or with skills you enjoy sharing. Committing to an effort to make the world a better place and improve someone else’s life can give a lot of meaning to yours.
Remind yourself what your highest values are, the things that make life worth living, even if it all seems questionable at the moment. When you learn to do this often, it can be something that saves you from the deepest plunges even when your greatest challenges emerge.
There’s a lot of great work you can do when things are looking a bit better that will help you deal with the next time you hit a deep trough, but it takes more energy to do these than you probably have when you’re in the depths. Setting up a support system, finding like-minded buddies and groups (virtual and in real life), as well as practitioners who can help if you’re really in need, spiritual gathering places where you feel at home, and cultivating comforting rituals and other supportive practices like meditation, physical exercise, healthy emotional and mental attentiveness and venting, or spending time with friends who uplift you.
There will be times when your life will feel terrible and hopeless. I wish that wasn’t true, but I don’t think it’s possible to escape this reality if you live a human life. Without acting out or taking out your emotions on your friends, it is important to take time to express your emotions and thoughts, and also, at times, to studiously ignore them so you can partake of various kinds of healing. Whatever your year has been like so far, I hope that you can find support from a variety of loving sources when you need it. I hope you can become stronger and more compassionate despite, or even as a result of, challenge. I hope the time you spend in your worst pain is dwarfed by the time you spend experiencing solidarity and meaning. When you are on solid footing, I hope you will take your turn supporting those who are not with whatever you are best at giving. I hope the human race finds ways to become better and more humane so that all people can experience better lives.
Melting that Stress Away
This week I want to share an article about a recent study on the efficacy of EFT on stress relief. This study replicates a previous one that showed a significant decrease in cortisol (one of the main stress hormones) production, with an even better average result. This confirms what anyone who has actually learned and used Tapping knows, that it quickly helps to relieve stress and calm the body and mind. On the right side of the above linked page, you can access other studies about EFT’s efficacy as well. You may not want to wile away your day perusing these articles for fun, but if you need a reminder about why it’s highly practical to spend some time becoming comfortable with Tapping and weaving it into your daily routine, perhaps these articles will provide that for you. It’s my hope that you will use this incredible simple, free, supportive range of tools for your benefit always, but particularly at times of high stress and uncertainty, like the ones we’re living through right now.
Need reminder about how to do it? Head over to this page. It only takes a few minutes per day to start practicing and gaining confidence that you can improve your moods and functioning across the board with these techniques. A lot of people have more time right now, so you may have a perfect opportunity to spend a little time each day using Tapping to decrease your stress and clear your slate for a better day, no matter what you have going on. I would never want to be without the ability Tapping gives me to completely change how I feel about my current challenges in just minutes, and I hope it brings you the same kind of solace.
So Much Togetherness
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
If you are in one of the many places in the world that are self-isolating right now, then you have been experiencing multiple challenges. One of those is a LOT more time with family and pets who may be used to having a lot more space and alone time. I came across an article on how to keep the peace with you loved ones, and I thought I’d share it for your health and enjoyment!
You can find that here. In addition, know that anytime we undergo big changes to our routines and have to turn on a dime as we have recently, it’s very normal to feel confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, afraid, annoyed, and to be tempted to lash out at others. That doesn’t tend to go well, though, so I suggest you plan to do extra work on yourself and your inner life right now. Taking a little of the time you normally spend on commuting, doing errands, attending social engagements, etc. to do calming activities like taking a bath, writing in a journal, reading a good book, or Tapping can be a huge help in managing all the rapid change you’ve been enduring. Life will begin to pick up again at some point, but for now, don’t try to pretend this isn’t hard.
Some Research on Positive Results of Tapping
“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.”
This week, I know many of us are dealing with changes to our everyday routines due to public health imperatives, so I’ll keep it short and sweet. At times like this when we’re under all kinds of stress due to global events and distressing local realities, we really need to be managing our inner lives in order to stay healthy (in addition to following the guidance of public health experts, of course). In case you still haven’t gotten up and running with Tapping, below are some links that show evidence of how much it can help our bodies to adapt positively in a variety of situations. If you know someone else who is on the fence about it because it seems strange at first glance, you might want to pass along these links to them. Even if you do Tap regularly, you still might want to check out some of this information, as it’s always interesting to see how others are succeeding with Tapping. Now’s the time for all of us to be using these amazing, free techniques to keep ourselves in the game.
EFT International's Research Page
EFT Universe Science and Research Page
The Tapping Solution's Research Page
I hope you find these links helpful, and I wish you peace and health as we all navigate these strange times in which we find ourselves. Have a safe and sane week!
Remember Reading for Fun?
“You can’t get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me.”
I recently read about a study that was done in 2009 at the University of Sussex in the U.K. on some basic stress relief techniques and how effective they could be in short periods of time. It held some happy surprises, and I wanted to pass them along to you this week. While you know that Tapping/EFT is definitely my favorite stress relief technique, I like to make sure you know about lots of others you can weave into the fabric of your daily life. Nothing is the right tool for everyone all the time, and what I like about this study is that it points out the utility and surprising rapidity of results you can get from enjoying everyday things you already know how to do! Fast, easy, effective, and no learning required? Yes, please!
In this study, subjects’ heart rates and muscle tension were monitored while they engaged in various activities. Here are the results they recorded for each:
Playing video games: 21% improvement in stress levels. So maybe that silly game you downloaded onto your phone is not just fun, but more helpful to you than you knew!
Taking a walk: 42% improvement. Sometimes age-old low-tech wisdom is the best!
Enjoying a cup of coffee or tea: 54% improvement. Whoa. Does this surprise you as much as it did me? Next time you feel tense, maybe grab your favorite hot beverage and just savor the flavor for a highly effective relaxation break. Amazing!
Listening to music: 61% improvement. I don’t think it’s too much of a surprise that music we like takes most of us to our safe, happy place, but with this kind of proof, we really have a case for working it into our days more consistently. Turn the volume to your preferred level and enjoy. Extra points if you twirl and jump around while listening, because plenty of other studies have shown that moving around and getting the blood pumping produces endorphins, our “happy” chemicals.
The grand prize winner, reading: 68% improvement in as little as six minutes! What?! (Take note that this is based on reading fiction for fun—NOT news or business articles and the like.) Enjoyable reading distracts us from our own thoughts and problems (and distraction techniques have been shown to be quite helpful for anxiety, for instance), as well as firing up our creativity, which adds another supportive element. I find this to be pretty exciting, because it’s so simple. Plus, I’ve always been a big-time bookworm. As long as you’re not multi-tasking, but allowing yourself to be absorbed in the story, I’m guessing you’d get the same results from listening to an audio book.
Isn’t it nice to hear about a few things that are fun and not at all bad for your health (as long as you don’t sprain your thumb playing video games)? In the week ahead, how about digging out your library card (or getting one) and reading a chapter a day of something fun? Even better, walk to the library to get that book, listen to music and gyrate as you make a cup of tea, then curl up with said tea to read that chapter. It’s all good for you! Simple yet powerful pleasures. Who says stress relief has to be hard work?
How about Some Good News?
This world we’re living in can be so busy and difficult and distracting, and filled with the constant blaring of bad news, that sometimes it’s hard to remember that there are good things happening all over the planet all the time as well. I thought this week I’d just send a few sources for updates of this kind. Feel free to bookmark them and return whenever you need a reminder about all the great work being done. You may even be inspired to join in here or there! Even if not, it can be inspiring and heartening to read about uplifting news. I hope you enjoy and get a lift from these sources. Please feel free to share and help others around you remember the good as well!
And just for fun, here’s a nice compilation of a bunch of good stories from 2019. See you next week!
Feeling Out of Phase?
Well friends, here we are solidly into 2020, a new year and a new decade! Whether you were raring to go or felt blindsided by the trappings of wrapping up the old year, time marches on. Like a lot of people, I spent the transition groggy with a nasty cold, and I feel like I’m only now finally starting to wake up again. Maybe you’ve already hit the ground running with exciting new ideas and plans, and if so, well done!
Whatever your experience has been so far, remember that your personal timing doesn’t have to line up with everyone else’s to be valid. Sometimes we all get a little (or a lot) out of step with where the world seems to be headed. You may experience this in small ways, with a sense of being out of synch in your closest relationships or in your local routines. For much of human history, the local was most of what we had to worry about! However, now, with the advent of the Information Age and the 24-hour news cycle that must be filled, no matter how low-quality the programming, we are bombarded with so much more than we can ever participate in, and much of it is fear-mongering. The split focus and temptation toward constant worry that this constantly induces is confusing at best and utterly overwhelming at worst.
And this is not just experienced on a personal level. Our new normal is affecting the genesis and reaction to mass events the world over. This time in history is in many ways chaotic and shot through with layers of rudderless conflict. We’ve hit multiple tipping points that require us to change on a global scale if we want to have a planet to live on at all in another decade or three, and the majority of the world’s leaders seem convinced that childish, self-obsessed stupidity is the way to go.
I actually think a lot of our issues come down to failures in educational systems. That’s not really surprising, since education used to be only for the wealthy, and only quite recently has there been an effort to scale it up to cover everyone in cultures across the world. This effort has revealed a whole new set of challenges that are not easy or quick to solve with our current level of experience regarding the effective transfer of information and skills in group settings. And just recently, the number of readily available distractions has exploded. It used to be that for those with the luxury of free time, one of the exciting things you could do was learn, and expand your horizons in self-motivated ways. Now so much is handed to us, even foisted upon us, that learning is less a joy and more of a constant drudgery as we try to keep up with everything that a cacophony of questionably valuable tastemakers tells us we must.
I don’t mean to sound like a grumpy old person here (“It used to be that everything was just great, blah blah blah”), because there was never a time when everything was perfect on planet Earth! What I’m hearing from so many people right now, though, is that the fight against constant overwhelm is becoming more and more consuming and exhausting. If you feel like you’re bogged down in a cycle of just getting through each day and recovering from it, you’re in good company! Here are some ideas that may help you as you begin to construct your vision of this new year and begin to set it into motion:
Acknowledge that this world is a challenging place in which to live, and don’t be so hard on yourself about it. You have to balance yourself and your needs, the needs of those closest to you, and your relationship with the wider world, all of which are demanding, and these demands are constantly shifting. Give yourself some love and credit for keeping up with all of this. Some people like to make their lives look effortless on social media. Don’t believe that #*%~.
Reaffirm that only you can be the source of the most high-quality information about you. By all means, consider feedback from others as you chart your path, but if their assumptions are wrong, reject them. Only if you retain the right to be the arbiter of your opinions about yourself, and choose to make self-compassion a guiding principle, will you have access to the constant stream of creativity you need in your daily efforts to make your life the best it can be.
Have a written list of your priorities that you refer to daily. Focus is key. You can imagine far more than you can ever accomplish in the flesh! You must prioritize your highest values and connected projects if you ever want to get anywhere. Do you have this? Almost no one does. If you don’t, make a list now in your phone or somewhere else you can easily refer to it. Have you done this yet? Seriously, do it now!
Unless you are a writer or other passionate content producer by choice, focusing on living your life in the real world is far more crucial than narrating your every move in the twittersphere. Yes, stay in touch with important people in your life in the most convenient ways for you. Just don’t confuse running in endless circles online with accomplishing your goals. Simplify and focus.
Carve out the time you need to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. If you think you’re too busy, start with small steps. If you fall off the wagon, get up and keep trying. You can’t sustain an optimal life if you always put your basic needs last.
Get clear about the ways in which you want to contribute and give, the ways that feel appropriate and exciting for you. If you’re not sure, get out there and practice donating some of your favorite skills. Be careful to corral your giving into this mission statement so that you don’t start behaving as though you owe all things to all people. We all need to exist within a give and take dynamic with the societies we live in, but doing too much will exhaust you and deny the world the best version of what you have to give. Give joyfully, and when you can’t, plot your rest and rejuvenation, and then get back to your chosen areas of giving.
Keep an eye out for ways to make your life fun. If something isn’t fun at all, you’ll tend to quit, because there are limits to human reserves of willpower. Enjoyment keeps us motivated in healthy ways. It also draws us toward activities we’re good at, which helps nurture our effectiveness and deeply feed our life vitality.
It’s fine to be influenced by the timing of the world and the people around you, but remember that those who have invented some of the best solutions in history have been considered eccentric-to-outright-crazy because they were not following the pack. In case you haven’t noticed (you probably have if you’re reading this), the world is desperately in need of creative solutions to a wide variety of problems. Paradoxically, you may be better able to help by refusing to have your timing and your activities dictated by conventional wisdom, immediate imperatives that you’re not the right person for, and public opinion.
Treasure the people you trust. Friends who have your best interests at heart as well as their own, and who have demonstrated the ability to maintain relationships characterized by a balance between giving and receiving, are one of the best things in life. Appreciate these people at every opportunity!
There are times when we need to meet life with a warrior spirit, and no matter what you’re attempting to do with your life, it seems to me that now, this moment on this planet, is one of those times. I don’t mean that we need to be combative, but rather suffused with a courageous willingness to do what is necessary and appropriate in order to meet the challenges we face, both personal and collective. Find someone from any time in history who inspires you in this direction.
I wish you courage, focus, friendship, ease, and joy as you face whatever may unfold for you in 2020. Be awesome!
The Way, Way Back
“We will be more successful in all our endeavors if we can let go of the habit of running all the time, and take little pauses to relax and re-center ourselves. And we’ll also have a lot more joy in living.”
Last week we looked at how much we tend to avoid how we actually feel at any point in time, how this tends to create a life of stress and panic, and what we can start doing to turn that around. It’s true that learning to notice the signals from our bodies and emotions, and building nuanced language skills to describe them specifically, are building blocks in creating a happier, more peaceful experience. And these skills will serve us well for a lifetime in dealing with what’s happening in our internal worlds. This week, I want to add a dimension to the discussion that makes things more complicated, but also increases our chances of success in getting to that happier place.
Being able to tune into how you feel and work with it is tremendously helpful in empowering you to live a better day-to-day experience. On the other hand, Gary Craig, the founder of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), used to say, “The problem is never the problem.” In other words, the reason we react the way we do to current events in our lives usually goes back much farther than the event we’re dealing with now, usually to old patterns and traumas, sometimes from the very distant past. Being able to do something about those, then, is like finding the map to where all the treasure is buried!
Lucky for us, Tapping has been shown through both extensive use and scientific studies to be effective in dealing with old traumas as well as beliefs that result from patterns of experience. These are two areas in which it is generally most difficult for people to create lasting change. Before I mention some ideas on how to work at this deeper level, please note that big traumas are not generally something you should tackle on your own. Though Tapping can be used as a self-help tool in many cases, if something feels too big or scary for you to confront on your own, then don’t! Get help, and you’ll get faster, more comfortable results, feel supported, and deepen your skills with Tapping as you go.
If you find that you’re Tapping on something that isn’t reducing past a certain point, or that you seem to be working on very similar things over and over, chances are that you need to look to previous events for the foundation of your current problem. Here are some approaches that may help:
When you’re clear on your current issue, and you’ve gotten specific about the associated emotions you’re experiencing and how your body feels in response to those, ask yourself one of these questions:
What does this remind me of?
Who does this remind me of?
When have I felt this specific mix of emotions and sensations before? (If it’s all very familiar, when was the first time you can remember feeling like this, or the worst time?)
What does this seem like a metaphor for (as in, if your neck hurts, what in your life is a pain in the neck?)
In asking these questions, you may find more layers of your issue becoming clear to you. If you do realize new connections, your next step will be to Tap on the original event/cause and all the little pieces of your memory that bother you. These might be sounds, images, smells, words that were said, decisions you made about life as a result, or beliefs you took away from the event, as well as many other aspects. Try working on each aspect of what comes up for you one at a time until how you feel about it plummets in intensity, and when it doesn’t bother you much anymore, move on to the next. By targeting the root causes of your current issues this way with patience and attention to detail, you have a much better chance of feeling better about where you are in the present.
As you go about this kind of work, remember that we all have many, many distressing memories of varying intensity left over from past experiences, so you’re not going to clean them all up in a day! Even if what you’re working on feels thoroughly manageable, don’t go overboard and push yourself to take on too much all at once. We all have at least hundreds of unpleasant recollections that would probably benefit from Tapping. With the time you have, work with whatever seems most appropriate in the moment, celebrate whatever gains you’ve made in how you feel about the past, including any helpful realizations you’ve had, and come back to the rest at a later date. Any progress you can get to is valuable. If you get a sense that you’ve done enough for the day, or that today is not the right time to work on something specific, honor that intuition and make a note to come back to it later. It’s also helpful to keep notes on what you’ve worked on, since it’s easy to forget, and having a record is a way to be able to look back and appreciate yourself for all the good work you’ve done.
The more you address older patterns and root causes of why you feel and react the way you do, the more you’ll find that you can maintain a sense of calm as you go through your life, which will always include daily ups and downs. It’s hard to communicate just how much of a difference doing this kind of work can make over time, but if you give it a try, you’ll quickly start to see what I mean. Having the courage to get real about how you really feel and do something about it can be a challenge at first, but you will also find that as you practice, it becomes a tremendous relief to know that you have the opportunity to bring improvement to your emotional world, and to feel that happening every time you spend a few minutes Tapping.
Showing Your Body Some Love
“To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re on the lookout for ways to improve your daily experience of life. If you could be happier, healthier, more energetic, more successful in your personal projects, that would be worth the effort, right? This week, I want to remind you of just how much leverage you can create by taking good care of your physical body.
I think I just heard some groans, because doing the daily work of paying attention to and cultivating health in the body tend not to be people’s favorite things to do. This is not a glamorous job. It’s also not inherently social, because your body is unique, and decoding its signals takes inward focus and trial and error; others can help and offer you companionship throughout this process, but you’re the only one who can know for sure whether your efforts are succeeding. Moving constantly toward more healthy habits takes dedication, and a willingness to stay observant and flexible, because our bodies’ needs change over time. No matter what your goals are in life, care and feeding for a human body that you’d like to last for a good long time is a lifelong side project that takes up energy you could be putting toward other things—many of which will often seem like a lot more fun!
You’ve probably had the experience of recovering from illness and being a amazed at just how great you feel now that you’re no longer feverish, blowing your nose, coughing, etc. On the other hand, when it’s been a while since you’ve been sick, it’s easy to forget how good your normal feels. There’s so much joy that is open to you if you just take a few moments to notice what feels good about your body in any given moment. There’s actually no need for high contrast in order for you to appreciate what your body does well, and why not allow yourself that pleasure? It feels great to take the time to feel good, even if that’s only a minute or so. In addition, getting a tune-up by doing whatever kind of exercise you enjoy, eating healthier food, or utilizing the services of any of a wide variety of practitioners whose job it is to optimize physical functioning can add enormously to your well being.
I was recently reminded of this when I sought out an accupuncturist to help me with healing from a foot injury, and managing pain while I got through the process. Not only did I get help with my specific issue, but because of the wholistic nature of acupuncture and the skill of this practitioner, I immediately noticed a difference in my overall energy and outlook. When I was feeling better overall, it was SO much easier to feel calm and resourceful, as well as resilient in the face of challenge and disappointment.
Now, you all know that I’m a huge proponent of techniques and habits that each of us can learn and master in order to empower ourselves across a wide range of situations that life can throw at us—that’s why I love Tapping so much. It’s simple, and provides quick, reliable, and noticeable results once you learn to use it. And yet, there is so much help available to us in areas where we can’t just do it all ourselves. Sometimes what you need is a surgeon, and let’s face it, there’s no substitute for that! Or you need someone with specific skills, talents, and an outside perspective to light the way forward for you, and assist with the process of change you’re looking to effect. As with your own efforts, it may take trial and error to find modalities and practitioners who are the right fit for you, but when you do, the gains you make can be truly life changing.
Ignoring your physical health and needs may be easy to do when you’re busy (and most of us are!) but it’s also so much easier to be happy when your body is feeling good and running at high capacity. There will always be tension between conflicting demands on your time and focus. You must decide on where to take your ease and where to invest your time and energy in order to create more. Keep an eye out for ways that you can fine tune your body this week, and you’ll have a greater chance of enjoying your life in every moment.
Where the Mind Can't Go
“You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.”
Lately, without even trying, I seem to be seeing a lot of advice everywhere about using logic to think your way to every solution. I’ve heard people vilify emotions as “not real,” confusing temptations, and distractions that entrap the weak. There’s nothing new about this, because frankly, it’s all most people have ever been taught; what is new (to us in this century, anyway) is the idea that your emotional world actually has a useful purpose in your overall health and wholeness. This used to be more of an accepted common-sense principle, but from the advent of the idea of rigorous scientific thought came the collective decision to generally discount, and even bash, anything that could not be mechanistically explained and proven. In fact, in the last hundred years or so in which quantum physics experimentation has yielded some pretty wild and seemingly inexplicable results, many scientists have ignored or actively resisted this particular kind of scientific rigor because it’s just too challenging to their mechanistic beliefs. Unfortunately for society, so are emotions. So they’ve been painted as ridiculous, useless dead ends. Never mind that they’re key to maintaining overall health, most current science wants to write them off as random products of chemical reactions, all sound and fury signifying nothing. Sigh.
Don’t buy the hype. Yes, mental rigor and the exercise of sound logic can do much to improve our lives. But no, they are absolutely not the right tool for every job. If you think they are, you will allow your mind to spin in overdrive so that you can’t sleep or rest mentally because you’re always trying desperately to be multiple steps ahead of everything. You’ll have a hard time being aware of, and thus taking proper care of, your body. You’ll be almost unable to be “in the moment,” aware of who and what is all around you, able to take advantage of the opportunities available to you in that unique moment before they’re gone. You’ll find yourself feeling bereft of meaning and purpose, spun every which way by your mind’s attempts to explain everything—even that which is mysterious and not inherently linear. If you are dealing with any of the following, you will not be able to “convince” yourself out of your issue:
Heartbreak. We love and lose, whether because it was time for a relationship to end or change, or because someone died and we no longer have them available to us physically. These endings can be one of the hardest things to deal with in a lifetime, and the mind can’t solve the pain of them. We can learn to think more positively about them, but the emotions and desires that come up around them must be dealt with head on if they are not to ruin our life vitality and outlook.
Trauma. Thinking and talking about truly traumatic experiences can help us in some ways, but only somatic (body-based) techniques tend to really lighten the load permanently. Of these, the best I’ve encountered is EFT, because it’s among the most effective, it’s a self-help technique that is within your control to benefit from at any time and in any area that you feel safe confronting on your own, and because it encompasses so many different techniques that can be modified to best fit your situation. Sometimes working with a practitioner is the best thing, but there’s much relief you can create with it yourself.
Ingrained Fears. No amount of rationalizing will unwind major fears. Again, it’s techniques involving the body and the subconscious that seem able to get at where our biggest, most intractable fears reside.
Emotional Habits. While thinking and talking about your long-held patterns can help you to understand where they came from and to feel heard, you may need to find a way to allow an emotional release in order to be able to fully move beyond old patterns and create new ones.
Spiritual or Values-Based Conundrums. Sometimes logic is very helpful in looking at how to resolve conflicts of values, but sometimes they need to be felt through with the heart and in cooperation with the whispers from your spirit. As you contemplate these, the mind will tend to spit out judgmental, final-sounding solutions based on what you’ve learned from others throughout your life. Only when you have the courage to find your own solution, one that expresses your own truth and the messages you have to share with the world, will you find peace in the midst of such contradiction.
Some of the principles that will make your experience of life most meaningful, such as being guided by love, thoughtfulness, compassion, and contributing to the creation of a better world (principles that underlie most religious and moral systems of thought, by the way) are not always logical and linear. They involve truths exhibited by signals you receive from your body, mind, and spirit, and these form a complex web that can reveal what’s most important to you even you’d rather not admit it. Minimizing or fighting the existence of these other parts of self, other than rational thought, is a recipe for unhappiness. If you learn to listen to yourself on all of your natural human levels, you find your way forward to wholistic solutions. You progress in a way that feels authentic and respectful of you as well as of others who might be involved in your process.
Buckle Down or Sound Off?
“The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.”
One of the hardest balances to get right is the one between self-control/discipline and self-expression/creation. Both are powerful and necessary components of a happy, healthy life, but the balance for each person, as well as each moment, will be unique. Finding it requires constant observation, sensitivity, and adjustment as well as trial and error. Much can go wrong here, but harness both forces to your advantage, and everything you want will be within easier reach.
Self-control, the masculine energy-aligned side of this dichotomy, requires us to rein in impulse, breathe, and think twice before taking action. It also requires experiencing self-imposed discomfort in order to create long-term results, even when paying into a goal is the last thing we would prefer to do.
True self-expression, discipline’s opposite, requires the clarity of knowing who we are and what we have to give, and the courage to bring our unique message out into the world through word and action.
A successful, joyful life requires both the ability to build and apply our skills patiently over time, excluding distractions, AND the ability to exemplify our truth without distortion. Yet, how do we know when it’s time to express and create versus when it’s time to be patient, practice, and wait? This is something only you can answer, based on your goals and abilities, frustrating as that may seem. There are guidelines you can follow to assist you in making these decisions, though. Here are some considerations that may help you along the way as you constantly surf this balance:
Have you been procrastinating on something you know needs doing for you to reach your goals? It’s probably time for some discipline. Mark some time out on your calendar at your most productive time of day, get buy-in from anyone whose support you need, and then look for little ways to make your task fun. You don’t have to be all serious about your productive time. Can you play some fun music, take dance breaks, or plan a little celebration when your task is done?
Are you finding yourself bored and demoralized? It’s probably time for some self-expression. Ask yourself what you’d do if you had no time or money limitations, and see what does appeal to you. Maybe that’s just a day off for mental health, a leisurely meetup with friends, or maybe some time for a creative hobby, time outdoors, or a physical activity you enjoy that will get your blood and endorphins pumping. Whatever says “playtime” to you is where you’re headed
If your goals involve making something out of a fun or creative pursuit, you’ll need to make space for your work, and add the discipline to keep doing so, aa well as using that space and time well
If your effort will involve the discipline of long bouts of concentration, you’ll be better able to sustain them over time if you add in moments of self-expression time, like writing in a journal or talking to friends about your successes and challenges, even if these moments are not strictly necessary to your project
These are just a few quick thoughts about diagnosing what’s needed at any given moment, but once you start thinking about this balance, it will be easier to notice when it’s off kilter. As humans, we’re both social and growth oriented. If you ignore either dynamic, you’ll start to feel out of balance, frustrated, or listless. Hopefully this has given you a few ideas about how to break out of any ruts you’ve been finding yourself in so you can analyze your needs and move forward with more clarity and enthusiasm.
For Your Health
“The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical.”
This week I’m keeping it short and sweet, sharing an article about why repressing emotion is not the way to go. Think on this quote from the article: “…a 2013 study by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester showed people who bottled up their emotions increased their chance of premature death from all causes by more than 30%, with their risk of being diagnosed with cancer increasing by 70%.” Yikes! While I believe that practicing and supporting your own happiness is an incredibly important goal, if you’re not setting aside time for it, maybe this insight will spur your interest in actually making time to work on your emotional health. If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you know that I’m a big fan of Tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques, in my case), but there are many helpful ways to address how you feel on a daily basis. Whatever allows you to express what’s true for you and hopefully have some fun in the process, get out there and do it this week! It’s important not just for your happiness, but for your long-term health.
Making Peace with Mistakes
“A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.”
Hate making mistakes? Hard on yourself for every little thing you drop, forget, or struggle with? Well, join the club! Despite the fact that making mistakes is an inevitable part of the human condition, prevailing cultures often tell us in a variety of ways that they are unacceptable (as are we when we make them). Right from when we’re born, we may get yelled at or disciplined by overwhelmed, sleep-deprived parents for crying, which is our only method of communicating at this point. Or for any behavior that’s difficult for the parent to handle, even if it’s totally normal. In school, we may get in trouble for mistakes, as well as any non-conformist behavior. Anyone outside our family may have very different expectations of children, and make nasty comments or give us the stink eye in an attempt to dominate and control us when they see us as unruly. Parents struggling to make ends meet may communicate in many small ways that the stakes are high across the board, and the family can’t afford to make any missteps. Even if adults think their actions reflect valid concerns, and are intended for our own good, we get the message over and over that stepping out of line is a mistake—and making mistakes puts us in danger by removing the good will of those who feed and protect us. This perceived danger can feel terrifyingly real.
The obvious fly in the ointment is that no one can avoid making mistakes—it’s just not possible! Setting up expectations of perfection creates an awful, impossible standard. When we’re too young to think for ourselves, we blindly take on this expectation of ourselves as it’s fed to us. This sets up a poisonous relationship with our self-image that festers in the subconscious, where this tension remains as an invisible, unconsidered habit. The consequences to our happiness and success can be devastating until we are able to consciously see this dichotomy for what it is, and decide to reject it. We then have to do the hard work of unmaking the old habit and forging new ones.
Unfortunately, though, we aren’t likely to get a whole lot of support in this. Most people have been taught patterns of self-shaming, which makes them unsympathetic to anyone who is trying to break free. Considered or not, their reaction may be, “Everyone tries to make me feel bad about myself. Why should you get off scot free? You think you’re so much better than I am?” Some people will try to shame us for their own ends, as a way to grab power and manipulate us. From a practical standpoint, this actually isn’t surprising—it’s one of the most effective tactics out there for those unscrupulous enough to use it deliberately. It’s also what they’ve been taught to do through observation of others. If you want to break the old habit of reflexive self-shaming, you’ll need to be willing to stand up to a firestorm of resistance from yourself and others, all of which may tempt you to think you’re a bad person because you’re not perfect. But you never have been and never will be perfect while you’re alive, because again, this is what it is to be human. “Perfection” is impossible, and while we’re at it, thoroughly subjective! You know, just in case this isn’t all confusing enough.
In the process of working through your tendency to be reflexively, immediately horrified and deeply frightened by making a mistake, you will be confronting a depth of feeling that is uncomfortable to say the least. To get yourself through this process, I recommend that you do a lot of Tapping! Whenever you make even a small mistake, let yourself notice how you feel instead of trying to ignore it, and Tap down the worst of your upset. When you do this repeatedly, the idea that you don’t have to be perfect to be good and to deserve happiness will start to sound more true, more normal. Yes, plan to atone for ways in which your mistakes have affected others, but know that this too becomes easier when you Tap. When you’re not being crushed under the weight of your own emotions, it’s possible to empathize with someone else even when you’re the one causing them difficulty. It becomes less tempting for you to remain defensive. You may create a greater capacity for compassion and listening, and more willingness to stop trying to hold others in your life to impossible standards as well. Note that as always, if you get hung up at any point, you may want to find instruction to get beyond a plateau, or consult a professional if you need assistance with anything traumatic.
Beyond improving your tendency toward overreaction, and despite the fact that this may seem out of reach at the moment, you may also find that you can come to value some opportunities that mistakes may afford, such as:
This drives parents nuts, but some things we only truly learn through experience. Sometimes you can dole out advice you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do anyone any good! People may need to see a situation play out in real time with an emotional punch to understand what it all means. Some things will only sink in on a deep level when we make a mistake. Then, we’ll never forget the lesson because it was so vivid.
Sometimes creative ideas come to us in the process of trial and error. By getting into the game even when we’re nowhere near perfection, we start up an engine of feedback that can spark all manner of new perspectives and surprising solutions that we would not have produced through thought experiments alone
Through mistakes, we can learn humility by being reminded of our imperfections and the validity of others’ viewpoints. We sometimes need to be slowed down and shaken out of our ruts in order to see and absorb the wisdom of them.
Despite a learned tendency to be hard on yourself, you can learn to accept your imperfection and find peace with human errors. Maybe you’ve never credited all the ways in which mistakes have saved you from experiencing far worse things because of past experience. Take a moment now and think about this: In what ways have you learned from your mistakes throughout your life, what have they saved you from, and how can you remember to appreciate what you’ve learned? By changing the stories you tell to include this appreciation, you can build the habit of seeing mistakes as broadening experiences that may hold greater blessings than you would ever have thought in the first flush of realization. When you’re less afraid of your own harsh judgment, you’re less afraid of a messy existence in which you can try, fail, learn, and succeed—then rinse and repeat.